Songs About Me
by Rae of Sorrow
Summary: Rachel Roth is a normal teenager except for her father's abuse. Will her new friends be able to save her? Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1: Fine Line

**Songs About Me**

_*** (revised) ***_

**Sometimes, subconsciously, we're drawn to songs that reflect our lives or how we wish it would be. This story is basically Rachel Roth's soundtrack; I'm telling her story. I've read a couple stories where Rachel/Raven is abused by her father. I thought I would write my version. I've been working on some form of this story off and on. I don't know if it's any good, but this is what I want to write.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans or Little Big Town**

**Chapter 1 - Fine Line

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"_**Completely complacent / So decidedly vacant / I keep waiting for something to give / But that something is always me / You consume what you're able / I get crumbs from your table / You call this comfortably normal / But I call it getting by" - **_**Fine Line, Little Big Town

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"Rachel!" a male voice shatters the early morning peace. "Rachel! Where the hell are you? Where's my …" As the man hollers for his daughter, a petite figure is sneaking out of the house.

Quietly shutting the door, his daughter thinks, _"Whatever you're looking for is right where _you_ left it. I _won't _touch or move anything of_ _yours." _Rachel runs about a block to get away from the house. School's ten blocks away and there's still a few hours before she has to be there. Now walking, Rachel goes to a nearby park. The fifteen year old sits on a swing in the empty park. She pulls out of her backpack: a book, a sleeve of pop tarts and her worn-out mp3 player. She does this almost every day. She has done this ever since she lost her mother. And because she does this so often, nobody takes notice of her. It doesn't really bother her, by now she's used to it.

Today is just like any other day. Her father's yelling at her and she's sitting in a park eating breakfast. It's a little cool out so she gathers her long dark hair and pulls up her hood. The park, as usual, is empty except for a lone hooded figure.

The quiet doesn't last too long. A group of four high school boys comes to the park. Three of them seem to be bullying the forth one. No one notices her. Rachel tries to ignore them and keeps reading. She tries not to listen, but she can't help to hear their demeaning taunts. She watches them for a little while. She thinks she recognizes the bullied teen. She's seen him around school. He may have been in some of her classes last year. When she hears the blond boy try to joke his way out of the situation, she knows it is Garfield Logan. He's the class clown; always joking. The bullies are getting rougher. Rachel's not sure what to do. She can't just sit here and watch this kid get hurt. She thinks, '_I've stood up to my father, sort of.' _She winces; her shoulder still hurts from the last time she "stood up" to him. _'Maybe between this Logan kid and me we can scare them off.'_ She puts her stuff back in her bag. Rachel hopes her baggy sweatshirt and jeans will hide her thin form. She goes over to them with her hood still up.

"Hey," she calls out, trying to make her voice sound as tough as possible. "Leave him alone."

Everyone turns and looks at her. One of the guys goes up to her and says, "What's a scrawny kid like you gonna do?" He shoves her, causing her hood to fall back. Rachel's long black hair falls around her shoulders.

'_Damn,' _she thinks, '_now what?'_

"What do we have here?" the guy says. "Did your girlfriend come to help you?"

Gar says, _"She's _not my girlfriend."

Rachel thinks, _'Thanks a lot. I'm trying to help you and you _still_ insult me.'_

"Then maybe she came to play?" the guy sneers at her.

The second guy says, "She's that creepy, loser girl."

"So," the first guy says leering, "that doesn't mean we can't have a little 'fun'." Before she can move, he grabs Rachel's wrist.

Gar yells, "Let her go! She has nothing to do with this!"

"Let go of me!" cries Rachel. She struggles to get free but his grip is too tight. It's almost as tight as her father's is. She tries to push him away. He grabs her other wrist. She repeats, "Let go of me!"

"Yo!" A deep male voice says. "You heard the girl! Let her go!"

Everyone turns to the source of the voice. There are two teenaged boys coming towards them. One is of average height and has an athletic build. He has black spiky hair. He is wearing sunglasses. The other, probably the source of the voice, is a very tall African-American teen. He is very athletic. Both teens look angry.

The taller teen repeats "Let her go! Or do I have to make you?"

The guy holding Rachel decides they can't win a fight against those two. He lets go of Rachel and shoves her to the ground. He and his two friends run away.

The two teens that came to her aid run over to her. The very tall, very athletic one leans over her. He offers Rachel a hand. He says, "Are you ok?" She accepts his help up.

Rachel shrugs her shoulders and says, "Yeah, sure."

Gar runs over to them. By now, there is also a teenage girl with them. The girl with very long red hair asks, "Are you sure? They did not hurt you?"

Rachel's brushing off her jeans. She says, "I'm fine" and thinks, '_I've suffered worse from my father.'_

Gar says, "Thanks for helping. Sorry you almost got hurt." Rachel just shrugs and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.

She picks up her stepped on bag. She pulls out a damaged mp3 player. Her shoulders drop. She thinks, _'Great! I have to try to fix this one _again_ or somehow buy a new one. To get the money I guess I could skip lunch for a few weeks. Or I could baby-sit for the ever-bickering twins: Jon and Kate. *sigh* Maybe I should go without mus …' _her thoughts are interrupted.

"Oh sorry, want me to replace it since it got broken 'cause you were helping me," says Gar.

"What? Uh, no, I, I have others," lies Rachel.

"Hello," says the red headed girl. "You are Rachel, correct? My name is Kori Anders. Garfield or, Gar Logan is who you tried to help." Gar waves sheepishly to Rachel.

The guy with black hair says, "I'm Richard Grayson, you sure you're alright."

Rachel simply says, "Yes."

"I'm Victor Stone. You can call me Vic," says the very athletic teen. "Want me to check your wrists; he had a pretty tight grip on you."

Rachel says in a monotone voice, "I'm fine. I should get to school."

Vic asks, "Need a ride?"

Excited, Kori says, "Yes, that way we could talk and get to know one another more. We could become better friends."

Rachel just looks at each of them.

Richard says, "You're not worried we'll hurt you, are you? We just helped you. Just let us give you a ride to school."

"Thanks," Rachel says monotonously, "I'll just walk." She picks up her bag and heads towards school. The four remaining teens are left confused as they watch Rachel walk away.

Kori says with hurt feelings, "Why does she not wish to be our friend? I want everyone to be friends. We mean her no harm."

"Yeah," says Gar, "what's her problem? We only want to give her a ride to school."

Richard shrugs his shoulders. He says, "I don't know. I guess she's used to being alone."

Vic keeps watching Rachel as long as he can. He says, "The girl's been hurt before. It'll take awhile for her to open up." Everyone agrees. Their thoughts are on Rachel as they go to school.

As Rachel approaches school, she unenthusiastically eyes the two-story brick building and all the students. She notices her "friends" from the park have arrived. Kori waves excitedly to Rachel. Rachel doesn't return the wave; instead, she crosses her arms. She rolls her eyes and thinks sarcastically '_Great. First week of school and things are turning out to be wonderful. It's going to be a long year.' _She lets out a drawn out sigh as she joins the masses entering the school.

Rachel's day continued like any other day: the taunting and trying to avoid teachers and her tormentors. She avoids her teachers as much as possible. She doesn't know what or if they suspect anything about her home life. She's afraid if anyone would report it to the officials; her life would be a living hell. That's why it's better to be alone; no one will know her secret. But today she is also trying to avoid her new "friends". At least one of they seems to be everywhere she is. They aren't really following her it just seems that way to Rachel. She's just noticing them more. Rachel knows who they are. She knows they are popular; or that is more popular than she is. There are not many who are less popular than Rachel. '_Why would __they__ want to be __my__ friends? It must be a trick or a dare,' _thinks Rachel. She continues her day trying to go unnoticed.

When Rachel goes home, she goes home to an empty house. Either her father is working late or he is having dinner with a client. Rachel has a hamburger-helper-like meal-maker minus the hamburger. It's not that she doesn't like nor has anything against eating meat. She just can't afford it. She buys a lot of her food at a dollar store. She can't buy much because what she buys has to fit in her backpack. Rachel makes her plain meal as her father is having a steak dinner with a client.

Not knowing what type of mood her father will be in; Rachel decides to finish her homework in her room. There she can lock the door and be safe. She hears her father come home. She hears him open a bottle of campaign. From the sound of things downstairs, the dinner meeting went well.

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**Help! ^_~ My plan is to have a song featured in each chapter. The songs will reflect what Rachel is feeling or going through. Rachel's life isn't great, but there are some happy times. There is no specific genre, now or old, just anything that Rachel might listen to. I'm looking for some songs. If anyone has any ideas please let me know.**

**Thanks for reading. Oh, and please review.**

**~Rae of Sorrow**


	2. Chapter 2: Field of Innocence

**Songs About Me**

_***(revised)***_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans or Evanescence**

**Hi, … thanks to those who read my first chapter. I was planning to have more chapters thought out before I uploaded that the first one; but I was too eager for my own good.**

**Maybe it does start out a little slow, but these things must be done delicately or you'll hurt the spell. Go too fast and nothing makes sense; go too slow and everyone's bored.**

**Please review when you finish reading. Good or bad, I just want to know what people think. If it's bad I'll try to fix things (after I pout for a few minutes -_-*) Ok, enough babbling; on with the show …**

**Chapter 2: Field of Innocence

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"_**I still remember the world / From the eyes of a child / Slowly those feelings were clouded by what I know now / Where has my heart gone? / An uneven trade for the real world / Oh I, I want to go back to / Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all" -**_**-Field of Innocence, Evanescence

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The next morning the sun shines through Rachel's window. As she's starting to wake up, she pulls her blanket over her head. She wants to try to get some more sleep. There's a knock on her door. Her father calls out, "Rachel, you should be getting up. You don't want to be late for school." Rachel groans and buries herself further under the blanket. "Rachel? You awake?"

Rachel calls out, "Yes, I'm coming." As he's going down the stairs, she hears him say he'll have breakfast ready. She lies in bed a moment. She thinks, '_He must be in a good mood. He's actually paying attention to me and I'm not being his punching bag.' _She remembers when she was a happy little girl; her laughter filled their house. Her biggest worry was would she be able to watch her favorite cartoon. '_Now, I am so messed up.' _she thinks asshe stretches and yawns before throwing back the blanket. She swings her legs over the edge of her bed. In her pajamas, a t-shirt and shorts, she goes over to her mirror. Rachel checks out the fading bruises on her arms.

As Rachel studies her reflection, she wonders why this happens to her. She wonders if some people might think she's somewhat pretty. The truth is if anyone really bothered to look at her Rachel has a ghostly, haunting beauty. Her very pale complexion seems to glow in contrast to her long, straight black hair. Her large dark blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, hide what she's feeling. Her small light pink lips rarely smile.

Her father calls out for her. Rachel shouts back, "Coming!" She throws on jeans, a t-shirt and a large sweatshirt, even though it's not cold out, over her petite frame. She quickly brushes her teeth and runs her fingers through her hair. She grabs her sneakers and bag before running out her door. She locks her bedroom door then goes downstairs.

Seeing his daughter enter the kitchen, Trigon Roth says, cheerfully, "Good morning, Rach, sit and have some breakfast." She looks around the kitchen amazed. He's making a huge breakfast: pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, toast and coffee. She wonders what's going on; he never makes this much food. She's a little suspicious of his good mood. She doesn't like fighting. However, when things are going good apart of her is afraid. She doesn't know when he'll snap or what will set him off.

She sits down to put on her shoes. "Thanks, but I'll just have some toast. I have to leave now if I want to get to school early." She grabs a piece of toast and heads for the door.

Trigon says, "I'll take you. Sit tell me about school. I know I've been busy and haven't asked about things yet." Rachel wants to leave but she doesn't want to start a fight. She goes back to her chair and sits down. "So, Rach, tell me about school." He sets a plate of food in front of her. He grabs his plate and sits at the table.

Rachel looks at him with narrowed eyes. She hates that nickname and he knows that. She sighs and says, "There's nothing much to tell: I go to classes, get homework and come home." She starts to eat some of the eggs: they're actually good.

"Well," he says, "you're a sophomore or a junior; shouldn't you be in clubs or something?"

Rachel rolls her eyes slightly and thinks, _'He doesn't even know what grade his own daughter is in. He knows nothing about me.' _She says, "I'm a sophomore and I don't do clubs."

Her father asks, "What about friends? Have any new friends?"

"Oh yeah, I have _so _many friends I'll probably be homecoming queen this year. _That's_ how popular I am. Can't you tell." says Rachel sarcastically. She cringes and thinks, '_oh shit, that came out wrong.'_

"All I can see is you're a smartass," he says.

Rachel closes her eyes; her mind goes back a few years to when the beatings started. He had always called her names, emotionally and verbally abused her but never physically. Until that one day, she must have been about thirteen …

*~~~*Flashback*~~~*

… He has just hit her. She now sits in the kitchen alone. She's tenderly checking out her split lip. He comes into the room, causing her to stiffen. He acts as if nothing is wrong, like nothing has happened. He looks over at her and sees the bruise forming on her cheek. He says, "Oh my God, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Sometimes you make me so angry. You forgive me, right? I mean, I said I was sorry. You forgive me. You have to forgive me!" He's becoming angry. She's afraid. She says timidly," I, I, I forgive you." He gives her a hug. He says," I knew you would. I promise this won't happen again." Before he leaves the room, he says softly, "Just don't make me angry." Again, she is alone. She's in shock. She can't believe this just happened. She can't believe this happened to her. He has yelled at her, but he has never hit her. Quietly she begins to cry …

*~~~*Flashback ends*~~~*

Brought back to the present, Rachel sighs. _'How did my life get so messed up?'_

Trigon looks at his daughter. "What the hell are you wearing? If it weren't for your long hair, no one would know you're a girl. Are you a lesbian?"

Rachel almost chokes on her bite of food. "What?"

"Well, look at you. Nobody can even tell you're a girl. Do you like girls, you know, in that way?"

She can't believe they are having this conversation. "No, I like boys. Boys just don't like me." Her voice trails off.

Trigon says, "They might notice you if you stopped dressing like a damn boy. When or if you're ever with a boy don't get pregnant."

'_Oh my God!' _This stuns Rachel. "Oh my God! I have to go. I, I have to get to school."

Trigon gets up and grabs the car keys. "Fine, let's go." He goes to the door. Rachel looks around the kitchen; it's still a mess. As if he can read her mind, he says, "The housekeeper can clean it. If she doesn't then I'll expect you to do it after school."

Rachel's shoulders drop. As she gets in her father's SUV she thinks, _'This is turning out to be a sucky day.'_

The car ride is quiet for a few minutes. Trigon says, "Rach, tell me about school. How's your schedule this year?"

Rachel is lost in thought. "What? Oh, um, today I have English, biology, P.E. and history."

Trigon explodes, "What the hell do you mean you only have four classes today? What kind of fucked up school is this?"

'_Please calm down, dad, please calm down.' _she thinks,trying to calm him down. "Dad, it's OK. Tomorrow I'll have French, biology lab, art and algebra. It's a block schedule. I have some classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the other classes. On Fridays I have shorter class times."

Trigon keeps grumbling about the money he's wasting on her education. Rachel turns away from him and rolls her eyes. He notices this. He grabs her arm. "Damn it, you better not be making me look bad."

Rachel squirms, "Dad. Dad! You're hurting me. Just drop me off here. I just have a block to go. You go to work, there, maybe, you can be happy."

He pulls the SUV to the curb. He gives Rachel a shove as she opens the door. As he pulls away, she hears him say he would be better off with out the burden of a teenage girl.

Rachel glares at her father's SUV. She looks up to the bright blue sky before she starts to walk. "This day just keeps getting better."

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**Sooo, how'd you like it? I'm trying to show some of Rachel and Trigon's relationship. Trigon's not always mean and abusive. I think that makes him scarier.**

**Tell me what you think. Oh, and I'm still looking for songs. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.**

**Please review. Thanks.**


	3. Chapter 3: Welcome to my Life

**Songs About Me**

**So, hi. Greetings from Boring-Girl in Boring-Land. ^_~ Thanks for reading and sticking with me. This could be (another) crappy chappy (who knows). I hope this is getting better. Oh yeah, I revised the first two chaps. (A little better? ^_^*) **

**Disclaimer: There is no way I could own the Titans or Simple Plan**

**Chapter 3-Welcome to my life**

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"_**Are you stuck inside a world you hate? / Are you sick of everyone around? / With the big fake smiles and stupid lies / While deep inside you're bleeding / No you don't know what it's like / When nothing feels alright / You don't know what it's like to be me / To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark / To be kicked when you're down / To feel like you've been pushed around / To be on the edge of breaking down / When no one's there to save you / No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life"-**_**Welcome To My Life, Simple Plan**

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Rachel makes her way through the swarm of students to get to her locker. After dumping some things in her locker and grabbing some books, she looks around. Everyone seems to be meeting up with his or her friends. This irritates Rachel. She slams her locker shut. She glares with annoyance at the people she passes as she goes to class. Once she gets to her English class, Rachel sits in the back corner by the window. Again, she notices how everyone is joining their friends. Nobody bothers to come near her. She watches everyone teaming up. She thinks, '_How does everyone know everyone else? I hardly _know_ anyone. That could be because I don't talk to anyone. What's the point? Nobody wants to know what I have to say and I don't care about them.' _She overhears some of the kids talking about her. Rachel grabs her notebook out of her bag. As she starts to doodle/sketch, she thinks angrily, '_Whatever. I don't need friends. I don't believe in friendship. It's useless.' _The teacher, Mr. Silas, comes into the room. Everyone takes his or her seat.

As class begins, Rachel continues to draw. She's half-heartedly paying attention. Her thoughts are on breakfast that morning. _'Why was dad in such a good mood; is it just because work is going so well?' _She thinks_, 'He's never been the happiest person and since mom's gone it's much worse. Maybe he met someone. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Maybe he won't bother me as much. Maybe …'_

Suddenly, a high-pitched voice says, "Mr. Silas, Rachel's not paying attention." Rachel looks up surprised. She turns to her right. The source of the voice is Nikki Stanley. She's a cheerleader and one of Kitten Moth's closest friends. Kitten is one of the most popular, bitchiest girls in school. Kitten and Rachel have a mutual hatred for each other. This is a problem for Rachel. If Kitten doesn't like someone or something, then her clique doesn't like them or it.

Rachel looks over, confused and annoyed. She says in a loud whisper, "_What _are you doing?"

Nikki says, in a sing-song-y voice, "I'm getting you in trouble."

Angry, Rachel says, "You're not paying attention either if you're watching what I'm doing."

Mr. Silas comes over to her row. He says, "Miss Roth, do you know what I'm discussing this morning?"

Rachel starts to blush. "Um, I'm sorry, no sir, I don't know."

Mr. Silas says, "So, Miss Roth, what is so important that you can't pay attention to my class. What were you doing, writing a note to your boyfriend?"

The whole class laughs at that thought. Rachel turns a deep shade of red. A mixture of embarrassment and anger causes her to stammer. "Um, no sir, uh, I, I'm sorry. I …"

"Never mind," says the annoyed teacher, "I want you to move to the front of the class. That way I'll be able to see if you're paying attention to my class."

Rachel angrily throws her notebook and book in her bag. For a moment, she thinks about storming out of the class, but that won't solve anything. She will just have the face her father's wrath. Rachel glares at Nikki as she goes to the desk in the front of the class. She drops into her seat. She pulls her hands into the sleeves of her sweatshirt. With her hands clenched in anger, Rachel stares at the deck. Her long black hair falls around her, shielding her from the class. Occasionally, someone snickers but the class continues.

Rachel wants class to be over; finally, the bell rings. She's the first one out of class. Fuming, Rachel punches a locker. This causes people to look her direction. She thinks to herself '_Great. Something else to add to the list that makes me a freak. Relax, calm down. You don't want them to know how angry you are. Remember showing emotions is wrong.'_

She enters her biology class. She surprised to Gar talking to Wally West. Gar's not supposed to be in her class. Ignoring them, she goes to her seat. She pulls out her biology book and starts flipping through it. When Gar comes over to her, she tries to focus on the book. After he stands there in silence for a minute or two, he says, "Uh, hey Rachel." She just looks up at him. "Um, I just wanted to, uh; thank you for helping me yesterday."

Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "Sure, fine, whatever, not like I did anything."

Gar sits at the deck next to Rachel. "You did help. You distracted them. You kept them from beating the crap out of me."

Wally comes over. The redhead asks, "What happened?"

"Oh I forgot to tell you," says Gar. "Yesterday some of the Hive 'gang' was trying to get even for the prank I played."

Wally laughs and says, "One of these days, those pranks are gonna get you killed. So what does she have to do with that?"

"Dude, my pranks are awesome. Yesterday she tried to help me. She appeared like a dark angel, coming to help me."

Rachel rolls her eyes. "Do you know how stupid you sound? What are you doing in this class anyway? You weren't here the other day."

Gar sighs, "There was a mix up with my schedule. They messed up Kori's too. We were scheduled to take advanced geometry." Gar whines, "Dudes, it was awful. It was as if I was living a nightmare. All those shapes and numbers." Wally begins to laugh hysterically. Rachel shakes her head in disbelief. Gar continues, "So, our schedules got changed around. Now I have to learn where my classes are again."

Rachel turns back to her biology book while the boys keep talking. She thinks, '_Ignore them. Talking to me was just a fluke. It means nothing. I need to focus on school.' _Gar tries to talk to her some more before class starts but she ignores him.

The bell rings, signaling the end of class. Gar asks, while rummaging in his backpack, "So, um, Rachel would you like to have lunch some time?" his voice trails off. "Dude, where'd she go?" Wally points to the door, where they see her leaving. "I didn't even hear her."

As they walk to lunch, Wally says, "She's too quiet. I think she's kind of creepy."

Gar considers this. "Yea, but I think she could be kind of cute too."

"Oooh you like her?" jokes Wally as they enter the cafeteria.

"Who does Gar like?" asks Kori, coming up to their table.

Wally laughs, "He likes that dark, creepy girl."

"Oh, you mean he likes Rachel?"

"Who likes Rachel?" asks Richard.

Kori says, "Gar likes Rachel. Wally just said so."

"You mean Gar likes the girl with long dark hair from yesterday?" says Vic.

"Auggh! I don't like her," says Gar, frustrated. "I like Terra."

Vic says, "Oh, hi Terra." He waves to someone behind Gar. Gar spins around ready to explain, but no one is there. Vic says, "Sorry, man, just messin' with ya. But what's this about Rachel?"

Gar says, "I talked with before class earlier."

"She _talked_ to you?" says Kori.

"Yeah, I know, she doesn't talk to _anybody_." say Gar. "We were kinda talkin' about what happened yesterday."

Kori asks, "Then why did Wally say you like her? If you just talked with her that doesn't mean you 'like' her."

Wally says, "He said he thought she was cute."

Gar looks uncomfortable around the table. "No, I didn't, well; I um didn't mean it like that. I just meant I thought she _could_ be cute. If she would smile or laugh and didn't always have her long hair hanging in her face, like she's hiding. And it would be pretty cool if I could do that; make her laugh. _That_ doesn't mean _I _like her."

Vic laughs, "Man, have you _heard_ some of your jokes?" Everyone laughs. Gar crosses his arms. He tries to glare at them but ends up laughing with them.

At the same time the others are giving Gar a hard time, Rachel is sitting down in the "student lounge". Students can eat in the cafeteria or a courtyard near the cafeteria. They can also go to the tables in the front of the school. Most students don't go here. Sometimes a club will have a meeting here. Finally, Rachel's glad to be alone. She pulls out of her bag a baggie of pretzels and her copy of Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West. She opens it to begin reading it for the fifth or sixth time. She's a few pages in when someone comes up to her table. "Hi, can I sit at your table?"

Rachel looks up and sees a girl with short curly dark hair. Glancing at the empty tables around her Rachel says, "Um …" the girl sits down.

"Hi I'm new here. My name is Halie Suzann Rita-Marie Daily. You can call me any combination of my name. I'll answer to anything. My personal favorite is Halie Daily, because it rhymes. What's your name?"

Halie receives a glare before Rachel flatly says, "Rachel."

"Ooo, I love that name," says Halie. "How do spell it? Is it R-A-C-H-E-L or A-E-L or E-A-L? If it ends with E-A-L, and you take out some letters then you're 'real'. Get it? Take out the A-C-H and you have R-E-…"

"I get it and I'm not 'real'" says Rachel. "Why are you sitting _here_? Can't you sit at _another_ table?"

"I can't, there are other people sitting there." Halie says this seriously. Rachel eyes the empty tables, and then rolls her eyes.

Rachel tries to read and ignore Halie but the girl talks non-stop. "Are you new too?"

Rachel sighs; she's not going get any reading done. "No, why?"

Halie says, "Well, you're wearing a sweatshirt. I thought you moved from someplace cold and you haven't unpacked your clothes. So, why are you wearing a sweatshirt? It's pretty warm here in Jump City."

Rachel can sense Halie's not going to let this subject drop. Rachel doesn't want her making something up. And she definitely doesn't want Halie to know the truth. Rachel simply says, "I'm always cold." This starts Halie on the subject of strange medical conditions in her family. Rachel groans and drops her head down on the table. She thinks,_ 'She's never gonna shut up. I have _never_ looked forward to P.E. before. Right now I think I would gladly play any sport if she would just shut up.'_

Finally and luckily, Rachel goes to P.E. without Halie. Rachel conveniently forgets to bring her gym clothes, again. She often forgets, is "sick" or skips the class altogether. Rachel does all she can, not to participate. She hates sports; whether it's watching or playing them. She doesn't think she's coordinated enough to do them. Most of all, Rachel's afraid someone will see the bruises made by her father.

History class is uneventful. Rachel's a little surprised to see Kori enter the classroom. Kori just gives Rachel a slight wave before taking a seat towards the front of the class. Rachel then remembers Gar saying how their schedules were messed up. When the bell rings at the end of class; Rachel is somewhat glad. There's just two more days until the weekend. But there is the weekend and she never knows how that will be.

She walks home alone, of course. When she enters the kitchen her shoulders drop. It is still a mess. The house keeper didn't clean it. Rachel's angry; now she'll have to clean it before Trigon gets home. Rachel suddenly realizes, '_It's Wednesday. The housekeeper doesn't come on Wednesdays. He knows that. He did this on purpose. _He _made this mess so _I _would have to clean it up. And if I don't that just gives him a reason to be mad and hit me.' _"Auggh! I really hate him!" she says out loud to herself. Rachel looks at the clock on the microwave. She has a little over three hours to completely clean the kitchen. She sighs, "I might as well have some fun while I do this." She turns on the radio to a local rock station. Turning the volume up, Rachel tackles the dried on mess.

Almost three hours later, Rachel is done washing the dishes and pans. They had dried on grease and the eggs and pancake batter, were like cement. Everything is now washed, dried and put away. She also cleaned the stove, oven and floor. Rachel looks around the kitchen as she turns off the radio. Everything looks as it should.

Grabbing her backpack, Rachel goes up to her room. Exhausted, she flops back on her bed. With her hair splayed out on her bed, Rachel just lays there with her eyes closed. Suddenly, she sits up and says out loud, "The radio. I forgot about the radio."

She races down to the kitchen. When she turns the radio back on; music blares from it. Quickly she turns it down then turns it to the station her father had it on. The phone rings just as Rachel turns off the radio; causing her to jump. It's her father.

He says, "I'm going to be home late. You'll have to fend for yourself tonight, OK?"

Rachel says, "OK. I'll be alright." She thinks, '_I wasn't in the mood to spend the evening with you anyway.'_

Trigon asks before hanging up about the kitchen. "Did the housekeeper get it cleaned up?"

Rachel rolls her eyes. "Don't worry, it's clean."

After hanging up the phone Rachel grabs an apple and bottled water. She goes up to her room. After locking her bedroom door she puts the apple and water in her bag. Rachel takes it over to her window. Opening the window completely, she climbs onto the sill. Rachel climbs out onto the back porch roof with her bag. She sits on the roof with her back against the house. Rachel sighs; alone at last.

The sun is setting and the light breeze plays with her hair. Rachel watches the sky turn to night, once it's too dark to see anything, Rachel closes her eyes. The peace and quiet has a calming effect on the dark eyed girl. Anybody watching her might think she has fallen asleep. She's not asleep. Rachel is just trying to keep her emotions in check. She wants to suppress the anger, annoyance and irritation of the day. There's also sadness and rejection that she doesn't want to feel. Happiness and love are not things Rachel normally feels. If they do surface, she tries to suppress them as well. As far as Rachel's concerned emotions just cause trouble and mess things up.

Rachel sits like this for a few hours until she hears Trigon come home. She grabs her bag with the untouched apple and water. She quietly climbs back into her room. Rachel's quickly working on her homework when there's a knock on her door. Rachel calls out, "I'm finishing some homework. Everything was alright tonight. I'll be going to bed soon." Hearing him walking away, Rachel lets out a sigh of relief. She stifling a yawn, Rachel decides to go to bed. She can finish things in the morning. As she falls asleep, Rachel wonders about tomorrow. How will she be tormented? And can she keep avoiding these things; she's so tired of it.

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**Well, what'd ya think? It is a little longer. Does this completely suck? I hope not completely, maybe just a little bit. *shrug* Don't mind me. Anyway, thanks for the song ideas. I'm still seeking suggestions. C'ya**


	4. Chapter 4: Thoughtless

**Songs About Me**

**Sorry about taking so long to update. Had a bit of writer's block. And life's little road blocks.-_-**

**Sometimes, when I'm having a really bad day, this song pops into my head. This story is a way for me to vent, to let things out of my system. Thanks for the support; I hope you'll stay with me.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Titans, Evanescence or Korn (or anything else for that matter).**

**Chapter: 3 Thoughtless

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"_**Why are you trying to make fun of me? / You think it's funny, what the fuck you think it's doing to me? / You take your turn lashing out at me / I want you crying when you're bloody down in front of me / All of my hate cannot be bound / I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming / No, you can try to tear me down / Beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming"**_**-Thoughtless, Evanescence (a Korn cover)

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The next week or so, things continue the same for Rachel. She still has trouble with Kitten's friends and Halie follows her (talking constantly.)

Frustrated, Rachel says to her, "Why do you have to follow me? Don't you have anyone else to bother? If I am the one you chose to be your only friend, then you're _really_ pathetic."

Undaunted by Rachel, Hailey says, "I have other friends. I'm following you because I want to see you do something." Rachel looks at her with a very confused look on her face. Halie continues in a whisper, "I want to see you walk through walls."

"…?" Rachel is very confused. '_What is this girl talking about?'_

Halie says, "I saw something about people who are part human and part alien." She stops a moment "or was that part angel, or part vampire? I think it was part alien. I don't know, I can't remember, it doesn't really matter. There are partial humans who have the incredible ability to walk through wall. You fit the description. You're very pale, have long dark hair. Although, you should have white streaks. You're moody (Rachel rolls her eyes) and you don't talk to many people. You're very mysterious and secretive. You are trying to hide the fact that you can walk through wall. You know, you also remind me of Solaria, the spirit princess from Space Wars."

Rachel glares at Halie. She says flatly, "I walk through open doorways; nothing else."

Halie laughs and says, "That's OK, I'll keep your secret."

Frustrated, Rachel groans, "Why won't you go away. You said you have other friends. Go eat lunch with them."

Halie says, "I can't. I promised my mom I would hang out with you. When I told her about you she felt sorry for you. She told me I have to be your friend since you don't have any."

"I have …friends. I'm just not hanging out with them …right now." Rachel sighs, realizing how lame that sounds. She notices Vic and Gar joining Kori and Richard. She has an idea, she hopes it works. Rachel motions to the four teens. "They're my friends but …"

Halie interrupts her, "Those are your friends. Wow, I'm new here but even I know they're pretty popular. I'm kinda surprised all of you are friends. Oh, I see, _you're_ the strange one of the group."

Rachel rolls her eyes and growls to herself, '_**I'm **__the strange one? Halie is __**completely**__ insane. If I don't loose her soon I'm going to go crazy. God, I hope this works.' _Rachel walks over to Kori, Richard, Gar and Vic. They stop talking. Rachel says, "Hi." She just looks at them as they wonder what she wants.

Gar says, "Hey, Rachel, what's up?"

Rachel takes a deep breath. She says very quickly, "Um-sorry-about-before-maybe-we-could-all-do-lunch-or-something-anything-to-get-me-away-from-Halie." They all just look at her like she just sprouted wings and a unicorn horn. Rachel tries again, this time a little slower, "Lunch-all-of-us-maybe-please."

They all break into a smile. Gar thought Rachel was mad at him for bothering her before biology class last week; she's been ignoring him ever since.

Rachel looks over to Halie. Halie smiles and shrugs her shoulders. She goes to join her friends. Seeing that Halie is gone, Rachel says, "So about lunch, maybe we can do it next week or something."

"What?" says Gar. "I thought you said we'd be havin' lunch today."

Rachel shrugs and says, "I changed my mind."

"Please, Rachel, have lunch with us," say Kori. "We could discuss our history class and maybe …"

Rachel interrupts her, "Sorry, I have other things to do." She turns to walk away.

"Are you going to be with your 'friends'?" asks Richard. Rachel stops in her tracks. "_You_ brought up lunch. It was _your_ idea. Why don't we just have lunch today. It's just lunch, nothing serious. We're not asking to marry you, just to lunch."

Rachel turns to look at them suspiciously. '_What if it's a trick'_ she thinks.

As if he's reading her mind, Gar says "You think this is a trick? You know _I _know what it's like to be bullied. I wouldn't do that to somebody. I hope someday we can be friends."

Kori agrees. "Yes, we only wish for friendship. We are hoping you will have lunch with us."

Rachel crosses her arms, "I don't need any more friends."

Everyone looks a little uncomfortable. They look at one another, trying to decide who should tell Rachel what she already knows: she doesn't have any friends. Richard clears his throat and says, "Uh, Rachel, we've kind of noticed you, um, you don't, er, um, … you're, um … "

Angry, Rachel says, "What? I'm a loser, a loaner, pathetic?"

Vic says, "We're just worried about you. We've heard and seen how people treat you. That's just not right."

Rachel wonders '_Why should you be so concerned?_' This whole situation is irritating her, but their not going to let things drop so she says, "Fine. If I eat lunch with you today, will you promise to leave me alone?" says Rachel. Everyone nods yes. Muttering to herself, Rachel says, "I'll probably live to regret this." To the others she says quickly, "Ok, I'll do it."

Smiling, Gar says, "What did ya say?"

Rachel glares at him and says, "You heard me."

Vic says, "Nope, didn't quite hear ya. Would ya mind repeatin' your answer?"

With a clenched smile, Rachel sighs and says, "I said fine I'll have lunch with you. Today. Only. Then you'll leave me alone."

Kori claps her hands and says, "Wonderful!" She grabs Rachel in a bear hug.

Rachel's surprised by Kori's strength. She struggles to get free. Gasping for air, Rachel tries to speak, "Kori-stop-breathe-need-air."

Seeing that Rachel's face is turning red then blue, Vic says, "Hey, Kor, ease up. Let the girl get some air." Kori lets go of Rachel.

Gasping Rachel, says, "Now I know how it feels to be attacked by a boa constrictor. Is she always this, um, enthusiastic about lunch?"

Vic says, "Kori's enthusiastic about life. Her emotions are intense. She wears her heart on her sleeve. You defiantly know what she's feeling."

Rachel's not sure if she'll be able to be around Kori at all. The girls are complete opposites. Rachel's thinking about this as they walk down the hall. Laughing, Kori grabs Rachel's hand and pulls her to the cafeteria. The guys follow them.

When Rachel sits at their table, everyone in the cafeteria stops to look at them. Kori shakes her red head and says, "Ignore them. They can be such goober brains. You will sit with us again, will you not?"

"I said I would have lunch with you _once_," says Rachel. "I only agreed to _this_ lunch."

"Well-l-l, I was kind of hoping if you liked us you would join us again and often." Rachel glares at them before rolling her eyes.

They talk about their classes some. They also learn that Richard and Rachel both are taking French. They are at different times. They are talking about school, Rachel just listens she doesn't say much.

A girl with a head full of bouncy, blonde curls comes up to their table. With a disgusted tone she says, "What is _she_ doing here?"

Irritated, Richard says, "Go away Kitten."

"Richie-poo, _she_ doesn't belong with people like us. _We are _important. _She's _a loser. Why'd you let a loser sit at your table?" whines Kitten.

Before anyone else can say anything, Rachel says, bored, "If they had wanted a real loser they would have already asked you to sit with them."

Kitten is shocked. No one speaks to her like that; at least not to her face. Her mouth hangs open in disbelief.

"You might want to close you mouth," says a monotone Rachel. "You're going to let out all that hot air in your head. If your head deflates that would make it a bad hair day. Wouldn't it be the end of the world if _you_ had a bad hair day?" Every one laughs and Kitten storms off.

Rachel has P.E. after lunch and tries to avoid it as much as possible. She's about to sneak away when she hears her name, "Roth, where do you think you are going?" Rachel turns around; it's Coach Evans, her P.E. teacher. She starts to open her mouth to speak. "I hope you are going to class. I've made sure you have gym clothes. You look well enough, except for your sour expression. You _are _going to participate today. No excuses." He hands Rachel gym clothes and sneakers then turns to the girls' locker room. He stands next to the door waiting for Rachel to go inside. "I'll expect to see you ready for class in five minutes." Rachel glowers at him as she goes into the locker room.

Rachel's grumbling to herself about this being unfair when she enters the room. Everyone stops talking and stares at her. Rachel takes her things to a quiet corner. She sighs as she changes into sweatpants, t-shirt and sweatshirt. Rachel's tying her shoe when Kitten says, "So, Little Miss Freak is going to do something normal? Something the rest of us have to do. What have we done to deserve this honor?" Rachel just walks past her. Kitten grabs her arm, "Speak to me when and _only_ when _I_ want you to."

Rachel simply says, "This isn't my choice. Believe me, the less I see of you the better." Rachel frees her arm and reluctantly goes to join the class.

Kitten's angry. "How dare that freak be rude to me? I'll show her not to make me angry." She comes up with a plan. She goes out to join the class with an evil grin on her face.

In class, while everyone else is more or less playing softball, Rachel just stands in the outfield. She stands as far away from everyone as she can. She's very annoyed. She would much rather be inside, than out in the hot sun. If the ball ever comes near her, Rachel doesn't attempt to get it. She watches Kitten and her friends group together. Occasionally somebody looks her direction and laughs. Rachel's curious about them but she won't let them know that. She crosses her arms and glares at everyone.

Class has about twenty or thirty minutes left when Kitten calls out to Coach Evans. With a sickening-sweet sing-songy voice Kitten says, "Coach Evans, could the girls go in early and take a shower. It's so hot out here. Please."

Coach Evans thinks about it for a moment. Kitten flutters her eyelashes. He sighs, "OK, the girls can go in. Guys, why don't you run a few laps."

Kitten flashes a thousand-watt smile. "Thanks, Coach Evans, you're the best." Kitten and her friends head back to school giggling.

Rachel's not sure what's going on. She walks up to Samantha Rutledge, a girl with stringy brown hair. Rachel whispers, "Are we really doing this? Taking a shower, here at school?"

Samantha shrugs then nods. "I guess so. Sometimes Kitten gets these ideas in her head. It usually happens when she has a date or a new boyfriend or something. Of course we end up doing what Kitten wants. The teachers can't say no to her."

Rachel doesn't like this at all. She's afraid someone might see her bruises and scratches. Rachel, not wanting to be seen by any of the girls, waits to go into a shower stall last. It surprises her by how good the warm water feels. She didn't do anything but got too hot in the sweat suit. Rachel's enjoying the shower when she hears giggling outside the door. Someone pulls the handle. Terrified someone will open the door, Rachel holds on the handle on her side. She hears something being slide into the handle. The giggling increases. They've locked her in the shower stall. "Hey, let me out." She struggles with the door. Nothing happens. She is locked in. "Let me out!" A group of girls laugh outside of Rachel's stall. Rachel growls "Open the door! Damn it! Let me out!" The girls leave the locker room laughing. "No, wait, come back! Please let me out!"

One girl walks up to the stall. "Ha, stupid freak," says Kitten, "Think I'm actually gonna let you out. I had to teach you a lesson after your little speech at lunch. You do what _I_ say. I'm in control; _I_ rule this school. You're nothing. You're nothing but a stupid, creepy freak." She laughs as she leaves. "I don't want to see _you_ anytime soon, loser."

All alone now, Rachel tries to shake the door loose. Nothing she tries works. She doesn't want to call for help. To be found naked in the shower stall in the girls' locker room would be humiliating. She has no idea how much time has past. She knows she's missing her last class. The water is getting cold so she turns it off. She reaches over the door for a towel, but that's gone. With her arms wrapped around her, she starts to shiver. She wonders, '_How long will it take someone to notice I'm not around? Will someone even notice? Oh my God! I'm freezing! Damn that bitch, Kitten!' _Angry and cold, she tries the door again. After what feels like hours Rachel has a thought, '_Kori, Kori's in my class. Maybe she'll come looking for me. Maybe, she'll …I'm kidding myself. Nobody's going to be looking for me.' _After several minutes, hours, days, it feels like forever, Rachel thinks she hears a noise. '_Is someone coming? Should I call out? It'll be so humiliating to be found like this. Oh screw it, I want out.' _She bangs on the shower stall door, hoping to get someone's attention. "H-help. H-help-p!"

Someone comes into the girls' locker room. A girl's voice says, "Hello is someone there?"

'_Oh my God, I think it's Kori.'_ Rachel calls out through chattering teeth, "K-k-kor-ri, is th-a-at-t you?"

Kori looks under a shower stall. She sees two white feet with black nail polish. She calls out, "Rachel, is that you? What are you doing in here?"

Rachel's relieved, she's getting out. "K-kori, the d-door is s-st-tuck." Kori throws a couple towels over the door. Rachel wraps one towel around her body. She drapes the other one over her shoulders. She's trying to get warm.

Kori's trying to get the door to open but she's having trouble. She calls out, "I cannot get it to open. I will be right back. I have to go get the guys." Rachel groans. Soon Kori comes back with Vic, Gar and Richard. She's telling them how she found Rachel.

Vic's working on the door. Gar says, "Dude, what happened?" Rachel wonders, '_Did he just call me dude or is he talking to Vic?'_

The door is finally opened. Rachel steps out of the shower stall relieved. She stands there with towels wrapped around her and her wet hair hanging down her back. She looks uncomfortable and nervous. She says quietly, "Um, thanks for getting me out."

They start talking at the same time. They want to know what happened. Rachel shrugs and says, "I don't know. I guess the door got stuck. Um, would you mind going? I, um, I want to get, uh, get dressed." Everyone leaves to give Rachel her privacy.

Going over to the locker with her clothes, she's shocked to find it open and empty. "No, no. Oh no, damn it! This is not happening. No!" Angry, she slams the locker door shut. This causes the other to run back in. She tells them her clothes are missing.

Vic asks, "You're sure this is where you left them?"

Rachel snaps, "Of course. I don't participate in P.E. much but I should know where I left my clothes." She sighs. "Sorry, I'm just …I'm gonna be so late getting home. And now I can't find my clothes." Angry tears form in her eyes. She quickly wipes them away. She can't let _anyone_ see her cry.

"Don't worry, we'll help you find 'em," says Vic. The five teens search the girls' locker room. Rachel is grateful to be the one to find her panties. Soon everything is found; except for one thing.

"I think I found it," Gar says. He's blushing. He holds up a bra.

Rachel's eyes grow large with terror. Severely blushing, she snatches her bra from Gar. She mutters a quick thanks before rushing to a stall to get dressed.

Stepping out of the stall, she's dressed. Completely covered from head to toe. Checking the clock, she groans. "I'm gonna be so late. My dad's … ugh, I can't be late again."

Hearing this Vic asks, "Wanna a ride?" she bites her bottom lip, trying to decide. He says, "It won't be a problem."

"Are you sure? I don't want make you go out of your way."

"Nah, it's OK, I don't mind."

"Um, OK, as long as your sure." They all go to Vic's car.

On the way to her house, she says, "Um, thanks. I mean thank you for helping me get out, finding my things and for the ride. And, uh, sorry about lunch. Maybe, if you don't mind, we could try lunch again?"

Kori claps her hand cheerfully. "This is wonderful. I am making a new friend." Rachel gives her weak smile before getting out of the car. Walking to the door Rachel thinks, '_I guess I have some friends. *sigh* what am I getting myself into.'

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**So, what'd you think? Does anything I write make sense? Rachel's life will get better before it gets worse. It's kind of the opposite of "darkest before the dawn". I guess that means her life will be "lightest before the dusk". What? o_O Don't mind me, I'm crazy. Please review.**

**I'm still looking for songs; something about being or becoming friends. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.**

**Should I keep with the idea of song lyrics at the beginning of the chapters? If I keep the lyrics, could some of them go at the end?**

**Right now it's: song, song, song, story, story, story, blah, blah, blah (blah=A/N). Some chapters could be: story, story, story, song, song, song, blah, blah, blah. Grrr, I don't know. =/ OK, I'm gonna go bang my head against a wall until I get some ideas or I can walk though it. :P**


	5. Chapter 5: Because of You

**Songs About Me**

**Thank you to those who have reviewed.**

**Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to update. I was almost done with this chapter when things changed. I hope you like how it turned out. And I hope I will soon be able to update more frequently. No promises. -_-'**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own them, Kelly Clarkson or these lyrics.**

**Chapter 5 - Because of You

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**"**_I loose my way / It's not too long before you point it out / I cannot cry / Because I know that's weakness in your eyes / I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh / Every day of my life / My heart can't possibly break / When it wasn't even whole to start with / Because of you / I never stray too far from the sidewalk / Because of you / I learned to play on the safe side / So I don't get hurt / Because of you / I find it hard to trust / Not only me, but everyone around me / Because of you / I am afraid"-_Because of You, Kelly Clarkson

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Rachel slowly begins to settle in with her new friends. She's still quiet. She doesn't open up to them too much. Rachel figures if she doesn't have anything to say; why speak just to make a fool of herself. The truth is, if Rachel would admit it, she's afraid. She's afraid if she lets people get close then she'll get hurt. She's afraid to be hurt anymore than she has been.

One day when their history class ends, Kori goes over to Rachel. "Rachel, would you care to work with me for the paper we must write?" asks Kori. "We could go to the library and afterwards we could do the hanging out."

Rachel's a little surprised by this. She really just hangs out with them at lunch sometimes and an occasional ride home. "I don't know Kori. I think I have other things to do."

Kori frowns, and says, "We both have to work on this paper. You could ride with me to the library. We do not have to spend time together after studying if you do not want to. Please?"

Rachel sighs, "OK, I guess we can go to the library." Kori begins to clap. Rachel gives her a look that causes her to stop. Kori simply has a large grin. "I need to stop of at my house before going to the library. I have to get a book I need to return."

As Kori drives them to Rachel's house, Kori does most of the talking: school, movies, music, and shopping. Rachel mostly nods or gives one-word answers; she's hoping her father's not home. When they arrive at the house, Rachel's relieved; Trigon's not there so Kori goes inside with her.

Inside, Kori looks around. "Your home is beautiful."

Rachel glances around the house. It is beautiful. It looks like a model home; everything is in its place. Everything is perfect. Perfect, except there are no family photographs. There are some generic pictures but nothing special. There's nothing really personal about the place. "Uh, yeah, I guess. Thanks. So, um, …" Rachel thinks to herself, '_Now what? What do I do? I don't know what to do when a friend comes over. I think I was eight or nine the last time I had a friend over. I don't know what to do. …' _Aloud Rachel says, "Um, want something to drink or eat?"

Not sensing Rachel's uneasiness, Kori says cheerfully, "Yes, I will have water and whatever you are going to have for a snack." Rachel grabs two waters from the fridge. She motions for Kori to follow her upstairs.

Unlocking her bedroom door, Rachel explains, "I keep snacks in my room. My dad doesn't like junk food." '_He doesn't like anything.'_

Entering Rachel's room, Kori says, "Oh, I understand. I must keep some things hidden from my sister. She likes to take thinks without asking. She is such a snollygoster." Rachel raises her eyebrows, '_snollygoster?' _Kori suddenly stops. "Ooh, Rachel, your room."

"Yeah, what about it?" Rachel says defensively. In the two or three years, they have lived in this house; she has never had anyone in her room. Not even her father.

"Your room is just like you. It matches your personality. The color is perfect and I love the design on the wall. How did you do it?"

The walls are a medium shade of a purplish-grey. Kind of a charcoal grey mixed with purple. Depending on the light, sometimes it looks purple and other times grey. The wall to the left of the door has the closet, followed by a simple nightstand then an iron bed in the corner. The bed follows along the far wall. On the walls near the head of her bed, she has painted silvery-grey swirls. In the corner, at near the foot of her bed, is a bookshelf. Next to the bookshelf, under the window, is a desk. Artwork and drawing cover the corner near the desk. The artwork continues along the remaining wall. There is also a dresser with an oval mirror over it along this wall. All the furniture is black or a dark grey. Candles and books are scattered throughout the room. The room has a bit of a mystical feel.

Rachel shrugs her shoulders and says, "All I did was paint it."

As Rachel searches for the library book Kori studies the wall color. "What color is this? It looks like it is purple or grey, maybe a little blue."

"I don't know," says Rachel, still searching through the pile of books on her desk. "It was a mistint at the paint store." Kori looks a little confused so Rachel explains. "Mistints are paints that people return because it's, I don't know, the wrong color or something. Sometimes the colors are weird but they're really cheep. And the swirls, I just mixed some of my own paint and did that. Sometimes I add more to it."

Getting excited, Kori asks, "Do you think you could do something like that in my room? Would you be willing to? Maybe paint clouds on the ceiling. You could do any design you want."

"Uh, I don't know. Sure, I guess I could." Rachel finally finds the book she's been looking for. Her room's not _that_ messy. She just has many books and Kori is distracting her.

Kori claps quickly. "This will be wonderful. We will have to decide when to do my room makeover." While Rachel is getting some granola bars for them, Kori starts to look at the artwork/drawings. "Did you do all these?"

Rachel tries to block her from looking at them. "Don't look at those. They're not really that good."

"Do you design clothing as well?" asks Kori seeing some sketches.

Trying to steer her away from the drawings Rachel says, "Not really. Sometimes I alter things."

Grabbing the granola bar Rachel's waving in front of her, Kori says, "You should meet Jinni. She designs and makes a lot of her things. She's …"

The front door slams. Trigon yells, "Damn it, Rachel where are you! Who the hell's car is that in my driveway!"

Rachel cringes. _'Great. I was hoping to get out of here before he came home.'_ Motioning for a startled Kori to follow her, "My dad's home and it doesn't sound like he's in a good mood. We should go." Calling out to Trigon, Rachel yells, "Dad, we're upstairs. It's Ok. The car belongs to my friend Kori."

Trigon hollers, "What! Cory? You have a boy here!"

Coming down the stairs, Rachel says, "No, not Cory with a C; not a boy. It's Kori, Kori Anders. _She's_ my friend from school."

Kori gives a slight wave. "Hello, Mr. Roth. I am sorry if I parked in your space."

Trigon barely acknowledges the redhead. He looks angrily at his daughter. "So you've been having people over when I'm not here, when I'm out of town?"

Rachel shakes her head. "No, no I don't have anyone over. Today's the first time. We're going to the library to work on a paper. I needed to get a book. That's all; I've never had anyone here."

"Right, like I should believe a lying bitch like you." he says in anger.

His daughter wishes for him to calm down. She thinks, _'Where is this coming from? I've never giving him a reason to think I have friends over.'_

Almost as if he's reading her mind, Trigon says, "You've never given me a reason to think you're telling the truth. You're just spoiled rotten bitch."

With her fists clenched at her sides, Rachel tries to keep her voice steady. "Kori, wait outside, please. I'll be out in a minute." After Kori leaves, Rachel says to her father, "You know that's not true. I have to go to the library and work on things for school. You have the house to yourself tonight. I will be home later." He takes a step towards Rachel causing her to finch. He smirks at her fear.

Leaving, Rachel loudly shuts both the front door and the car door. They drive to the library in silence. As they arrive, a Taylor Swift song comes on the radio. Listening to the song about finding true love, Rachel looks out the side window. _'Why would he do that? Say those things in front of Kori? He likes to portray the image of a perfect family.' _Kori's soft voice interrupts her thoughts. "I am sorry he yelled at you like that."

Rachel sighs and says, "No, I'm sorry. You should have seen that. He's just in a bad mood. I guess he had a bad day at work. Plus his back has been bothering him. There are reasons why he was angry. He's not usually like that." _'Sometimes he's worse.'_

Kori asks, "Where was your mom? Certainly she would not like or let your dad talk to you like that."

"My mom is, um, my mom is gone. It's just me and my dad."

"Oh, I am very sorry," says Kori. "I too know what it is like to lose a parent. In my case, I lost both of them about six years ago."

Rachel looks at Kori with astonishment. She's surprised by what Kori just said. For some strange reason, Rachel thought her friends had perfect lives. "I'm, I'm sorry, Kori. I, I didn't know."

Kori smiles sadly. "That is all right. I do not like to talk about it too much. It makes me very sad but I know they are watching after me. I am sure your mom is doing the same."

Grabbing her books Rachel says, "Yeah, I guess, maybe. We should get to work."

They have been working quietly for about an hour. Rachel reaches up for a book on a high shelf. This causes her sweatshirt to rise up. Suddenly Kori cries out, "Oh my gosh, Rachel, what happened? How did you get that bruise?"

Rachel quickly pulls the hem of her sweatshirt down. '_What bruise? Which one?'_ She looks at Kori confused.

Concerned, Kori says, "The bruise on your hip. Oh my gosh, what happened? It looks like it hurts so badly."

"The other day I, um, I ran into the kitchen table." Rachel explains, "When I got home from school the phone was ringing. I ran in to answer it. I dropped my bag next to the table. I forgot it was there and tripped over it, running into the table."

Still worried, Kori says, "Oh, ow. It looks so painful."

Rachel tries to convince her that it's not as bad as it looks. Kori doesn't seem to believe her. "It really doesn't hurt that bad. You know how some bruises can barely be seen but they hurt like hell. And others, like this one, look horrible but you hardly feel a thing. That's how this one is. Believe me; it hardly hurts. I mean, if I put pressure on it, it hurts. Kori, it's OK. This is nothing. I'm just klutzy sometimes. I did something stupid, that's all."

"You are sure you are all right? That there is nothing wrong?" asks Kori.

"Kori, I'm fine. Nothing is wrong. We should probably get back to work. Which books should we check out?"

Rachel pretends to read the book in front of her. Instead, she's thinking about what she told Kori. '_Most of it was true. But I didn't just "trip" over my bag. Dad found it on the floor. That made him angry and he pushed me into the table. I have to be more careful. I can't let anyone find out. He will kill me if anyone knows.' _She looks up it find Kori looking at her, concerned.

Kori asks, "Rachel, are you sure you are all right?"

Rachel brushes her thoughts away. "Yeah, I'm fine. Did you figure out which books you're checking out? I think I'll get these to start."

"Yes, I think I am ready to go," says Kori. "Do you want to come over to my house for dinner?"

It's been years since Rachel has been to somebody's house. "Are you sure it's OK? I don't want to get you into trouble because you invited me over without asking first."

Kori laughs, "My uncle won't mind. I am always inviting someone over." Dreading going home, Rachel accepts the invitation.

Driving to Kori's house, Kori mentions her sister. "If we are lucky Cami, my sister, will have plans and will not be home. She is not that nice. She is such a harpy." They are in luck, Cami's not home.

A tall, large man with hair the same color as Kori's meets them at the door. Kori gives him a hug. "Uncle Galen, this is my friend, Rachel Roth. Rachel, this is my wonderful Uncle Galen."

In her usual monotone voice Rachel says, "Hello. I hope it's not a problem that I'm coming over, sir."

Galen says, "Of course it's no problem. Kori's friends are always welcome."

The three sit down to dine on spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread and something blue, green, and giggly that Rachel can't identify. Rachel's enjoying everything except the mystery food. She listens to Kori and her uncle chat about their day.

Galen turns to Rachel and says, "So Rachel, what about you? Tell me a little about yourself." Rachel's surprised by this. If she ever has a meal with her father, the meals are silent. A few weeks ago at breakfast, that was the first time in along time that he paid any attention to her during a meal.

"Um, I don't know. There's not much interesting about me."

Galen says, "Kori says you are new to her lunch group. Are you new to Jump City?"

Rachel shakes her head and simply says, "We moved here a few years ago."

Galen tries again to get Rachel to open up to them. "What about your parents? What do they do? Have any siblings?"

Rachel says quickly, "It's just me and dad."

He asks, "What does your father do?"

"He's a CEO at H.A.D.E.S. Enterprise." Galen and Kori look a little puzzled. Rachel says, "Hoyt Acquisitions …Enterprise, I know there's more to the name."

"You mean Hoyt Enterprise. Well, that sounds important. He must be very busy," comments Kori's uncle. Rachel simply nods, yes. She thinks,_ 'Yeah, I call it Hoyt Acquisitions, Deals, Extortion and Steal: H.A.D.E.S. I don't agree with the way he does business. What do I know? I'm just a kid. He's told me that several times.'_

Galen gets up. He starts to clear the table. "Well, Kori is right. You are a quiet one. It is a nice change from the normal prattle that goes on around here."

"Uncle?" whines Kori in a mock pout.

He rustles his niece's hair. "Of course I love your chatter, my little chinwagger." He kisses the top of her head. Kori flashes a smile.

Rachel watches them. She is a little envious of there relationship. A part of her wishes she could be this open and free around people.

As the three are cleaning up the kitchen, Kori's sister Cami comes home. Cami is a year older than Kori. Both sisters are beautiful, but where Kori has an innocent beauty. Cami has an exotic beauty. She has long hair like Kori's, except Cami's is black. Cami has almond shaped eyes. Hers are intense and violet.

She eyes Rachel with disapproval. Cami says, "So little sister, it looks like you brought home another stray. You've always been soft for the weak."

"Cami, that is enough," warns Galen.

Cami pouts a little, "Sorry, uncle." When Galen turns around Cami glares at the two girls.

Once Galen leaves the room, Cami whispers, "Kori, I don't know how you expect to become more popular if you keep hanging around losers. Oh well, that's your problem. Just don't come near me with or without your creepy little friends. Who knows what I might catch."

Rachel mutters, "It couldn't be any worse than what you might be spreading." Cami looks like she could kill Rachel.

Kori says, "Cami, if to be popular I must be a backstabbing, um, witch then I do not wish to be popular."

"Whatever. You're both freaks," says Cami before leaving the kitchen.

Soon after meeting Kori's "charming" sister, Kori drives Rachel home. "I hope Cami did not insult you too much." says Kori.

"No, I'm pretty much used to it. That doesn't mean I like hearing it, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. Thank your uncle again for the delicious meal. See you tomorrow?"

Kori smiles, "Yes, I will see you at school."

Rachel waits for Kori to drive away before entering the house. When she enters the house there's no sigh of her father. She wonders where he is. She soon finds out. He's waiting for her in the kitchen. He's drinking. "So my sweet daughter, done with the bitchy attitude?" He spits out "daughter" like it's poison.

Trying to ignore him, Rachel walks past him and mutters, "I wish mom was here."

He grabs her by her arm. He spins her around. He grasps her by her upper arms. "What was that?" Rachel shakes her head. Trigon says, "I know you said something. Are you gonna tell me? Or are you too scared? Do I have to beat it out of you?"

His daughter tries to summon her courage. Taking a deep breath, Rachel says, "I said I wish mom was here. She wouldn't let you treat me like you do. She would stop you. And I-I'm not afraid of you." She hates that her voice wavers.

"So you think Angela could stop me? She wouldn't stop me. Actually, she didn't want kids. Especially not a bratty, bitch like you. You're just an accident, a mistake she couldn't fix. She should've gone though with the abortion like she wanted to. But she got too scared. My life would be better if I didn't have to look after you." He sneers at the pain that flicker in his daughter's eyes. "What did you tell your stupid little friend about me?"

Rachel shakes her head. "Nothing. I didn't tell her anything. I don't tell anyone anything."

He roughly shakes his daughter. "Lying bitch! I know you said something to her. That's why you suddenly got these friends. So you can turn me in." He laughs ominously, "So you're not afraid of me? Stupid little girl, you should be. If you tell anyone I will kill you." He echoes her thoughts from earlier. Frightened, Rachel struggles to get free. She kicks out at him. He slams her hard against the wall. Her head crashes forcefully against the wall. A small cry escapes from Rachel's lips. She sees stars for a moment. Darkness is following the stars. She struggles against the darkness, but soon looses that battle. Trigon releases her. His laughter is full of hatred as she collapses on the kitchen floor.

Rachel begins to stir. She starts to regain consciousness. Slowly opening her eyes, Rachel sees the house is dark. She has no idea what time it is. She starts to get up. Her head is pounding. She gingerly touches the knot on the back of her head. As she carefully gets up, Rachel wonders, '_Why does he hate me so much?' _Standing up, her head begins to spin. Rachel grabs the wall for support. She closes her eyes and waits for the feeling to pass. She has no idea where her father is, if he's even in the house. She doesn't care. She just wants to get to her bed. Gripping walls and furniture, Rachel slowly makes her way to her room. Once she makes it to her bed, she passes out.

Somewhere in the distance there is knocking on a door. Rachel doesn't know where it's coming from. Sometimes it's more of a pounding than a knocking. She wonders if the pounding is in her head. She feels like her brain will explode.

* * *

**Sooo, is this completely awful? If it is, well, sorry. I'm trying to make it better.**

**I _think_ I have most of SAM planned out. I think, I don't know. Maybe not. I look at what I have planned and think: this is great. I love it. The next time I look at I think: this is awful, nobody will like it. I look at a third time and think: well, maybe it's not sooo bad. Augh! I'm driving myself crazy (that's not a long trip).**

**Please tell me what you think. I will beg if I have to. Uh, um, OK, please! _please! PLEASE! __PLEASE!__PLEEEEEEEEZZZZZZ!_Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Please review. ^_^***


	6. Chapter 6: Dead Flowers

**Songs About Me**

**Hooray! A new chapter. Well, it's about time. Sorry, ^_^' I meant to have this done sooner. Ideas for future chapters keep popping into my head.**

**Thanks for reading S.A.M. Many thanks to The-Dark-Love-Writer, Star Melody, FelynxTiger, fashionchic3200 and Reeba123 for reviewing. I hope y'all enjoy this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not nor will I ever own Teen Titans, Miranda Lambert or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 6 - Dead Flowers**

* * *

"_**He ain't feeling anything / My love, my hurt, or the sting of this rain / I'm living in a hurricane / All he can say is, 'Man, ain't it such a nice day?' / Hey I guess we'll just go to waste / Like dead flowers"**_**-Dead Flowers, Miranda Lambert**

* * *

Rachel wakes to pounding on her door. The pounding on the door coincides with the pounding in her head. Trigon calls out, "If you want a ride to school I'm leaving in ten minutes." A groan is her response. After laying there for several minutes, Rachel slowly gets up. Having slept in her clothes, she just changes her sweatshirt. She doesn't have time to do anything else. She's moving as fast as her throbbing head will let her, but it's not fast enough. Trigon leaves the house as Rachel is locking her bedroom door. Now she has to walk to school. _'Maybe it's for the best,' _she thinks, '_I don't really want to see dad right now.'_

Once at school, Rachel wishes she had skipped and stayed home. She's not focusing on any of her classes. Finally, it's lunchtime. She sits down at a table. She doesn't care if it's their table or not she just wants to sit down. With her elbow on the table, she props her head in her hand.

"…Rachel? Rachel? Are you all right?" Rachel looks up to see Richard, who looks concerned. He repeats, "Are you all right? I said your name about five times before you looked up."

"Sorry. I'm just tired. Didn't get much sleep."

Vic and Garfield come over to the table. Vic has a tray full of food. "Hey, guys," says Vic. "I thought we were gonna eat in the courtyard today. I don't care where we eat just as long as we do. Hope Kori finds us in here. Hey, Rae, you feelin' okay?"

Garfield looks over at her and says, "Yeah, you look awful."

Folding her arms onto the table, Rachel lays her head down on them. "Wow, you really know how to win a girl's heart."

Gar tries to clear things up. "No, I mean, you look like you're sick or something."

Rachel mumbles, "I have a killer headache." Richard raises an eyebrow. _'She never mentioned a headache.' _He decides not to say anything.

Kori rushes into the cafeteria. "Hi everybody. I thought we had planned to eat outside." Seeing Rachel, Kori goes to her side. "Rachel, are you not feeling well?"

Rachel sits up and rubs her hand over her eyes. "It's nothing. I was just up late studying and reading. That's all." Richard wonders, '_Another answer? What's going on with her?"_

Kori eyes her friend with concern. "I hope you did not get into any more trouble with your dad. He should not have been so mean to you."

The guys look between the girls, curious. Sighing, Rachel says, "It's okay. Things are …normal." She gives a small weak smile. Rachel's stomach growls loudly, causing her to blush.

Vic asks, "Have you had anything to eat?"

Rachel starts to shake her head but quickly stops. The movement causes her head to throb. "I didn't have time," she explains.

Vic puts a third of his food in front of her. "Here. Eat." They all realize this is the most food they have seen in front of Rachel. She usually just has a sandwich or baggie of pretzels. Occasionally she'll have both. Rachel takes a few tentative bites. She's afraid the food might make her feel worse. It doesn't; her head begins to feel a little better.

Before going to their next class, Richard stops Kori. "Hey, Kori, wait up. What were you talking about back there? What was that about Rachel and her dad?"

Kori shakes her head. "I cannot tell you too much. We stopped at her house before going to the library. When her dad came home, he was angry with her. He said …some unkind things to her."

"I bet Rachel was upset," says Richard.

Kori nods. "She tried to pretend it did not bother her, but I could tell it did. Rachel would not be happy if she knew I was telling you this. Our new friend has a lot of sadness in her. She tries to hide it. I think she tries to pretend that the mean things people say and do does not bother her. I wish we could help her be less sad like my friends have helped me."

* * *

After school, Rachel is gathering her books at her locker. Richard comes up to her. "Hey, Rachel, um, can I talk with you?"

She shrugs her shoulders, "Uh, okay, sure. What about?"

"Earlier at lunch, you told us different reasons why you weren't feeling well. Why'd you do that? Why not just tell us what was wrong?"

She glares at him. "I did tell you. I was tired because I was up late reading and that caused my headache."

Richard's not convinced. "So then why didn't you just say that? Why did you give a different answer to each of us?"

She slams her locker shut. "What are you getting at? I'm lying? You can't trust me?" she says angrily.

Richard sighs. "I do trust you. I just think there might be something you're not telling us, a reason why you have this headache. Kori mentioned the fight you had with your dad." Rachel tries not to show the panic that's bubbling in the pit of her stomach. '_What did Kori tell them? What does he know?' _Richard continues, "I'm not judging you but drinking could've caused your headache." She just glares at him. Thinking she's not understanding him, Richard explains, "You could have a hangover."

Rachel is relieved and stunned. He doesn't know anything; her secret's safe. Finding what he's hinting at irritating, she says, "I don't drink. Why would you think that? Because I'm the school freak and I had a fight with my dad, so I must drown my sorrows in alcohol. Is that what you think? Like I said I don't drink." '_That's dad's thing.'_

Running a hand through his hair, Richard sighs. "I'm not judging you. I just know from experience. Feeling the pressure put on you by others and yourself and wanting to escape. You have some drinks to try to escape. And the next day you feel like hell."

Rachel knows some of the students drink, especially the juniors and seniors. It's never occurred to her that her friends might drink. "You drink? I had no idea. Do the others, um, drink with you? Do you drink a lot?" Rachel wonders.

He shoots her an annoyed glare. "I'm not an alcoholic if that's what you're thinking. I don't drink all the time. I've only drank a few times, usually after I fight with my 'dad'. Drinking doesn't solve anything. The next day I felt and looked awful. And no, as far as I know the others don't drink. Well, maybe Vic does. But he's so into his sports, he probably doesn't drink too often. Kori doesn't seem like that type of girl."

Rachel crosses her arms across her chest. "But I look like the kind of girl who would drink?" Richard groans and shakes his head in frustration.

Victor peaks his head around the corner. He calls out, "Hey, y'all, ya coming?"

Richard calls back to him, "Yeah, we're coming." To Rachel he says, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought I was looking out for a friend."

With guarded emotions, Rachel says, "Thanks for the concern but there's nothing wrong."

In silence, they go to catch up with the others. Exiting the school, the five teens walk towards the parking lot. Garfield's complaining about his homework when Rachel stops in her tracks, causing him to run into her. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

She tightens her grip on the strap of her backpack. '_What's _he_ doing here?_' Trigon is waiting by his car; waiting to pick up Rachel. To the others she says, "Sorry, guess I don't need a ride. I, I forgot my dad's picking me up today. See you guys tomorrow." '_If I live that long. Please, don't let tonight be like last night.' _They all say goodbye. Full of dread, Rachel walks towards her father's car.

Getting in the car, Trigon chats about nothing in particular, the weather, work, things like that. Rachel glances at him through her hair that has fallen in front of her face. She wonders, '_Does he even remember last night? He could've killed me, but it's as if nothing ever happened. _I'm _certainly not gonna remind him.' _Trigon interrupts her thoughts when he asks her about school.

Rachel says, "Not much happened. It was just another day at school."

"So those are your friends?" He asks. She nods. "Isn't that that Grayson kid? He's Bruce Wayne's son or something. He'd be a pretty good catch for you."

"He's just a friend. We're all just friends, nothing more," says Rachel, hoping he'll drop the subject.

* * *

It has been quiet since Rachel went with Kori to the library. Things are back to normal no fighting or arguing. Trigon doesn't seem to notice that Rachel is quiet and shies away from him. Everything continues as normal. She's surprised by this, even though it happens after most of their fights. What Rachel doesn't realize is Trigon does notice how his daughter acts around him. He can sense her anxiety after every fight. He likes knowing he has that power over her. He can make his strong-willed, strong-minded daughter afraid of him.

Friday afternoon, Rachel is sitting at the kitchen table working on homework. Trigon is reading the paper in the study. The doorbell rings. Being the closest to the door, Trigon gets up to answer it. Rachel continues with her schoolwork. Whoever is at the door wouldn't be for her. Nobody comes to see her. Rachel looks up in shock when she hears a female voice say, "Hello, Mr. Roth, is Rachel here? May we speak with her?" Rachel thinks, '_Kori? What's she doing here? We? Who else is here?'_

Trigon calls out, "Rach, two of your friends are here." He goes back to the study to read the newspaper. Rachel goes to the foyer and is surprised to see Kori and Garfield.

Trying to hide her surprise, Rachel asks, "Kori, Gar, what are you doing here?"

Kori says, "We were wondering if you wanted to go to the game with us" Rachel just looks at them as if she doesn't know what they're talking about. Garfield explains, "It's a football game. It's tonight."

"I know it's a football game. I've just never been to one."

"Oh, you will love it. It is so exciting, all the food and people. It will be fun. Please Rachel say you will come with us."

"I don't know, Kori." Rachel points over her shoulder towards the kitchen. "I'm working on my homework and I have a lot of it."

Garfield freaks out, "You're doing homework! On a Friday night? Looks like we're rescuing you just in time. Only nerds do homework on Fridays."

Rachel glares at him. She deadpans, "Then I guess I'll be a freak and a nerd."

From behind, a large hand clamps down on Rachel's shoulder. She jumps and lets out a squeak. Trigon says, "Go with your friends. Have some fun. You've been working too much on your homework."

Rachel tries to steady her breathing before she speaks. "Are you sure? I have a lot to do. You said I couldn't go anywhere before I finished it."

He laughs, sending a chill down his daughter's spine. "I'm sure. I'm just going to be doing some work myself. Maybe make some phone calls. Nothing exciting will be happening here. You're homework can wait. Go, Rach. Have fun with your friends." He gives her a slight shove out the door.

As he closes the door, Rachel says, lacking any enthusiasm, "I guess I'm supposed to go to the game. Not that I really want to go to a football game."

Garfield drapes his arm around Rachel's shoulders. "It'll be great. You're gonna have so much fun."

Rachel looks down at Garfield's hand on her shoulder. She turns and glares at him. "I highly doubt it." Garfield quickly jumps away from her.

Kori give the irritated girl an encouraging smile. "Come on, Rachel, try it. You just might find out you like football games. Besides, do you not want to cheer Vic and Richard on to victory?"

Rachel throws her hands up in defeat. "Okay, fine, I'll go with you guys. But I'm not guaranteeing that I'll have fun."

As Kori's car pulls into the crowded parking lot, Rachel sighs. She hates crowds. She can handle the swarm of students well enough. She "knows" or rather recognizes most of those people. Here, with the families and the other team, most are strangers. She hates feeling so lost. She closes her eyes and tries to control her fear. She also tries to suppress her anger. Rachel's angry with her dad. He knows that she has hated crowds, ever since she got lost in a crowd when she was just six. He had laughed at her fears even then. She would feel better if this wasn't sprung on her, if she had more time to settle her nerves.

Kori and Garfield are getting out of the car. He says, "Hey, Rae, ya comin'?"

Rachel sighs, "Yeah, I'm coming." Joining up with the two she says, "It's Rachel, not Rae. Got it?" Garfield simply nods.

The three teens buy their tickets go towards the stands. Before they get there, a cheerleader comes up to them. She's tall and slim but has a shapely figure. Her chocolate brown skin is almost the same color as her warm brown eyes. "Hey, Kori, what's up?" the girl asks.

"Oh, hi Karen. Not much. We are here to cheer us onto victory!"

Karen laughs, "Maybe you should be a cheerleader with all that enthusiasm you have."

"Oh, do you know Rachel?" says Kori.

Karen says, "Um, yea, we had a couple of classes together last year. Hey, Rachel, how's it goin'?"

"Hi, Karen. Super." the dark haired girl deadpans. The others shrug their shoulders and continue chatting. Rachel thinks Karen's not too bad. She's okay for a cheerleader. Not she does an okay job at being a cheerleader. She's an okay person for a cheerleader. Karen's not like a lot of them. She has a brain and uses it.

Rachel returns her focus back to her friends. Karen says, "I have to go. See y'all later. Hopefully after we win." She heads towards the field but stops after a few feet. She calls out, "Hey, did ya hear about the dance?"

Kori says, "What? What dance?"

The crowd grows between them. Karen yells, "I'll tell you later!"

Excited, Kori talks about the dance all the way to the stands. "A dance? Is there going to be a dance? I thought the school officials decided against. This is _so_ exciting! I wonder when it is. There is a lot to do: dresses, shoes, hair." Turning to Rachel she says, "Of course you are going."

Rachel looks up shocked. She has never thought about going to a dance, why start now. "Me? Seriously? I don't think so. Dances aren't really my thing."

Garfield laughs, "The dance is back on? Cool, everyone will get to see my moves. All the ladies will notice me." He starts humming a song and dancing. Not paying attention, he almost runs into a light post.

Kori giggles and Rachel rolls her eyes. Rachel dryly says, "Your 'moves' are gonna get you noticed in the ER."

Garfield keeps dancing, but pays attention this time. "Aww, come on Rachel, ya know ya like how I dance. Why don't ya show us what ya can do?"

Glowering at Garfield, Rachel says, "Do you really want to see the ER?"

* * *

Rachel stands line at the concession stand. She wonders why she let them talk her into this, going to the game, getting the food. She doesn't do things like this, things that normal teens do. She hides, is alone all the time, avoids her father as much as possible. Standing in line at a high school football game is what a normal girl would do. Rachel thinks, '_I'm not normal._'

Rachel tries not to think about what Trigon said the night of their fight. But, sometimes the doubt creeps into her mind at the strangest times: during a test, while brushing her teeth, her sleep, when she's with her friends. The ugly thoughts seep into her brain like a fog. She tries to push them aside. Rachel knows that her father probably said that to upset her, that it's not true. It causes Rachel so much pain just the same. She wonders, '_Did she really not want to have me? Would she have had an abortion if she wasn't so scared?'_

Rachel is so lost in her thoughts she doesn't notice that the man standing behind her in line is studying her. She's surprised when he taps her on the shoulder and says hi. Rachel says, "Uh, hi." She thinks, '_What does he want?_'

The man with sandy blond hair, in his mid-to-late thirties, says, "You're Angela and Trigon's daughter, aren't you?"

"Yeah, so what about it?" says Rachel. She eyes him suspiciously.

The man puts his hand out to shake. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Hi, I'm Martin Taylor. I went to school with your mother. I knew you were Angela's daughter. It's amazing."

After hesitantly shaking his hand. "How did you know? What's amazing?"

Martin says, "Sorry, it's just that you look so much like Angela did at your age. Oh, I also knew your dad. I worked with him for a while. They made a good couple." He looks around as if he's looking for someone. "Are you and your folks just here for the game?"

"Um, no, dad and I moved here, to Jump City, a few years ago."

Martin asks, "And Angela? What about her? Where is she?"

Rachel looks down. "She's um, uh …" She hates talking about her mom, especially to strangers.

Martin quickly says, "Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't know. It must have been hard for her to leave behind the daughter she loved so much."

Rachel gives him a small, sad smile. She thinks, '_Maybe there's some hope. Maybe she grew to love me after all._'

* * *

Rachel returns to Kori and Garfield, with the food. Wally is now there with a girl and boy. Everybody's talking about the dance and they don't notice Rachel. Rachel observes the two newcomers. The girl, she has seen around school. She is short and has short, wavy strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes. She's Kole Weathers, the school's gossip. The guy is about as tall as Kori. He has long straight black hair. Rachel is amazed. She's never seen hair so "beautiful" on a guy before. As she's studying him he turns to her and smiles. Rachel blushes and returns a small smile. She's never had a guy notice her like that. Usually if someone, anyone is aware of her, Rachel is end up being tormented.

Kori says, "Oh, Rachel, you are back. I did not see you. We are talking about the exciting news about the dance. You know everyone here, right?" Before Rachel can say anything Kori introduces everyone. This annoys Rachel. Kori acts like Rachel is "the new girl in school". Rachel rolls her eyes. Just because Rachel didn't have any friends doesn't mean she doesn't know anyone. Although, Rachel didn't know Garth Atwater, captain of the swim team.

Garth smiles at Rachel. "I don't think I've seen around before. Have you always gone to Jump City High?"

Rachel feels her face turning pink. "Yea, I guess I'm, um, I'm quiet. Most people don't notice me."

Garth says, "Then we must not have any classes together, because I would've noticed you."

Rachel feels her blush intensify. She attributes the fact that Garth is paying attention to her, to her clothes. Her style hasn't really changed that much. She still wears mostly dark colors and long sleeves. Her clothes are a little more form fitting. She shows she has something of figure.

A girl comes up to the group in a bad mood. Wally says, "Hey, Jinni, thought you weren't coming. Thought you couldn't make it; had other plans. What changed? I know, you couldn't stay away from me?" He flashes a large grin.

The girl with brown hair rolls her angry hazel eyes. "I just came over to say hi. I had to come so we could have some 'family time'. Like that's gonna work." She glares over to two adults having a heated discussion

Wally drapes his arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry Jinni. Why don't ya stay with us? We'll all probably go get something to eat after the game. Come with us. It'll give you a break from all _that_."

Jinni gives him a mischievous smile. She tousles his hair. "Okay, I'll be back in a minute. I should tell _them_. Not that they would notice whether or not I'm there."

Jinni goes over to the arguing couple. She says, "Mom, Dad, I'm gonna be with my friends. We're gonna grab a bite after the game. I'll be home later tonight. Someone will give me a ride." This starts the couple on another argument. Jinni walks away from her parents fighting about whether or not she should be with her friends.

Going back to her friends, Jinni sighs as she sits down next to Rachel. She pretends to pull her hair out. Jinni growls, "Grrr, parents!"

Thinking of her own father, Rachel replies sarcastically, "Yea, they're such a joy."

The hazel-eyed girl finally notices Rachel. "You're new to the group, aren't you?"

"Yea, I'm Rachel Roth."

"Hey, I'm Jinni Fortune. Sometimes I go by Jinx."

Raising an eyebrow, Rachel asks, "Why 'Jinx'?"

"Well, I'm Miss Fortune-misfortune." Jinni laughs and rolls her eyes. "Plus, I kinda have bad luck following me. Don't worry. It's nothing major or serious, just simple bad luck."

Rachel and Jinni talk some while most of the others focus on the game. The subject of the dance comes up. Jinni says, "I'll probably make my dress. I usually do. What about you?"

Rachel says, "I'm not going."

Kori pipes up, "Yes, she is. We should all go. It will be so much fun." Rachel rolls her eyes, '_speak for yourself._'

During halftime, Wally and Jinni go get more snacks. While those two are gone, the others talk about Jinni and her parents. It looks like they'll be getting a divorce, but her friends aren't sure if Jinni realizes this. Not wanting to listen about faulty parents, Rachel gets up. She says, "I forgot to tell Jinni something. I'll be right back."

Going down the stairs, Rachel's not paying attention. Somebody runs into her. "Why don't you watch where you're goin' you freakin' bitch!" yells the long haired blonde. Her large blue eyes are full of fire.

Rachel's shocked, she didn't run into this girl. It was the other way around. "Who the hell do you think are? Calling me a bitch?" Rachel says angrily.

The blonde says, "_You_ ran into _me_. So I'm calling you a …" Her voice trails off when Garfield calls out to them.

"Hey, Terra, didn't think you were comin'? Do ya know Rachel?", he says.

The blonde girl, Terra, instantly transforms into a sweet natured girl. She flashes a large smile. "Gar, hey, I wasn't sure if I could make so I said I couldn't. I didn't want to disappoint y'all. Turns out I could come. I just got here. Surprise!"

Garfield laughs, "Cool, glad you're here. So, have you two met before?"

Rachel eyes Terra suspiciously. "No, we just …"

Terra quickly finishes, "We just kinda ran into each other. It's no biggie though. There's no damage." Terra has a grin on her face but her eyes flash anger at Rachel. It lasts just a second and only Rachel sees it.

Garfield says, "I came to get ya, Rachel cause the game's back on."

Terra loops her arm with his. "Oh, are we winning?"

Laughing, he says, "We are so winning. We're trouncing them."

Rachel follows them back to their friends. She doesn't know what to make of Terra. She's a pretty girl. She looks like what everyone thinks of when thinking of a typical California girl. Why would she be so hostile to Rachel when they didn't even know each other?

* * *

**Sooo? If anyone has any ideas please let me know. As I mentioned previously, I think I have a lot of S.A.M. planned out. But that doesn't mean I couldn't use some ideas. Maybe some if your ideas are better than some of mine. Right now S.A.M. is working out to be 20-25 chapters. Wow, that's longer than anything I've done. Well, actually this chapter is longer than what I've done previously. *shrugs* Okay, time to review and time for me to write chapter 7. See ya soon? =D**


	7. Chapter 7: Popular

**Songs About Me**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Titans, any form of Wicked or these lyrics.**

**Chapter 7: Popular**

* * *

"_**Popular! / You're gonna be popular! / I'll teach you the proper ploys / When you talk to boys / Little ways to flirt and flounce / I'll show you what shoes to wear / How to fix your hair / Everything that really counts to be popular! / I'll help you be popular! / You'll hang with the right cohorts / You'll be good at sports / Know the slang you've got to know / So let's start / 'cause you've got an awf'lly long way to go **__**…**__**"**_** - Popular, Wicked: the Musical**

* * *

Rachel slams her locker shut. Looking down, she sees that she has the wrong book; she sighs and jerks her locker open again.

"Pissed?" asks Jinni, coming up to Rachel.

"Always," replies Rachel, switching her book.

Leaning against the lockers Jinni asks, "So what's wrong?"

"I _have_ to go to the dance. Apparently, my councilor thinks I'm a loner, aka loser. She talked to my dad. He thinks that I don't do enough 'normal' things. So he's making me go to the dance." Rachel slams her locker shut again. "Ugh! Why can't everyone just leave me alone?"

Jinni smiles, "Oh, I get it. Your dad wants you to be a normal teenaged girl." She lists off things, "He wants you to go to dances, go on dates, have a boyfriend, have sex, …"

"What! Have sex? No, no, God, no. He's not thinking that and neither am I."

Laughing at Rachel's reaction she says, "Come on, it's not that bad. Okay, the first time is a little awkward and maybe hurts a little, but like with many things, it gets better with practice.

Rachel looks over at her new friend. She whispers, "You've had sex?"

Jinni nonchalantly shrugs her shoulders. "Yeah, so. Don't look at me like that. It's not like I'm doin' it all the time."

Rachel shakes her head, "I am definitely not ready for that." She thinks, '_I've never even kissed a guy._'

As the two girls go to their next class, Jinni says, "C'mon, give the dance a chance. It could be fun."

Rachel rolls her eyes, "About as fun as getting a root canal that I don't need."

* * *

Saturday morning, Kori drags Rachel to the mall to shop for dresses. There, they meet up with Jinni, Karen and Terra. Everyone is excitedly shopping for the dance, except Rachel. As they enthusiastically searches for the right dress, she is just standing near them, looking completely bored.

A woman with a scarf draped over her shoulders, goes up to Rachel. The woman asks, "Excuse me, could I ask you a question?" Rachel just looks at her and thinks, '_You just did. Will you go away now?'_ Since Rachel doesn't tell her no, the woman continues. "I'm with Merrill Kay Maxine Cosmetics. I'm always on the look out for new girls. Have you ever thought of being a model?"

Rachel is surprised, "Me? You want _me_ to be a model? I think you want to talk to my friends. They're pretty. They would make great models."

Ignoring Rachel's protests, the woman explains, "Well, what we do is we have girls put on our makeup. The photo shoots are basically a before and after."

"Um, I don't think so."

The woman hands Rachel her business card. "Here, don't say no just yet. Think about it. It would be a fun way to make some money. Plus here's a coupon for some of our products."

After the woman leaves, Rachel walks over to her friends. "Ohh-Kay. That was weird. I just had a lady ask me to be a model for her make-up."

Karen takes the business card Rachel is holding. She looks at it suspiciously, "She wants you to be a model? Did you accept?"

"Crazy, right?" Rachel shakes her head, "No, of course not. I am so not the model type."

Kori, Jinni and Terra gather around Karen to look at the card. The three begin to talk at the same time. "Why not, it could possibly be fun." "You might get some free product." "Free stuff? Are you crazy? You could get money and get free stuff."

Rachel crosses her arms across her chest and rolls her eyes. "Like I said I'm not the model type. All I could think about when she was talking is that it would be a disaster. I would probably be 'the before'. That, or what little makeup I do have on is doing an incredible job; she's not seeing the flaws."

Kori puts her arm around Rachel's shoulders. "Rachel, you are pretty."

Rolling her eyes and shaking her head slightly, Rachel says, "I told her she really wanted to talk to you guys. You all would be perfect."

Jinni frowns, "So, you're not gonna do it? Not gonna step out of your comfort zone and do something fun and different?"

Rachel glares at her friend. "I'm here, shopping, in the mall, for a dress, for a dance that I don't want to go to. That's about all the 'out of my comfort zone' I can handle."

"Fair enough," Jinni shrugs, "As long as you're sure."

"Oh yeah, I'm not doing that."

Terra grabs the business card. "Mind if I do it?"

"Go for it. Knock yourself out."

"Awesome! Free stuff!" Rachel rolls her eyes at Terra excitement.

"Hey, girls, it's about time for us to meet up with the guys," says Jinni. "We can continue shopping after lunch."

* * *

In the very busy food court, the girls catch up with the guys. Garfield and Vic tease Rachel about her lack of shopping bags. Vic jokes, "Aren't ya looking forward to this dance, just like every other girl?"

Rachel glares at him, "I'm looking forward to the day _after_ the dance. Then this whole ridiculous thing will be over."

After lunch, they decide to shop all together, the boys and the girls. The boys don't really have a lot more shopping to do. They are mainly there to carry packages.

After an hour or so of shopping, Karen asks, "Does everyone have everything they need?" Four of the five girls hold up their bags. Even the guys hold up a bag or two. They all turn towards Rachel, who doesn't have any bags.

Kori says, "Rachel, why do you not have any shopping bags? Did you not find anything you liked?"

Rachel explains in a bored tone, "I wasn't really looking so I couldn't find anything. Can we go now?"

After pouting for a moment, Kori says, "Then _we_ will have to find you a dress. Come on, we shall start over our adventure of shopping." Rachel and the guys groan. "It is just after 2 o'clock; this should not take too long. It will be all of us helping one person shop," explains Kori. She grabs Rachel's arm and pulls her towards a store. "Come on this will be fun." The raven-haired girl lets out a squeal of surprise then a groan. The others follow the two girls.

Inside the store, Kori says, "First, we need to figure out a style or type of dress for our dear friend."

"You really don't need to do this," mutters Rachel.

"Nonsense, this is what friends do, we help each other," says Kori. "What did you have in mind? What kind of style?"

Rachel is wondering if friendship is really worth this hassle. She rolls her eyes and finally says, "Nothing girly."

Terra gasps, "Hel-_lo! _It's a _dress,_ for a _dance_. Duh, dresses _are_ girly."

Glaring at Terra, Rachel growls, "_Fine,_ nothing _too_ girly." Terra is part of their group. Everyone, especially Garfield, likes Terra but Rachel doesn't entirely trust the blonde girl.

Away from the girls, Garfield jokes to Richard, "Can you imagine it, Rachel in a girly dress? Oh, I know, it would be light pink and white with ruffles and lace and really fluffy and, um …" When Richard stops laughing, Garfield turns to find a pair of intense blue eyes glaring at him. "Oh, hi Rachel … I was just, uh …"

"You were just what?" growls the owner of those blue eyes.

Garfield looks to Richard for help. Richard puts his hands up as if to say he is innocent. "Sorry, you're on your own." He turns and goes to join Victor with the girls.

"Du-u-ude, thanks a lot," whines Garfield. He turns back to Rachel. He smiles sheepishly. He stammers, "I, um, …I was, uh …nothing. I was doing nothing. Just standing here admiring all the pretty dresses."

"You must not want to get your license and drive," says an irritated Rachel.

Confused, Garfield says, "Yea, I do. Why?"

"If you keep this up, you won't make it to your sixteenth birthday."

They over hear the girls talking. "This just like one of my favorite shows, _What Not To Wear. _It's like we're Stacy and Clinton and we're gonna find the right outfit for the sulky fashion victim …"

Rachel grimaces. "Great, I'm some sort of experiment for them."

"You really don't want to do this, do you?" asks Garfield.

"How could you tell?" she snaps. Sighing, Rachel says, "Sorry, I just, I don't know, hate this whole thing. I don't like shopping, especially in the mall. I don't wear dresses. I don't like to show a lot of skin."

Garfield realizes he has never seen Rachel wear short sleeves or shorts. He wonders if there's a disturbing reason for that.

Rachel catches him looking at her and she guesses his thoughts. "In case you haven't noticed I'm not like everyone else. A lot of the girls at school wear practically nothing. I don't want to be anything like that. Also, I don't like getting a lot of sun exposure.

"Oh, so it's a goth thing."

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

Kori calls everyone over to her. She seems to be in charge. Cheerfully she says, "Okay, everyone, we are going to find Rachel the perfect dress. Rachel, wait here while everyone else picks out a dress or two for you to try on. Ooo, this is going to be so much fun."

Rachel stands there with her arms crossed as she watches her friends scatter. They go in all directions. Each has his or her own method. Some, mainly the guys, just seem to grab something. Others seem to be putting some thought into it.

When they return to Rachel, everyone has one or two dresses. They pile them onto Rachel's arms. They push her towards the fitting rooms, in the back of the store. "I can't see where I'm going." With the dresses piled high in her arms, Victor tries to steer her the right way. Annoyed, Rachel tells Vic, "Here, _you_ carry them." She pushes the dresses in his arms. He's surprised a few dresses could be so heavy. He is also surprised that she carried them as long as she did.

At the fitting room, Victor puts the dresses back in Rachel's arms. Once she enters a room, she drops them on the floor. She looks down at the pile of dresses. There's a wide assortment of colors, fabrics and styles. Most of the dresses are dark in color. A few are kind of bright, jewel-tones. Rachel crosses her arms. "Do I really have to do this?"

The girls cry out, "Yes!"

"Can't I just read a book about it? Or watch a movie about it? Something like, I don't know, _She's All That_ or _Carrie_?" Rachel says as she pokes the pile of dresses with her foot.

"NO!" they all call out. Outside the fitting rooms, they can practically hear Rachel rolling her eyes.

Jinni mutters to herself, "This will probably kill me." To Rachel she says, "I hate sounding like my mom, but to quote her, 'Keep that up and you're eyes will get stuck looking at your brain.' Ugh, I can't believe I just said that."

Karen sympathetically puts her arm around Jinni's shoulders . "You'll be alright. Just don't do it too often. You don't wanna make a habit of it, sounding like your parents, until you're old, like them."

"After trying on each dress, you should come out and let us see it on you."

"No way. I'm not letting you guys see me in some of these dresses." She picks up a slinky red dress that is very low cut in the back. She thinks, '_No one will ever see me in something like this._'

Rachel rifles through the dresses, some aren't too bad. She quickly tries those on. She dislikes each one. She comes out of the fitting room in her usual jeans and sweatshirt. "Sorry, nothing worked. I guess we're done shopping," says Rachel, hoping they really are finished.

Kori looks at her friend in disbelief. "None of those dresses worked? Did you try on all of them?"

Rachel shakes her head. Before anyone can say anything Rachel pulls out the slinky red dress. "Seriously? Like I'm really gonna wear something like this? I'm sorry, Kori, but face it, there's nothing for me."

Kori thinks a moment, "We will simply have to try every store in the mall if we have to. We _will_ find you a dress."

Rachel groans as they drag her to another store. The same things happen at the second, third, … and the forth store. Both Rachel and Kori are stubborn about finding a dress. As they pass the food court on the way to _another_ store, Vic says, "Can't we stop for some food? We've been shoppin' for hours."

Terra and Garfield plead at the same time, "Pleeeaassse! I need food and my feet are killin' me." They look at one another and laugh.

Terra says, "I'm wearing these wedge sandals. What's your excuse for your feet hurting?"

"I'm not used to walking around the mall _all day._ Are we ever gonna be done? Or are we gonna turn into those mall walkers? Eww," says Garfield.

"Ha-ha. We have not been here _that _long. Once Rachel finds a dress, our shopping excursion will be over," says Kori.

Richard says, "Uh, Kor, it's a little after six. If we're gonna keep shopping, we should grab a bite to eat."

Kori looks down at her watch and laughs. "I did not realize we have been here that long. My watch must have died. It says that it is only 4:35. Oh well, I will just have to buy a new one. Now that you have mentioned it, I too am hungry. Of course, we should get something to eat. Maybe some nourishment is what you need to find the right dress, Rachel."

Rachel crosses her arms and mutters under her breath, "I wouldn't count on it."

* * *

Rachel drops her tray of food down at their table. She flops into her seat. She sighs, "I need to get a job."

Vic says, "You? Doesn't your dad make a lot of money?"

Terra says, "Yeah, isn't your dad, like, super rich? He can buy you whatever you want. I mean, you have his debit card, so what's the big deal."

Karen comes up to the table. "Nothing wrong with a girl wanting some independence. It'll probably do her some good. Get her ready for collage. Terra, it certainly wouldn't hurt you to do some work." As Karen sits down, she receives a glare from Terra.

"Thanks, Karen, you're kind of right about that. I just need to have some money to buy food when I'm with you guys. We're always eating," says Rachel. She holds up the debit card and says, "_This _is to buy things like this dress. I don't want to use it too much. I don't want to 'upset' my dad."

Terra tells Rachel, "Well, you're not getting that modeling job back. You said I could have it. So, you'll just have to find something else." Rachel just rolls her eyes.

Jinni leans over the table to talk to Rachel and Karen. "Oh, isn't that so annoying? They tell you 'buy what you need, get what you want.' Then they get all bent out of shape because you spend too much. It's all 'we're not made of money' and 'we make all these sacrifices for you to be happy'. Pfft, yeah right, whatever." The whole table is quiet for a while. Everyone knows about the problems Jinni is having with her parents.

To break the silence Richard says, "Jinni, you're making your dress, right?" Jinni nods. "Then what are you buying?"

Off the subject she doesn't like and one to one she does, Jinni perks up. "Shoes, of course. I can't make those." She thinks a moment, "Well, I guess I _might_ be able to if I tried. But I'm not gonna start that when the dance is next week."

After they eat, they go back to shopping. It's just like before, Kori's trying hard to find the right dress and Rachel's rejecting all of them.

They are at the fifth or sixth store. While everyone is searching for Rachel's dress, she starts to sneak away from the fitting rooms. She's almost to the door when she hears a deep voice from behind, causing her to jump. "Where do you think you're goin'?"

Rachel turns to face Victor. "Um, going to use the bathroom?"

"Didn't we all take care of that after we ate?"

Rachel pleas to be able to leave, "Please, I don't know how many more dresses I can try on."

Vic says, "And you'd end up hurting Kori's feelings. She's being a good friend; trying to help you. You really wanna just walk out and crush 'er like that?" Rachel's shoulders drop. Vic watches her walk slowly back to the fitting rooms. She crosses her arms and leans against the wall. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," she grumbles, "Go pick something _I_ might actually wear."

Vic smiles, "I knew you'd be a good sport about it." He goes to pick out her dress as Rachel flips her hair to fall hide her face as she sulks.

* * *

They have tried just about every possible store in the mall. They walk to the last option, Sterling's. As they are walking in the store, Garfield looks up at the sign. "Hey, Karen, don't ya work here?"

"Yeah, I started working here over the summer. So?"

"Why didn't we come here first? Wouldn't that have saved us a lot of time?" asks Garfield.

Karen says, "I see these dresses all the time. I knew there wasn't the dress I wanted here. That doesn't mean that there's nothing here for Rachel."

Looking around, Rachel has a thought. "Um, Karen, are they hiring here?"

Karen nods. "Yeah, but it's for the makeup counter. They are all a lot like Kitten over there. I can't picture you there. Sorry."

Frowning, Rachel says, "It was just a thought. If anything else comes up will you let me know?"

"Sure, no problem. There are some pretty good dresses in the junior's department."

Again, everyone does what he or she has done in every other store. When Rachel gets the dress, she sifts through the pile. She puts them into piles of possible, not likely and no way. Picking up one dress she calls out, "A muumuu? Seriously? Who picked out a muumuu for me? I didn't even know those were still made." She peeks her head out the fitting room door. Nobody owns up to it. "Seriously, a muumuu?" She throws it at them. It lands on Vic's head causing everyone to laugh.

There seems to be more dresses in the possible pile than the other times. While trying on these dresses, Rachel asks again, "Do I really have to do this?" She gets the same response. "How about if I find something and just pretend to go to the dance? I could get dressed up and my dad would _think_ I'm going to the dance, but I could skip out on it. That would work out for everyone. I'd get a dress, that's for all of you. I'd go to the dance, that's for my dad and my councilor. And I'd leave after a few minutes of being there, that's for me."

"Skip the dance? Why'd you want to do that?" asks Garfield.

Rachel flatly replies, "I don't dance."

He says, "You don't have to dance at the dance. If you didn't go to the dance, what would you do?"

"I'd go to the library or maybe see a movie."

Terra says, "You're crazy. You'd skip out on the dance and go to the library? I'd do the opposite. There's no way I'd miss out on a chance to party."

Rachel groans and keeps trying on dresses. After trying on several, Karen knocks on the fitting room door. "Hey, Rachel, the store's closing in about thirty minutes. Do you have anything that you've rejected. If you could push them out here, they'll need all the time they can to put those away." Rachel shoves out most of the dresses.

Rachel looks at the few that remain. She quickly tries them on. Soon, it's narrowed down to just three dresses. Rachel's surprised, she actually like each one. Hearing that the store is closing in ten minutes, Rachel doesn't know what to do. She likes all three and she doesn't want to rush in making this decision. She bites her lip as she thinks. '_All three are on sale so it wouldn't cost too much. I could get all of them and return what I don't pick. If I got three dresses, that would surprise them. They're not really expecting me to find one._' She looks at them once more before walking out of the fitting room with them in her arms. She's right, they are surprised to see her walk to the check out counter.

Kori asks, "You liked one? Of course you did. Which one are you getting?"

Rachel doesn't let anyone see what she's getting. "I'm getting three right now, because I can't decide. I'll return what I don't pick. Nobody's gonna see it until the dance."

"You are going? You are really going to the dance?" Rachel nods her head reluctantly. Kori starts to jump up and down. "Yay! We are going to have so much fun! Tomorrow all the girls should come over to my house, we will figure out hairstyles and make up."

Rachel shakes her head, "Sorry, I can't. I'm wiped out from all this shopping. Besides, I'm not doing anything different with my hair and make up."

"You should curl your hair," says Terra, who begins to laugh at the thought of Rachel with all her long hair curled.

Rachel says flatly, "And you should shave your head. In some cultures, that's a symbol of beauty and courage." She then flashes Terra a smile. Terra stops laughing and glares at Rachel.

Garfield says, "I like your long hair, Terra, but I'd bet you'd look cute with a pixie cut." Terra flashes him a huge smile while sending daggers to Rachel.

* * *

Kori drops Rachel off at her house about 9:30. Rachel is exhausted from shopping. She doesn't know if she has ever shopped like that. Rachel cautiously enters the house. She doesn't know what Trigon's mood will be. He seems to be in a good mood. "Finally done shopping? It took you long enough."

Still holding the garment bag, Rachel says, "Um, yes we're done. Sorry, that took longer than we thought."

"You mean _you_ took a long time to find a dress. Looks like you found something."

Rachel thinks back to when she was little and shopping with her mom for dresses for Easter, birthdays and first day of school. "Sorry it I took so long, but I've never had to get a dress like this before. Yeah, I finally found something." She turns to go upstairs.

Trigon stops her. "Aren't you going to show me what you picked out?"

"You really want to see what I got?" His request surprises Rachel; he's never interested in what she gets. She opens the garment bag. She explains quickly as she spreads the dresses over the back of the sofa. "I got these because I couldn't decide. The two I don't pick, I'll return. I have two weeks to do that, but I'll know by tomorrow. So if you don't mind taking me back to the mall …"

Trigon laughs at his daughter's unease. "Okay, slow down. You have some time to decide." He looks them over. "Were these expensive?"

Rachel shakes her head. "No, all three were on sale. The total was a little over two hundred dollars."

"That much for three dresses? Hm, not bad. I think you should keep all three."

Rachel stops fiddling with her hair and looks up astonished. "What? You want me to keep all of them, but I don't need three dresses."

"Well, you never know when you'll need something. Now that you're older, you might need to attend a business diner with me. Any of these dresses would work for the dance or dinner."

Unsure about what his response will be, Rachel asks his which one he likes.

He holds up the one closest to him, he studies it. "This black, grey and white one is pretty. I like the ribbing or gathers."

Rachel corrects him, "Um, you mean the mini pleats?"

He nods, "Yeah, the pleats. I like how each layer is a different color. This dark blue is pretty with the beads around the waist. It would bring out the color of you're eyes." Rachel is amazed that she's discussing clothes, dresses with her father. He continues and picks up the last one. "This purple one with the wide straps and rhinestones under the, um bust, I like a lot. It kind of reminds me of a dress your mother wore."

Gathering the dresses, Rachel says, "Um, you're sure, you want me to keep all three of them? I don't need all of them. I could just keep two if …"

"Yes, keep them all," he snaps. "It's getting late, you should go to bed."

Rachel stops at the base of the stairs, before going to her room. "Thank you, dad."

She hangs the dresses on her closet door. She flops onto her bed. Studying them, as she falls asleep, she thinks, "What did I get myself into?"


	8. Chapter 8: What You Want

**Songs About Me**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics**

**Chapter 8: Want You Want**

* * *

_**Do what you want what you want / If you have a dream for better / Do what you what you want / Till you don't want it anymore (remember who you really are) / Do what you what you want / Your world's closing in on you now (it isn't over) / Stand and face the unknown (got to remember who you really are)**_**" - Want You Want, Evanescence**

* * *

Rachel is tired of hearing about the dance. It seems to be the subject of choice. Everyone, even some of the teachers are talking about it. Rachel tries to tune it out as much as possible, without much luck. A very small part of her is excited about the dance, but mostly, she's scared. She's scared everyone will laugh at her. She would never let anyone know any of this, so she just acts irritated.

She's still trying to decide which dress to wear. After trying each, one on multiple times, she's narrowed it down to two. Rachel really likes the black, grey and white dress but it's sleeveless. She doesn't feel comfortable wearing a sleeveless dress. She thinks about adding straps to it but doesn't think she has enough time. Rachel decides to make that decision the day of the dance. Everything else she wearing will be the same so it doesn't matter if her dress is purple or blue.

On Friday, everyone seems extremely excited and Rachel's nerves are on edge. She spends Saturday trying to settle her nerves about the dance. After pacing most of the afternoon, Trigon laughs at her. "What are you so nervous about? These kids are your friends, right? It's just a dance. There's nothing to worry about. What could go wrong?"

Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know. It starts in a few hours so I guess I'll start getting ready." As she goes upstairs, she cringes at her father's laughter following her up the stairs. She thinks, '_He just doesn't get it. How would _he _like to go somewhere wearing a dress?_' That thought makes her smile. '_Ha, dad in drag. Ugh, I gotta get that image out of my head._'

Rachel takes a long shower to try to calm her nerves. Standing in her bathrobe, Rachel stares at the dresses hanging on her closet door. It's probably the hundredth time she's studied them. '_Come on, Rachel, just pick one._' Finally deciding on a dress, Rachel slips it on. She keeps her makeup simple, eyeliner and a dab of clear lip-gloss. She runs a brush through her long dark hair and slips on black ballet flats. Rachel decides to wear the necklace her mom gave her. The necklace is a diamond-shaped amethyst, Rachel's birthstone, with three small diamonds at the top near the bale. Rachel doesn't wear the necklace often but when she does, she feels close to her mother.

After setting the clasp, Rachel studies her reflection. The dress fits perfectly. The royal blue fabric swirls around her legs, ending a few inches above her knees. The heart-shaped neckline and pleated bodice of the matching blue discreetly show off her figure. A "belt" of beads and sequins in the same shade of blue accent her waist.

Looking at her "twin" in the mirror, she barely recognizes herself. She feels oddly pretty. She's glad the bruises on her arms and legs have faded. Gone is the moody, sullen, angst-ridden, emo/goth teenaged girl she normally is. Rachel looks at the girl in the mirror. She looks pretty, not beautiful, she could never be that, but pretty. She looks like a normal girl. She looks confident, like she belongs. The girl in the mirror doesn't have a father who beats her. She's part of a loving family-a mom, dad, siblings possibly. Rachel's surprised wearing a dress could make her feel so different.

Trigon calls up the stairs, "Rach, if you're going to this dance you should get going."

Frowning, Rachel shakes her head and sighs. The spell is broken; she's not the girl in the mirror. Rachel softly sings to herself a few lines of I'm Not That Girl from Wicked, the Musical. "_Every so often we long to steal. To the land of what-might-have-been. But that doesn't soften the ache we feel. When reality sets back in." _She sighs again and nervously adjusts the straps before going down stairs.

As she goes down the stairs, she hopes her father won't make a big deal about the dance. Trigon looks up when she steps off the stairs. "Wow, look at you; you look so pretty. Where's my little girl? What happened to my little girl who used to make mud pies for the unicorns she believed were real."

"_Dad_, I'm not a little girl."

"No she's not. Trigon, your daughter has grown up. Quite nicely, I might add," says a deep male voice. The voice belongs to Slade Wilson. He works for her father. He's Trigon's right hand man. Sometimes Slade comes over to discuss work. Rachel makes a point not to be around when he comes over. She does not know why but she does not entirely trust him. He is too slick or sly or something. Most would consider him handsome and that he says all the right things. To Rachel, she just doesn't like something about him.

Seeing Slade, Rachel takes a step back. To her father she says, "What's he doing here? Tonight's the dance. I thought you were going to drop me off."

Trigon continues looking through some papers. "We have some business to attend to. We'll go in a minute."

Rachel feels uneasy. She looks over and finds Slade watching her. She doesn't like the way he's looking at her. She crosses her arms in front of her chest and moves to stand on the other side of her father. Trigon now blocks Slade's view of Rachel.

"I have to go get that file. I could drop her off at her dance if you want. That way you could keep working here," offers Slade.

Rachel looks worried for a second. She turns towards the stairs. "That's okay; I don't have to go if you're busy."

Trigon says, "Stop. You are going to this dance and I'm taking you. Slade, go get the file. We'll meet back here in about twenty minutes."

Several minutes later, Trigon is driving Rachel to her school. They're riding in silence; each lost in their own thoughts. Trigon's thinking about Rachel and Slade's reaction to each other. Rachel's worried about the dance. She's afraid everyone will laugh at her.

Trigon breaks the silence as they arrive at the school. "Will you need me to pick you up after this thing or what?"

Rachel shakes her head. "No, one of my friends will give me a ride. Um, are you sure this dress looks okay?"

Trigon nods, "Yeah, you look pretty. You kind of remind me of your mom right now." This makes Rachel smile a little.

Rachel takes a deep breathe gets out off the car and looks around. She turns back to the car to say something but her dad's car pulls away. '_Guess I can't change my mind now._'

Rachel looks around. Everyone looks so different dressed up for the dance. She wonders if it won't be as bad as she thinks it will be. She decides to find her friends. Inside the gym, she's amazed. It looks nothing like it usually does. Decorations and twinkly Christmas light are all over the gym.

The first one Rachel sees is Kori. Kori's dress is perfect for her. Her dress is pink taffeta ball gown. It is strapless and full length. The neckline is slightly asymmetrical and there are taffeta roses trailing from the highest point of the neckline at a slight angel to the waist. More taffeta roses are evenly spaced on the skirt, gathering it sweetly. It has a sweetness and innocent of a "princess" gown. Kori does look like a princess.

Richard, Vic and Gar are with Kori. They all seem to be looking for someone. Kori's the first to spot Rachel. Kori exclaims, "Ohmigosh! Rachel, look at you! Your dress is absolutely amazing. It is perfect for you.

Vic says, "Wow, spin around so we can all see."

"I don't think so. This isn't something to make a big deal about."

Richard says, "Are you kidding? This is the first time anyone has seen Rachel Roth in a dress."

Rachel rolls her eyes. Reluctant at first, she quickly and self-consciously spins around. "There, happy now?"

Kori jumps up and down, clapping her hands. "Rachel, you look exquisitely beautiful. The color definitely matches your eyes."

"Pretty, not beautiful but thank you." Rachel corrects her. "Your dress, now that's beautiful on you."

As they go to search for the rest of their friends, Gar stays back with Rachel. He leans over to her. He whispers, "You and your dress are more than pretty." Rachel rolls her eyes and blushes as she watches him walk off to join the others.

They find Karen and Terra next. Their dresses match their personalities. Karen's is a stylish knee-length dress. It's golden-yellow, chiffon with a beaded halter neckline. The asymmetrical handkerchief hem floats around her long, slim legs. Terra's dress is fun and flirty. It's yellow with a sheer layer of turquoise over it. The single strapped bodice is covered with sequins of various sizes that are turquoise, green and yellow. Sequins sprinkle down the knee-length skirt. Kole and Garth show up next. Kole's dress is a short apple green bubble dress. Wally soon joins them.

The only one left is Jinni. It's getting a little late. They wonder where she is, she's usually one of the first ones to arrive. Should someone call her? Karen pulls out her phone just as Jinni walks into the gym. They are blown away by her dress.

Jinni's dress is like nobody else's. For one thing, she made it herself. It's made from a 1950's vintage pattern. It has a hunter green halter bodice. Many layers of tulle and nylon net make up the skirt that ends just below her knees. Hand stitched on the outer layer of the skirt is a net ruffle framed by dark green ribbons that circles repeatedly on the skirt. The cups of the bodice are layered with rayon taffeta, tulle, net; and repeat the ruffle and ribbon detail from the skirt. This detail shapes and accents the bust line. She wears her brown hair with new pink streaks in a vintage "pin-up girl" up-do.

"Wow! You made that? I've made and altered a few things, but I could _never_ make anything like this," says Rachel as she studies Jinni's dress.

"It looks amazing. How'd you get the idea to make this style?" asks Karen.

Jinni laughs at her friend's reactions. They seem amazed that she made such a complicated dress. "I saw an old movie over the summer and I liked some of the dresses. I've been toying with the idea. I'd even bought the fabric. I'd made up some of it but stopped because I didn't have a reason to finish it. When I found out about the dance, I knew I had to finish. It wasn't easy, all this hand sewing. It's great, isn't it?" She twirls around. Turning to Rachel, she says, "Look at you. See, it's not so bad wearing a dress?"

Gar says, "Yeah, I'm kinda surprised to see she's really wearing a dress."

Rachel raises an eyebrow, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's just, um, you and long sleeves …sweatshirts, uh …" Gar stammers.

Vic tries to help Gar out. "I think he's trying to say the dress is a nice change for you, cuz you're always covered up or something."

Rachel crosses her arms and narrows her eyes. Irritated, she says, "You think I have something to hide because I wear long sleeves all the time? What? You think I'm a cutter or something. I've told you, I'm not like other girls."

"I don't think that's what they mean. We've just never seen your arms. That's kinda suspicious. Ya know, ya can't blame us for wondering." Wally says. Seeing Jinni's glare he quickly finishes, "But there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with being weird."

Rachel groans and turns away from them. She says mainly to herself, "_Why_ did I come to this thing? Who are they to criticize or analyze what I wear?" Kori, Jinni and Karen try to calm Rachel down.

Karen says, "I don't think they mean anything. They're just being stupid guys. They know nothing about fashion."

"Karen's right, have you _seen _some of the things they wear?" Jinni laughs.

Kori agrees, "I think some of Gar's thing could walk off on their own."

"Maybe you're right? Maybe I'm too sensitive about some things?" They hear Terra laughing. Rachel turns around to see Terra flirting with Gar. Rachel turns back around. "Ugh, I can't believe her. Look at her; she's practically hanging on him."

The three say at the same time, "Oooo, you like him."

"No, I don't!" Says Rachel, a little too quickly. "I don't like him, not …like that. We're all just friends, right? I mean, I know some of you really like some of the guys, but basically we're all friends."

"Yes, friendship is the center of our relationships. We must focus on the friendship. Why is it you got upset about Terra and Gar if you do not have feelings for him?" asks Kori.

"I _don't_ have those kinds of feelings for him. Like I said we're all just friends."

"Riiight, then why you looked like you wanted to pull her hair out?" says Jinni.

Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know, I think it has more to do with how I feel about Terra than what I feel about Gar."

Karen says, "Guess I'll go see if I can distract her."

Jinni says, "Thanks Karen. What do you mean?"

"I agree, I do not understand? I thought we all got along. Are we not all friends?"

The dark haired girl sighs, "We are friends. It's just that sometimes Terra and I don't always …see things the same way. It's nothing. I've probably imagined things. Don't worry." She sighs again, "I guess I should go apologize to the guys."

When they join their friends, Karen is talking to Terra and Kole, away from the others. Rachel goes over to Gar, Vic and Wally. She's playing with the ends of her hair, twining it around her fingers. "Um, sorry I kinda snapped at you guys. I'm new to all of this, not really used to the whole dress and dance thing."

Gar shrugs his shoulders, "Hey, it's okay; it's no problem. We probably shouldn't have said anything about it."

"No, it was my fault. You didn't really say anything wrong. Guess I'm just overly sensitive about things like that. I overreacted, sorry I snapped."

Gar repeats, "No problem, don't worry about it. Dudes and dudettes, tonight's about havin' fun. C'mon, Rae, let's dance." He tries to pull her on to the dance floor.

Rachel shakes her head, "I don't dance."

"Aww, come on, Rae," whines Gar.

"No and it's _Rachel_, not Rae, not Rach."

Gar tries, "What about Chel or Chelly?"

"No."

Gar grumbles, "Aww, you're no fun."

"Never said I was."

Terra comes up to them. She grabs Gar's arm and pulls him towards the dance floor. "C'mon, Gar, I _love_ this song. It's one of my favorites."

To Rachel Gar says, "I'll check with you later, Rae-ch-el" As they walk away he says to Terra, "Didn't you say that about that other song?"

Terra giggles as she glares over her shoulder to Rachel. "Yeah, so, can't a girl have _a lotta _favorites?"

Rachel rolls her eyes again. '_She's really getting on my nerves but maybe I should _try _to get along with her. After all, she was friends with them first. _Rachel watches her friends and everyone else dance, have fun.

* * *

Everyone decides to take a break from dancing. Some go get a snack while the others go over to Rachel.

A guy walks up to the group of friends. He drapes his arm around Rachel's shoulders. "So, who's your new friend? I don't think we've met."

Rachel slips away from him and glares at the guy with short blond hair. "Roy, leave her alone," says Jinni.

He repeats, "I don't think we've met. You must be new or not go to school here. Thought I knew all the hot girls at JCHS. I'm Roy …"

Rachel interrupts him, flatly saying, "You're Roy Harper, I know. And your goal is to score every 'hot' girl in school." She rolls her eyes, disgusted.

"So then why haven't I met you before? I'd remember a hot little thing like you."

"You do know her, she's Rachel Roth."

"Goth Roth? Hmm, could've fooled me. Never would've guessed you'd have a body like that under all those layers." Rachel lets out an exasperated sigh. He goes up to Rachel. "So, what are you doing next week?"

Vic steps between them "Leave her alone."

Roy says, "Sorry, I thought you were here with Karen. Didn't know she was here with you."

Vic says, "She's not with me. We're all here as friends."

"C'mon, Vic, what's wrong with a guy wantin' to have some fun with a pretty girl?" Roy puts his hand on Vic's shoulder. "You understand, don't you? You like pretty girls; after all, you're kinda going with Karen. I'm just lookin' for some fun. It's not like I'm gonna hurt her."

"Back off, Rachel doesn't need you messin' with her," Vic says protectively.

"Did you come here to hit on every girl or did you come with someone?" asks Richard.

Wally says, "Dude, if have a date then she not gonna be happy you're hitting on Rachel."

"Of course I'm here with someone. She went off with her friend to check their makeup or something," says Roy. He goes over to Rachel and tries to hit on her again.

She brushes him off. "You're a persistent jerk. I'm not gonna go out with you."

Irritated with have to work so hard he says, "Why, are you not allowed to date? Does daddy think his little princess is too young to be going on dates? Are you that precious to him?"

Angry that he brought up her father she pushes Roy hard enough that he takes a few steps back. "Shut up," she growls, "You don't know anything."

Her friends are surprised by Rachel's outburst. Vic asks, "Hey, Rae, are you okay?"

Crossing her arms she says, "Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine."

A female's voice says, "Of course she's 'fine'. You know like fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional."

Everyone turns to see Kitten in a raspberry pink dress. It's glittery, fitted, strapless, and ruched with an asymmetrical/diagonal double ruffled hemline. Cami is with her in red dress with a deep v-neckline and a deep plunging v-shaped back. It's floor-length with swirly ruffles at the hem.

Kitten continues, "Roy, leave her alone. You don't want to screw around with _her_, she nothing. The little freak tries to act like nothing bothers her, that she's an ice queen. But everyone knows she's just a scared little girl. She's always looking for acceptance and approval. I'm surprised you actually found someone to take you in. You know it's just because they pity you."

"Kitten, nobody here wants you spewing your venom around here. Go way."

Kitten rolls her eyes. "What_-ever_. Like anyone would _want_ to hang out with you losers." She walks off whispering to Cami.

Roy doesn't follow them. "Sorry about her, sometimes she's a little harsh. It take a while to get 'er to open up."

Kitten sees that Roy didn't follow her. "Roy!" she calls out, "Come here, _now_!"

Roy grimaces but follows the two girls.

Kole says straight-faced, "Oh yeah Kitten's a shrinking violet." Everyone else laughs.

Rachel says, "Go, dance, have fun."

Kori's concerned. "Are you sure? I want you to be having fun as well."

"I am having fun." She smiles, realizing tat she's telling the truth. "I'm having fun watching you guys dance. I also like seeing all the dresses. Trust me, tonight's turning out better than I thought it would. I could've done with out Kitten, though." Kori still looks unsure. "Richard, take Kori out there and show her a good time."

* * *

Rachel stands by and watches everyone else dancing and having fun. Sometimes a guy comes up to her, trying to get her to dance. Every time she turns them down. After a few songs, one of her friends tries to get her to join them and dance. she refuses each time they ask.. As she watches everyone, she thinks about what Kitten said. '_You're wrong, Kitten, they _are_ my friends. They don't pity me. I don't know, maybe there was a little of that in the beginning but not now. I can't stand you, Kitten, why can't you just leave me alone._' While she watches her friends having fun, she notices a guy watching her. She crosses her arms and leans against the wall. She hopes that if she looks bored, he'll go away.

After Garth, Jinni and Kori unsuccessfully try to her Rachel to join them on the dance floor; the guy walks over to her. "Why would you get dressed up and come to the dance if you're not gonna dance?"

Rachel looks over to see a guy who's maybe sixteen. He has dark brown hair and expressive warm brown eyes. She uncrosses her arms enough to indicate to herself, "_This,_ it's most likely a one time thing. "

He says, "I still don't see why'd you come to the dance if you're not gonna dance and have fun."

"You're not dancing," she points out.

"I'm new here and my mom made me come but I have been dancing, trying to make some friends. What about you? If dances aren't your thing, why'd you come?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but my dad made me come." She looks back out to the crowd.

"Looks like our parents like to micromanage our lives sometimes. By the way I'm Jason Xavier and you're …?" he says.

"I'm Rachel Roth and I already have friends, I don't need anymore." She inwardly cringes, that came out harsher than she wanted. '_This guy is cute, why am I trying to push him away. Maybe Kitten's right after all; I'm just too afraid._'

As if he's reading her mind, he smirks, "If you'd lighten up, stop being so afraid, you might be able to have some fun."

The raven-haired girl turns back to him. "Hey, I do have fun. I just don't like dances."

Seeing Rachel blush, he smiles. "Okay, so where would you want to be if you if you weren't here, at the library?"

"Yes, actually I would. I enjoy reading, there's nothing wrong with that. There are other things I like to do but I'm not gonna tell you. And I'm not afraid. If I wanted to I could go out there, I just don't want to."

Jason chuckles, he's surprised he guessed right. "Okay, if you say so, Bubbles. I'm gonna go see some of my other new friends. I'll be back later to see if you've changed your mind about dancing."

"I highly doubt it." As she watches him walk away Rachel wonders, '_Bubbles? What did he mean by that?_'

* * *

Rachel sees everyone having fun, whether they're dancing or talking. Even the chaperones seem be having fun. Rachel decides to dance. The song's not too fast. Her friends are excited to have her join them. After a few songs, a slow song starts. Everyone seems to become couples, leaving Rachel by herself on the dance floor. It's almost as if it was musical chairs and she's left out.

Every time she tries to leave the dance floor, her path is blocked. Rachel's separated from her friends. They don't know that Rachel feels trapped. As the dancing teens surround her begin to laugh; the somber-eyed girl feels the panic building in her. She was afraid something like this would happen. Rachel's struggling to keep her angry and embarrassed tears in check. She can't, _won't_ let them see her cry.

Jason notices Rachel dancing, he smiles. She's a little awkward as she shyly dances. He decides to go over and tease her about dancing. When she's separated from her friends and the music suddenly slows. She's left alone; he can almost sense her panic. Jason hears some of the comments made about Rachel. _That girl's such a freak; She's a loser; So she can dress up, doesn't mean she's not a freak; Kitten is brilliant, her plan is going just as she said it would; Aww look, the freak's gonna cry. _

Jason doesn't know who Kitten is but he decides he doesn't like her. He has only talked to Rachel a few minutes but she seemed okay, a little cold maybe. But that could be because she's shy; he doesn't know. He's curious about her. He wonders if he could get her to open up more. She got out there and danced, not that that had anything to do with him. Maybe she only went out there as some sort of challenge.

He goes up to Rachel, touches her shoulder and says, "There you are Bubbles. I've been looking for you."

She looks up at him with an expression that's a mixture of confusion and distress. "Jason? Wh-what?"

"I'm here for that dance you promised me." Jason takes one of her hands. She still looks very confused. He instructs her, "Put your hands on my shoulders, we're gonna dance." Rachel hesitantly puts her hands on Jason's shoulders. When he places his hands at her waist, she takes a step back. They are about as far apart as they can be and still be slow dancing. Jason chuckles softly, "We could probably get a little closer. It's not like this is a parochial school or something."

Rachel closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths. She takes a step closer to Jason. He feels her relax some. Without looking at him, she whispers, "Thank you."

"Why? I'm just getting the dance you promised me."

Rachel looks up at him, confused. "But I didn't ,I …"

"Guess I misunderstood. But since we're here, we might as well have fun."

Rachel glances around. Everyone is watching them and talking about them. She doesn't really like that but they have stopped laughing at her. A small smile forms on her lips. She repeats, "Thank you."

When the song ends Rachel slowly steps away from Jason. "Um, I should probably go find my friends. Thanks again for the dance."

Jason shrugs, "It was just one dance. I didn't do anything special." He turns to leave. Rachel calls out, "Hey, um, you said you were new in town?" Jason nods. "Maybe I could show you around sometime. I mean, I don't know where everything is but maybe I could help. Or maybe some of my friends could."

He chuckles, "Sure, that'd be cool. See ya around school, Bubbles."

As Rachel tells her friends about Kitten's plan and dancing with Jason, she wonders again what 'bubbles' means. Kori nearly crushes Rachel when she hears about Jason. Rachel tries to brush it off but she thinks she might like him, a little.

* * *

Rachel is going towards the stairs when Trigon calls out, "Rach?"

She cringes at that nickname. Poking her head in the study, "Yea, dad?"

"I just wanted to see how the dance went."

Rachel shrugs her shoulders, "It was okay, I guess." They just look at each other for a moment. Rachel feels like her father wants to say more. Since he doesn't say anything, she turns to leave. She stops when she hears him clear his throat. Again, they just look at each other.

Finally, Trigon begins to speak. "Um, Rach, what do you think of Slade?"

This question surprises Rachel. She knows she has to be careful answering. She doesn't want to upset her father by letting him know that Slade gives her the creeps. "Mr. Wilson? He seems, um, smart?" '_What is this about?_'

"He is, he's very smart and tough, as business partner," says Trigon. "I would want him on my side in any fight; whether that fight's in the boardroom or otherwise." Rachel wonders where this conversation is going. He continues, "I just don't trust him with my daughter. Promise me you'll never be alone with him."

Rachel is thrown off by her father's request. "Um, okay, but why do you say that?"

He retorts, "It doesn't matter why. Are you going to do what I asked?" She agrees to this before going up to bed.

As climbs into bed, Rachel thinks about the dance. '_I guess it wasn't that bad._' She blushes thinking about the attention she got, all because she was wearing a dress. Her thoughts turn to her conversation with her dad. '_Where did that come from? Did he sense how I felt with Slade here tonight? Dad's being protective. He's never really been like that before. Sure, he'd probably pull me out of the path of an oncoming car, but he doesn't give a second thought to hitting me. Why now? Was it something I've done or said? Or was it Slade? I don't know. I do know that I _do not _have a problem with wanting to avoid him. I'll never figure dad out._' Rachel falls asleep and does something she never thought she'd do, dream about the dance.


	9. Chapter 9: I'm So Sick

**Songs About Me**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans or Flyleaf**

**Chapter 9: I'm So Sick**

* * *

"_**I will break into your thoughts / With what's written on my heart / I will break, break / I'm so sick, infected with / Where I live / Let me live without this / Empty bliss, selfishness**_**"-I'm So Sick, Flyleaf**

* * *

Early Saturday, Vic has to get some groceries. As he drives by a local park, he notices Rachel sitting on a park bench under a tree. She's away from everyone else and appears to be studying.

Later that afternoon, Vic goes to the same park to play basketball. He's surprised Rachel's still here. She's in the same spot, still studying, so he doesn't bother her. After playing a few hours, he goes over to her. "Hey, Rae, whatcha doin'?" She jumps. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya. Mind if I join ya?"

Rachel picks up the pen she dropped. She shrugs, "Don't worry about it. I just wasn't expecting anybody, but sure sit if you want to."

He teases her, "Not with your boyfriend today?"

"Jason's not my boyfriend."

"Really? 'Cuz you've spent all your free time with him this week, ever since the dance."

"He's new here and we just seem to have a lot to talk about."

He laughs, "_You, _talking a lot? Sure you two aren't kissing a lot?"

Rachel glares up at her friend.

Ignoring her, Vic picks up a book as he sits down. He flips through it. "So, doin' homework?"

"No, just sort of copying some things." Vic picks up another book it's a cookbook. He gives her a curious look.

She explains, "At the library I found some books with recipes and sewing and knitting patterns that are similar to those my mom did. I don't know if they're the same but they're close to what I remember. And sometimes think my handwriting reminds me of my mom's. I know it's a crazy idea. I just thought I could …uh pretend to have something from my mom. Dumb idea, right?"

Flipping through a cookbook Vic says, "Naw, I get it. You want to be close to your mom. Sometimes I cook things mom used to make. It's almost like she's there with me." He sees the recipe she just copied. "Thanksgiving dinner? _You're_ gonna cook a turkey?"

Rachel laughs quietly, "No, of course not, but I helped mom one year. I helped her with everything for that thanksgiving; I think I was nine. I even helped her prepare the turkey. Ew, that was so gross, cleaning the turkey. I'm surprised I'm not a vegetarian like Gar. I probably would be except I don't like most vegetables."

Victor lets out a hearty laugh. "Girl, you're crazy, in a good way."

They talk some more. Flipping through the cookbooks, he shares some memories. Looking at all this food is getting Vic hungry. He has an idea. "Hey, wanna come to my house for dinner? My grandma just moved in and she'd love to meet one of my friends."

"Are you sure? I don't want to barge in on your family. Maybe you won't have enough food made up."

"Are you kidding? We probably have enough food to feed you for a week."

Rachel thinks about for a minute. She doesn't really like meeting new people, but she doesn't feel like going home yet. Trigon's in a bad mood because some business deal didn't go his way. He'll probably be working with Slade tonight. "Okay, as long as you're sure."

"Of course, there's always plenty of food in the Stone household."

Rachel raises an eyebrow, "Really, because I've seen the way you eat. If it's not nailed down you'll probably eat it."

"Ha-ha, aren't you funny. Come on, let's go."

She says, "Just a minute, I should call my dad; let him know where I'll be." She thinks, '_Not that he really cares._' She calls home telling Trigon she'll be at Victor's house for dinner.

They enter Vic's house, he calls out "Hey all, I'm back and I brought a friend for dinner." Vic's dad and grandmother come to meet Rachel. "This is my friend, Rachel Roth. She's kinda new to our group. I ran into her at the park. We got to talking about food so I asked her over. That's okay, right?"

Vic's dad, Silas says, "No problem. Your friends are always welcome. So, Rachel, a little thing like you, is into food like my son?"

Rachel says flatly, "No one could eat like Vic. He'd eat a burger the size the size of his car if given the chance."

Vic's grandmother, Gayle and dad laugh. "She's got your number, my boy," he says.

Laughing, Vic says, "I'm gonna take a quick shower. Be down in a few minutes."

Gayle says to Rachel, "Why don't you come and help me finish things."

"Okay, but I'm not very good in the kitchen."

"Well then you can keep me company."

Entering the kitchen, Rachel says something smells delicious. Gayle says, "That would be my famous bacon macaroni and cheese. It's one of Victor's favorites.

Rachel stands by and watches Gayle cook. After a while she says, "I feel like I should be doing something to help. Is there anything easy that I could do?"

She has Rachel start the salad. Then Gayle shows Rachel how to finish the biscuits. After Rachel has to push the sleeves of her wool sweater up several times, she decides to roll them up.

It's late September and the weather is still warm. Gayle notices Rachel's actions and says, "Victor said you're not like some of the other girls."

Rachel looks down at her hands. "Yeah, I guess I'm not very normal."

"Honey, nothing in life is normal except the cycle on the washing machine."

Rachel truly smiles for the first time since entering Vic's house.

Gayle smiles back and says, "So you don't do much in the kitchen?"

Rachel shrugs, "Not really." She thinks a moment. "I used to help my mom a lot. She was a good cook. I guess I didn't inherit that."

"What part of your mom did you inherit?"

After thinking a moment, "Um, I guess I would have to say my hair and eyes. They're the same color as hers was."

"You have soulful eyes. And what did you get from your dad?"

Without giving it a second thought, Rachel says, "My stubbornness."

Gayle says, "Victor told me that it's just you and your dad. That you moved here a few years ago."

Rachel smiles sadly, "Mom got sick and after she was gone we just couldn't stay there. Dad had always wanted to move to a big city. Plus the headquarters for his company is here in Jump City."

"I'm sorry about your mom. Was she sick long?"

Rachel sighs, "I was in sixth grade when she started seeing doctors. A few years later she was gone." She wonders, '_Why __am I telling her this? I don't tell __anyone__ about my family. If anyone ever asks, it's just: it's dad and me, mom's gone. No one asks anything else so I never say anything more. Why does everyone seem to care all of the sudden? Why should they care?_

Gayle gives her a hug. "I'm so sorry. It must be hard on you and your dad. I know it's been hard for Silas and Victor after they lost Elinore in the car accident."

Shrugging her shoulders Rachel says, "It's been tough at times." The two females continue cooking in silence.

Vic is about to go into the kitchen but stops when he hears his grandma ask Rachel a question. Gayle asks, "Would you like to come over here sometime, I could give you some cooking lessons?

There's silence while Rachel thinks about it. Vic's afraid she'll turn down his grandma, just as she turns down most things. Vic knows that Rachel's not like most girls. He believes her when she says she likes to be alone. But a part of him feels sorry for her. He thinks she might be lonely. If her father is anything like his dad, he probably threw himself into his work. He understands if Rachel sometimes feels ignored by her father.

He smiles when he hears Rachel say, "Guess I could come over every now and then, …if you don't mind teaching me. I don't know how good I'll be."

Vic wait's a few minute before entering the kitchen. He doesn't want Rachel to suspect he's been listening. "Hey grandma, what smells so good? Is that my favorite? If I'd known you were making this I'd have been home sooner."

Gayle nudges Rachel with her elbow, as if she's saying _told you it was his favorite_.

The two family members chat while the three set the table. Rachel stares at all the food on table. '_Vic was right. There's enough food here to feed me for at least a week._'

A part of Rachel is envious of Vic and his interaction with his family. She notices at times he and his dad are sometimes strained but for the most part, they get along. She knows she's "the quiet one" but she wishes she were comfortable enough to be open with others.

She's thinking about this when Silas interrupts her thoughts, "So Rachel, what are you going to make for your first cooking lesson?"

"How did you know?"

"Mom likes to cook and she's always giving lessons. You'd think she had her own show, the way she gave lesson when I was a kid," says Silas. "What are you going to make?"

"I don't know," Rachel turns to Gayle, "what should I make?"

"Well, is there anything you've been want to make?" Rachel shakes her head. "I can cook or bake just about anything. If I don't know how, then we have plenty of cookbooks."

Vic asks Rachel, "What about a favorite dessert?" He then asks his grandma, "Do I get sample the things you girls make?"

"Brownies?" answers Rachel, more like a question than a statement. "Are you sure you want to eat anything I make? I don't want to be accused of poisoning you."

Everyone is enjoying dinner when someone knocks on the door. It's more like pounding instead of knocking. Trigon yells, "Rachel, get out here!"

Everyone looks around the table. Rachel's shoulders drop, she thinks, '_Great. It's dad._'

Trigon keeps pounding on the door. "Rachel Tara Roth, get out here _now_!"

As they go to the door, Rachel apologizes. "Sorry, that's my dad. I guess there must be something urgent."

Silas and Vic cautiously open the door. They find a very angry Trigon on the other side of the door. "Where is she?" he growls.

Rachel steps up to the door, "Dad? What is wro …?"

Trigon grabs Rachel's arm and pulls her away from Vic and the others. He snarls, "We're going home, now."

Vic stands in front of them, blocking their way to the car hastily parked in the driveway. "She's not going anywhere with you. Not while you're acting like this."

Trigon shoves Vic aside.

Vic growls, "You did not just push me?" He gets in Trigon's face ready to fight. The teen is nearly as tall as the angry father is. However, Vic is a little more muscular due to football.

"Vic! Victor! _Stop_!" Rachel steps between two fuming males. She tries to push Vic away from her father. "Vic, it's alright. Thank you for being concerned but I'll be okay. He's just angry. He's not gonna hurt me." She hopes that she's not lying.

Trigon glares at everyone before he tells Rachel, "I'm going to the car, you have one minute."

Vic looks down at her. "Are you sure you'll be okay? You shouldn't have to go with him if you're afraid."

"It's okay. He's angry but he won't hurt me," Rachel repeats. "Thank your grandmother again for the cooking lesson. Thanks for having me over." Trigon calls for her. She calls back that she'll be there in a minute. To Vic she says, "I'm sorry he messed things up. I'll see you at school."

Rachel hurries to the car. Vic and his family watch with concern as Trigon speeds out of the driveway.

Rachel is angry and embarrassed. "_What_ was that about?"

"I didn't know you were having dinner _there_."

"I told you I was going to be at Vic's house. You said it was okay. So what's this all about?" Her voice trails off as she gets an idea about why he's upset. "Is this because Vic's black?"

Trigon growls, "I don't want you getting 'involved' with one of _them_."

Her father's reaction shocks Rachel. "I'm not 'involved' with him. Vic and I are just friends. All of us in the group are just friends. I think Vic looks at Kori and me as his sisters."

They continue to argue about Rachel's friends and the possibility of her having boyfriends.

Rachel says, "Nothing's gonna happen. I'm not gonna …_Dad! Look out!_"

Trigon swerves to avoid hitting something in the middle of the street. To keep from hitting a tree, he slams on the breaks. The car jolts to a stop. The two are sent forward.

Trigon slowly sits up. He turns off the car. He looks over to Rachel who is carefully drawing back from the dashboard. "Are you okay?" She's trying to calm down her panicked breathing. He's seen her scared expression before. He's seen his daughter struggle to suppress her fears many times.

"What happened?" her voice wavers.

"What the hell was that thing back there?" He thinks Rachel still looks shaken. Trigon asks her again, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I, I think so. How about you, are you okay?"

Trigon nods, "Yeah, I think I'm going to have a bruise but I'll be al right." He's been studying his daughter. He turns her head to the side. She has a cut on her forehead. "You have a small cut; it's more like a scratch. You'll be fine. I'm going out to check on the car."

Pain shoots up Rachel's left arm, causing her to wince. She looks down to see what's wrong.

Trigon's finished checking out the car. Everything seems all right. He hears the panic in his daughter's voice when she calls for him. He looks in on her. Rachel's gently cradling her wrist that is swelling and turning black and blue.

Rachel murmurs, "I think it's broken."

Trigon reaches for her arm, "Let me see." When he touches it, she whimpers in pain. "Damn, we'll have to go to the hospital."

Rachel's trying to suppress a wave of nausea that's come over her. She whispers, "Sorry."

Trigon groans. Everything about this night is irritating him. On the way to the hospital he tells her, "We have to get your wrist checked out, but don't tell them anything."

Rachel has her eyes closed. She's trying to stay calm. "I _know that._ You swerved to avoid hitting something in the middle of the road. Any other injuries I have are because I'm a klutz. You have _nothing_ to do with it."

"Good girl."

He helps her into the hospital. "Let me do the talking."

Rachel's surprised to hear her father sound so concerned. She thinks, '_It's all an act. He doesn't care._'

Sitting in the waiting room, Rachel begins to shiver; she's going into shock. Rachel's pallid complexion truly does concern Trigon. Even after beatings, he has never seen her as pale as this.

In the exam room, the nurse needs to cut the sleeve of Rachel's sweater so she can examine her wrist. Rachel refuses, "No, this is my mom's sweater."

The nurse says, "Sweetie, honey, you're mom will understand. She won't be mad at you. She …"

Rachel whines, "No. She made this sweater; it was hers. She can never make another. She's gone, I don't have her anymore."

The nurse tries again. "I'll be careful. I'll cut it along the seam so you can sew it back up. We need to get your wrist free."

"No!" Pain and determination cover Rachel's face. "I'll take it off myself." Before anyone can say or do anything, Rachel begins to slide her sleeve over her wrist that's now swollen to twice the normal size.

* * *

Trigon has to help Rachel out of the car. With one arm around her waist and the other one at her uninjured arm, he guides her up the front stairs. He's careful not to touch her cast. Rachel's a little unsteady. He asks her, "Sure you're all right? You were very quiet in the car, quieter than usual."

Rachel murmurs, "I'm …tired. The painkillers make me …feel like I'm in a …haze."

He leans her against the house while he unlocks the door. After opening the door, he turns in time to see his daughter slump down along the wall. He rushes over to her. He catches her before she falls over onto her newly cast arm. "Rachel?"

"I'm …okay." Rachel's eyes flutter open a few times before closing again.

He cautiously gathers his daughter into his arms. Taking care to protect her injured wrist, he picks her up. It surprises him how small she seems. It's been years since he's had to carry her to bed because she fell asleep. Trigon carries her into the house and carefully lays Rachel on the sofa.

"Rach, Rachel, wake up," he says trying to get her to come around.

She struggles to open her eyes. "So …sleepy." She starts to close her eyes again.

Clutching her shoulders, he gives her a slight shake. "Rachel, come on, wake up." Her eyes open slightly. "Rachel, does your head hurt?" He's worried about her having a concussion.

"No …not …hurts. Just …so …so …tired. Please…sleep."

Trigon drapes a throw over her, "Okay, rest for awhile."

Rachel falls asleep as her father calls the doctor. The doctor reassures him that she's fine as long as her breathing is steady. He just needs to check on her throughout the night.

After a while, Trigon checks on her. She's just sleeping; she's all right. While watching his daughter sleep he thinks of his wife, '_Angela, I didn't realize I was so scared tonight. Rachel was so pale and in so much pain. I've never seen her like that._'

He gets up and walks around the room. He stops to look at all the new phone numbers next to the phone. He groans, '_It looks like our little girl is growing up. She's getting interested in boys. I don't know what to do. I wish you were here, Angela. You were always so good with her. She's a lot like you. Not only in looks, she's also overly sensitive about things. She's getting to be a handful. Sometimes I have to…_' he sighs, '_I don't know what to do with her._'

* * *

Rachel begins to wake up. She can tell she's not in her room. Opening her eyes, she sees that she's in the family room. The whole house is dark except for the moonlight shining through the family room windows.

Shifting, she feels the weight of the cast on her arm. She groans, remembering that she broke her wrist. Hearing a noise, she looks to the chair next to the sofa. Rachel blinks a few times to make sure she's seeing things clearly. She is; her father's asleep in the chair.

She wonders why he would be sleeping in the chair. '_It's not like he cares, or does he. I've never been hurt bad enough to go to the hospital. Maybe he got scared into caring about me._' Rachel shifts around trying to find a comfortable position. As she falls asleep she thinks, '_Wonder how long this will last?_'

Rachel wakes up to the sound and smell of bacon frying on the stove. It's morning but she has no idea what time it is. She tries to push the throw aside but she's tangled in it.

Hearing his daughter waking up Trigon goes over to see how she is. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, I guess. I still feel a little tired but not bad. I wish I didn't have _this_," she holds up her wrist with the cast, "I can't do anything with it on."

Trigon helps her get untangled. "It's a little before ten. Want something to eat? I've made up some bacon and I can have pancakes done in no time."

Rachel winces some as she shrugs her shoulders. She goes to the kitchen table. "You mean I slept more than twelve hours?"

Placing a plate of bacon on the table Trigon says, "Well, I guess you needed your rest to start healing. Besides you said the painkillers made you exhausted."

Not remembering anything after getting to the hospital Rachel asks, "Did I, um say anything else?

"No," he sits down with a stack of pancakes, "you just refused to let the nurse take off your sweater. You insisted on taking it off yourself because it belonged to Angela. When'd you start wearing her stuff?"

Rachel takes a deep breath, hoping she won't get in trouble. "I found some of mom's things in the closet in the guest room. I found them over the summer. I didn't think you'd mind so I didn't ask. I'm sorry, but they help me feel close to her."

"No. that's fine. I just never noticed you wearing her things. Guess that explains why things looked big on you; Angela was taller than you."

They eat in silence for a while. Trigon asks, "Did you sleep all right on the sofa?"

Rachel nods, "Why was I sleeping on the sofa anyway?"

"The doctor wanted me to keep an eye on you."

"Oh," she simply says. '_He only did it because the doctor told him to._'

Trigon begins clearing off the table. "You could have had a concussion. I was very worried about you. I didn't want anything like what happened to Angela happening to you."

"Oh," Rachel repeats dumbly. '_He was …worried?_'

* * *

Rachel is struggling to switch her books at lunchtime. She's having trouble getting the books on the top shelf of her locker while being careful of her wrist.

Vic comes up to her, "Hey Rae, I brought the things you left at my house. Did your dad finally calm down? What was his problem anyway? I wanted to call you last night but my dad told me to wait." When he sees her cast concern then anger crosses his features. "What happened to you? Did your dad do that to you? I'll kick his ass if he did."

Rachel has to wave her good arm in front of him to get his attention and stop his raving. "Vic! No, my dad didn't to this. We were in a car accident. Seriously, you're gonna beat up my dad?"

"If I find out he did this to you, I will. What kind a guy hurts his daughter like that?"

The two go through the cafeteria doors looking for their friends. In a harsh whisper, Rachel says, "Victor! He didn't touch me. This was an accident." Vic still looks a little suspicious but lets up some when the find the others.

Gar cries out, "Dude, what happened to you?"

"Her dad did this to her," Vic scowls. The others are shocked.

Rachel glares at Vic, "_No_, he had nothing to do with it. We were in a _car accident_. Something was in the street. He swerved and this happened."

"Oh, how scary," says Kori full of concern. "What was in the road? I hope it was not a kid or a puppy."

"Don't know. We just saw something but we don't know what it was. It was gone by the time my dad got out of the car."

Getting excided, Gar says, "Dude, bet ya it was a zombie or an alien. Ooo could've been a vampire."

Gar receives a glare from each of them. Rachel says flatly, "You are so messed up."

Richard asks, "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday, early in the evening. It was still daylight so it wasn't a _vampire_."

"Hold on, dude, if it happened yesterday, why didn't I see your cast this morning in class?"

Rachel pokes at her food. "Uh, you were late to class."

"Oh yea, that's right, I was talking to Terra." Rachel rolls her eyes at the mention of Terra.

"I have an idea," says Kori. They could practically see the light bulb form over Kori's head. "I will take notes for you in history. Everyone who has the same classes should do the same."

"Thanks, Kori, but it's my left wrist that's broken. I'm right-handed so I can still write."

Kori shrugs, "I will still take careful notes in case you need them. I think we should do anything to help our friend in her time of need."

* * *

Jason meets Rachel under the same tree on the edge of school property. It's where he met her all last week. Of course, he finds her reading. He's surprised to see she's wearing a cast. "Hey, what happened to you?"

She groans, she's tired of explaining what happened. "Knew I should've made a sign to give details about _this._" Jason raises an eyebrow. "Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. I just think I've had to explain the cast at least a million times." A small smile crosses her lips, "But I don't mind telling the story once more." Her smile fades, "I was in a car accident. My dad was driving and swerved to miss hitting something."

"Oh my god, was anyone else hurt?"

"My dad got a few bruises but I got the worst of it." She frowns, '_As usual._'

"That doesn't explain these." Jason picks up one of Rachel's long braids. He waves in front of her face.

"These are Kori's idea. With only one hand to use, I had trouble keeping my hair out of the way. She came up with this _brilliant_ idea. I don't mind wearing my hair in a single braid, occasionally. But two braids, ugh, I know she was trying to help. But they make me feel like I'm a little girl."

"Well, I think they're cute."

"Really? Then maybe we need to get you a wig so you can have braids. You'd look absolutely adorable." He laughs. They start to think up different wig and color combinations for their friends. Before long, they are laughing uncontrollably. Rachel doesn't know the last time she has laughed like that. She's laughed some with her new friends but not like this. Not the type of laugh that makes your sides hurt and tears form in your eyes.

They begin to settle down after their hysterical laughing fit. Jason looks at Rachel. Her cheeks are slightly pink from laughing so hard. He thinks she looks pretty with some color on her cheeks.

He says, "You have a leaf in your hair; it must've fallen from the tree." Rachel's trying to find it. "Here, I'll help you."

Jason reaches up to pick the leaf out of her hair. Their fingers touch. They freeze. They gaze into each other's eyes. He leans closer to her. Jason's so close, Rachel's sure he can hear her heart beating wildly. As he leans in even closer, she holds her breath. They close their eyes. For a few seconds his lips gently caress hers. They pull apart. She blinks several times. '_My first …kiss. I can't believe he kissed ME._'

Jason holds up the leaf that was in her hair. Rachel takes it from him. She whispers thank you. She's definitely blushing now.

She leans over to Jason. After hesitating a second, she returns the kiss. They kiss a little longer this time. When they break away, Rachel's face is beet-red. They are both smiling.

"Did you wanna get a coffee or something?" asks Jason.

Rachel nods, "Okay, sure." Holding hands, they walk to small, neighborhood diner.

They choose a booth away from everyone else. Sitting opposite of one another, they gaze at the other one. They reach across the table. Their fingers are almost touching when the waitress appears at their table. Rachel shyly pulls her hand away from his.

Jason looks up at the waitress. "Oh hi, mom. This is Rachel Roth."

His mother smiles, "So this is _the _Rachel? It's nice to meet the girl my son hasn't stopped talking about all week."

Jason groans, "_Mooom!_"

Rachel blushes and smiles. She likes the idea that he has been thinking of her like she has been thinking of him.

Jason interrupts her thoughts. "This is my mom, Deborah." His mom wrinkles her nose.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Xavier."

"Naw, call me Debbie. So, what'll you two have?"

Jason orders a mochaccino. Rachel asks, "Do you have herbal tea?" Debbie nods. "Peppermint?"

"We have spearmint."

Rachel smiles, "Okay, I'll have a spearmint herbal tea."

While they wait for their drink, they talk about school that day. Rachel hate that she broke her wrist but now she has a legitimate reason not to participate in P.E. She now gets to work in the library, so she's happy.

When Debbie brings their order she also brings a plate of homemade cookies.

"Mom, you didn't need to do that."

"I know, I just thought you two might like a snack."

They continue to talk. Every time they reach for a cookie their finger touch. Each time Rachel blushes. She wears a small smile on her lips. Although she has a broken wrist, this is the happiest she has been in a long time.


	10. Chapter 10: The Only Exception

**Songs About Me**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Titans or Paramore or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 10: The Only Exception**

* * *

**"**_**And I've always lived like this / Keeping a comfortable, distance / And up until now / I had sworn to myself that I'm content / With loneliness**_**"-The Only Exception, Paramore**

* * *

At their lunch table, everyone is talking. Rachel just listens as usual. She usually doesn't say much except to insert an occasional sarcastic comment. Sometimes she reads or listens to music. The fact that it irritates some of her friends like Terra is just a bonus.

While reading Rachel feels like someone is watching her. She looks up, scans the cafeteria, and finds his brown eyes. A small smile and slight blush creep onto her face. When he leaves, she looks back down at her book and smiles. '_He snuck out of class to see me?_'

Rachel doesn't realize Kori saw their interaction across the crowded room. Rachel tries to go back to reading but she keeps thinking about Jason. Again, Rachel feels like she's being watched. When she looks up, Rachel sees Kori's wearing a large grin and looking at her. Kori is giddy and almost dancing in her seat. Rachel creases her brow, "What?"

Kori just giggles and says, "Oh nothing."

When Kori keeps (unsuccessfully) trying to stifle her giggles, Rachel slams her book shut. She glares at the giggling redhead. "What? What's so funny?"

"Sorry." Kori tries to suppress her smile but her eyes still twinkle with excitement. "Um, Rachel would come with me to the hall? I want to talk with you."

Rachel looks at the others at the table wondering if they know why Kori's acting stranger than normal. Everyone's talking and not paying attention to them. Sighing, Rachel says, "Fine. If it'll stop this laughing fit you're having."

Kori claps her hands. "Wonderful. Everybody, Rachel and I will be right back. We have to …go use the bathroom."

The two girls go to the restroom across from the cafeteria. Kori brushes her hair while she waits for a girl to leave. She checks to make sure they're alone. Rachel leans against a sink with her arms crossed. "Okay, Kori what's this all about?"

"You like him do you not?"

"What? Who?" Rachel's taken aback. How could Kori know? Does anyone else know?

"Jason Xavier, the new guy, the guy you danced with. You like one another, am I not right?"

Wide-eyed Rachel asks what she's been wondering, "How did you know?"

Kori claps and jumps up and down. "This is glorious. You two will be a very cute couple."

The raven-haired girl puts up her hand to stop her animated friend. "Wait, Kori stop, calm down. How do you know we like each other?"

On her fingers Kori checks off her evidence, "One, you danced with him when you would not dance with any of your friends."

"That's not true. Towards the end I came out and danced with you guys."

Kori continues, "Two, you have been spending a lot of time after school with him."

"He's new here and I'm just showing him around." Rachel realizes how lame it sounds as soon as the words leave her mouth.

Kori knows she's right. "Three, I saw the look you gave each other a little while ago."

"You saw that?" Rachel's worried, "Do you think the others saw it too?"

"No, they did not see anything. So it is true. You like Jason?"

Rachel wonders if she should lie to her jubilant friend. She doesn't want Kori going crazy about this and telling everyone. Even though this is all new to her, she wants to share her newfound happiness. With a small smile she says, "Yeah, I think I like him."

"Marvelous!" Kori spins around with her hands clasped in front of her. "He is your boyfriend, right? Oh, I know, if Richard ever asks me out on a _real _date we can go on a double date. Will not that be the most fun?"

"We haven't gone on an official date yet but we have, um …we've kissed."

"Oh how spectacular!" Kori grabs Rachel into a tight embrace.

"Uh, Kori …let go …air …need …" Rachel tries to push away the ecstatic girl.

With a sheepish grin, Kori apologizes, "Oh sorry, I am just so happy for you. Oooh you are like that Taylor Swift song, 'Mine'_. _You are the guarded girl until you meet _the _guy." Kori gasps and whispers, "I wonder if he is the one?"

"'The one' what?"

Kori wraps her arm around Rachel's shoulders. "You know the one you are destined to be with, your soul mate."

Rachel pulls away. "I'm almost sixteen. I highly doubt I'd find my soul mate in high school."

"My parents met in high school." Kori is noticeably sadder. "They were each others first love."

Rachel feels bad for Kori. Her friend's excitement is too much for Rachel but she doesn't want her friend sad. "I possibly have a boyfriend so stranger things have happened." Kori cheers up some.

As they go back to the cafeteria, Kori gets an idea, "You should come over to my house. We could share in girl talk."

* * *

Rachel is running late for her next class because she had to get her history paper from her locker. Deciding to take a shortcut, she goes down a different hallway. This hallway only consists of lockers no classrooms. It's a rather short hallway but Rachel tries to avoid it whenever possible. She's had more than a few run-ins with Kitten and her friends in this hallway.

Starting down the corridor, Rachel spots Kitten making out with football player Fagen, also known as Fang do to his fascination with spiders and snakes. Rachel hopes she can get by them unnoticed. She's just passing them when Fang puts his foot out, tripping Rachel. Kitten and Fang laugh as Rachel's books scatter on the floor.

Rachel groans, "What do you want Kitten? I have to get to class." She kneels down to pick up her books.

Seeing a teacher come around the corner, Kitten flashes a smile and picks up a book. "I see you've got a boyfriend." The teacher passes by them and Kitten drops the smile and the book. "Aren't you so special?"

"He's not my boyfriend, not that it's any of your business. Why do you care anyway? Aren't you with Fang right now?"

Kitten huffs, "Yeah, so. I'm with Fang but that doesn't mean I won't need another boyfriend. How'd you do it anyway? How'd you get the new guy to notice you? What did you do?"

"I don't even know what you're talking about. Move out of the way, I need to get to class." Rachel tries again to step around them but they block her.

"I don't get it." Kitten paces in front of Rachel and repeats, "How'd _you_ get the hot new guy to pay attention to you. Sure, the night of the dance you looked almost …human; not like some freak."

Rachel grumbles, "Gee, thanks."

Fang gives Rachel a slight shove. "Shut up while she's talkin'."

Purring thanks in Fang's ear, Kitten turns her attention back to Rachel. "Okay so you looked 'normal' at the dance but that doesn't explain things now. Shouldn't he see you as a loser? I mean look at you. It's not like you're pretty. You have that unattractive pale, pasty skin. Your hair just hangs there; it's so straight, almost stringy. Don't get me started on your hideous clothes. You have _no _sense of style but what else would you expect from a loser like you? I just don't see what he sees in you. You're _never_ even close to being happy, who'd want to be around that?"

Rachel rolls her indigo eyes. "I don't have time for this."

When she tries to leave, Fang shoves her hard against the lockers. "Kitten asked you a question. She's not done with you."

Rachel glares up at him. "Ooh, aren't you tough? Picking on a girl, especially a girl in a cast. Talk about real losers."

While holding Rachel against the locker Fang turns to Kitten. "Want me to make her shut up?"

Kitten takes one of Rachel's notebooks. She goes over to the trashcan and drops it in. In a bored tone Kitten says, "Naw, I've wasted enough time with this loser." They leave Rachel alone in the empty hall.

Rachel reaches into the trashcan, trying to get her notebook. It's just out of her reach. Her cast doesn't make it any easier; it keeps getting in the way. She tries tipping the can some but it's no use. The notebook gets closer to her but never close enough. Rachel checks the clock; she's late for class. She considers leaving the notebook and coming back for it later. She can't do that. She realizes the notebook in the trashcan has her history paper in it.

Frustrated, Rachel kicks the can. Noisily, it clatters onto its side. Red faced, Rachel looks around. No one seems to have heard that. She reaches in and grabs her notebook, pulling out trash in the process. Most of it is just papers but it still made a mess. She shoves the trash back in and with some effort she gets the can upright.

Rachel runs into class very late. Everyone turns to the door as she enters. "Sorry, I forgot my paper in my locker. I had to get it."

Mrs. McKee looks at Rachel suspiciously, "It took you over twenty minutes to get your paper from your locker? Your locker is in this building isn't it?" The class laughs until Mrs. McKee turns around. "Enough. Return to taking your test." She turns her attention back to Rachel. "Miss Roth, you expect me to believe it took that long to retrieve your paper. It seems to me, you weren't finished and took some extra time to finish it."

"No, it was done, I just forgot it."

Kori raises her hand, "Excuse me, Mrs. McKee?"

"Yes, Miss Anders?"

"Um, Rachel had her paper done. I saw it yesterday. We proofread each others paper."

"Thank you, Miss Anders. Everybody continue with your test. Miss Roth, we'll discuss this in the hall." Rachel resists the urge to sigh and roll her eyes as she follows her teacher into the hall.

"Care to explain what really happened." Mrs. McKee, as well as most of the facility, is aware of the rumors that Rachel has had trouble with bullying.

Rachel's never told any adult about Kitten and the others and she's not going to do it now. "It's like I said, I forgot my paper." Sensing that her teacher's not going to let it drop so she tells an altered version of what happened. "Somebody bumped into me and I dropped the notebook it was in in a trashcan. It took me awhile to get it out."

"Somebody just bumped into you, that's all?" Rachel nods. "Did you see you it was?" Rachel shakes her head. "Why didn't you find somebody to help you?"

Rachel just shrugs, "I dunno, I didn't wanna bother anyone."

The older woman sighs, "Okay, hand me your paper. You're too late to take the test, so your grade will have to be lowered."

"Mrs. McKee," Rachel protests, "I'm just a little late. I can still take the test I'll be quick. Please don't lower my grade."

"This test is a significant part of your grade. If you had been absent today, I would be able to give you a make up test."

"I could stay late and take it. Please Mrs. McKee, I can't get bad grade; I can't make my dad upset." She's never brought home bad grades, unless you count P.E., which she doesn't. She's afraid of what Trigon would do if she did.

Thinking she detects some panic in her student's eyes she says, "Okay, if you can stay after school then you can take a make up test."

Rachel almost smiles, "Thank you." For the first time, she's relieved to take a test.

"Wait out here until class is done, then you can take the test."

After her teacher returns to the classroom, Rachel sits on the floor. She has about a half hour before class is finished. She tries to study and ignore her itching wrist under the cast. She's startled when the bell rings.

Kori's the first one out of class she helps Rachel up. "What really happened before you got to class?"

Rachel shakes her head, "I'll tell you later." '_Maybe._'

"Do you wish for us to wait for you?" Mrs. McKee calls for Rachel.

"No, it's okay. You guys go; I don't know how long I'll be."

"Okay, you can call me when you get home. There is much we can talk about. Good luck on the test." Kori waves good-bye as she walks down the hall into the crowd of students.

* * *

After taking her make up test, Rachel is sitting on the steps of the school. She tries not to let it bother her but Kitten's words keep creeping into her mind. She knows Kitten was just trying to make trouble; her words weren't true. But Kitten had said some of Rachel's doubts aloud. Now Rachel is trying to reason her doubt away.

Richard's just finished practice and heads for his truck. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees someone sitting at the front of the school. He looks over and sees it's Rachel. He decides to go over and see if she needs a ride. "Hey Rachel, need a ride?"

He startles her, "Oh, hi Richard. Thanks but no, I'm just waiting for the city bus because I didn't feel like walking."

"You sure? I've got my truck so it's no problem. I just got done with practice. Why are you here so late?"

Shifting her backpack Rachel says, "Yeah, I'm sure. I had to stay late to take a make up test. I'm fine you go ahead and go. I'm sure the bus'll be here soon."

"Okay, if you're sure. See ya tomorrow." He turns to leave.

A thought pops into her brain. "Wait. Could I ask you a question?" Richard sits down next to Rachel and nods. It takes a moment but she continues. "Why would a guy like a girl?"

Richard's surprised by her question. "Um, I guess it's probably kinda the same reasons why a girl likes a guy."

Rachel thinks for a second. "You like Kori, right? Well why, why do you like her?"

Richard starts to turn red. He stammers, "Um, uh yeah, I uh guess I kinda like her. How'd you know?"

Rachel raises an eyebrow. "Come on, you two are pretty obvious. You're always sitting or standing next to each other. You two light up when the other one enters the room."

"I didn't know we were so obvious."

Rachel laughs quietly. "So why do you like her? How did you know?"

He shrugs, "I dunno, Kori's pretty and outgoing."

"So a girl should be pretty for a guy to like her? That kinda limits my chances."

Richard says sternly, "Rachel, you are pretty. You shouldn't put yourself down so much."

"Okay, fine, whatever." She waves her hand as if to drop that subject. "We're not talking about me. We're talking about you and Kori. There are tons of girls who are pretty and outgoing, why Kori?"

Richard repeats, "I dunno. That's part of it, I guess. I also like her excitement, her enthusiasm for life." He sighs, "We both went though a hard time at different times of our life. Losing both your parents is very hard on a kid."

He studies his hands as he speaks. "You could be like me and hate God, the world, life, everything. But seeing my parent killed put a lot of hate inside me. It wasn't healthy. It ate away at me.

"Whoa. I, I didn't know all that. I'm sorry; I hope you didn't think I was pushing you to share that."

Richard shakes his head. "Kori went through the same type of thing but didn't let the darkness consume her. I'm not saying she's not sad or angry about what happened. She told me once she was very angry after her parents died. But she realized that her parents wouldn't want that for her. She decided to live her life for her parents. That's when she became her cheerful self again." He stops and studies the sky for a few minutes. "It's because of Kori, Vic and Gar that I was able to climb out of the darkness."

"So you basically like Kori because she helped you?"

"That and I like how I feel around her. I wanna be my best."

They are both silent for a few minutes. When Rachel speaks, she's fiddling with the zipper on her backpack. "Okay so that's why you like Kori but why would a guy like someone …like me?"

Richard chuckles, "You're asking why would a guy like you. Why wouldn't he? You're pretty, smart, funny …"

Rachel interrupts, "…a freak who's closed off to everyone. Why would somebody be interested in _that_?"

Even though he and the others have tried to tell Rachel she's not a freak, she doesn't seem to be hearing them. Richard tries a different approach. "You lost your mom when you were in junior high, right?" Rachel nods. She wonders where this is leading. "Kids at that age can sometimes be cruel. Maybe they sensed you were different so they lashed out on you. To protect yourself you threw up walls. When you moved here, you still had those walls up. Here, people like Kitten saw that and decided to torment you. They thought you were a freak. I suppose after hearing it enough times you started to believe them."

He takes her hand. She resists the urge to pull her hand away. "But Rachel that's far from true. Listen to me you are _not_ a freak. If anybody's a freak, I was."

"What? You? No way were you a freak. Seriously, you're one of the most popular guys in school."

Richard explains, "I put up the same types of walls and I was destructive. Good or bad, I tried to destroy it. I even hated Bruce for trying to help me."

They fall into silence. The city bus pulls up to the curb. The door opens, waiting for them. Rachel considers leaving but she doesn't think their conversation is over. She shakes her head and motions to the bus driver to move on. They watch the bus drive off without gaining any passengers.

"So this is all about you and Jason? You like him, don't you?"

Rachel turns away trying to hide the color creeping onto her face. "Yeah, I think I kinda do. I just don't know why he likes me."

"We've already gone over that. Why are you questioning it?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I just heard somebody say something."

"Is that somebody Kitten? You know not to believe anything she says. She's just being a bitch."

"I _know,_" She rolls her eyes. "Kitten like to make trouble but …" Rachel closes her eyes and let out a deep breath. "…but that doesn't mean she didn't give voice to some of my fears."

"Rachel …" He's afraid she didn't hear what he said, again.

She interrupts him, "I like how I feel around him. I'm …happy, I guess. I don't wanna mess it up. I don't wanna push him away but I'm kinda scared to let him in."

"You've let us in, we're your friends. Don't fake it, be yourself. It may sound corny but I'm sure if you listen to your heart you'll be fine."

Rachel smiles, "Thanks for that. And thank you for letting me talk."

"No problem. We don't often get to see what's going on in that dark, pretty little head of yours." He repeats, "We're your friends. Don't be afraid to speak around us." Rachel nods her head and shrugs her shoulders at the same time.

"Guess I missed my ride."

"You want one? I could give you one."

She laughs softly, "Thanks, but I think I'll walk. I have a lot to think about. Thanks again and see you tomorrow." Pulling her backpack onto her good arm, she starts down the sidewalk. She stops and turns around. "Oh, uh, Richard, just ask Kori out. She'll be over the moon."

* * *

Jason and Rachel walk over to her house after school later that week. Kori had mentioned that Rachel does some art and he wants to see it. Rachel doesn't understand why he wants to see it; she doesn't think it's that good. She offers to bring some to school to see it but he insists on going to her house to view her artwork.

When they arrive at her house, Rachel's somewhat relieved that her dad's not home. She doesn't want him to make a big deal about Jason. However, she's also nervous about having a boy in her room. Kori is the only person she's ever had in her room and it was just that one time.

Jason notices Rachel's nervousness as they enter her room and comments on it. "What's wrong, Bubbles? Afraid I'll find something embarrassing?"

"No. I just don't want my dad to find you here."

"Is your dad protective of his adorable little girl?"

Rachel says flatly, "Yeah, something like that."

Jason wraps his arms around her waist. "So it wouldn't be a good first impression if he came in and found me making out with his daughter in her room?" He kisses her sweetly.

Reluctantly Rachel breaks away from him. "Do you have a death wish?"

Jason laughs, "That bad, huh? I'd prefer to think I have a great sense of adventure." He checks out her drawings and paintings. He tells her she's good, she should enter some things in the art show but she just blows him off.

"I'm not that good. I just kinda doodle or whatever. It's just something to pass the time while my dad's working. It helps take my mind off things."

Jason wants to cheer her up. He jokes, "Bet you write in your diary about me." Rachel raises an eyebrow. With a very high-pitched, girly voice he says, "Dear diary, I just met the most dreamy guy in the world"

Rachel questions, "Dreamy?"

Jason, "Okay, how about the hottest?"

Rachel repeats, "Dreamy? When did we step into a 50's black and white sitcom?" Now Rachel uses an overly girly voice and flutters her eyelashes. "Gee golly, Sally, I just met a swell guy. He is _so _dreamy. Too bad he only has eyes for Bob."

Jason laughs, "Hey, I do not. I was only talking to that guy cuz I liked his car."

Rolling her eyes Rachel says, "Yeah, right."

"The only person I'm interested in is my Bubbles."

"I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do you call me 'Bubbles'?"

"It's for your bubbly personality."

"So you like sarcasm too? Guess it's more original than the 'sunshine' I usually get."

Jason takes her cast-free hand, "I'm not being sarcastic. I think you don't wanna get hurt so you put up barriers. It takes awhile for you to let people close to you. Most people when the first see probably think you're apathetic or aloof." He laces his fingers with hers. "When I met you, I saw a sparkle in your eyes. I knew I had to get to know you."

"That's kinda what Richard said the other day," she sighs. "For years I've worried about getting hurt, so I have trouble letting people in. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about. You're slowly letting me get close. You'll tell me your secrets whenever you're ready. I'll just enjoy being with you." He leans his forehead against hers. "I case you didn't know I like you Rachel Roth."

Rachel's frown turns to a small smile. "I like you too, Jason Xavier."

They kiss again. Rachel pulls away once more. "We should go. We've spent more time here than I planned. I don't want my dad to find you here. He'd kill me if he did."

"So your dad's overprotective of his little girl? He wouldn't do that."

"No, you're right. He'll probably kill you first then me." Jason laughs at how serious she is. Rachel thinks, '_You think I'm joking, but it's not far from the truth._'

They are starting down the stairs when Trigon comes home. Rachel freaks out a little. "Omigod! My dad's home early. I am _so_ dead if he finds you here. I can't sneak you out right now. Hurry. Go back to my room. Hurry." She pushes him into her room. She harshly whispers, "Keep the door closed and _don't_ touch anything. I'll try to distract him. If I can get him to leave …"

Jason whispers back, "I know what to do. I've had to sneak out of a girl's room a time or two." Rachel narrows her eyes and shakes her head in disbelieve.

They get Jason hidden just in time. Trigon's coming up the stairs. Rachel eyes her door before she goes to greet her father. "Hey, dad, how'd work go?"

"More of the same. It's amazing how stupid some people can be." He looks over his daughter's head to her door. "Did I hear something in your room?"

"Um, I have music on. Maybe that's what you heard? I, uh, I wanted to ask you something?" Trigon nods for her to continue. "I was wondering if I could, um get an after school job?"

"What, don't I make enough for you? I didn't think you were so selfish. The way you dress sometimes it sure doesn't look like you care about money." Rachel inwardly cringes at his comment.

"I just thought it might be a good idea for me to make my own money so I don't have to ask you for it all the time."

"Don't you baby-sit for those brats down the street sometimes? Shouldn't that be enough?"

"I'm not very good at it and their mother only picks me when she's desperate."

"Why?"

"I heard her say I was a 'creepy, Satan-worshiping goth' and that I will 'corrupt' her children."

"What does that bitch know? So, you want an after school job? Don't you have to be sixteen to get a job?"

Rachel's a little hopeful; he's at least listening to her. "I could work in the library after school. There age isn't an issue; I just have to get good grades. There's also a job at a nearby café. A friend's mom works there and she told him about an opening. With a parent's permission, a person within six months of their sixteenth birthday could work there. It would just be every other day after school and every third weekend." Rachel's kind of surprised that she's talking so much, especially with her dad and she started it. "I promise, if you let me get a job, I won't let it interfere with my grades."

He looks unsure, "I don't know. You should probably just focus on school."

"It might look good for a college," she suggests. "It might show that I'm responsible."

"I'll think about it."

"Thanks, that's all I'm asking for."

They each turn to their own rooms when a noise comes from Rachel's room. Rachel starts having a coughing fit, distracting her father from her room. "Are you all right?" he asks.

"Yes." Cough, cough "I guess I" cough "swallowed wrong." She goes into her room that is now appears empty. She checks under her bed and the closet. She can't find Jason anywhere.

The doorbell rings and Trigon answers it. He sees a dark haired teenaged boy.

The teenager says, "Hello, Mr. Roth, is Rachel home?"

"Who are you? What do you want?"

Jason's surprised by her father's largeness. "I go to school with Rachel, I'm Jason Xavier. I wanted to talk to Rachel."

Trigon sighs, "Fine, wait here, I'll get her." Trigon goes to the base of the stairs and calls his daughter down.

"What did you want?" She's still wondering about Jason.

"Someone's here to see you. He's at the front door. I'm going to get supper ready." He turns and goes to the kitchen.

Curious, Rachel goes to the front door and is surprised. "Jason? What are you doing _here_?"

"I thought I'd ask you if you wanted to go out tomorrow night."

"I'll have to ask if I can but yeah I'd like to go out." After asking Trigon for permission, she's excited about her first official date. She goes back to Jason. "Yeah, I can go. Um, how did you get _here_?"

He whispers, "I climbed out of your window and down the tree."

"That must've been the sound we heard. You need to be careful or he'll figure it out."

"Don't worry, I've never been caught and I'm not gonna start now."

Rachel rolls her eyes. "Okay, so you'll pick me you here tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, tomorrow at 6:30." He starts to laugh. "I never really thought of you as a Taylor Swift fan."

"What are you talking about? You went though my CDs? I told you not to touch anything."

"I was alone in my girlfriend's room, how could I resist? "

Rachel's surprised by his words; one word in particular. '_Girlfriend? He thinks of me as his girlfriend?_'

"Bubbles, you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess I can forgive you for looking though my stuff. You didn't look though anything else did you?"

"Naw, just your CDs. I wanted to see if we like the same stuff. You have pretty much what I thought you'd have. The Taylor CD just confused me."

"Kori gave me that. But she's not too bad. She writes a lot of her songs and I can appreciate that. It's not always easy to write."

Trigon calls Rachel to dinner. She gives Jason a quick kiss before going back inside.

Throughout the evening, Rachel thinks about what Jason said. '_Girlfriend? I can't believe he thinks of me as his girlfriend. Richard's right, I shouldn't waste another thought on Kitten. I have to figure out what to wear tomorrow night. Should I call Kori? I'll probably hear her scream all the way over here. I can't believe this is happening to me. Ugh, I can't wait to get this cast off, it's driving me crazy._'


	11. Chapter 11: Not Ready to Make Nice

**Songs About Me**

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Titans, the Dixie Chicks or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 11: Not Ready to Make Nice**

* * *

"_**Forgive, sounds good / Forget, I'm not sure I could / They say time heals everything / But I'm still waiting"**_**-Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks**

* * *

Jason and Rachel enter his apartment. "Glad to have your cast off?"

She sighs, "I was sick of it being in the way and the doctor's visits. You have _**no**_ idea how hard it was to wash my hair one-handed. On more than one occasion I thought of chopping it all off." She thinks, '_Dad's been nice to me. Wonder if that'll change now that the cast is gone?_'

"Well I'm glad you didn't cut it. I like your long hair; it's super sexy." He flashes a smile and she rolls her eyes. "What'd you wanna do? Mom's not gonna be home for few hours."

Rachel shrugs, "I don't know, go to the bookstore?"

"I love watching you read but the last time we went there it took three hours. I can't do that again."

"It wasn't _that_ long."

Jason says, "No, you're right. It was more like four hours."

She throws a pillow at him. "Well then what do _you_ suggest we do if you don't like my idea?"

"We could …um …er …I dunno …" stammers Jason as he tries to think of something they could do.

Rachel picks up a magazine and sits on the sofa. "Good to see you have a long list of ideas.

Jason flops down on the sofa next Rachel and turn the TV. He flips through the channels. Nothing good is on. Rachel's slouched on the sofa, flipping through a magazine. She wonders, "How can there be a million channels and still there's nothing on?"

He looks down at Rachel. He gets an idea. "Are you ticklish?"

"No." She continues through the magazine, not noticing his mischievous grin.

Jason says, "I think everyone's a little ticklish."

"Well I'm not."

"Bet you are." He begins to tickle her. Rachel tries to block him with the magazine. Jason grabs the magazine and tosses it aside. She playfully pushes him away. He keeps tickling her. She tries to tickle him back. He grasps her wrists to stop her from tickling him. Holding Rachel's wrists, he has stopped tickling her.

They are both a little breathless from laughing. They realize that Rachel is now underneath him on the sofa. Letting go of her wrists, Jason leans down careful not to put all his weight on her. He captures her lips with his. As the kiss deepens, she runs her fingers through his hair.

He cautiously runs his hand along her body. She doesn't object, she kisses him more passionately. He caresses her body causing her to moan softly.

As he kisses her neck, she slides her hands under his shirt. Her touch causes him to moan. He loves the feel of her cool, thin fingers on his skin. He places his hand on her bare waist.

They've never gone this far, they've only kissed and touched some though clothing. He questions her, "Are you sure?"

Caught up in passion, Rachel's answers him by pulling him to her and kissing him readily.

He slides her shirt up, exposing her bra. She's thankful there are no bruises. Rachel blushes as Jason studies at her.

Again, he captures her lips eagerly. They kiss with increasing passion. He slides his hands along her bare skin, causing her shiver. When starts to slide his hand along her bra he feels her hesitate, he asks, "Wanna stop?" He watches her struggle with her emotions. He sees a mixture desire and fear in her eyes. He doesn't want to rush her. He suspects she's a virgin. Jason thinks, '_I don't want to force her into doing something she's not ready to do. God, she looks so hot laying there._'

She can't believe she's doing this. Rachel closes her eyes, '_He likes me, he wants me, God knows why, but he does. Damn it Rachel, forget emotions, stop thinking and just go with how amazing his touch feels. _' She slightly shakes her head no.

Seizing Rachel's lips in a fiery kiss, Jason slides his hands down her body. He unbuttons her jeans. He slips his hand under the waistband of her jeans. She shudders at his touch.

Rachel's breath catches in her throat. '_I'm really gonna do this? Am I really ready? I, I, we shouldn't … Oh but his touch …God it feels so good. I don't want to disappoint him; he's probably been with other girls … Wait, protection?_' As if he's reading her mind, Jason pulls a condom from his pocket.

A car door slams shut nearby. They freeze. Could his mom be home early? Hearing the keys in the door, they scramble hastily to adjust their clothes.

When Debbie enters the living room, the two are sitting on the sofa, staring at the TV. She notices their flushed faces and rumpled clothing, but she says nothing. She goes to her room to change out of her work clothes. Jason and Rachel's eyes follow her to her room.

Leaning against her bedroom door, she wonders what she would've walked in on if she were a few minutes later. She says to herself, "They're going too fast. They just started dating about a month ago. God, if he doesn't slow down I'll be a grandmother before he graduates."

When she goes back into the living room Debbie notices the two have been watching her door but they quickly turn to the TV. Debbie goes into the kitchen. She feels two pairs of eyes on her. Rachel whispers to Jason, "Do you think she knows what we were doing?" Jason just shrugs his shoulders.

Debbie calls out from the kitchen, "Jason, we're out of milk. Would you go get some?"

Entering the kitchen with Rachel he says, "I can get some later when I drop off Rachel."

"I need it for supper tonight."

Jason sighs, "Fine, guess I can drop Rachel off now."

"Aren't you staying for dinner, Rachel?"

"Yeah, I was, but …"

"Great, Rachel can stay here and help me get things started. And you can go get the milk." Jason and Rachel eye each other. What if she knows what they were doing? As Jason grabs his keys, Debbie calls out, "Oh, get some toilet paper too." The two females in the kitchen hear his groan as he leaves.

Rachel smiles nervously at Debbie when the older woman looks her way. "Are you sure you want me to help? I've been taking some cooking lessons with Vic's grandmother but it's gonna take a long time before I make anything edible."

Debbie says, "I'm sure you're not that bad."

"I, um, I was finally able to boil water without burning the pan."

"You _burned_ water?"

Rachel smiles sheepishly, "Well, I kinda forgot about it and the pan burned dry. I keep making stupid mistakes like that."

"You can peel potatoes, right?" Rachel nods. "Good, you start those and I'll get the chicken started."

They work in silence a few minutes. "So, you and Jason seem to be getting along okay."

Rachel nods, "Yeah, I kinda feel like I can be myself around him. I dunno, I'm not always so guarded, I guess."

"I'm glad you can be open around my son. I just want you two to make sure you're not taking things too fast." Rachel wonders, '_Does she know?_' Debbie laughs slightly, "I remember what it was like in high school. I remember there was a time when I had a new boyfriend every few weeks."

"I don't think I'll have a lot of boyfriends. Actually, I'm kinda surprised Jason likes me like that."

"I don't know why you're surprised; you're pretty, nice and smart. However, you're right. You're probably different than I was. You'll probably a few meaningful relationships instead of several flippant ones like me." Debbie gets a distant look on her face. "You know, I still remember how thrilling my first time was, I must've been about your age. After that, I think I was with every one of my boyfriends."

"Um, uh, not-nothing like that will happen with us. We're not gonna do anything," Rachel says but thinks, '_Great, she knows._'

"I know you tell yourself nothing is gonna happen. Then you're with the boy of your dreams. Maybe he tells you all the 'right' things or you two just are 'in the moment'? Whatever it is plus raging hormones. things have a way of going further than you planned." Debbie sighs, "God, I must have scared my parents more than a few times."

"Jason's not pressuring me and we're not going to, um, you know …."

"Rachel, sweetie, I know you believe that now, but things can happen. Believe me; I had it happen like that more than a few times when I was in school. If you're not careful, even if you are careful, things can happen. That's how I got Jason. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I'd waited. I just don't want you to go down the same path that I did."

"Do you want me …to break up with Jason?"

"Oh, no, no that's not what I'm saying. I just think you two should slow down a little. You just started dating. So what's the rush? You're young; don't be in a hurry to grow up. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but if you two do decide to have sex, please use protection. You two are too young to have a baby. Besides your father would probably kill my son if he got you pregnant."

Seeing that Rachel is blushing and looks uncomfortable, Debbie says, "Aw, sweetie, I didn't mean to embarrass you or make you feel guilty about how you feel. I just wanted to show you that I care about you. If you ever want to talk or have any questions about anything, you know you can come to me, right."

Rachel nods quickly, wishing she wasn't having this conversation with her boyfriend's mother. The only way it could be worse is if she was having it with her dad.

* * *

Jason sees Rachel at her locker. He sneaks up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist. "Hey, Bubbles." She becomes tense and pulls away from him. "Rachel …"

She says, "I thought we decided we were gonna take things slow."

"_You_ decided to slow things down. How slow should we go? Be like we were when we first met?"

Rachel crosses her arms. "I talked with your mom. She's right, we're going too fast."

He crosses his arms, mimicking her. "She's not right. What does she know? She's just trying to scare you and control me. She's a control freak when it comes to me."

Rachel looks around the busy hallway. She grabs his arm and pulls him into an empty classroom. Thinking she's changed her mind, Jason leans down to kiss her. Rachel puts her hand up to stop him. She whispers harshly, "We almost went 'all the way', _in your living room_. If your mom hadn't showed up we would've done 'it'."

Smiling, he tries to kiss her again. "Would that have been so bad?"

Rachel backs away from him. "I'm not kidding, this is serious. And your mom does know what she's about; that's how _you_ got here."

Jason frowns, "You're always so serious. Can't you ever relax, have some fun." He doesn't notice the flicker of pain in her eyes.

The students coming into the classroom look at them with curiosity. Rachel shakes her head, "Not now." She leaves the room.

Jason follows her. To get her attention he grabs her arm and spins her around.

Rachel looks down at his hand still gripping her elbow. She glares up at him. Wrenching her arm free, she growls, "Don't_ ever _do that again." She storms down the hallway.

"Aw, Rachel, come back."

"Leave me alone!"

* * *

Jinni finds Rachel in the library, trying to study. "There you are. I've been looking for you. I thought I'd find you with Jason, you're always with him."

Looking down at her notes Rachel says, "Not always."

"Okay, most of the time. When I found him, I asked him where you were; he just shrugged his shoulders and kinda grumbled. Did you two have a fight?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"C'mon, tell me. It might help to talk about it."

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

Jinni holds up her hands, surrendering. "Okay, okay, it's dropped. Just know, if you wanna talk, I'll listen. I was searching for you to tell you about a party tomorrow night."

"So."

"'So', a bunch of us are going, you should too." Rachel raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, I know, you 'don't do parties' but this'll be fun. Maybe Jason will be there and you guys can talk. If he's not and you guys really through then maybe you can have some fun. C'mon, Rachel, please, we haven't really hung out since the dance."

Rachel thinks about it for a moment, "Okay, maybe I'll go."

"Great! Want me to come over to help you pick something to wear?"

"I can dress myself, thank you."

Jinni gets up to leave. "Alright, just don't wear anything frumpy.

"I'm not frumpy," objects Rachel.

"You're right, I'm sorry. But don't wear a sweatshirt or sweater. It's a party for god's sake. Call me if you want me to come over tomorrow afternoon. See ya at the party."

* * *

Rachel checks the time on her clock radio. Kori will pick her up soon. She checks herself in the mirror one more time. After trying on several outfits, Rachel has decided on one. She doesn't know if it'll meet with Jinni's approval, but she doesn't care. She's not wearing a sweater or sweatshirt like Jinni said.

Studying her reflection, Rachel decides to pull her hair up into a high ponytail. She lets a few tendrils frame her face. She likes way the black skinny jeans and tight, scoop neck T-shirt shows off her figure. This is not what she'd normally wear so she's a little uncomfortable. She guesses she can handle it if it either gets Jason to notice her or makes him jealous.

Hearing a car pull in the driveway, Rachel calls out, "Dad, Kori's here; we're going to a friend's house. I might spend the night at Kori's or Jinni's."

He calls back, "Okay, if you need me, I'll be working late, so call me at the office."

On the way to the party, Kori talks nonstop about how excited she is. At the party, Rachel's a little nervous. She sticks near Kori for a while. Rachel recognizes most of the kids from school but she has to resist the urge to hide from the crowd. She's not what one would call a party girl.

Rachel looks around, searching for Jason. When she sees him, their eyes lock. She starts to go over to him but stops when a shorthaired blonde wraps her arms around him. Jason looks at the blonde then back at Rachel. They stare at one another for a minute until the blonde whispers something in his ear. He grins and walks off with the girl, leaving Rachel to watch them leave. Rachel doesn't know who the girl is but she doesn't like her.

With her arms crossed, Rachel storms off to tell Kori that she wants to leave. She thinks, '_Why did I come to this stupid party?_' Trying to avoid people dancing and couples making out, Rachel's getting aggravated. '_Where the hell could Kori be? I lost sight of her for a few minutes. Damn, I'll never find her in this crowd. She's probably making out with Richard._'

While searching for Kori or one of her other friends, Rachel runs into Jinni. "Hey, Jinni, I came, and see, no sweatshirt. Have you seen Kori? I'm ready to leave."

Jinni pulls her friend away from the crowd. "I'm glad you came. And I get why you wanna leave. The guy's a jerk. I saw how he acted with that girl, Casey. What happened between you and Jason?"

"I don't care who that girl is, I don't like her."

"You're avoiding my question. What happened?" Rachel sighs and tells Jinni what happened in Jason's living room. "You mean he dumped you because you wouldn't have sex with him?"

"No, I kinda thought I was ready but his mom came home. While Jason was out getting some things she had 'the talk' with me."

Jinni makes a face, "Ooh."

"Yeah, it wasn't fun, but it got me thinking. Maybe I'm not ready. I mean, we just started dating and he is my first boyfriend. I told him we should probably slow down some. Guess he thought that meant take things back to before we met."

"I'm sorry he's such a jerk but you know what's best for you. I was hoping that maybe you two could talk tonight."

"There's nothing to talk about. Even if I wanted to, I'd probably have to pry that Casey away from him."

"What does he see in her anyway? She such a …"Jinni stops seeing Rachel's expression. "…never mind about her. Stay at the party; don't let him drive you away. Have some fun. Who knows, maybe you'll meet some one new?"

"I don't know; I just don't like parties."

"That doesn't mean you can't have some fun. Dance; make some new friends. Just be careful about what you drink."

Rachel says sarcastically. "Yes mom."

"I'm serious. I'm not telling you not to drink. Just make sure you know what you're drinking. Some guys wouldn't think twice about getting a girl drunk then taking advantage of her. Please say you'll stay? You don't hav'ta stay long, just for a few hours?"

Rachel's about to say she can't stay when she sees Jason and Casey. Watching them she says, "Fine. I'll stay."

* * *

Even though she dances with her friends some, Rachel's not having much fun. A dark-haired guy who Rachel recognizes as senior Eric Deforest comes up to her. "Hey, you don't look like you're having much fun."

"What gave you that idea?"

Eric hands her a cup. Taking it, Rachel asks, "What is it?" She sniffs it, it looks and smells like fruit punch. She takes a sip; it doesn't taste bad.

He vaguely says, "Just something to help you let your hair down."

They talk a little as she finishes the red liquid. He gets her more cups, which she quickly drinks.

After several drinks, Rachel is swaying to a slow song playing in her head. Eric places a hand on here waist to steady her. "Are you having fun now?" he asks. She leans her head against his chest and nods. He bends forward and kisses her gently. She puts her arms around his neck. Eric kisses Rachel's neck and her normally quiet laughter, melodically mixed with the music.

He whispers in her ear, "Let's go somewhere a little quieter." He nips at Rachel's neck causing her to giggle. She hesitates a moment before nodding yes.

Eric takes her hand and leads her to a hallway.

Before entering the dark hall, Rachel stops. She looks unsure. She glances around for her friends. Eric asks her if she wants something else to drink. Rachel giggles, "I dunno."

Eric takes her hand and pulls her to him. "C'mon, let's have some fun. Isn't that what this party's about?"

Once more, Rachel slurs, "I dunno."

They kiss again, this time with more passion. She practically purrs as he caresses her.

He leads them to a back bedroom. Rachel puts a hand on his chest, "Wait."

Eric backs her against the door. "No reason to wait if we're both ready."

She shakes her head, "No…stop…I, I need some air." Suddenly, her face feels warm. She's also feeling a little woozy.

"You can get some air when we're done." He leans down and kisses her neck. Pulling Rachel to him, he leads her into the room. Confused Rachel just stands there while Eric kisses her and feels her up. Again, Rachel shakes her head. Something's not right. She shouldn't be here, in this room. She shouldn't be letting a guy she barely knows do these things to her. "No …s-stop …" She pushes against his chest.

Irritated that things aren't going as easy as he wanted, he grabs her wrists. "You were into this earlier. Now you're acting like a scared little girl. That's not how this works." He pulls her towards the bed.

Rachel tries to pull herself free. She growls, "No. Let me go! _Now!_" She's beginning to panic because he's not stopping. He keeps pawing at her while holding her close.

Eric loosens his grip when a guy comes in looking for someone. Rachel takes this opportunity to break free. She pushes past the guy and hurries for the nearest door. Once outside, the cool night air feels good on her heated skin. She pulls her hair free of the ponytail, sending her hair to fall around her. '_How could I've been so stupid?_'

* * *

Outside the party, they literally run into each other. At first, they're awkward. They just chat about school.

She seems a little upset so he offers her a ride home; she accepts. Once they arrive at her house she asks, "Do you want to come in for a minute?"

He shrugs his shoulders, "Okay, sure." Inside the house, they're awkward again.

Fidgeting with her long hair she says, "Sorry about earlier." He shrugs his shoulders and they're quiet again.

After several minutes of silence he says, "Um, I guess I should go."

"No, wait. Please stay." She reaches her hand out to him. She pulls him to the stairs.

He hesitates. "Are you sure? Won't we get interrupted?"

She shakes her head sending her long hair to swirl around her. "I'm very sure. And I'm alone tonight. My dad's working. I don't wanna be alone." She shyly leads him upstairs to her bedroom.

A little while later, she nestles up to him. He just lays there, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. She snuggles closer to him, causing him to groan. He gets up and starts to get dressed.

Sitting up, she clutches the sheet to her chest. "Jason?"

He's searching for his shirt. "I don't want to hurt you but I'm sorry. I think this was a mistake."

Getting out of bed, she wraps the sheet around herself. She repeats, "Jason …"

He looks out the window and sighs, "I shouldn't be here."

She wraps her arms around him. "You didn't cheat on her. _She_ broke it off, remember?"

Jason shakes his head. "Technically we didn't break up; we're just taking things slow."

"_I _think she's an idiot for letting you go."

"Terra …" he warns.

"What?" Jason glares at the blonde. "Fine, Rachel's not an idiot. The girl's a genius." Terra rolls her eyes. "She's just what, an emotional martyr?"

"Terra," Jason warns again.

She holds up her hands, surrendering. "Okay, fine, I won't mention her after this. But I think you deserve better. Someone who's not a basket case. There, I've said what I had to.

Rachel pulls out her phone and calls Jinni. Jinni's worried when she hears her friend slurring her word. Grabbing Vic, she goes out to find Rachel leaning against the garage. Seeing her friends, Rachel bursts into tears. Vic and Jinni exchange worried glances.

"I'm sorry, Jinni. I did what you told me not to do."

Jinni grabs Rachel by the shoulders and looks her in the eye. "Rachel, what happened? What did you drink?"

"I, I dunno. I think it was red. I'm sorry."

Seeing the hickey forming on Rachel's neck and her disheveled appearance worries her. "Rachel, Rachel, listen to me. What happened? Did somebody hurt you?"

Fighting to control her tears, Rachel says, "No, no nothing… Eric wanted to but I …" She goes up to Vic. "I'm awful. I thought I wanted to at first but I got scared. I pushed him away. I, I should go see if he's okay."

Vic blocks her way to the house. "No, Rae, you did the right thing. I'm sure he's okay."

"But I …I lead him on. I was trying to make Jason jealous. I didn't think. I'm not one of those girls." Suddenly she feels sick. She turns back to the garage. Jinni holds back Rachel's hair while she gets sick in the bushes.

Jinni goes over to Vic. "She's pretty sick. I don't know what she drank. I think we're done here. Would you mind giving us a ride to my house?"

"Nah, that's fine. I'll text the others to let them know where we are."

At Jinni's house, Rachel's sitting on the sofa. She feels a headache coming on. She begins crying because she feels bad about ruining everyone's night.

When her friends show up, the tears stop. She calls out, "Kori, Kori-anna-banana did you and Richy-poo have a good time tonight? Did you see, I was dancing and it wasn't with one of you guys?"

"Yes, Rachel, it was a fun party. I saw you but maybe you should know the person before dancing with them."

"That's boring. Garr-field, come sit next to me." She begins to giggle.

Sitting next to her, he asks, "Hey, Rae, what's up?"

"Nothing. Just the ceiling …and the sky." She's now giggling uncontrollably. She runs her hand through his hair. "Hey, it'd look cool if you dyed your hair green. Oh, I know, I'd dye mine purple. Did you know that you almost, kinda sorta have pointy ears? Are you some kinda elf or something?"

They all exchange concerned glimpses. They've never seen her like this. Her emotions are out of control.

Gar pulls her hands away from his ears. "What did you drink, Rach?"

She lays her head on his shoulder and pouts, "Don't call me that. My dad calls me that name and I hate it."

"I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose."

"Yes he does. He doesn't care about me. He knows I hate that name. I know that he knows that I know …what? I dunno, just don't call me Rach, promise."

Gar looks down at her. She's falling asleep. "Okay, Rachel, I promise, I won't call you that name."

"Thanks. If my dad really cared about me he wouldn't, …he wouldn't …h…" She falls asleep with her head on Gar's shoulder.

He lifts up her hand and drops it back onto her lap. He says, "She's out for the night. What happened at the party? And what do you think she meant with all that stuff about her dad?"

A week and a half later, several students are just standing around outside a museum. Kitten is talking with her friends, Kelsey and Ashley. They're conversation turns to Rachel who's standing nearby. Kitten makes sure Rachel overhears them.

Kitten whispers rather loudly, "You know, her mother is really alive."

Kelsey asks, "Whose mother?"

Kitten says, "The creepy freak's mother."

Confused, Ashley says, "I thought she died a few years ago."

Kitten shakes her head. "That's what everyone thought. I guess she faked her death or something."

Kelsey suggests, "Maybe she made up the story to get sympathy."

Ashley scoffs, "That didn't work."

Kitten says, "No, I don't think she knows."

Kelsey asks, "How much of a freak are you that you don't know whether or not your mother is alive?"

Kitten grins evilly, "The bigger question is: how much of a freak are you that your mother fakes her death to get away from you? She is a major freak." The three friends laugh about Rachel.

Rachel's blood is boiling. Trembling with anger, she goes up to Kitten and her friends.

They laugh at her. "What do you want, loser?"

Rachel demands, "It's a lie and you know it. Take it back."

Kelsey asks, "What are you talking about?"

"What you said about my mother, it's a lie. Take it back!"

Kitten says, "It's not a lie. My mom saw her. Go away. You're ruining our view." Rachel turns to leave. Kitten pretends to whisper to her friends, "I guess she seemed happy now that she doesn't have a creepy, freaky daughter. That's probably why she left. _No one _likes having a freak around."

Rachel spins around. She's so angry she's actually seeing red. "Shut up! _Shut up! SHUT UP!_" The girls are laughing at Rachel.

Consumed by rage, Rachel pushes Kitten into the fountain.

Everyone turns to the commotion. Kitten is flailing in ten inches of water. Her friends are trying to get her out without getting themselves wet. Still angry, Rachel hangs her head and has her fists clenched at her sides.

"Rachel Roth!" Calls out their teacher, Ms. Davis, "Come here now! What is the meaning of this?"

Rachel mutters, "I'm sorry."

Ms. Davis asks, "What was that?"

Rachel repeats a little louder, "I'm sorry."

The middle-aged teacher says, "Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Kitten."

Rachel looks over to Kitten and her friends. She's out of the fountain but she's acting as if Rachel tried to drown her. Rachel hears Kitten tell another teacher, "I don't know what happened? The freak just freaked out."

Rachel shakes her head, "I'm sorry, I can't"

After school, Kitten's voice echoes through Rachel's head, '_I know your mom's alive. And she's happy without you._'

Jason sees Rachel just standing outside the school. The students rush past her but she doesn't even notice them. He goes over to her. He's concerned, she has a lost, unfocused expression. "Rachel? Rachel?" she doesn't notice him. He touches her elbow and repeats, "Rachel?"

She blinks several times. She looks confused. "What …?"

"Are you alright?"

Rachel asks, "Do you have your car today?"

Jason nods, "Yeah, is everything okay?"

She doesn't answer his question. Instead, she begins to ask, "Would you …?" she shakes her head.

"Do you need a ride?" She looks at him as if she never thought of that. He wonders why she's acting so strange. "Where did you need to go?"

Rachel opens her mouth to speak but quickly shuts it. She tries again, "I, um I need to get to Hamilton."

"Hamilton! That's just over three and half hours away."


	12. Chapter 12: Bring Me To Life

**Songs About Me **

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 12: Bring Me To Life**

* * *

**"**_**Wake me up inside / Wake me up inside / Call my name and save me from the dark / Bid my blood to run before I come undone / Save me from the nothing I've become**_**"-Bring Me To Life, Evanescence**

* * *

Rachel repeats, "I need to get to Hamilton."

"Why? It'll take us almost four hours to get there."

She turns from him and sighs. "You're right. Um, never mind. I'll, I'll find another way to get there." She walks away trying to figure it out.

Jason thinks about it for a moment. He runs after her, "Rachel, wait, come on, let's go. I'll take you."

"Are you sure? It is a long way, remember."

"I'm sure. Do you need to stop by your house to get anything?"

She shakes her head, "No, let's go before I change my mind."

They ride in silence until they're out of the city. Jason notices that Rachel's fidgety. She's fiddling with the radio when Jason asks, "So, why are we going to Hamilton?"

"Guess you didn't hear about me and Kitten?"

"No, what happened?"

"I, uh, I pushed her into a fountain."

"You _what_? You pushed her? Why?"

Rachel cringes at his reaction. "She just made me _so_ angry.

Jason asks, "What'd she do?"

Rachel looks over at him sheepishly, "She said something that wasn't true."

"What'd she say about you?"

"No, she said something about my mother. She said my mom faked her death to get away from me."

He says, "Rachel, you know that's not true. I don't know why Kitten has to be such a bitch."

Rachel hears Kitten's words echo in her mind, '_your mom's alive …to get away from you …_' She shakes her head to try to free herself from Kitten. "Kitten's right about one thing, my mom's alive."

Shocked, Jason says, "What do you mean? I thought you said she died a few years ago."

Rachel admits, "I _never said _she died. I _said _she got sick and I lost her. Everybody just assumed she died."

Beginning to get annoyed, Jason says, "Can you blame them? I can't believe you'd lie about something like that?"

"I didn't lie."

"You didn't tell the truth. You didn't correct people."

"I couldn't, it was too hard. It was bad enough seeing the pity in everyone's eyes."

Now irritated he says, "So it was easier just to pretend your mother was dead. What she do, run out on you and your dad? This is your way of punishing her, acting like she's dead."

Studying her hands she says, "No. It's not like that. I love my mom."

He grumbles, "You have a funny way of showing it."

Her head whips up and she glares at him. "Why are you angry at me?"

Jason sighs as if to say isn't it obvious. "I told you about my parents. About how my mom was still in high school when she had me. And how my father skipped out on her as soon as he found out about me. I told you about my stepdad, who I hardly see anymore but we still talk every now and then on the phone. I told you how I think of him more as my dad than my father. I told you _all_ about my family. But you didn't think to tell me, your boyfriend, that your mother is still alive somewhere. Guess it was just easier not to say anything. I suppose she wasn't even sick."

Rachel quickly wipes away a tear that threatens to escape. She hopes he didn't see her doing this. "Nothing about it was easy." She's trying to gather courage to speak on a subject she hasn't spoken about in years. "Mom _was _sick, not physically but she became mentally ill. The doctors tried to help her. The medicine they gave her worked …for a while. But she got worse …" Rachel wraps her arms around herself. She looks out the window, watching the scenery speed by.

"Rachel?" Jason tries to encourage her to continue.

She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Rachel closes her eyes. In her mind, she sees the events of that day. She quickly opens her eyes, not wanting to relive it. She speaks with a calm, soft voice, "She'd tried to kill herself. If it hadn't been a half day of school, things would've ended differently. We wouldn't be going to Hamilton right now."

"Rachel, I'm sorry."

"The doctors pumped her stomach, they were able to save her, but she was never the same. She never came home; dad had her committed to a mental hospital. She's been there ever since. I haven't seen her since the day we moved. I went there to say good-bye and she ignored me. It was like I wasn't even there." Rachel remembers Trigon saying Angela didn't want children. She wonders, '_Was it my fault?_'

Jason says softly, "It wasn't your fault. It couldn't be."

Confused, Rachel looks at him, "Why'd you say that?"

Jason says, "You were wondering out loud if it was your fault. It couldn't be. You were just a kid; your mom was an adult. I'm sorry; I know shit like that happens sometimes. She should've been able to control things better."

Rachel agrees. "Okay, but what if she wasn't ready for kids. Then she had me and I don't know it was all too much for her."

Jason asks, "How old was your mom when she had you?"

"Eighteen, but …"

Interrupting, he says, "She was older than my mom when she had me. Your mom was legally an adult. If she wasn't ready for kids she could've given you up for adoption."

They ride in silence as Rachel thinks thing over. '_Or she could've had an abortion. Maybe this is why dad's so angry. I caused him to lose mom._'

Seeing a road sign Rachel says, "There's a small town coming up soon. We can turn around there and go back. You don't have to take me to Hamilton."

"Do you wanna go back?"

Rachel sighs, "I don't know. I don't know what I want to do."

"Let's stop and get a bite to eat. I think we should keep going. Maybe you'll get some answers or find some peace or something in Hamilton."

Rachel gazes out the side window, not really seeing the scenery. She realizes she didn't think things through. Here she is going to Hamilton with the guy she's been dating. Is he still her boyfriend or did they break up? She doesn't know; she's never been through this kind thing. She sighs softly. '_Heck, I just got friends a little before meeting Jason. What do I know about relationships of any kind? My example at home isn't worth much. What am I going to do about dad? If he almost lost it when he saw us simply kissing, then me running off with Jason to my hometown that's four hours away isn't going to help things. I'm going to be in so much trouble when he finds out I went to see mom._'

She's startled out of her thoughts when something touches her hand. Rachel looks down at her hand resting on the car seat. Jason's hand is over hers. She looks up at him.

He gives her hand an encouraging squeeze. "Don't worry, it'll be okay."

Rachel smiles sadly, "Thanks for helping me with this. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about all of this. I've never told anyone. I just don't talk about it. Even at home, dad and I don't talk about mom. I think it's too painful for him."

* * *

While Jason is getting the food, Rachel calls Jinni. "Hey Jinni, if my dad calls could you mind telling him I'm there but I can't come to the phone?"

Jinni asks, "You want me to lie for you?"

Rachel cringes, "I could ask Kori to do it but I don't think she'd be very convincing."

"Are you saying I'm good at lying?"

Rachel silent for a few seconds, "Um, uh …"

"Thank you. I'll do it, but I need to know where you're gonna be if it's not here or at home."

Rachel sighs. She knows Jinni will make a big deal about this. "I'm with Jason, but it's not what you think." Rachel has to hold her phone away from her ear as Jinni squeals with delight. "Are you done?"

Jinni giggles, "Yeah, sorry. I'm just glad you two are getting together again."

"Like I said, it's not what you think. It has to do with my mom."

Jinni's confused. "What about your mom? Where are you guys?"

"We're going to Hamilton. It's a long story. I'll tell you later. So, you're okay lying to my dad if he calls?"

Jinni says, "Sure, no problem." In a sing-songy voice she adds, "Good luck with everything."

Rachel groans, "Ugh, Jinni, you're almost as bad as the boys. But thank you, I think I'll need luck. And thank you for helping me with my dad. Bye."

Jason shows you with the tray of food just as Rachel closes her phone. Curious, he asks, "Who were you talking to?"

Reaching for her burger and fries, she says, "I called Jinni, I asked her to lie to my dad if calls there looking for me."

"Why would he be looking for you at Jinni's?"

Rachel says, "Because when we're done here I'm going to call him and tell him I'm at Jinni's."

As she gets ready to take a bite, her phone rings. She checks it. "Ohmigod. It's dad." Jason whispers, "Answer it or he'll be suspicious."

Rachel clears her throat and answers her phone. "Hi dad. …Oh, you have to go out of town tonight. …No, I'm okay. I don't need anything. I was just about to call you. …I'm going to stay at Jinni's tonight. …We're working on a project for school and it's talking longer than we thought. …Okay, well, see you when you get back. Bye."

Jason grins, "Guess you don't have to worry about your dad."

"Yeah, guess not," says Rachel, a little distracted. Trigon tries not to take business trips during the week. He didn't sound like anything was wrong but Rachel wonders what's going on. "What about your mom? What are you going to tell her?"

He finishes the second half of his burger in three bites. "Don't worry about it. I left her a message that I was helping a friend." He chuckles at her expression. "Well, I am helping a friend. Do you want the rest of your fries?"

She shields her food from his grabbing hand. "_Yes_, I want my fries. Sometimes they're the best part. If you want more go get 'em yourself."

* * *

Back on the road again, Rachel suddenly realizes that she's just like her dad, that her temper is the same. Someone made her angry; she lashed out and hurt them. She mentions that she's worried about Kitten.

Jason tells her, "Don't worry about her."

Rachel shakes her head, "No, she could've been hurt and not even realized it. I'm horrible. She could be in the hospital right now and it would be my fault. It's all because of my stupid temper." '_I'm just like dad._'

"Bubbles, calm down. Kitten is okay. If anything happened to her, she probably just broke a nail. To her that'd be the end of the world but it's nothing serious."

"You think she's okay?" He nods. "What if she's not? I mean I've heard of people hitting their head in a skiing accident or something and think that they're fine but they end up dead."

"Did she hit her head?"

"I don't think so. Ohmigod, I'm a horrible person," she berates herself. "I don't even know if she hurt herself when she fell."

"You are not horrible. You're concerned about her that shows you're not cruel. If you switched places, do you think Kitten would be worried about you? Has she ever worried about you?"

Rachel thinks back. "I don't think so."

He can sense she's still bothered. "If it makes you feel better, you could call her house and see how she's doing."

"I don't know, maybe." Thinking about it, Rachel decides not to call. Jason's right; she's just overreacting.

* * *

An almost four-hour car ride gives them a lot of time to talk. Rachel says uneasily, "Um, sorry about the other night, at the party. Nothing happened between Eric and me. I was so jealous when I saw you dancing with that girl. Guess I wanted to make you jealous too. I'm sorry. I didn't think I'd act like that."

That night with Terra enters his mind, he thinks, '_It worked, I was jealous. But that's no excuse. I'm sorry, Rachel, I shouldn't have been with Terra. I'm sorry._'

She misunderstands his silence. She thinks he's mad at her. She repeats, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you away. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. And I shouldn't have listened so much to your mom. I think she did scare me. I do like being with you. Guess I just got scared if we go all the way, we could have a baby. And I am _not_ ready for that. But I should've told you that and not pushed you away. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"Rachel, it's okay. You shouldn't feel wrong about what or how you're feeling. It's okay to be cautious. I don't wanna push you into doing something you're not ready to do. I agree with you, I'm not ready to have a kid."

"So you're not mad at me?" she asks.

"Of course not." '_I'm mad at myself for screwing things up by screwing Terra._'

"Maybe we can kinda start over again. I mean not back at the beginning; just kind of go back to before we got off track."

"Sure, and I promise we'll go slower."

"We don't have to go too slow. I like you a lot."

After a few minutes, Jason says, "So you hooked up with Eric?"

Rachel rolls her eyes, "Nothing happened. He put something in my drink or whatever but nothing happened. I wouldn't let it; I pushed him away, even though I was drunk. After that Vic and Jinni took me to her house."

Jason grins to himself but Rachel notices it. "What's with the smile?"

"I was just thinking that explains why Eric came to school the other day with a black eye."

She sighs, "Ugh, Vic. Looks like you'd better watch it around me. Better not hurt me or you'll probably have to answer to Vic. I'm not sure who's more protective when it comes to boys, him or my dad."

* * *

When they arrive at the mental hospital out side of Hamilton, the receptionist asks them to wait in the waiting room. They sit in silence while waiting. Rachel keeps eyeing the receptionist's desk. Any time an orderly, nurse or doctor goes by Rachel perks up. No one stops for her. The plastic orange chairs are uncomfortable but she's willing to sit there all night for a chance to see her mom.

They wonder why it's taking so long for someone to see them. They didn't have an appointment but there's still plenty of time before visiting hours end. After thirty minutes waiting Jason asks, "Want something to drink?"

Distracted, Rachel looks up at him, "What?"

He repeats the question. She looks confused so he explains. "I saw a vending machine outside the front door. I just need to stretch my legs for a while, especially after the long car ride. Wanna come?"

Rachel shakes her head, "Nah, I'll wait here."

"So, did you want anything?"

"Yeah, sure, get whatever you think is best."

While Jason is gone, Rachel lets her mind wander. '_Will she recognize me? Three years have passed I've probably changed some. Will she look the same? Will she even remember me? If she does, will she remember how it was the last time we saw each other. Will seeing me set her back? Will it disrupt the progress she's made? Has she made any progress? Maybe she hasn't; that's why I've never been able to see her. Are they protecting me from her or is the other way around? Are they protecting her from me? Was it a mistake coming here? Should we just go back to Jump City without seeing mom?_'

When Jason returns he hands her a bottled water, Rachel still hasn't heard anything. Picking up old magazines, they settle in for a possible long wait.

A few minutes later, he looks over at Rachel. Noticing that she is distractedly chipping away at her nail polish, he asks, "Nervous?"

She glances at him, "What? Um, no not really." He looks down at her hands. Her gaze follows his. She sees that she is missing much of the polish on her thumb. "Oh, um, yeah, guess I am a little nervous." She crosses her arms. "I haven't seen my mom in almost three years. I was just kind of wondering if she'll recognize me."

"I'm sure she will; you're her daughter. It'll be okay."

Rachel checks her watch again. Irritated by the long wait, she says, "It will be if we don't have to sit here for another three years."

After waiting another forty-five minutes, Rachel needs to stretch her legs. She asks the receptionist where a restroom is. The overly cheerful brunette says, "Go down this hallway. At the first corridor, turn left. Go through the third door on your right. Go down that hallway, turn left, it'll be the second door on your right."

As she follows the receptionist's directions Rachel wonders if she should've left a trail of breadcrumbs or string to find her way back. She makes a wrong turn and hit a dead end. She finally finds the restroom. While washing her hands, she hopes she'll see her mom soon. Exciting the restroom, Rachel turns right. Nothing looks familiar; she's taken another wrong turn. Rachel's about to turn around when a woman catches her eye. The woman's hair reminds Rachel of her own. Rachel stares. Could this woman, who is humming to a rag doll, be her mother? The woman looks up, seeing Rachel, she smiles, "Hello."

The woman's eyes are so similar yet different from what Rachel knew. This woman _is_ Rachel's mother but she doesn't seem to recognize her own daughter. The teen simply says hi. She has to fight the urge to add mom. Angela asks, "Do you want to see my baby?" Rachel nods, not trusting her voice. Angela holds up a rag doll with brown yarn hair and blue felt eyes. "This is my baby, Raeberry."

Rachel gasps, that had been her nickname. She has memories of her mom calling her that. Rachel remembers the hint of sadness in her mom's eyes when she told her how embarrassing it was; telling her that the name was for babies. Now she wishes her mother would call her that. Trying to recover, Rachel says, "Hi, baby …Raeberry."

"I call her Raeberry because …"

"…Because she likes to blow raspberries," Rachel finishes.

"Yeah, how did you know?"

Rachel says sadly, "I knew a girl who had that nickname for that reason."

Angela smiles and looks down at her baby doll. "Isn't she so sweet? She's a perfect baby. She never cries." She glances up to her forgotten daughter, "Maybe she'll grow up to be pretty like you. Are you here visiting someone?"

"Um, I'm here to see …a family member."

Angela looks around the room. "I'm the only one in here so you're not here to see me."

Rachel says in a small voice, "I got lost."

"Everyone gets lost sometimes. Don't worry, you'll find the right way. I have to go now, it's almost little Raeberry's bedtime. Bye-bye."

Watching her mother leave, Rachel simply says, "Bye." In the empty room she thinks, '_I just saw mom but she didn't recognize me. I shouldn't have come here._'

When Rachel returns to the waiting room Jason thinks she looks disappointed. '_Maybe she's just tired. It's been a long day,_' A doctor shows up a few minutes later. He tells them they can't see Angela tonight. Seeing a visitor this late would only disturb her. Possibly tomorrow they could visit her. Rachel reluctantly agrees to this; there's nothing else she can do.

As they exit the hospital, Rachel lets out a long slow sigh. "What now?"

Jason suggests, "It's late. Why don't we get a room?"

"A room?" Rachel's glad it's dark out so he can't see her blushing.

"If you're gonna see your mom tomorrow you might as well stay in town. Anyway, it's too late to drive back tonight."

* * *

Rachel directs Jason to a nice but inexpensive hotel. After checking in, they head up to their room. They both appear a little nervous. Rachel seems more uneasy than Jason does. She keeps shifting her backpack from one shoulder to another.

Rachel instantly blushes seeing the one bed. She didn't thought this far. She realizes again that she hasn't thought any of this out. Sensing her tension, Jason suggests, "Why don't you sleep on the bed and I'll take the sofa."

"Are you sure? The sofa doesn't look like it'd be that comfortable for you. I'd probably fit better on it."

"No, I'm sure. It's okay. My mom may have raised an idiot but she was able to teach me some manners."

Rachel shrugs, "Okay, if you're sure." Jason nods that he is.

While Jason is getting a snack from the vending machine, Rachel gets ready for bed. To be more comfortable while sleeping she removes her jeans. By the time Jason gets back, she's in bed.

He has an extra blanket and pillow so he'll be able to sleep on the sofa. After setting them on the sofa, he goes into the bathroom to get ready. While he's in there, Rachel thinks about her mom. She wonders if she'll be able to see her tomorrow and will things go better than they did tonight.

Jason comes out of the bathroom folding his shirt. Seeing his bare chest, Rachel quickly averts her eyes. She curiously glances over to him. He's arranging the blanket and pillow on the sofa. Rachel feels her face getting warm as she watches him. When he turns around, she turns away again. She doesn't want him to know that she was watching him.

She leans over and turns off the light. The room is dark except for a nightlight near the bathroom. She settles down under the blanket.

Jason says, "Good night."

Rachel replies, "Night." She can barely see his form in the poorly lit room but she can hear. She hears him unzip his jeans. She can make out that he's removing them. Rachel blushes as Jason gets under the blanket. Pulling her blanket up under her chin, she thinks, '_Omigod, what am I doing here?_'

* * *

Rachel tries to fall asleep but she can't seem to get comfortable. She keeps tossing and turning. Glancing over at the nightstand, she notices an hour has passed. She rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling. Images of her mom flood her mind. She flops her arms down on the bed in frustration.

Jason looks up and mumbles sleepily, "What's wrong?"

She runs her hands through her hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I can't sleep. I can't get it out of my mind."

"Don't worry about it. What, are you still upset about Kitten?"

Rachel sits up and shakes her head. "No, it's my mom. I can't get that day out of my mind. No matter how hard I try, it's always there." She closes her eyes for a moment. "I remember running into the room. I still see the image of her lying on the floor."

Jason sits up, he's awake now. "You mean you found her?"

She pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. She continues, "There was a bottle of pills next to her. Some pills were strewn across the floor. She also had a bottle of some kind of alcohol. She must have hit her head when she collapsed. She had a cut on her forehead. There was a lot of blood. She was lying there so still. I-I thought she was dead …" Her voice trails off.

While Rachel tells about her mom, Jason slips his jeans back on. He goes over and sits at the bed. He can't believe she's telling him this.

Rachel takes a moment before continuing. "When I screamed I must have sounded terrified because dad was there immediately." She stares into space as she speaks, "I don't remember much else after that; everything was kind of a blur, the ambulance, the hospital and doctors. I do remember dad looking so worried. I felt bad because he had to worry about mom and me. A neighbor finally showed up at the hospital and took me to their house. They tried to distract me but I could only think about what I had just seen. All I could think about was how mad mom would be about the blood staining the carpet."

She looks at Jason, "Isn't that crazy? My mom could've been dying and I was worried about the carpet. I guess somebody cleaned it, I don't know. Dad never let me go back in there. And not long after we moved to Jump City. That scene always seems to be in the back of my mind."

The sad teen folds her arms on top of her knees. She rests her chin on her arm before she continues, "There was a time when I was mad at her. I'd wished she'd succeeded. God, I sound awful, wishing my mother had actually killed herself. I don't hate her. I loved her. I do love her now. It's just, you don't know hard it's been to know she's nearby but I can't contact her. You've been able to call your real father a few times. I haven't been able to talk to her since that day. At the hospital, when I went to say good-bye, she completely ignored me. It was as if I was invisible or not even there. She was aware of dad but not of me. Over the years, I've tried writing to her but there's nothing. I get the letters back. If she'd died, I would have a gravestone to visit."

Rachel covers her face with her hands. "God! Again I sound like the cold-hearted bitch everyone thinks I am."

Jason takes her hands and pulls them away from her face. He holds them between his hands. He forces her to look him in the eye. "You are _not_ a bitch and you're not cold-hearted. You're hurt, and I think you're just the opposite. You're sensitive to so much and to protect yourself from the pain you put up walls. That's what people usually see.

"I get what you're saying about if your mom had died. Then you'd have somewhere to visit her. Something to grasp onto, even if it was just a gravestone. But the way things are now, you still have a chance. Maybe that'll happen tomorrow. Maybe it'll be a new beginning for you two."

Rachel frowns, "I hate myself for the things I think sometimes. I need her, especially this year. I have friends, that's hard to believe. Now I have a boyfriend, even harder to believe. But I have questions about dating, school, everything. I feel like she abandoned me. I almost wish she _had _given me up as baby. Then I wouldn't have had almost twelve years to know her and love her. Maybe then I wouldn't hurt so badly."

He hugs her. "I'm sorry you're in so much pain."

Holding him tightly, she fights against the tears that threaten to surface. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry; you probably didn't want to hear all of that. I've kept this locked inside me so long."

"You don't have to apologize. So you never talked to someone about this? What about your dad?"

"No, it's just my problem. He has his own …demons …to deal with. Besides, Dad's always busy with work. Sometimes I don't think he notices me." '…_except to hurt me._'

Jason pulls back from the hug. He tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Rachel, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you felt so lonely."

Looking up at him she asks, "Do you care for me?"

He kisses her gently and says, "Of course I do." He gets up to go back to the sofa.

"Wait …" She climbs out of bed. He's surprised to see she's not wearing her jeans.

"Rachel?"

With trembling fingers unbuttons her shirt, exposing a cami. She lets her shirt slide down her shoulders to the floor. Now she's just wearing bra, panties, and a cami. She goes over to him; she takes his face between her hands. Rachel kisses him, which he returns. They kiss passionately as she touches his body.

Rachel closes her eyes as Jason touches her bare skin. As his lips trail down her neck, her breathing becomes strained. He caresses her partially clothed body, producing soft moans from the raven-haired girl.

She leads him to the bed. She has him sit on the bed and rest back on his elbows. Straddling him, she leans over him. Her long hair falls around them as she kisses him passionately. She feels him becoming aroused. A raspy moan escapes his throat; feeling her body rub against him.

She moves her hands down his chest to his jeans. She squeezes her eyes shut trying to get the nerve to do this. Letting out her breath slowly, Rachel hesitates twice before unbuttoning his jeans with her trembling hands. They kiss again.

Groaning, he breaks away from the kiss. She goes to kiss him again. He puts his hand up to stop her. He says. "Wait, I don't think you really want to do this."

She sits back on the bed. Confused, Rachel looks at him, "Don't you want this? Don't you want me?"

Reluctantly backing away from the seemingly willing girl, he says, "I do want you. God knows I've thought of nothing else since that night."

Rachel stands up and goes over to him. "Then what's the problem?" She tries to kiss him.

Jason shakes his head and turns away from her so he won't see the pain in her eyes. "I'm ready, I want you but I don't think you're ready."

"What? We almost did it last time. Why is tonight different?"

"Last time I had a feeling you were unsure. When my mom came home, I could sense you were more than a little relieved. I think, right now, you might be too emotional about your mom. I don't want you to be pressured into something you might regret later."

Wrapping her arms around herself, Rachel turns to the windows. '_How does everyone seem to know what I'm feeling when I have trouble knowing myself. _

"Rachel, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you."

She sighs and whispers to herself, "I just wanted …to feel …"

Jason thinks he hears her say _loved_, but he's not sure. He places a hand on her shoulder, "Rachel, I …"

She shrugs him off. "Forget it. We should get some sleep." She goes to the bed leaving him standing there, watching her. Climbing into bed she says, "I'm sorry. This was all a mistake."

"Rachel …"

"No, it's okay, I'm okay. Don't worry, I get it. Get some rest, you have a long drive. We'll leave first thing in the morning."

"What about seeing your mom?"

She sighs, "Like I said, this was all a mistake. We shouldn't have come here."

"Rachel …"

"Good night."

Jason stares at her blanket covered form. Her back is to him. '_She's shutting me out. She's putting up walls again. She used to be like this all the time. I don't want her to go back to that. I don't want her to feel rejected."_

Jason grabs the extra blanket. He gets onto the bed with Rachel, the blanket between them. Lying down, Jason gently puts his arm around Rachel's waist. He feels her become tense.

She clutches her blanket tight, "No. Don't. I, I…can't …not, not now …"

"Shh, we're not gonna do anything. I just wanna comfort you. Try to relax."

Several minutes later Jason feels her become a little less on edge.

After sleeping a few hours Jason wakes up confused. It takes him a moment to remember where he is and why he's sleeping next to Rachel. He wonders why he woke up when Rachel moves some, she's tense again. She seems to be dreaming. Jason wonders if she's dreaming about her mom. She clutches the blanket tighter to her. He realizes she's not just dreaming but having a nightmare. He wants to comfort her but he's afraid to wake her. Soon Rachel begins to calm down. She turns over and nestles up against him. He tenderly wraps his arm around her and falls asleep again.

* * *

Rachel wakes up to the sound of the shower. At first, she doesn't remember where she is. Remembering the events leading up to last night, she rolls onto her back. Covering her face with her hands, she mutters, "Ugh, I'm messing up everything." She lies like this until the shower turns off. She sits up and wonders what Jason will say. What should she say to him?

Jason enters the room; he's running a towel over his hair. "Morning, Bubbles, I …"

She cuts him off before he can say anything else. "Let me take a quick shower, and then we'll go." Climbing out of bed, she grabs her jeans and shirt and races to the bathroom. Shutting the door, she leans against it. She sighs and repeats, "I keep messing up."

Stepping into the shower, the warm water feels good. Tears begin to sting her eyes. Frustrated, she slams her fists onto her thighs. She hisses faintly to herself, "I thought I was passed this. I haven't done this for years." As the tears stream faster down her cheeks, she remembers years ago crying in the shower so no one would hear her and there would be no trace of her crying. While washing her hair, she lets the tears flow. Rachel turns to the showerhead and lets the warm water wash away her tears.

When Rachel comes out of the bathroom, she completely dressed with a towel wrapped around her hair. She searches her backpack while Jason continues to watch TV. Irritated about not finding a comb or brush in her bag, Rachel pulls the towel off her head and returns to the bathroom. She comes back to the room running her fingers through her long dark hair. It's drying in soft waves and hanging in her face some. "Okay, we can go back to Jump City now."

Turning off the TV, Jason suggests, "Why don't we get some breakfast first."

Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "Sure, fine, whatever."

When they get on the elevator, a college-aged guy is already on it. He looks over the two teen. After checking out Rachel, he gives Jason an approving grin. Before he gets off the elevator, he says to Jason, "Not bad. Way to go, dude."

She looks up, confused. What was that guy talking about? Then it occurs to her. "Did that guy just assume we'd had sex?"

"Um, er …"

Rachel crosses her arms and leans against the wall. "Great."

* * *

After ordering, they sit in silence. Jason watches her as she looks out the window. Rachel tucks her hair behind her ears, revealing her face. Studying her, Jason notices that she looks younger without any makeup on. Not that she usually wears a lot of makeup but her black eyeliner is sometimes like a mask; hiding what she's feeling. He doesn't think she looks like a little girl; she just looks closer to fourteen than sixteen. "Rachel, about last ni…"

Her phone rings. She glances at him as she answers the phone, "Hello? …Yes …Yes …Really …Oh, okay, um thank you. Bye." Closing her phone, she stares at it.

Curious, Jason asks, "Well, who was that?"

Rachel looks up at him. Blinking several times, she seems to have forgotten he was there. "That was my mom's doctor. He said I could see her today. He said she was asking for me." She can hardly believe she'll actually have a chance to see her.

Jason starts to get up, "We can go now and eat later."

"No, the appointment is at 10:30 so we have time." Jason settles back down. Rachel absentmindedly stares out the window. Again, they sit in silence as they wait for their order to arrive.

Suddenly they hear a voice call out through the soft diner noise. "Rachel Roth, what are you doing here?"

Rachel frowns and slouches down in her seat. She knows that voice.

* * *

***Hamilton is a made up town.**


	13. Chapter 13: The House That Built Me

**Songs About Me**

**Many thanks for your encouraging reviews. It means so much to have your support.**

**A thousand apologies, I lost focus on this chapter for a while. However, I have been working on future chapters. Sooo, in theory, I should be able to update sooner when I get to those chapters. *fingers crossed***

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: As I mentioned in a previous chapter (ch. 6), I do not own either one or anything.**

**Chapter 13: The House That Built Me**

* * *

"_**I thought if I could touch this place or feel it / This brokenness inside me might start healing**_**" - The House That Built Me, Miranda Lambert**

* * *

Rachel turns to see a seventy-year-old woman approaching their table. The woman has a definite pear-shaped figure and burgundy-red hair piled on her head. The woman repeats her question. She screeches out, "Rachel, sweetie, what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in years."

Rachel forces a smile on her lips. "Mrs. Hayes, how are you?"

The woman's coral-colored lips turn from a smile to a pout. "I thought we were friends, you don't have to be so formal. You know how much I have an aversion to such unnecessary decorum between friends."

Rachel glances at Jason. She narrows her eyes at his amused expression. "I'm sorry, Mis, uh, Moya, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it. You never answered me, why are you here? Nothing's wrong is it?" Moya stops to think a moment. Before Rachel can answer, she begins again. "Shouldn't you be in school? You didn't drop out did you? Kids these days have no ambition. You just want to hang out at the malls and play video games." Jason has to stifle the impulse to laugh. This woman's description sounds nothing like the girl sitting across from him. Mrs. Moya Hayes continues, "I don't know what the world's coming to. In my day, we valued an education. It didn't matter if that education came from a textbook or a job."

Rachel has been trying to give Moya a reason for being in Hamilton but can't get a word in. When the old woman stops to take a breath Rachel says, "Moya, I moved to Jump City, remember? I'm not skipping school. There's no school today, uh teachers' meetings." Rachel hopes that she's believable.

"What a relief. I always thought you were a smart one. Now, you're going to go to college after high school, right?" Rachel nods. "Good girl." Rachel cringes, '_What am I, a dog that deserves a treat for doing a trick?_' Moya continues, "You will need a degree in order to have a good career. Don't just get a job. A smart young woman like you should have a career."

Rachel resists the urge to roll her eyes. She knows the woman means well. Rachel wishes she would lose interest and leave. She's not that lucky.

"Oh, there's dad. Yoo-hoo, dad, I'm over here. See, it's little Rachel."

A short old man with thinning white hair approaches their table. "Oh, hi, Rachel, how are you?"

Rachel gives him a weak smile. "Hi, uh, dad, I'm fine, how are you?" She almost hated to ask that question because she didn't know what kind of answer she would get.

"Thanks for asking. I'm doing much better. A few days ago, my back was bothering me. I'm …"

Moya interrupts him, "Now dad, Rachel doesn't want to here about your lumbago. Especially since she's here with a ma-_an_. What's your name, sugar?"

"I'm Jason Xavier, ma'am."

"Nonsense with that ma'am stuff. We've known Rachel since she was a little girl. Oh, dad, remember that time when little Rae-Rae was playing in the rain in her birthday suit."

Rachel wants to scream at them to go away. '_Would a meteor _please _hit the city and have this over with._'

Bill Hayes, or dad, comes to Rachel's rescue. "Come on, ma, we don't have time to tell stories. We have to go meet the Josephsons before we go dancing tonight." He leans over to Jason. "Women love dancing, remember that, son."

Jason nods as he tries not to burst out laughing. "Thank you, I'll try to keep that in mind."

Moya recalls their plans. "Oh, yes, we have to meet with the Josephsons, thanks for reminding me, dad." She explains, "The Josephsons are our dancing partners but we're still better. We're in the running for the trophy this time."

Rachel mumbles, "That's nice."

Bill calls out to Moya, "Honey, we should be going. See you around, Rachel, Jason." The teens say good-bye.

"Right, we should be going. Tell your mama and daddy I said hi. And remember, the key to wrinkle free skin in washing your face before bed and moisturizer. Don't forget moisturizer."

After they say good-bye to the jolly old couple and they leave, Jason bursts out laughing. "Who the hell was that?"

Rachel glares at him. "That was Bill and Moya Hayes, also known as ma and dad. They've call each other that since the beginning of time."

"Wow, she's kinda intense."

"She was my babysitter when I was little. She wasn't completely horrible. She knows how to raise kids. They have fourteen of them."

"So, Rae-Rae …"

"Shut up."

"…you ran around in your birthday suit? I'd like to see that."

She sends a death stare his direction. "I was _two._ Don't tell me there are no incriminating pictures of you as a baby."

They stop talking when the waitress brings their food. She sets a waffle and syrup in front of Rachel. In front of Jason, she sets down the mega breakfast. Rachel eyes his large amount of food. "You're really gonna eat all that?"

Jason compares his pancakes, eggs, hash brown potatoes bacon _and_ sausage to her single waffle. True it is a large waffle but he wonders how that's going to keep her full. Finishing a bite, he mumbles, "Yeah, of course."

Rachel rolls her eyes. '_Boys._'

* * *

Rachel instructs Jason how to get to her old house. "Turn left at the next light. Keep going straight. It'll be the forth house on the left after the school …um, I mean park. There used to be an old school there. Guess they tore it down."

Jason pulls the car to a stop. They both look across the street at the small craftsman-style house. Rachel studies all the changes. The tree is larger, of coarse and there's another one added to the front yard. There are also more plants and flowers. The porch, front door and trim are a different color. She notices all the fall and Halloween decorations.

Jason interrupts her thoughts, "Which room was yours?"

"What? Oh, um, my room was upstairs." She smiles at the memory of her old room. "It was kind of like an attic bedroom so the whole second floor was mine. My room wasn't really that big but I loved have the upstairs all to myself."

Jason likes seeing Rachel happy. He has an idea. "Wanna see what it's like now?"

"It doesn't look like anyone's home."

"Let's check it out." Rachel looks doubtful. He clarifies, "We're not gonna break in, just see if anyone's home. What could it hurt?" After considering it for a moment, Rachel agrees.

Going up the front walk, Rachel notices some letters in the sidewalk. "Omigod, they're still there." She brushes aside some leaves to show Jason the letters _RTR._

She explains, "One summer, years ago, my parents were redoing the landscaping. They were having this sidewalk put in. My best friend and I were bored when we came home to find the wet cement. We thought it'd be fun to …"

"…play in the wet cement."

Remembering the fun she had, she laughs softly. "You guessed it. We wrote our names and drew in it. We put our handprints in it. It was kind of like clay to us, so we thought it'd be easy to fix."

Rachel's smile fades, "My parents were so angry at us. They had never been that mad at me before. I remember wanting to cry but not in front of my friend. Of course, my friend had to go home and I was grounded for what seemed like forever."

She traces the childish handwriting. "The handyman, Joe, was pretty cool though. He calmed my parents down; he said he could fix it easily. After he got it smooth, he snuck me out here. He told me to write my initials small in this corner."

A car pulls into the driveway, startling them. A young woman in her early twenties gets out of the car. "Can I help you?"

"I'm sorry. We didn't mean to bother you. I used to live here and we were in town so I thought I'd show my friend my old house. We weren't going to do anything. Just maybe ask to look around." Rachel notices for the first time there's a toddler in the back seat. Realizing she's been on the verge of babbling she offers an apology. "We won't take up any more of your time. We'll go now."

The auburn haired young woman says, "Wait, you used to live here? Was that just a few years ago?" Rachel nods. The woman thinks a moment before speaking. "Is your last name Roth?"

Jason and Rachel are confused, how does this woman know this. "Yes, I'm Rachel Roth."

The woman smiles, "Hi, I'm Amber Somers. Would you mind waiting a moment, I have something for you." Amber goes to unhook her daughter from the car seat. "Of course it might take a little while. I have to check if this squirmy little thing needs changing."

The teens look at one another. They have time. Rachel nods, they'll wait.

Jason and Rachel wander up the driveway to the backyard. There are memories of her childhood all around. She smiles seeing the swing set. She's glad they kept it; it'd been one of her favorite things to do.

Jason says, "You never said what Kitten has to do with this. I know you said she said those things about your mom, but how would Kitten know?"

Rachel wonders how much she should tell him. He's been pretty understanding so far. She hasn't straight out lied but she hasn't mentioned some things, like her mom. Rachel walks over to the swing set. Jason follows her. After they're each on a swing she says, "You know before I moved to Jump City I lived in Hamilton." Rachel kicks off. She pumps her legs a few times. It still feels good have the wind blow through her hair. She drags her feet, stopping. "Um, so did Kitten. We went to school together. We'd been in the same classes from day one, since kindergarten."

"So that's how Kitten knew about your mom; she knew about her problems."

Rachel nods, "We weren't just classmates, we were, um …friends, best friends."

Jason's shocked. "You and Kitten were best friends?"

Rachel laughs sadly. "Yeah, in grade school we were pretty much inseparable. We did just about everything together. But in junior high, she got new friends and got interested in boys. We started going our separate ways.

"It wasn't like Kitten was my only friend, I had others. But I've always been the quiet one in the group. I've always been into reading and art. I think I started distancing myself because I was scared about mom. When you're, I don't know, about ten or eleven years old some of that stuff really scares you."

Rachel rolls her eyes as she adds sarcastically, "Yeah, I really wanted to be around people when Kitten started telling rumors about my family." She stares off into space for a moment then shakes her head slightly as if she's trying to shake the memories. "I told her some things because I _thought_ she was my friend. I guess she wanted to impress her new friends, so she told them things. Some of what she said was true but must most of them were lies."

Jason watches her with curiosity and concern. He asks, "If you don't mind me asking, what were some of the things she said?" Rachel closes her eyes and furrows her brow. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Shaking her head, "No, I can tell you." She lets out a deep sigh. "The thing that ended our friendship was a major lie. I was so upset about mom that dad pulled me out of school for a few weeks. While I was out Kitten told people that mom had tried to kill herself. That part was true but I didn't want _everybody_ knowing that. Kitten also said that either mom tried to kill me or I tried to commit suicide. I never did figure out which lie she told."

Jason mutters, "Why does Kitten always have to be a bitch?"

"Ever since then, I've been known as a creepy freak."

He leans over and gives her a hug. "I'm sorry about everything Kitten did. You know you're not a freak."

Rachel pulls away. She smiles sadly and shrugs. "Yeah, I guess." She looks down, studying the ground.

Jason lifts up Rachel's chin, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Bubbles, stop listening to Kitten. She's nothing but a superficial bitch. Stop living in this negative world of yours. I'm not trying to change you. I like you for who you are but I hate the pain you put yourself through by listening to all that shit. Promise me you'll try not to let Kitten's hatred bother you."

Rachel quickly nods. "I'll try." '_But it's hard when you live with it constantly_.'

Leaning in they kiss gently. They jump apart when they hear someone clear their throat. "Ahem, sorry," says Amber, holding her daughter on her hip and a simple wooden box in her other hand. "I didn't know it would take so long to find it. I had to call my husband to find out where he put it." She holds the box out to Rachel, who eyes it with curiosity. Amber sets her dark haired daughter down and explains. "When we found these in the basement, I didn't have the heart to throw them away."

The young girl toddles over to Jason who's still sitting on the swing. She holds her hands up to him. "Daddy!" Jason's face has a flicker of fear as it blanches. He gently tries to push the little girl away but she's insistent. "Daddy, Daddy up."

Smiling, Amber goes over and swoops her daughter up causing her to giggle. "Sorry, Ruby thinks any guy with dark hair over a certain age is her dad." Little Ruby still reaches for Jason. "Ruby, that's not daddy. Daddy's at work, he'll be home for lunch." To Rachel she says, "If you need anything else, I'll be inside."

Rachel glances down at the box in her hands. "I think we're gonna be leaving so we won't be in your way. Thank you for saving this and giving it to me."

Amber and Ruby wave good-bye before they go inside. As Jason and Rachel walk past the front walk Jason says, "Kitten was the friend who played in the wet cement with you."

Rachel sighs, "Yeah, we always thought we'd be best friends." '_That's the past, it's over. I'm anxious to get to the car to see what's in this box._'

Opening the box, they find some photographs and a small book. Rachel's never seen the book but guesses it's a diary. She's itching to read or at least flip through it but they don't have a lot of time. She takes out the pictures.

The first one looks like it a first day of school picture. Turning it over confirms her thought. It reads, _Rachel, first day of first grade_. Flipping the picture over again, she holds it so Jason can see it. It shows a little girl with long dark hair pulled to the side in low pigtails. Wearing a blue and white striped dress, she stands smiling in front of the house. She's proudly showing off her apparently new backpack. Jason comments, "It looks like you were excited about school."

Rachel shrugs her shoulders, "Yeah, I liked it alright back then."

The next picture has the same little girl. She's sitting on the porch steps. Gone is the smile and excitement. Replacing the smile is an irritated expression. Jason chuckles slightly. He recognizes the little girl's expression. He's seen Rachel with that same face many times. "What's with that look?"

"I don't know, maybe too many pictures? I don't remember."

There's a picture of Rachel as a little girl asleep on the floor in front of the Christmas tree. Opened presents are all around the tree.

The next one is of an Easter egg hunt. Rachel looks to be two or three. There are other kids around. They all have Easter baskets. Rachel holds up Halloween bucket, wearing a determined look on her face. Jason laughs at that picture. Rachel says, "What? It held candy, didn't it?

Two little girls, they look like opposites. One has her dark hair in two messy braids and is fair skinned. The other one is tan with her hair up in curly blonde pigtails. The girls are eating popsicles and laughing at some unknown joke. The girls are obviously Rachel and Kitten at the height of their friendship. The moment of time captured when they thought they'd always be friends; there was no reason to believe otherwise.

Rachel frowns at the last picture. When she was little, everything was much simpler. Maybe that wasn't true but it seemed so at the time. She sadly asks Jason about the time.

"It's a little after ten." He feels bad for Rachel. He knows she's struggling and wants to help her but he doesn't know how.

With a sad sigh, she replaces the photos and diary back into the box. She puts the box in her backpack. "We should go. I don't want to be late for meeting my mom."

As they pull away, Rachel glances back at her old house. It's most likely the last time she'll ever see the house. Of course, she that same thought years ago.

* * *

When they arrive at the hospital, they are instructed to meet the doctor in his office. A middle-aged man with graying hair at his temples introduces himself, "Miss Roth, I'm Dr. Matt Ryan. I understand that you were here yesterday to see your mother, Angela."

"Yes, that's right. I guess we arrived too late because I wasn't able to visit her."

"I see. Did you by any chance go and see her no your own?"

"I, uh, I accidentally saw her."

Dr. Ryan unsuccessfully stifles a sigh. "How exactly does one _accidentally_ see someone they're not supposed to see yet?"

Rachel tries not to squirm under the doctor's gaze. She doesn't really like him. His ghastly pasty skin looks like it's made of wax. Rachel can't help but think he looks like a reject from Madam Tussauds Wax Museum. She explains how she got lost and ended up seeing her mom.

Jason's surprised. She said nothing about this. He realizes that explains why she was so upset about her mom.

"I didn't tell her who I was. We just talked about her doll. I didn't mean to see her. Like I said, it was an accident. You'll still let me see her, right?"

The doctor leans against his desk. Folding his hands he says, "Normally I would deny access to the patient if there was a breach of protocol."

"But I …" Dr. Ryan raises an eyebrow, expecting her to remain silent.

"I recognize you didn't intend to upset your mother. She used to ask about you all the time and we didn't have much progress. She thought you were stolen from her. After she got that doll, she was able to focus her energy on her treatment. If she was denied a chance to see you, any progress she's made might be undone."

Rachel's hopeful. "So I can see her? Could Jason come too?"

"He may come as an observer and to support you. If he interferes, he will have to wait outside, understand?" The two teens nod in agreement. They wonder what the meeting will be like.

Dr. Ryan ushers Rachel and Jason into a room. Before entering, Jason asks Rachel, "You okay?"

She lets out a shaky breath. "Yeah, I'm just a little nervous, I guess."

"It'll be okay," he giver her hand a squeeze of encouragement.

Angela is already the room. When Angela looks up, she recognizes her daughter. "Rachel?"

"Mom?"

Both females look to the doctor for permission to go to one another. Dr. Ryan nods. Mother and daughter rush towards each other. They end up in am embrace. Overwhelm by the fact that her mother recognizes her Rachel softly cries. Angela strokes her daughter's hair trying to calm her down. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here. You don't have to worry."

"Mom, I've missed you so much."

"Let me look at you." Angela holds Rachel out at arms length. "You're growing to be a beautiful young woman." Rachel wipes her eyes and shakes her head slightly. "Yes you are. Look at your hair, it's so long." She holds out some of her daughter's long black tresses.

"I haven't cut it since …for a few years."

Angela smiles. "I remember you had long hair when you were little. For some reason in the fifth grade, you decided you wanted to cut it short. I didn't want you to cut it so I wouldn't let you. You kept pestering me about it all summer. I finally gave in. For back to school, you would have the short hair you wanted. I kept asking you if you really wanted this. I remember I told you, you could change your mind until the first cut. You insisted on wanting short hair. The first snip of the scissors and the tears started to flow. You cried the whole time. Afterwards, you said you hated it and wanted it long again. I admit it was cute short but I missed your long hair. You didn't look like my _little_ girl."

Noticing Jason for the first time, Angela asks, "Who's this? Is he your boyfriend?"

Color rises on Rachel's cheeks. "Kind of, I guess you could say that. We've been dating a few weeks. This is Jason."

"Nice to meet you, ma'am." Jason's surprised by how much mother and daughter look alike.

Angela laughs softly. Her laugh sound a little like Rachel's. "I can't believe my daughter's old enough to be dating. That makes me feel so old. You know Rachel, you've grown to be a beautiful young woman."

Again, Rachel's color deepens. "_Mom_, pretty maybe but I wouldn't say beautiful."

Her mother shrugs her shoulders. "Okay, whatever you say, but I still believe I'm right."

They talk some about school but nothing very specific. In the middle of a thought, Angela asks, "Why didn't you write me?"

Rachel's confused, "I did write to you. I wrote to you all the time. At first, I would write and tell you about everything. Then it became just cards at the holidays, not letters. But I would jam those cards with information about what was going on. I continued to write to you, I just didn't send it. I wanted to remember all the things I wanted to tell you."

"I never got any cards or letters. You probably never sent them."

"I did send them …at first. After the first year, my cards and letters were returned. They were never opened. They were just stamped 'return to sender'. I thought you were mad at me."

Rachel studies her chipped nail polish. She feels like crying but doesn't want anybody to notice. "I never heard from you. Not even a card on my birthday. Then you returned my cards without opening them. I told myself you were busy getting better but I couldn't help thinking you were blaming me for what happened."

Angela gets up and walks around the room. "We aren't able to do much here but I did make you cards and sent them to you for your birthday and Christmas. It may not have been the right day because it's easy to loose track of the days in here. _I did_ send you those things. _You_ _never_ sent me _anything_."

Rachel sighs softly, "Mom, I did …"

Angela's getting agitated. She's flailing her arms about. "And you've never visited me before. Today's the first time in how many years that you've come to see me."

"I'm fifteen, mom, I can't drive yet. Once I can, I'll visit you more often."

"You could've taken the bus."

'_I thought she knew we moved. Why wouldn't anyone tell her?_' "Um, mom, we don't live here anymore. We move to Jump City a few years ago."

Angela disapproves. "Humph, your father always wanted to live in the big city. Guess he got his way.

"I promise I'll visit more often."

Angela looks skeptical, "Yeah right, you're just saying that to make me drop the subject. So you'll look like you're being a good daughter. You don't have to come." She scowls. "I've done fine these past few years. I can go a few more years before our next visit."

"Mom?" Rachel can't believe her mom's saying this. '_Things were going well. What happened? What went wrong?_' "Mom? I …"

Turning her back on her daughter Angela snaps, "Enough! I don't want to hear anymore. I'm tired, I want to go lay down." Before leaving the room with an orderly, she glares at Rachel. "You always were just like your father. You're like him in every way."

That stings Rachel like a slap. She stares at her mom in disbelief. '_Mom thinks I'm like dad. She doesn't want me around. What just happened?_'

Hurt and angry Rachel glares at the doctor but doesn't speak until Angela's out of the room. "What just happened? What's wrong with her? I thought she was getting better." She flings her arm out indicating the space where her mom was. "_That's_ how I remember her being before she came here. What are you doing to make her better? Are you doing anything?"

Dr. Ryan crosses his arms. "Miss Roth, I understand you're upset. I'm sorry but I'm not at liberty to divulge that kind of information."

Jason speaks for the first time since introductions. "But she's her daughter. Can't you give her any information?"

"I realize they are related but I can't give out patients' information."

Rachel's very irritated with this doctor. He doesn't seem to be any help for anybody. "My father, Trigon Roth, is paying for my mother's treatment."

Dr. Ryan wears a patronizing smirk. "Yes, I realize that and I know who your father is."

"Then you know he's a very influential businessman. I think he'd want to know if you're not treating my mother. He could pull her and his money out of here and move her to a different facility."

Not sure if her threat is real, the doctor decides to placate her. "I can't give you specifics but your mother is a difficult case. She has shown some improvement."

"Improvement? She didn't recognize me yesterday. Today things started out okay and then …I don't know, what happened."

"Like I said, she's a difficult case."

Rachel sighs and almost whines, "I just want my mom back."

Dr. Ryan sees that this girl isn't really a threat. She's just a scared girl. He says softly, "If it makes you feel any better the outbursts, like she had today, happen less often. In my opinion, it will still take a long time but she is getting better. Do you have any other questions?"

"When can I see her again?"

"I think we should wait a while before we schedule another visit. You understand don't you?"

Rachel frowns but nods. "Yes, thank you for letting me see her today."

Jason and Rachel walk to the car in silence. Before starting the car, Jason asks if she's okay.

Rachel growls out her frustration. "Ugh! That creepy looking waxy doctor …"

"Waxy?"

"His face looked like it was made of wax. He looked like a creepy mad scientist." Jason agrees, "Yeah, he did look a little weird."

"He just dismissed me, treated me like a child."

"That was pretty annoying. I hate when adults do that. I mean, I'm almost an adult so treat me like one. Are you okay after some of the things your mother said?"

After thinking a moment, Rachel frowns. "If it'd help her get better, I'd stay away from her. What hurt the most was when she said I was like my dad. She spit out 'your father' like it was poison. It sounds like she hates him. Do you think she also hates me? That she blames me for what happened to her?"

"She doesn't hate you. I think she's scared and confused about what's happening to her." Seeing Rachel's worried expression he repeats, "Rachel, she doesn't hate you."

"I hope you're right. Guess I didn't get any answers. It was a _huge_ mistake coming here."

Jason tries to cheer her up some. "You got that diary and those pictures. That's something you didn't have before."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She lets out a deep sigh. "We should probably get back to Jump City."

Starting the car Jason asks, "Want something to eat while we're here?"

Rachel rolls her eyes slightly. '_He's thinking about his stomach again._' "Yeah, sure, could we go through drive-thru? I don't really want to see anybody."

* * *

Driving back to Jump City, they discuss just about anything except Rachel's mother. Well, Jason does most of the talking. He's trying to distract Rachel. Jason turns to Rachel to ask her a question but finds she's asleep.

_Rachel's back home, in her house in Hamilton. She wanders around; it looks like it did when they moved out. She hears her parents arguing. Searching for them, she goes through a doorway. Everything changes. It's the same house, but it looks like it did when she was little. Rachel finds herself as a little girl huddled under the kitchen table. The little girl is crying. Her parents are in the kitchen yelling at one another. A younger Trigon roars, "You spent two hundred dollars on _her_?"_

_"She needed things."_

_Trigon mocks her, "'She needed things.' She needed two hundred dollars worth of shit?"_

_Teenage Rachel yells out, "I don't need anything." But they can't hear or see her._

_Angela tries to stay calm. "She's growing. She needed new clothes, new shoes."_

_Both Rachels flinch at the sound of his hand hitting Angela's cheek. They hear young Rachel's reaction. Trigon reaches under the table for his young daughter._

_Both Rachel and Angela, who's holding her cheek, scream, "Leave her alone!"_

_Grabbing little Rachel's arm he pulls her over to her mother._

_Angela tries to reason with her husband. "Tri, leave her alone. She's just a little girl. She doesn't have to be apart of this. This is just between us."_

_Tightly grasping the young girl he snarls, "You like making your mama cry? This is all your fault."_

_"Trigon, you know that's not true. Let her go and I promise not to spend too much any more. I promise I won't make you angry any more."_

_"You're lying. You and this brat are always doing something to annoy me."_

_"No, I'm not lying." Angela tries to coax little Rachel away from her father. "Tri, let her go upstairs. She's just five years old. This has nothing to do with her. You're mad at me; don't take it out on her."_

_Trigon shoves his daughter to her mother. "Get the brat out of my sight. I'm sick of her sniveling."_

_Fifteen-year-old Rachel watches her mother comfort the younger version of herself. "Raeberry, go upstairs to your room. Look through some picture books or color me a picture. Whatever happens, stay in your room." Angela turns to the older Rachel and looks her in the eye. "Go with her. I need you to be with her so she doesn't feel so alone. Maybe she won't be so scared. Please, go with her."_

_Rachel's surprised she can be seen. Rachel quickly nods. She turns to follow the little girl just as Trigon grabs his wife's arm and twists it. Rachel tries to ignore the fighting as she goes through her childhood home._

_She enters her bedroom; it's decorated for a five year old. Little Rachel's lying on the bed but she's now about ten years old. Lithium by Evanescence seeps out of her headphones. As the screams downstairs become louder, ten-year-old Rachel turns up the music._

_The older Rachel turns to go downstairs t help her mother._

_"Stop. Don't go down there. You're supposed to stay here with me. If you go down there, you'll only get in trouble. You'll be the next one to get hurt." A single tear rolls down the younger girl's cheek. "Something happening to her daughter will hurt her more than anything he could do to her."_

_The Rachels rush to the door when they hear a loud pop then a crash. It sounded like gunfire but it couldn't be. A scream follows another loud pop._

Rachel jumps in her seat. The seatbelt holds her back. She's confused and struggles with it. Her heart is racing. She breaks into a cold sweat. Rachel runs a shaky hand through her hair. '_Did any of that really happen? Was it really just a dream?_'

"Rachel, Rachel, you're okay, you're safe. I think you had a nightmare."

"What?" She turns to him, "Oh, um, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. Do you want to talk about it?"

Starting to calm down, Rachel searches her memory. '_That never happened. There was never a gun was there?_' She lies, "No, I don't remember what it was about. It's already faded."

Thinking about the nightmare Jason asks, "Do you often have nightmares?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"You just had one now and I think you had one last night."

"Sorry."

"Rachel, don't be sorry. I just wanna help you if I can."

Rachel looks out the windshield, at the city on the horizon. "I think this thing about seeing mom has dug up some things in me. Don't worry, I don't usually have nightmares about mom." '_About dad, that's a different story. A story no one will know about._'

He gives her a smile, "I just want you to be happy, you know."

Smiling back she says, "I know. Thanks for looking out for me. And thank you for coming with me. Hope you don't get into too much trouble with your mom."

Jason laughs, "I can handle her. So, do you work this weekend?"

Glad to change the subject, Rachel says, "No, I'm off. Please thank your mom again for helping me get that job at the café."

"Hey, it was no problem. She like you and likes working with you. Did you wanna do something Saturday?"

"I'd love to but I have a dinner thing with my dad. He's meeting with a client who's a real family man. This guy wants to meet my dad's family and that's me. I'm so lucky. I get to dress up; go to a stuffy restaurant while they talk business." She rolls her eyes, "That sounds like loads of fun."

"Well, if your 'evening of fun' gets done early, call me. Maybe we can see a movie or something."

* * *

When Jason drops her off at her house, Rachel's relieved her dad's not home. She hurries up to her room and removes the box from her backpack. She looks at the photos before opening the diary. It did belong to her mom.

Entry from Angela's diary, early 1995: "_Oh God, I can't stand them! They make me so angry! They are __so__ self-righteous! _

"_I love Trigon and they can't stop that. What do they know about love? __NOTHING!__ They certainly don't know how to love their daughter. Yelling at me everyday is not going to make me see things their way._

"_If I work a little harder and improve my grades, I can graduate early. Then I can move out and be with Trigon all the time. He's been talking about marriage. _"

Entry from Angela's diary, summer 1995: "_I am so happy. I don't think I've ever been happier. I just found out I'm pregnant. I'd had a feeling something was going on. I went to the doctor and she confirmed it. Trigon and I are __so__ happy. I am a little scared. This year everything is happening so fast. I graduated, got married and now I'm having a baby. I'm only 17 years old. _

"_I hope I'll be a good mother. I know what __not__ to do. I don't want to be __anything__ like my mother. I wonder if she'd be happy to know I'm happy. I don't know and I don't care. __**They**__ are out of my life now. I have my own new family with Trigon and our new little bundle._"

Another entry, fall 1995: "_Oh my goodness! This little one wants out. She is kicking and wiggling. __I__ think we're having a girl. Tri thinks it's a boy. I think that's only because he wants to throw a football around with someone._

"_I'm getting so big and I still have a few months to go. I don't know how much longer I can last. I can't even see my feet anymore._

"_This little one likes to listen to music. It doesn't matter what I'm listening to. She seems to move or dance to the music. Maybe she'll be a dancer. My favorite time is when it's just the two of us. She likes it when I sing to her. If she's not a dancer, maybe Tri will get his wish and she'll be a great soccer player._

"_I'm so excited and scared. I never thought I'd have children, but now I can hardly wait. I still can't believe it. I have a small, tiny person growing inside me. I've never had something so innocent dependent on me before. I hope I don't make too many mistakes._"

Another entry, February 1996: "_I got my little valentine a little early. The doctors thought the baby would be due around the 14__th__ but she came about 2 weeks early._

"_I don't think I could be any happier. I have my sweet little girl with me now. She's beautiful. She has large dark blue eyes with long dark lashes. I've never seen lashes like that on a baby, but I haven't seen too many babies in person. She has a head full of black hair. Oh, and her little button nose. She's adorable! Trigon says she'll be a heartbreaker and he won't let her date until she's 30. Ha, ha, ha!_

"_I am a mother. That's so strange for me to say. I am a mother to this sweet, perfect little girl. Tri laughs at me because I keep counting her fingers and toes. But I'm amazed. I can't believe something so perfect and complete came from me. _

"_Rachel Tara Roth, my sweet baby girl, I hope you always know how much I love you._"

That's the last true entry. There are some notes about Rachel as a baby, doctor's visits, height and weight changes, first tooth. Little milestones like that but no actual entries.

A picture flutters from the back pages. Rachel wipes the tears from her eyes and picks it up. She turns it over and a small gasp escapes her lips. It's a picture of Angela with a newborn Rachel.

Eighteen-year-old Angela looks much like Rachel does now. She wears a large smile as she gazes down at the newborn in her arms. The newborn, Rachel, is wrapped in a light pink blanket. She has one arm out and is gripping her mother's finger. Rachel's amazed by how much hair she had as a baby.

The mother and daughter look so peaceful. The image in front of her begins to blur as tears fill Rachel's eye. '_She loved me and wanted me. Dad's been lying. She's always wanted me. I'm glad I made her happy for a while. I know she doesn't hate me now. She's scared. _I'm _scared. Mom, I hope you get better soon. I love you._'

Rachel places the diary and photos back in the box. She hides the box under somethings in the back of her closet. She doesn't want her father to find them. She's terrified about what he'd do if he found out she went to Hamilton.

* * *

**Well, anyways, thanks for reading and as always comments and/or suggestions are welcome. **


	14. Chapter 14: Crawling

**Songs About Me**

**Welcome back and thanks for stopping by.**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**anything**_**!**

**Chapter 14: Crawling**

* * *

**"**_**Crawling in my skin / These wounds, they will not heal / Fear is how I fall / Confusing what is real**_**" -Crawling, Linkin Park**

* * *

Moonlight shines through Rachel's bedroom window. She's asleep, wrapped up in a blanket. She's tossing and turning. She seems restless. Bolting upright, Rachel gasps for air as she looks around her room. Everything is still the same. She runs her trembling hands through her hair. Glancing at her clock, she sees it's just after midnight. '_Ugh! I had that dream again. Why? Why do I keep having it? It's the same dream, mom and dad are fighting in our house in Hamilton and someone has a gun._'

Catching her breath, she wipes the sweat from her forehead. This is the third or fourth time in less than a week that she's had some version of this dream. '_Why do I keep having this dream? I've had it ever since I saw mom. What does it mean?_' Lying back down, Rachel pulls the blanket up to her chin. '_There couldn't have been a gun. Mom wouldn't allow it; she hated guns. If there had been gunshots, wouldn't I remember that?_' Many thoughts float through her mind as she begins to drift to sleep. Rachel hopes for a dreamless night.

In the morning, things are still quiet in the Roth household. Rachel's relieved her dad hasn't found out about her going to Hamilton but she's anxious that he will. She doesn't know how he'd find out, unless the doctor called him. That hasn't happened yet and she hopes it never will.

At the breakfast table, Trigon brings up the tonight's dinner. "Do you know what you're wearing, yet?"

Rachel pokes at her eggs. She doesn't want to go to this dinner. "I don't know."

Trigon grabs the morning paper before sitting down with his coffee. "Well, have you thought about that purple one?"

"What purple one?"

"The purple dress you bought for that school dance awhile ago. Why don't you wear that one?"

Rachel's surprised, "You remember that dress?"

"It reminded me of one of your mom's dresses so of course I remembered it. Besides, wouldn't the purple look good with your dark hair?"

Rachel can't get over the shock. She's talking about fashion …with her dad of all people.

That evening, she puts on the deep purple dress. It is a simple knee-length dress with an empire waist and spaghetti straps. A chiffon overlay on the bodice goes over the straps. This gives the illusion of wider straps. A line of rhinestone trims the empire waist.

She doesn't want to go to this dinner but her father insists. If she has to go, she wishes she didn't have to wear a dress. However, if she has to wear a dress to this stupid dinner at least it one she likes.

For some reason, Rachel's having a strange feeling about tonight. As she twists her hair into a low loose bun, Rachel tries to figure out this feeling. '_Maybe I'm just thinking about mom. Dad said this dress reminds him of one of hers. That or I'm nervous that dad finding out about me seeing her._'

When she goes downstairs Trigon's amazed by how his daughter resembles Angela. "You're the spitting image of Angela when I met her. You know, I met her when she was a little older than you are now."

"Really?" They haven't talked about her mother in years. Rachel wonders what brought this on.

Trigon reminisces, "Her parents were very strict. I'm not sure if she was rebelling against them but we feel in love. We got married just after she graduated. Within a year, you were born." He pulls out a box and gives it to Rachel. She glances up at him confused. "Go ahead, open it."

Opening the box, Rachel finds a necklace with a butterfly pendant. Amethyst gemstones make up the wings. It's not something she would've picked out for herself but it's pretty. She is surprised, "What's this for?"

"You're growing up. I just thought you might like something nice. Here, let me put it on you." He steps behind her and fastens the clasp. He stands behind her as they look into the hall mirror. He Trigon repeats, "You're growing up. You'll be going off to college soon. I know I've been a little hard on you lately. I'm just trying to do what's best for you. It's so hard being a single parent. I never thought I'd be doing this on my own. I don't like you being pain but sometimes I have no choice. You realize I'm so hard on you because I love you, right?"

Rachel has been toying with the pendant as her father spoke. She's been studying their features. '_We look nothing alike. I take after mom. I have her coloring, her eyes. The only thing dad and I have in common is our tempers._' "Yeah, I, I understand."

Trigon warmly rubs his daughter's arms. "Good, I knew you'd understand. We should go. I don't want to be late."

As they drive through the city, Rachel asks, "You never said where we are going."

"We're going to that French restaurant, _En Saison_. It was the client's choice." Rachel wonders what it'll be like. She's never been to somewhere that fancy.

When they arrive at the restaurant, they are the last ones there. The client, Nick Simmons and his wife, Claudine are already there. Slade is also there. Rachel doesn't know why she's surprised to see Slade there but she is.

Mrs. Simmons says, "Everyone, please call me Claudine. I just love everything French. Nick and I met at college in Paris. I would love to live there again. It is such a beautiful city. Rachel, you'll be going away to college in a few years, any ideas about where you'd want to go?"

Rachel shakes her head. "No, I'm not really sure where I want to go. I have kind of thought about a school out of state." She tries to avoid her father's eye. This is the first time Trigon's heard about this.

Claudine offers some advice. "You shouldn't count out Paris." She turns to Trigon. "I know what you're thinking, dad. It's too expensive and too far away. She could get scholarships and technology and travel are always improving so you'll always be connected. Like I said, Paris is a beautiful city."

Trigon chuckles softly. "I'm not worried about the money. Nothing is too good for Rach. I'm just surprised she would go so far away. We're really close, she's daddy's little girl." Rachel cringes.

When Claudine gets a call, she leaves the table so she can take it. She comes back and apologizes. "I'm sorry I'm not able to stay. I have another commitment that I can't reschedule. You know how it is when you're back in town; there's so much to do in such a short amount of time. It's a pleasure to meet all of you. Trigon, you have such a lovely daughter. I can see why you'd want to keep her close. Rachel, whatever you decide on, I'm sure you'll do great."

With Claudine gone, Rachel has no one to talk to. Rachel's sure tonight's going to be boring. She decides she can at least practice reading French. While the men discuss business, Rachel tries to translate the menu. She scans the menu, _escargots a l'ail _…_calamars_ …_steak tartare_.

'_Eww. Seriously, snails in garlic, squid and raw beef? Gar would freak out here. And everything's so expensive. Dad just ordered something that costs thirty-two dollars. They're all ordering things like that. I'd rather be with my friends having pizza or burgers. Isn't there anything I might eat?_'

She keeps searching for options when she sees _pommes frites._ She smiles to herself; she can have the house salad and the _pommes frites,_ French fries.

After everyone's made their order, Mr. Simmons comments about Rachel speaking French.

Trigon says, "She takes French in school." Rachel's surprised he knows this. Of course, she told him her classes at the beginning of the school year; she didn't think he'd remember.

Mr. Simmons says, "You do? _Parlez-vous français?_"

"Do I speak French? A bit, I speak a little bit. _Un peu, je parle un peu._"

"_C'est très bon._ _En quelle année êtes-vous étudier_?"

"What year am I in? I'm in my sec …um …_Je suis dans ma duexieme année._"

"_Le français est une si belle langue. N'avez-vous pas d'accord?_"

"_Oui. _French is a beautiful language." Rachel's not used to speaking it outside of class. They speak it in class but it's usually sentence structure and conjugating verbs. She's never had any conversations with someone who's lived in France.

"_Souhaitez-vous dire chose en français?_"

_'Say something in French? Isn't that what I've been doing?' _Um, thank you for inviting me to dinner. _Je vous remercie de m'avoir invite a diner. Le restaurant est magnifique._"

Beside her Slade mutters under his breath, "_Tout comme vous mon petit oiseau. _Just like you, my little bird."

Rachel hears him. She glances around the table. '_Did he just say what I think he said? No one else seems to have heard Slade. I wish I didn't have to sit next to him._'

The meal continues uneventfully. Rachel continues to be bored. She wonders why she had to come; they're only discussing business. With the exception of them talking to her at the beginning, they seem to have forgotten her. Rachel kind of wishes Mrs. Simmons didn't have to leave. Maybe she would've had someone to talk to.

Bored, she excuses herself from the table. She goes to the restroom to check for any messages. There's only one; it's Kori wondering if she want to do something tonight. Rachel sighs. '_Why couldn't I have gone with Kori instead being here?_' She checks the clock on the wall. She's been away for about five minutes. She decides she should probably go back.

A waiter stops Rachel on her way back to the table, "Miss Roth?"

"Yes?"

"Your father asked me to tell you he'd meet you at the car." Rachel thinks that's a little strange but she doesn't question it; she's ready to leave.

The parking lot is dark and quiet. Rachel wishes they had parked under a light. She's not usually afraid of the dark but she wishes her father would show up soon. The car is locked so she can't even wait in there.

"Hello, Rachel," a male voice says from the shadows.

Rachel jumps. She recognizes the voice. "Mr. Wilson, what are you doing here?"

He steps out of the darkness. "Call me Slade. We've known each other long enough to forgo the formalities. I've watched you grow up over the past few years."

Rachel feels uncomfortable being alone with Slade. She repeats, "What are you doing here?"

He walks over to her. "I'm here to see you."

Rachel backs away from him. "My father will be here soon."

Slade chuckles, "Sweet Rachel, you know your father is busy with business. He's so busy he probably doesn't even notice we're not there." He keeps walking over to her. When Rachel backs up against the car, she feels trapped. She feels like her pounding heart is going to pop out of her chest.

He puts his hand on her shoulder. Rachel looks down at his hand.

When he speaks, she looks up at him. "Having a boyfriend has been good for you. You've bloomed from an awkward little girl to an appealing young woman. Your boyfriend must be very lucky."

Panic fills her eyes when he lifts her chin up towards his face. "I …"

He puts a finger on her lips. "Shh, don't say anything." He takes a step closer to her. He traces her lips with his finger.

Paralyzed by fear, she just stares up at him. Rachel's mind screams, '_This can't be happening!_' He says, "You won't tell anyone about this, will you?" She slightly shakes her head no. "Good girl. We should go somewhere more private."

A car alarm shrilly sound off down the street. For a second Slade is distracted. That's enough time for Rachel to slip away from his grasp.

Rachel hurries back to the restaurant. Not wanting to draw attention to herself, she slows down once she enters the building. She gives the hostess a nervous smile as she passes her. She doesn't want anyone to know what almost happened. Her stomach churns thinking about what could've happened. She hurries the restroom.

She stares wide eyed at her reflection. Her skin is flushed. Rachel brings a trembling hand to her mouth. '_That didn't …he didn't try to …If that car alarm hadn't gone off how far would it have gone. Would he have …That bastard!_' She slams her fists onto the vanity. "No! I wouldn't let him do that. I'm not completely defenseless. I …I'd never let _that _happen." She shivers at the thought of Slade having his hands on her.

A knock on the door interrupts her thoughts; it's Trigon. "Rach, are you all right? The waiter said you've been in here awhile."

Rachel struggles to keep her voice steady, "I'm okay. I'll be out in just a minute." She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. '_I have to calm down. I can't let on that anything happened. Nothing happened._' She splashes water on her face. Wiping her face dry, her breathing becomes steady. She jumps as her hair slips down onto her shoulder. She chastises herself, "Calm down. You can't be jumpy like that or dad'll know something's up." Rachel fixes her hair and takes several deep breathes before returning to the table.

Only Trigon and Mr. Simmons are at the table. Trigon explains that Slade was called away. Rachel lets out a small sigh of relief; she really didn't want to see him.

Trigon asks her, "What's wrong? Why were you in the restroom for so long?"

Rachel tells them the first thing that comes to her mind. She hopes Kori will forgive her. "I got a text from my friend Kori. She was upset because she's having trouble with her boyfriend. I went to the restroom to call her. I know you don't like me to use my phone at the table."

The dinner ends shortly. All the business details have been taken care of.

As they walk to the car, Rachel stays very close to Trigon. She scans the area but doesn't see anything out of the ordinary. She doesn't see Slade because he's in the shadows watching them.

* * *

A few nights later, Rachel decides to try making dinner. Even though she's had several lessons from Vic's grandma, Gayle, her cooking ability hasn't improved much. She needs to practice and decides spaghetti shouldn't be that hard. Instead of popping a frozen dinner in the microwave, something she's normally does; Rachel begins boiling water for the pasta.

She's adding the sauce to the spaghetti when Trigon comes home. Something must have happened at work because he's in a bad mood. Not wanting to add to his anger, Rachel slowly stirs as he grumbles about work. She sets the table as he goes up to change. When he comes back down, his mood has slightly improved. Rachel hopes it wasn't a bad idea to make dinner.

As they sit down to eat, Rachel remembers the garlic bread in the over. She jumps up to get it. It's a little dark on the edges but she hopes it'll still taste okay.

Rachel watches intently as Trigon takes the first bite. "This is pretty good. Who made this?"

"I did, I just wanted to try something. You really think it's good?"

"Not bad for the first time." Rachel takes a bite. She has to agree with her father. It's not perfect; some of the noodles are a little mushy. She grins. He's right, not bad for her first time.

After a quiet dinner, Rachel decides to do the dishes. She's almost done when a glass slips out of her hand. Time seems to distort. She watches the glass fall in slow motion. Rachel grabs for the glass but can't catch it. How can something seem to move so slow and too fast at the same time? The glass shatters on the floor. Up close, the sound is earsplitting. Rachel's ears ring as she franticly picks up the pieces, occasionally cutting her hands.

She has to hurry. She has to have it picked up before her father gets to the kitchen. She has most of it picked up when he enters. She apologizes while trying to not express any fear. She knows he feeds off her fear. His shoe nudges a good size shard. He picks it up and tells her to come to him. She hesitates. Sensing her anxiety he says, "You missed a piece. I just want to give it to you." Rachel apologizes again as she approaches her father. He says, "Put out your hand." She's uncertain but slowly holds her right hand out to him, palm up.

Trigon's large hand envelops his daughter's diminutive one. He tightens his grip of her hand and pushes her sleeve up. Curiosity and dread fill Rachel's eyes as her father pulls her arm to him. Trigon skims the shard over her forearm. It barely touches her. At first, she doesn't feel anything. He didn't really cut her; he was just trying to scare her. She yelps in pain and stares as a line of red beads up on her fair skin.

Confused, Rachel looks up at her father. Sneering down at her, he seems to be enjoying the fact that he's causing her pain. He goes to draw the glass over her arm again but Rachel tries to pull away. "No. No! _No! _Stop! Ow! Stop please stop! _STOP!_" She's terrified. She pulls with more strength than he thought she'd have. When he finally lets go of her, Rachel cradles her bleeding forearm to her chest...She feels her heart beating like crazy. '_Calm down. I have to calm down. Being this upset will only make it worse._'

"Next time you'll be more careful. Go clean yourself up. And _don't _get blood on anything." He throws the piece of glass away as he leaves the kitchen leaving his daughter staring at him in bewilderment. Why would somebody do that, especially to _their_ child? Rachel's shaken from her thoughts as she feels blood trickle down her arm. She goes to the powder room. She sways some seeing her reflection. The front of her shirt is covered with blood, not drenched but it's more than she's comfortable with. She's afraid to look at her arm afraid of all the blood. She's always hated the sight of blood. Cautiously Rachel lowers her arm. She shoves aside the wave of nausea as she looks at her bloody arm. '_Come on Rachel get control of yourself. It won't help you any if you pass out. It probably looks worse than it is. Stay calm. Please stay calm._'

She washes off her arm and finds that it's not as bad as she thought. Some of the cuts are more like scrapes. Most aren't very deep they only scratched the surface. A couple of the cuts are a little deeper.

Rachel's attending to her injuries, applying ointment and bandages, when Trigon enters the doorway. She freezes, terrified by what he'll do next. "How're you doing?"

"Okay."

"Here, let me help you." He takes her hand. She has to resist impulse to pull her hand away. It reminds her of moments ago when he dug the glass into her flesh. She knows she can't let on that she's afraid. She chants in her mind like a mantra, '_No fear, no fear, no fear …_' Helping her apply the bandages, he feels her pulse still racing. He chuckles, "Remember when you were learning to ride

a bike and fell; you freaked out about a skinned knee."

"Yeah …" '_and you laughed at me. You said any idiot could ride a bike, what was my problem._' "… never really liked the sight of blood."

"Okay, you're all set now. Let's watch a movie maybe a comedy, something to distract you."

Trigon takes his seat on the sofa. Grabbing a remote, he turns on the TV and begins flipping through channels. He pats the space next to him. "Come on. Don't you want to watch a movie?"

Rachel glances at the door. Where would she go if she left? Glancing back to her father she decides that he'd never let her leave. He'd never let their secret become known. Rachel cautiously sits down next to her father. She desperately wants to run to her room but her fear of her father keeps her here.

Occasionally, Rachel glances at her father from the corner of her eye. He seems so normal, he looks normal. His red hair was turning white at his temples but Rachel guesses that makes him look handsome, distinguished. He doesn't look like a guy who would purposely hurt his daughter. '_Why would he do that? Why does he hurt me? I don't know, maybe I deserve it. Maybe it is my fault. I did make him angry. That doesn't mean he has the right to hurt me. Most people can get angry and control it, right? What's going on? Why is it getting worse? Is it alcohol or drugs? Is he going crazy like mom? Am I loosing it? He acts like nothing's wrong. What am I supposed to do? I can handle the insults and a few scratches and bruises. How can I hide all of this when it's getting worse? What would happen if I told someone? No! I can't tell _anyone_ about any of this. No one can ever know._'

Trigon brakes into her thoughts by laughing at the movie. "This is a pretty good movie, right?"

Confused. Rachel looks up at her dad then at the TV screen. "What? Oh, um, it's good." She forces herself to laugh even though she feels like crying.

Seeing that she's distracted, Trigon gives his daughter a slight hug. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm, I'm just …tired."

He smiles, "Too much studying last night?"

"Something like that. Would it be alright if I didn't finish the movie and went to bed early?"

"Sure, no problem. I can record the rest of it if you want me to."

"O-okay, if you want to. I'll watch it later." She remembers that there are still some dishes in the sink. "There are still some dishes to do; I'll do them before I go to bed."

Finding the right remote to record the movie, Trigon says, "Don't worry about it. I'll do it."

"Are you sure? It'll just take me a few minutes."

"Nah, go to bed. Get a good night sleep." He kisses her on top of her head. "Good night."

"Uh, 'night." Rachel goes to bed with tears in her eyes. Minus the blood and pain, this is how she used to dream how things would be.

* * *

The school nurse tends to the quiet girl's injuries. Alice Rogers, Rachel's guidance counselor, is in the room with them. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

Rachel says flatly, "Nothing."

Mrs. Rogers has to resist the urge to sigh. She keeps receiving similar one-word answers from Rachel. She's frustrated with Rachel's lack of expression and silence. She decides to try a different approach. In the principal's office she asks, "Rachel, you're a bright girl. Why would a girl who's smart and pretty want to hurt herself like this?"

Rachel fights to keep her emotions in check. '_I didn't do this. My dad did but I can't say that. No one would believe me. Everyone thinks I'm a freak because of what he did to me._' Angry tears sting her eyes. Rachel quickly wipes away the tears but not before the others notice.

Mrs. Rogers tenderly touches Rachel's shoulder but Rachel pulls away. "Something is wrong or you wouldn't be on the verge of tears. What's wrong? Is it school? Did you have a fight with your friends?" Rachel quickly shakes her head at both questions. "You have boyfriend, right? Is he pressuring you?"

"No. It's nothing. It was just an accident. I didn't mean …" '_it shouldn't have happened and nobody should've found out._'

Mr. O'Donnell, the principal has been observing. "You didn't mean what, Rachel? You didn't mean for it to happen or for people to discover what you've been doing to yourself?"

Insecure, Rachel pulls her sleeves further down over her hands. "This was an accident. I would never hurt myself like this." Even to her own ears, she doesn't sound every convincing.

"Hmm, I think we'll have to monitor you."

Mr. O'Donnell's secretary knocks, then pokes hers head in the door. "Mr. O'Donnell, Mr. Roth is here." Rachel looks up in shock, '_What's he doing here?_'

"Send him in."

Starting to panic, Rachel partially stands up, leaning towards the adults. "You didn't need to call him. I'm okay. I promise I won't cause any more problems. I promise I'll be more careful. I won't let anything like this happen again. I promise, just don't get my dad involved."

"When we have a serious situation with one of our students; it's our responsibility to inform the parents."

Suspicious, Mrs. Rogers wonders aloud, "Why wouldn't you want us to call your father?"

"He's going to be so …'_furious with me._' …disappointed."

Seeing her father enter the room, Rachel slowly sinks down in her chair. The principal stands up, "Mr. Roth, I'm Mark O'Donnell, the principal and this is Alice Rogers, Rachel's guidance counselor."

Trigon shakes hands with the adults. He notices Rachel sitting in a chair; she looks like she's trying to make herself smaller. He can tell she's trying hard not to show any emotions but he can sense how terrified she is. He wonders if she told them about the other night

"Mr. Roth, you're probably wondering why we called you here."

Trigon takes a seat, "I have to admit I am curious. Rachel's never been a problem. Is she in trouble?

Mrs. Rogers says, "Rachel's not in trouble. Well, not in the way you're meaning. Rachel seems to be a troubled young lady. We've discovered evidence that she's been hurting herself."

Trigon glances over at his daughter, causing her to shrink down slightly. '_What do they know? What did you tell them?_' "What do you mean she's hurting herself? Is it drugs?"

Mr. O'Donnell looks over at Rachel. She keeps pulling her sleeves further over her hands while she stares at the floor. "No, it's not that. It appears your daughter has been cutting."

"Cutting, what does that mean?" Trigon asks even though he knows what they're talking about.

"It's very complicated," says Mrs. Rogers. "For some people, cutting or self-harm can be a way of coping with problems. I know that doesn't make sense to us but it can be a way to express feelings you can't put in to words, a way of distraction, or release emotional pain. They feel like it's a way to feel in control."

"So why cutting?" asks Trigon.

Mrs. Rogers gets up and walks around the room. "Teens, like your daughter, sometimes feel the desperate need for relief from bad feelings. They just don't know any other way to express those feelings."

"Rachel's hurting herself because she's sad?"

When Mrs. Rogers puts her hand on Rachel's shoulder, Rachel shrugs it off. "It's more than that. They often feel isolated, that they can't share what they're feeling. Sometimes, they have a mental health problem. Other times they have gone through a traumatic experience. They see cutting as a way to cope."

"Is Rachel cutting as a way to get attention?" 'Y_ou're going to pay for this, my darling daughter._'

Mr. O'Donnell says, "No, she's been doing this in secret, she doesn't want to draw attention to herself."

"She just has a few cuts, right? If they aren't that bad then it's not really serious is it?"

Mrs. Rogers goes back to standing next to Mr. O'Donnell. "It doesn't matter how serious the wounds are. The truth is your daughter's hurting; that's something to be concerned about."

"Does she need to see a doctor about this? Is she … is she suicidal?"

"First of all, let me say, I don't believe Rachel is suicidal." Rachel's counselor says, "She's just attempting to feel better. However, that's how it can be compulsive, the more a person does it the more they feel the need to do it. They may start to feel a false sense of relief. As far as seeing a doctor, it might be good for Rachel to talk to a professional. She needs to figure out what's triggering her to self-injure. She needs to learn other ways to deal with overpowering emotions. Mr. Roth, your daughter's not weak or crazy. She needs help discovering her inner strengths to help her heal. Then she can cope with life's problems in a healthy way."

"Don't judge her, Mr. Roth, that could make things worse. Support her and encourage communication. In Rachel's case, I've noticed she locks many things inside her. Try to get her to talk about herself."

Trigon looks at his daughter in disbelief. '_What did you tell them?_' He feigns concern, "Rach, is this true?"

Rachel remains silent. She wants to sink through the floor, freeze time, anything to get away from these scrutinizing adults.

Mrs. Rogers says, "Rachel, it's okay. We're here to help you."

In her mind Rachel screams, '_You have no idea what kind of help I need._'

Trigon asks, "Are you sure she's doing this to herself? Could it have been an accident?"

Mrs. Rogers says, "Rachel, sweetie, push up your sleeve."

Rachel hesitates but she slowly pushes up her sleeve. She gains nothing by defying them. Everyone sees her bandaged forearm. Only Trigon and Rachel know what really happened. Once they're done analyzing her, Rachel quickly pulls down her sleeve. She hates seeing the bandages. To her, they're a symbol of her weakness.

Rachel sits there as the adults discus her. '_I'm not like the person they're describing. Sure, my life is kinda messed up and _maybe_ I exhibit some of the "symptoms". I'm not gonna physically hurt myself._'

She's brought out of her thoughts when Trigon says, "Thank you for informing me. I had no idea she was so upset." He squeezes his daughter's shoulder as if to comfort her but he squeezes too hard. Rachel refuses to flinch. She knows it's a warning; she's in trouble. Trigon continues, "I'll make sure she sees someone about this. I'm sorry she caused an inconvenience."

Mr. O'Donnell says, "It wasn't an inconvenience. I want all of the students to able to learn. If Rachel's distracted by her problems she can't learn and grow. Every student should be able to do the best to their ability.

As they leave, Trigon thanks the principal and counselor again. His daughter dreads going home and he knows it. They walk through the school in silence. They continue in this manner all the way to the car. Rachel braces herself for the onslaught that she's sure is to come. During the car ride home, there's a false sense of calm coming from Trigon. Rachel knows he must be angry. She wonders what he's planning.

Once they're home, the eerie silence continues. It isn't until they enter the house does Trigon show some of his anger. He slams the front door shut, causing Rachel to flinch slightly. He notices his daughter's action.

Trigon growls, "Get out of my sight. I don't want to see or hear a thing from you." He roughly shoves her towards the staircase. Rachel stumbles up the stairs as she runs to her room.

In her room, she locks her door. She tries to figure out what to do. Sitting on her bed with her knees pulled to her chest, she stares at the floor. She slams the heel of her hand against the side of her head. '_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! How could I have been so stupid? I was so stupid and careless. Did I want someone to find out?_' She stops berating herself to think about that. '_I thought I _was _being careful. Or was I careless on purpose? If someone discovered my secret, they would help me. Wouldn't they? But that's not what happened. Oh, they learned that I'm in trouble but they got it all wrong. They think I'm hurting myself. I'd never do that, hurt myself. At least I wouldn't do something so visible. I'll never let him know how hurt I am. I'm not gonna dad that satisfaction._'

What can she do? Looking at her window a thought enters her mind. '_I could run, leave here. Where would I go? I'm sure he'll come after me. I can't put my friends in the middle of that. If I tell anyone what's happened to me, will they believe me? Of course not. Who's gonna believe _me_? According to dad, I'm just a stupid girl._' She tells herself to stop listening to her father's lies.

Rachel's thoughts turn towards what her punishment might be. If he got upset about a misplaced paper then she knows he's not going to let a major slip up like this slide. Hearing glasses clank downstairs she knows he's getting drunk. She can't help but be filled with dread.

Hearing her father's voice grumble downstairs, she opens her door a crack. It's a one sided conversation. Curious, Rachel goes out into the hall. He seems to be on the phone. She leans over the railing to listen. He's talking about business.

Rachel has a shimmer of hope. Maybe talking about business will tone down his anger some. That fragment of hope is blown apart when Trigon hangs up the phone. He stomps up the stairs. Rachel retreats to her room, locking the door quickly. He stops halfway up the stairs. He bellows, "Rachel, get your ass down here! NOW!" When he doesn't hear her coming down he yells, "You _don't _want me to come up and get you!"

As she slowly goes downstairs, she feels like she's walking into a lion's den. She just gets off the steps when the barrage begins. "What the fuck happened?! What the hell did you tell them?!"

"I didn't tell them anything. They just got this crazy idea."

"Honestly, do you think I'm a fuckin' idiot? They didn't _just_ get that idea! What happened?"

"One of my cuts broke open. I was trying to stop the bleeding and re-bandage it when some girl saw me. I guess she told a teacher. I swear, I didn't say anything."

Furious, Trigon throws his glass of alcohol at Rachel. She ducks as the glass shatters on the wall. What's left of the liquor rains down on her. "You fuckin' bitch! Now they'll be watching you!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean for anything like this to happen. I'm sorry!"

He grabs her by the arm, "You're fuckin' right to be sorry, you little bitch! You think I've been hard on you before? You're gonna hurt like hell when I'm done with you."

He holds onto his daughter with an unyielding grip as he unfastens and pulls his belt off. Rachel tries to pull away but he whips her with his belt. She curls up on herself; her back's to him. She tries to protect her head with her arms. She screams for him to stop. Each strike makes her cry out in pain.

Suddenly Slade rushes in, "Trigon, stop! What the hell are you doing!"

Trigon growls, "She has to be punished."

Slade pushes Trigon away, "You've done enough!" Slade sees Rachel crying, huddled in the fetal position. "You've done enough. She's suffered enough."

Seeing his daughter in this state, Trigon storms out of the room only to return a few minutes later.

Slade offers Rachel a hand to help her up. She cautiously accepts it. Slade says, "Come with me, I think your father needs some time to calm down."

Rachel is suspicious. "What'd you mean come with you?

Slade says, "You two need some time apart. You can't stay here while you're both upset. You're coming to my place while things settle down."

Terrified, Rachel's eyes dart between the two men. She doesn't know what to do. Stay with her father, who just beat her or go with the man who could hurt her. Slade seems to read her mind, "I'm not going to harm you."

At his apartment, the doorman opens the door and says, "Good evening, Mr. Wilson. Might I have a word with you, sir?"

"Rachel, go in and wait by the elevator." After Rachel enters the building, Slade turns to the doorman. "Yes, Wintergreen, what did you want?"

"I know it's not any of my concern, but isn't that girl a little too young for you, sir?"

"You're right. It isn't any of your concern."

"Sir, is she even legal? That girl looks like she can't be more than sixteen." Slade ignores him

Once inside his apartment, her eyes dart around. She's nervous about being alone with him in his place. She jumps when he asks, "How badly did he hurt you?"

Shaking her head she says, "I'm fine." Her actions betray her words when she winces as she puts her hand to her back.

Slade says, "Let me make sure you're all right."

Rachel mutters, "I said I was fine."

He chuckles softly, "Damn, you are stubborn." He goes over to her and starts to lift the back of her shirt.

She spins around and scowls at him, "What are you doing?"

"How else am I supposed evaluated your injuries? Are you going to let me help you?" Rachel continues to glare at him. "Fine, you'll find what you need in the medicine cabinet. The bathroom is the second door on the right. I'll be finishing some work if you need anything."

He leaves Rachel standing alone in his apartment. She looks at the door, tempted to leave. But where would she go? It's not as if she could go home right now. There's no way she could go to her friends; she can't let them know her secret. With a defeated sigh, Rachel slowly walks to the bathroom.

In the bathroom, with the door securely closed, she searches the medicine cabinet for ointment and bandages. This so similar to the events she experienced a few nights ago. Finding them, she sets them at the sink and turns her back to the mirror. Carefully, she lifts the back of her shirt up. She winces at the sight of the welts on her back. Rachel tries several times to apply the ointment on her back. She's not having much luck; either her shirt doesn't stay up or she misses the wound. Frustrated, she sits on the toilet seat. She debates with herself about what to do.

Slade hears her almost childlike voice calling for him. He smiles; he knew she would need his help. He finds Rachel standing in the bathroom doorway. He asks, "Did you need something?"

Averting her eyes, she says quickly with a small voice, "I, um, I need your help."

"What was that?"

Annoyed, she clenches her fists. She repeats in a louder, irritated voice, "I need your help, okay. You were right. I can't do it by myself."

They enter the bathroom. Slade says, "Okay, I'll see what I can do. I need you to take off your shirt."

Her large eyes widen with horror, "W-what? Why?"

"That will be the easiest way for me to tend to your injuries." Seeing how she eyes him suspiciously, he sighs. "We're not going through this again, are we? I'm not going to hurt you."

"You tried to hurt me before."

He says, "I'm not going to do anything while you're injured. If you want my help you'll have to do as I say."

Rachel considers her options, and then says, "Would you please turn around?"

Slade almost laughs at her request. "You don't have anything that I haven't seen before."

Rachel drops her gaze to the floor as her face reddens. She turns _her_ back to him and awkwardly pulls her shirt over her head. She clutches her shirt to her chest.

Slade is amazed at the amount of welts and cuts on the small teen's pale back and arms. Her long-sleeved t-shirt did little to protect her. He notices the bruises forming on her arms. Slade knows about Trigon's temper. Seeing her bandaged arm, he wonders if this isn't the first time he's harmed his daughter. It's not really any of his business so he doesn't say anything.

He pulls washcloth out of a drawer and runs it under warm water. Every move he makes, Rachel watches intently. He signals for her to turn around which she slowly does. She flinches when the damp washcloth touches her skin. Before she can react, he deftly unhooks her bra. She spins around. "What are you doing!"

Wearing a smirk he says, "Would you relax. I already said I'm not going to hurt you. Now turn around if you want me to tend to your injuries."

Clutching her shirt and bra tightly to her chest, Rachel turns around. Slade continues to clean off her abrasions. She grabs the edge of the sink to stabilize herself. She bites her lip, refusing to cry out when he reaches the part of her back that got the brunt of the attack.

She asks, "What were you doing there tonight?"

"What was I doing at your house?" She nods. He begins to put the ointment on. She flinches at his touch. "Trigon was called out of an important meeting and he forgot some paper that he needed. I was just dropping them off when I hear your screams."

Rachel's now shivering. "Thank you. I can handle the rest on my own."

"Let me put some bandages on the worst ones."

She sighs, "Fine." Slade smirks at her stubbornness.

Her shirt smells like alcohol. The smell is sickening to her but she tries to suppress it. Slade notices this. He hands her one of his t-shirts. "Here, change into this. I'll throw your clothes in the wash." Rachel reluctantly takes it. She watches him as he leaves and wonders why he's helping her.

When Rachel enters the kitchen where Slade is, she's painfully aware that she's wearing his shirt. It hangs on her slender form like a dress, almost reaching her knees. She hands him her jeans and shirt. She's exhausted but she doesn't want him to know. Her knees suddenly start to buckle but she clutches the table to for support.

Slade steps up behind her. He takes hold of Rachel's upper arms to support her. "Let me help you."

She weakly says, "Let go. I'm fine. I don't need anymore of _your_ help." After shrugging Slade off, Rachel steps away from the table to prove she's all right. He keeps following her, he doesn't want her to collapse and hurt herself even more. She's half way across the kitchen when she sways slightly. He grasps her arms again. Rachel feebly repeats, "I'm fine."

"You're exhausted. Let me help you."

"No. I-I'm …" Rachel's voice weakens as her head drops and she slumps back against him.

She's vaguely conscious of Slade's actions. He wraps one arm around her, supporting her torso. He bends down to slip his other arm behind her legs. He lifts her up, cradling her against his chest.

Her eyes flutter open. Seeing that she's in his arms, Rachel begins to fight. She pushes against his chest. "No! Put me down!"

"Calm down. Stop making a fool of yourself," he demands. "I'm not going to put you down." The aggravation in his voice causes her to freeze. He sounds angry like her father.

Rachel looks at her petite hands touching his solid chest. Realizing how powerless she is, her hands fall limply to her lap. Clenching her fists, she squeezes her eyes shut. '_He's right. How could I have been so stupid! I came here with him. Nobody's gonna believe me. It'll be my word against his. Oh God, what'd I get myself into? I should've stayed home, maybe dad would've killed me, and then this wouldn't be happening._'

Feeling the teen begin to tremble in his arms, he looks down at her. Seeing her worried expression, Slade says, "I'm not going to hurt you. If I was going to do anything, I've had plenty of opportunities. In fact, I could have taken you several times by now if I'd wanted to."

With heavy eyelids, Rachel glares up at Slade. "How comforting," she mumbles. Her eyes glaze over and she loses consciousness.

Slade carries Rachel to the guest room. He lays the unconscious teen on the bed. While watching her even breathing, several thoughts run through his mind. Deciding to be honorable, he leaves the room.

_Rachel walks home from school. When she gets home, it's almost dark out. She's annoyed to find the front porch light isn't on. Rachel has to search for her keys in her backpack in the dark._

"_Hello, Rachel," says a male voice._

_Rachel jumps. "Mr. Wilson, what are you doing here?"_

_He steps out of the shadows. "Call me Slade. We've known each other long enough to forgo the formalities."_

_Rachel feels uncomfortable about Slade being there. She repeats, "What are you doing here?"_

_He walks over to her. "I'm here to see you."_

_Rachel backs away from him. She lies, "My parents will be home soon." She glances around; she's at her old home._

_Slade chuckles, "Sweet Rachel, we both know your father is out of town for business. And your dear mother, well, she's so out of it she doesn't even know what's going on around her."_

_He keeps walking over to her. When Rachel backs up against the house, she feels trapped. She feels like her pounding heart is going to pop out of her chest. "That's a lie! If she knew you were her she'd make you leave."_

_Slade chuckles, he's amused by Rachel's brave exterior. He puts his hand on her shoulder. Rachel looks down at his hand. When he speaks, she looks up at him. "Having a boyfriend has been good for you. You've bloomed from an awkward little girl to an attractive young woman."_

_Panic fills her eyes when he lifts her chin up towards his face. "I __…__"_

_He puts a finger on her lips. "Shh, don't say anything." He takes a step closer to her. He traces her lips with his finger._

_Paralyzed by fear, she just stares up at him._

_He says, "You won't tell anyone about this, will you?" She slightly shakes her head no. "Good girl. We should go inside where it's more private."_

_Rachel says no and tries to push past him. He grabs her by the shoulders and shoves her against the wall. She continues to try to push him away._

_Slade says sinisterly, "Now Rachel, where are you're manners? Is this anyway to act toward your superior?" _

_He leans down to kiss her; but she ducks, avoiding him. She slips away and runs for safety but Slade chases her. He quickly, catches her and pulls her into an alley. He shoves her against the brick wall; trapping her there. She feels the bricks grate against her back. "You're making this harder than it has to be."_

_Angry, Rachel fights. She pushes him again, with little effect. She growls, "Go to hell."_

_He grabs her slender wrists tightly with one hand. "I'll take you there."_

_He goes to kiss her again but she turns her head. He gets her hair instead. He laughs, "I like a challenge." _

_He lets go of one wrist while holding firm to the other. He takes hold of Rachel's chin. Holding her still, his lips crash down on her. Rachel shakes her head, braking free from the kiss._

_Searching for breath, she screams, "Help! Hel…" _

_Slade clamps his hand over her mouth. He snarls, "Shut up, you little bitch!" _

_Her eyes beg him to let her go. "Do you want me to let you go?" Rachel nods yes. He laughs menacingly, "Too bad I don't want to."_

_Slade grabs her head and pulls her to him, his lips crashing down on hers. Her protests are muffled. She tries to push him off her. Her small fists pound against his broad muscular chest. He tightens his grip on her head. _

_Squeezing her eyes shut, she's terrified. Slade is nothing like she's experienced before. Jason's always been gentle, even when they're passionate. Even Eric, although insistent, wasn't this forceful. She writhes, trying to break free. _

_"Let her go!"_

_Rachel gasps, it's her father. He's here to rescue her._

_Trigon grabs his daughter's arm. "Get over here!"_

_Rachel is pulled repeatedly between the two men. She screams for them to stop. They suddenly stop causing Rachel to fall backwards. _

_They are now in the parking lot by the restaurant. She looks up in horror as he father transforms into a lion. He's a red lion with a reddish black main. He roars as he finishes transforming._

_Slade's now turning into lion. He looks much like her father as a lion only he's black and orange. _

_Their roars are thunderous as they turn to fight one another. Rachel watches in horror as they lash out with claws and teeth. They are so fast; she has trouble keeping them straight. She gasps when one snarls as the other one's claw rips into flesh._

_They turn to her, noticing her for the first time. Rachel backs away slowly, thinking of a way out. The two lions have stopped fighting to follow her. Rachel tries every car door, but they're all locked._

_Her eyes grow large with terror as the lions morph into one. He's a solid black lion that's larger than the others were. One eye is red the other is orange. Seeing the blood lust in it's eyes Rachel turns to run. _

_She runs as fast as she can, darting between cars. She refuses to turn around. She can hear the lion chasing her. She hears it crash onto cars as it leaps from one to another._

_Rachel sees a building up ahead. There are people in the doorway calling her, urging her to run faster._

_She's almost there when a paw catches her leg forcing her to tumble to the ground. She holds up her arm to shield herself. The black lion stands over her. Blood drips from it's mouth. _

_Trembling in fear, Rachel tries to slowly back away. The lion steps on her arm. She cries out in pain. The weight of the lion is unbearable. It looks at her and licks it's lips._

_It opens its mouth to roar. Rachel sees the mouthful of razor sharp teeth, dripping with blood. As it slowly advances towards her, Rachel screams._

Rachel leaps up in bed. It's as if she's just run a marathon; she can barely catch her breath. She's severely trembling as she looks around the room. '_I'm at Slade's place. That was just a dream. Omigod, everything about it felt so real. Why did it feel so real?_'Rachel wipes the sweet from her forehead. '_How did I get in this room?_'

Lying down again, she buries herself under the down comforter. She tells herself she has to stay awake, to stay alert. Curled on her side, staring at the closed door, Rachel feels the tears sting her eyes. She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to keep them from falling. One tear seeps out and slide down her nose. It's soon followed be another. She can't stop the tears they're falling too fast. Curling up into a tighter ball, Rachel gives into her emotions and cries.

* * *

Rachel's stomach growls, reminding her she didn't have much to eat yesterday. Because her back hurt, she slowly gets out of bed. She stops to stare at her bare legs draped over the side of the bed. '_I can't go out there like this, in just a t-shirt. I can't stay in here forever, though._' Searching the room, Rachel doesn't find her clothes. She does find an extra blanket. Wrapping it around her shoulders, she exit's the guest room.

In the kitchen, Slade is sitting at the table reading the newspaper. "Well, look who decided to get up."

"Sorry."

"Did you want some coffee?" Slade asks while reading the paper.

"Do you have any tea?"

"Sorry, just coffee."

"Um, do you have anything to eat?"

"Again, no. I usually eat out."

Rachel's stomach growls softly. "Guess I'll have coffee." She's never had coffee before. She thinks smells all right, but has never wanted to drink it.

Slade sets a mug in front of her. Rachel stares into the steaming mug of dark brown liquid. The steam delivers the strong scent of coffee to her nose. She takes a tentative sip, burning the tip of her tongue. Rachel wrinkles her nose at the pungent flavor. After letting it cool down a bit, Rachel takes several sips. She winces slightly; it's still a little too hot. She hates the taste but feels as if she should drink at most of it.

Rachel glances at Slade. He's still reading the paper. She looks around the kitchen. '_How did I get here? I know _how_ but why are things …going out of control?_' Staring into the ebony liquid, she finds no answers. The coffee has cooled down significantly. She gulps down as much as she can, which is about half of it. It tastes horrible to her; it's harsh, bitter and caustic. Rachel grimaces, it's nothing like her soothing tea.

A low chuckle sounds from behind the newspaper. "Didn't like my coffee? Was it too strong for you? I like my coffee strong and robust. It never occurred to me you not be able to handle it."

"I've never had coffee before. I usually drink herbal tea."

"I hope I didn't turn you off coffee. It's very satisfying. The caffeine running through your body. It's quite invigorating. Try it again sometime, maybe not so strong. Maybe you'd like it sweet; try it with honey. Some people like it sweet; I prefer mine full-bodied."

She doesn't like the way this conversation is going. It doesn't sound like coffee is the subject anymore. Rachel pulls the blanket tighter around herself.

He looks over at her amused, "I didn't think you were so modest."

"I'm cold."

"Your clothes are ready. I'll get them." Slade gets up, leaving Rachel alone again. Remembering her nightmare, she makes sure the blanket is tightly wrapped around her.

Slade returns with her clothes. She says, "Thanks. I know you're probably busy, I'll hurry up and get out of here." She goes back to the guest room to change.

Changing into her clothes is very painful. Her thoughts turn to last night. '_Dad must really hate me. He doesn't seem to want me. Maybe he never wanted me. Everything I do is wrong so I don't know what to do to make things better. Guess I'll just try to stay away from him for awhile._'

Rachel returns to the kitchen fully dressed. "Um, thanks for a place to crash. I'm sure you're busy; I'll go now."

"Don't you have school?"

She shrugs, "Yeah, I'll just walk."

Slade folds up the paper. "Nonsense, I'll drive you."

"No, that's okay. I don't mind walking."

"Damn, are you always this stubborn?" He grabs his keys. "At least let me drop you off closer to school."

Rachel glares at him. She can tell he's not going to let this drop. '_You call me stubborn?_' "Okay, fine, if it'll make you happy."

In the car, they ride in silence most of the time. At stoplight Slade says, "About last night …"

Rachel knew this was coming. "It was nothing. Things just got out of control."

"So your father's never done anything like this before?"

'_Has he every whipped me?_' "No. Like he said, I needed to be punished and things got out of control."

Slade wonders what she could've done to deserve that but he says nothing about it. "The bandages on your arm, he didn't do that to you?"

'_Of course he did that but who's going to believe me?_' "No, I did that myself."

Slade pulls over to the side of the road. "Why would you do something like that?"

"I'm just a stupid teenager."

"Rachel …"

She unbuckles her seatbelt. "Look, thanks for helping me last night. And thanks for giving me a place to stay. You did your good deed by helping me. There's nothing you have to be concerned about. Don't you have more important things to worry about than a teenage girl's stupid problems? I don't need you or anyone else butting trying to fix me." She gets out of the car. "You were in the right place at the right time. I don't owe you anything."

Slamming the door, Rachel walks towards school. She's angry. Angry at her father for hurting her. Angry at Slade for trying to hurt her the other night. Angry at her mother for abandoning her. Angry at her friends for not seeing what's right in front of their eyes. Angry with her teachers for seeing it but getting it all wrong. Most of all she angry with herself for letting all of this happen.

Seeing the high school come into view, she stops. '_Great! Just what I need, another day of hell._'

* * *

***Thanks Google for the translations. **

_**En Saison **_**= In Season **

_**Parlez-vous français? **_**= Do you speak French? **

_**Un peu, je parle un peu. **_**= A bit, I speak a little bit. **

_**C'est très bon. **_**= That's very good.**

_**En quelle année êtes-vous étudier?**_** = What year are you studying?**

_**Je suis dans ma duexieme année.**_**I'm in my second year.**

_**Très bon**_**. = Very good. **

_**Le français est une si belle langue. **_**= French is such a beautiful language.**

_**N'avez-vous pas d'accord? **_**= Don't you agree?**

_**Oui**_** = Yes.**

_**Souhaitez-vous dire chose en français?**_** = Would you say something in French? **

_**Je vous remercie de m'avoir invite a diner. **_**= Thank you for inviting me to dinner.**

_**Le restaurant est magnifique. **_**= The restaurant is beautiful. **

_**Tout comme vous mon petit oiseau. **_**Just like you, my little bird.**

**Augh! My mind's being overrun by annoying plot bunnies! I'm trying to focus on S.A.M. but I now have three …no four …no five …I have at least five stories in my mind. They keep multiplying. Omigod, is that another one? I can't keep them straight. I can't even remember all of them running rampant in my noggin. I don't even know if some of them will see the light of day. It's so frustrating! So many thoughts …ideas …GRRR! *shaking fist* Those darn plot bunnies!**

**Oh-kay, anyway …thank you for reading. This chapter had more action, what'd ya think? Comments and/or suggestions welcomed.**


	15. Chapter 15: Made of Scars

**Songs About Me**

**Wow 50+ reviews so far. Thanks. =D**

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own Teen Titans, Stone Sour or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 15: Made of Scars**

* * *

**"**_**This one was my father's / And this one you can't see / This one had me scared to death / But I guess I should be glad I'm not dead**_**"-Made of Scars, Stone Sour**

* * *

Almost two weeks have passed since Rachel's run in with her dad and Slade saved her. Physically, she is healed but emotionally, that'll take longer. She handles her father by avoiding him as much as possible. When she does have to be around him, they don't talk about what happened. It's almost as if nothing happened. She hates when he ignores their fights. She doesn't want to discuss it to death but she wouldn't mind an apology. Rachel decides she'll have to settle for no arguments or fights for a while; maybe that's his way of apologizing.

Some of her teachers and especially her guidance counselor annoy Rachel. They are extra or overly concerned about her. They keep asking questions, trying to get her to open up to them. Rachel keeps her answers short. She just tells them what they want to hear. She hopes they'll stop questioning her; find someone else to bother. When her grades start improving, they back off her some.

She's a little distant with her friends but not enough that she thinks any of them notice. She's also a little jumpy around them. Kori notices this and asks about it. "Rachel, why are you like a rabbit around us?"

Everyone's confused by what Kori said. Rachel asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well, you seem extra jumpy when someone comes up behind you. You make sure to stand or sit with your back to the wall. Why is that?"

Gar says, "Yeah, when Wally tapped you on your back about a week ago, you nearly jumped out of your skin. What gives?"

Rachel remembers that happening. '_I was just beaten by dad and my back was sore. Wally scared the hell out of me. It wasn't a tap; it felt more like a slap and it hurt like crazy. It was like slapping someone on the back when they have a sunburn. You just don't do that. But they didn't know. They can't know._' "I just don't like people sneaking up on me."

"I don't think he snuck up in you," Gar says, thinking back. "I think he was just coming over to say hi."

Rachel glares at him a moment before speaking. "Fine, whatever. I have to go to class."

They watch her hurry down the hall. Gar says, "Dude, what's her problem?"

"Rachel is very …complicated."

"I get that. But why does she always seem angry? I thought she was our friend."

After school, Kori finds Rachel alone in the library. She asks, "Rachel is anything wrong?"

Rachel glares up at her friend. She says flatly, "No, why?"

"Well, it is just that, um …"

"Kori, what is it?"

"Oh, you just seem a little more stressed than usual. Is there anything wrong?"

The dark-eyed girl contemplates telling her friend for a fraction of a second. "It's nothing." She tries to go back to her book but Kori is still standing there. "Was there something else you wanted?"

"Okay, well," Kori taps her fingers together. She looks hopeful and unsure. "You do not by any chance have any plans tonight, do you?"

Rachel shakes her head. "No, Jason's busy so I was just going to stay home and read some, why?"

"Oh good, I too do not have plans. Richard has a family thing to do. Would you like to come over to my house tonight?"

"I don't know, Kori."

"Why is that? We could have much fun. We could partake in girl talk and the braiding of each other's hair." Seeing that her friend doesn't look happy Kori tries another suggestion. "Um, makeovers?" Rachel still looks skeptical. "You could paint a design on my wall like you promised?"

With a sigh she relents, "Okay, as long as it's alright with your uncle and my dad, I guess I'll come over. But I don't want you braiding my hair." Kori wears a wide grin while they go to their respective lockers to gather their books.

All the way to Rachel's house, Kori chatters about what they can do. Rachel reminds her not to get her hopes up. "I still have to ask my dad. He might not let me go to your house." She hopes it won't be like the last time Kori was at her house.

Rachel's in luck, the house is empty. She checks the messages, nothing for her, of course. She calls her father's office. His secretary, Liz, says, "He's in a meeting right now. While I have you on the line, he wanted me to call you and tell you he'll be out of town this weekend. He'll be leaving tonight."

"_Another_ business meeting?"

"Yes, as you know your father's quite busy. Did you need anything?"

"Uh …no, just let him know I'll be over at my friend, Kori Anders' house and that it's okay with her uncle. If he needs me he can call my cell."

"All right, I'll give him the message."

Rachel hangs up the phone. '_He's going out of town again. He's doing that a lot lately. Like she said, he is busy but he wouldn't be avoiding me. Or is he seeing someone?_'

"Is everything alright, Rachel?"

Rachel's pulled out of her thoughts, "No, um I mean yeah, things are okay. My dad has another business meeting. He's had a lot of those lately."

"Then I guess that means you can come over." Kori smiles broadly and Rachel returns a much weaker form to her friend.

They stop off at a store to pick up some more colors. Kori likes the silver Rachel used on her walls but she also wants other pastels. When they get to Kori's house, Rachel has her ask Galen if it's all right for her to paint on the walls. Kori pulls out her phone and shows him a picture of Rachel's walls. He likes what Rachel did so he agrees. Going up to Kori's room, Rachel asks, "When'd you take that picture?"

Kori hurries ahead to her room. "I took it when you were gathering your paints and brushes. Do not be upset. I thought you would want me to ask my uncle and I wanted to show him what you could do. I will delete it after you paint my walls. That way if I want something like you have I on your wall I can show you. You are not mad at me are you?"

Sighing Rachel tells her she's not mad. "Just remember to delete it. I don't really like pictures of my room being out there."

"Could I take pictures of my room and show people?

They enter Kori's room. "Sure, it's your room." Rachel blinks and has to take a step back. There is no mistaking this is Kori's room. "Wow, that's a lot of pink."

Kori grins, "Yes, it is my favorite color. Since as a redhead I cannot always wear it attractively, I have painted my room pink."

In her dark colors, Rachel stands out in the pink room. It's the color of strawberry milk. Pink and purple are on the bed and windows. Stuffed animals fill the room. Rachel repeats, "That's a lot of pink."

"It is called, um, 'thank you berry much'_,_ is that not super cute?"

"Very. Where did you want me to paint?"

Kori thinks a moment. "Ooo, could you paint something around the windows?"

"How about stars?"

Kori jumps up and down while clapping. "Yes! Stars would be perfect."

They chat about all sorts of things while Rachel paints. The main topic is boys, Richard and Jason to be specific. Rachel's glad that Kori and Richard are happy going out together. When it's dark enough to turn on the lights, Kori suggests Rachel stay for super. Hungry, Rachel agrees. "Marvelous, we can make pizzas."

When Kori's pulling ingredients out of the fridge, she notices a bowl of leftover mashed potatoes. Kori calls out, "Uncle Galen, could we use the mashed potatoes?"

He peeks the kitchen. "Sure, use whatever you want.

Rachel raises an eyebrow. "We're not going to use that for our pizzas, right?"

Kori laughs, "No, of course not, that would be silly. Would you hand me the mustard?" Rachel picks up a huge jar of mustard with both hands and hands it to her. Who knew it came in a gallon-size jar.

The girls assemble their pizzas. Rachel's is normal. It has pizza sauce, sausage, peppers onions and cheese. Once more Rachel raises an eyebrow as she watches Kori spread mustard instead of pizza sauce on her crust. Kori continues with hamburger, cheddar and mozzarella cheeses. As she finishes it with slices of pickles Rachel asks, "Uh, Kori, what kind of pizza is that?"

"It's a cheeseburger pizza. Do you want a slice?"

"No, but thank you. I've never heard of putting mustard or pickles on a pizza."

Kori giggles, "I guess I got the pickle thing from my dad. The mustard thing that is all mine. I just love mustard. I put it on just about everything. I think if I could, I would put it on ice cream."

Rachel wears a disgusted look on her face. This makes Kori laugh harder. "I've never really noticed that but now that I think about it, you always seem to have a bottle of mustard near by."

After putting their pizzas in the oven, Kori asks, "While they are cooking, would you like to make some candy?"

"Okay, how?"

"We already have one ingredient out." Kori points to the bowl of mashed potatoes.

"Seriously? We're going to make candy from mashed potatoes?"

Giggling, Kori says, "Yes, we just have to mix in a lot of powdered sugar until it becomes like dough. I like to put in peppermint flavoring. Roll it into little balls and dip them into melted chocolate. Ooo, they are so yummy."

"Potatoes, sugar and chocolate? Seriously? Where do you get some of these ideas?"

"I used to make these candies with my mom and granny. Trust me they taste very good. I would not lie to you, would I?"

After dinner, they go back to Kori's room. Rachel finishes the stars on the walls. She painted all sizes and shapes of stars around Kori's windows and her mirror. She either mixed a pearlized white to the pastels or enhanced them with silver. Either way, the stars shimmered on the walls. Kori dances around her room, clapping.

Rachel says dryly, "So, I guess you like it."

"Like it? I love it." Kori pulls her friend into a hug.

Rachel just stands there, not returning the hug. "Kori, let me go."

Kori lets go of Rachel. "I am sorry, I got too excited. Oh, I must go get uncle so he can see your artwork." Kori runs out of the room giggling.

Rachel shakes her head; Kori is so enthusiastic about everything. Rachel can't help but wonder if she'd be more like Kori if things had turned out differently.

* * *

Thursday morning, Rachel and Terra bump into each other before school. Terra mutters under her breath, "Bitch."

Rachel stops her. "What did you just say?"

Terra glares at her before speaking. "Nothing, just watch where you're going. You're not the only person in the world you know." Terra turns to leave and mutters bitch once more.

Again, Rachel stops her. "What is your problem? You've acted like you don't like me since we met."

"Who's acting? Well, I only act when the others are around. I tolerate you because _they_ seem to like you. God knows why?"

Rachel's confused, what brought this on. "Okay, so you don't like me. I'm not exactly your biggest fan. Why don't we just avoid each other as much as possible?"

Terra smirks, "Oh yeah, I'm sure you'd like that. Pushing me aside so you could be with them."

"I didn't say …"

"Of course you did. You want to push me aside because you think you're better than I am. You have a rich daddy and he can give you anything you want."

"My dad has nothing to do with this. He probably doesn't even like my friends but I don't care."

Terra scoffs, "Yeah, right, you're all about your daddy's approval. At least that's what Kitten said."

Hearing her former friend's name, Rachel's eyes narrow. "Don't believe anything _she_ says about me. She has her own reasons for spreading rumors about me."

"Really are they rumors? Cuz I heard our friends only have you around because the pity you."

"That's not true and you know it."

"You're pitiful, you that. I think they can sense how pathetic you are. They can sense you need to be accepted. Why is that? Is it because your daddy doesn't love you? Does he hurts poor little pathetic Rachel's feelings?"

Rachel yells, "Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about."

Terra takes a step back and fakes surprise. "Ooo, would you look at that. Poor little Rachel's showing some emotion. I better watch out or she'll explode or something."

"Shut up! You don't know anything about me."

The blonde leans forward, her blue eye filled with hatred. "Really? According to Kitten, you're mom's a real basket case. You'll probably end up just like her."

"Liar!" Rachel goes for Terra, ready to fight. They shove each other.

"Hey!" Vic calls out. "Stop fighting!" The two girls stop. Karen, Richard and Kori are with him. Vic stands between them and asks, "What's going on? Why are you two fighting?"

Terra looks up at him with large blue eyes. She looks like an innocent angel. "I don't know what's going on. I don't think Rachel likes me but I don't know why."

Rachel glares at Terra. She can't believe she's putting on this act and her friends might believe her. "She's lying. She started this."

Rachel stares in amazement as Terra's eyes fill with tears. "See, she doesn't like me. I don't know why? I've never done anything to her. I've always tried to be nice to her."

"Liar," growls Rachel.

Vic puts his hand up between the two girls. "Okay, I think we need a time out. Everyone just needs a little space." He forces each of them to take a few steps back. Kori and Richard are by Terra while Karen and Vic stand near Rachel.

Kori tries to calm down Terra. Terra tells her friends she'll be okay. Terra pulls out her phone and sends a text to somebody.

Karen and Vic are trying to find out from Rachel what's really going on. Rachel tells them it's nothing. She's about to tell them she's sorry when her phone beeps, she has an incoming message. Opening her phone, she sees it's from Terra. Curious, she glances at Terra before reading the message.

"_Even Jason pities u. He's 1ly w/ u coz he thinks he shd B. U cnt giv him w I cn. W w%d u sA f I tld u I'd bn w/ yr bf. Hw pathetic._"

Rachel reads it once more. She can't believe what it said. Could Terra really have slept with Jason? She glances at the blonde who smirks at Rachel.

Shaking, Rachel's blood is boiling. Could she be right? Rachel leaps towards Terra. "You bitch! You lying bitch!" Vic grabs Rachel around her waist sending her dark hair flying forward. Rachel struggles to get out of his arms. "Let me go!"

"Not if you don't calm down. Can you do that?"

"Let me at that bitch!" Not getting the answer he wanted, Vic spins Rachel around and throws her over his shoulder. "Put me down! _Now!_"

Vic holds tight to Rachel as she struggles. "Not doing, not till you calm down. I think you need some fresh air." He carries the writhing girl out the closest door.

"Okay, we're outside. Now put me down!"

"Not happening. You need to settle down. The more you struggle, the longer I hold you like this. The longer you keep making a scene."

Rachel looks around and sees everyone looking their direction. Admitting defeat, she lets out a sigh and goes limp.

"You gonna try and be calm?" He receives a soft yes from the girl over his shoulder. Slowly and carefully, he sets Rachel back onto her feet. "You okay, Rae? What's going on?"

Before she can say anything, Karen, Kori, Richard and now Gar show up. Karen says, "Girl, what's your malfunction?"

"We are all friends and friends should not fight."

"Yeah," says Gar, "You'd you try to attack Terra like that?"

Rachel looks at them trying to decide what to say. They all look like they want answers. Rachel wonders, '_Do they really want to know what happened or have they already made up their minds? I don't like or trust her but they do. Have they already sided with Terra?_" Richard interrupts her thoughts, "Rachel?"

"It was nothing. Sorry." She misreads them. She thinks they're angry when they're concerned. She repeats that she's sorry before leaving for her first class. As she walks down the hall, some students whisper about her. She hates feeling everyone's eyes on her. She spends the rest of her day avoiding eye contact with anyone.

* * *

The last bell rings and the students pour out of the school. By now, everyone has forgotten about the fight between Rachel and Terra. Rachel rushes to her locker. She just wants to get away from people; she's tired of everyone. Someone calls out her name, causing her to jump.

Vic says, "Hey, Rae. A bunch of us is going to get some ice cream. Wanna come?"

"No, I should probably go home."

He sighs, "C'mon, Rae, Terra's not gonna be there. She can't come so you don't have to worry about getting in another fight. Look, sorry about this morning. We heard what Terra said about your mom. That's just not cool."

Rachel shrugs, "Whatever, it doesn't matter."

Vic looks at his friend. She looks like she's worried. He asks, "Rae is there something wrong? It's more than just this morning. What's wrong?"

Rachel glances up at Vic; he's like a brother to her. A part of her wants to tell him that her father hits her. Maybe Vic could help; maybe he could make the abuse stop. At the same time, she is ashamed; she doesn't want anyone to know about it. For a moment, their eyes are locked, each searching for answers. Rachel looks away and says, "Um, I, I don't have any money."

Vic says, "That's okay. I have enough for both of us." Rachel still looks unsure. He says, "How about I give you some money now so no one will know. Come on Rae, we just wanna have some fun."

Rachel shrugs her shoulders and says, "I guess it wouldn't hurt."

Vic smiles and he puts his arm around her shoulder as they go to meet the others. Rachel calls home and leaves a message that she will be home later.

At the ice cream shop, everyone searches for his or her flavor. Rachel spots one and smiles. "Ooh, they have chocolate peanut butter fudge."

Gar nudges her, "So that's your favorite?"

Her smile fades. She tells the clerk, "I think I'll have a small cone of vanilla, please."

After getting his wild-berry-crunch soy-milkshake, Gar sits next to Rachel. He asks her, "So, if chocolate peanut butter fudge is your favorite then why'd you get vanilla?"

"I always get vanilla. Who said that other one was my favorite flavor?"

"You did. You're eyes lit up. You were kind of excited."

Rachel rolls her eyes, "It's just stupid ice cream. Nothing to get excited about."

Frustrated, Gar sighs. "Why do you always do that?" She looks at him confused. "Anytime somebody points out that you're having any fun; you get, I don't know, pissy. Why do you have to be so moody? Can't you just lighten up a little?"

Frowning, she mutters, "Maybe it was a bad idea, me coming here? I'll just ruin everyone's fun."

"Rachel …"

"Well, that's what I seem to do. That's basically what Terra said." She goes to get up but Gar blocks her way.

"Rachel, don't go. Don't worry about Terra. We're your friends. We want to hang out with you. _I_ wanna hang out with you. We just wanna have fun but you always seem moody. We're here having ice cream. How can you be mad about ice cream? I'm not saying you need to change, just like I said, lighten up some."

While Gar is speaking, she stares at her ice cream. She has a memory of when she was a little girl. It's a happy memory-she was in the park with her parents eating ice cream; everyone was happy, everything was perfect. She wishes she could be like the little girl she used to be. "Sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry. I just don't like my friends being down, specially on themselves. Will you stay?"

Rachel thinks it over a moment. She nods just as Gar takes a bite of his soy-milkshake. Pleased, he smiles a berry-colored grin. "Boys." Rachel rolls her eyes and shakes her head, but has a slight smile on her lips.

* * *

Karen says, "Oh, I've got a story." Everyone's been telling stories and laughing. "I was at work one night last week putting things away. This lady comes up and just hangs around. Of course, I ask her if she needs any help, even though I don't want to. She says, 'No, I was just looking at your rack.' I was thinking what the hell; this sixty-year old lady is looking at my rack."

Vic laughs and says, "Yeah, that's for me to do."

Karen playfully shoves him. "Shut up, let me tell my story. Anyway …she was like, 'I have a rack like that too. Mine was pretty expensive but I like yours too.' I was like, 'no you don't and stop looking at mine.' It turns out she was talking about the thing the clothes were on. She wasn't even looking at me."

Laughing, Rachel's surprised she is actually enjoying herself. She's glad she decided to stay. Rachel just listens and laughs softly. Things seem normal and she loses track of time. She suddenly realizes it's getting late. She was supposed to be home hours ago.

She quickly jumps up and says, "Sorry guys, I have to go. I needed to be home a long time ago."

Gar says, "Do you want one of us to go with to make sure you get home safe?"

Rachel shakes her head and says, "Thanks, but I need to go now. I'll be fine; it's not too far. See you guys later."

Rachel hurries home. The last few blocks she runs. By the time she gets home, it is dark out. The house is dark. There's no sign of her father. '_Where is he?_'

She sets her backpack by the door. She turns on the lights. She jumps, seeing her father was sitting in the dark in the family room. Catching her breath she says, "You startled me. Why were you sitting in the dark?"

He simply says, "You're late."

Rachel says, "I'm sorry. I called and left a message that I was going to be with my friends."

Her father says, "That's not good enough. You were to come home right after school today. I had set up a meeting for us to meet with your guidance counselor."

She repeats, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

He stands up and takes a step towards her. Worried, Rachel backs up. "Are you calling me a liar?" He knows there was no such meeting.

Rachel shakes her head. "No, no I'd never do that." She can tell he's getting agitated. She searches for a way out. "I just didn't remember. I guess I forgot." She glances to the door. Realizing she might run, he takes a few steps and blocks the door. "I promise I won't let it happen again. I'm sorry."

He quickly closes the space between them. He says, "You're right to be sorry." He strikes her face. "_Never_ call me a liar."

After brushing her hair off her face, her hand goes up to her tingling cheek. Rachel stares at her father in disbelief. He's hit her face only once and it wasn't this hard. She has always assumed he doesn't hit her face because the bruises would be too hard to hide. Rachel can feel her skin swelling.

She backs away from him. Knowing she has to protect herself, she tries to think of anything that might help. Without taking her eyes off her father, Rachel's hand frantically searches the countertop behind her.

"What were you doing all this time?"

Her hand encounters something heavy.

Trigon continues to slowly advance. He's amused by his daughter's fear.

"We just talked."

"What did you tell them?

Rachel tries to keep the fear out of her voice. "N-nothing. I-I don't tell anyone anything. I just listen." She tries to ignore the throbbing of her cheek. As he gets closer, she wraps her hand around the handle of a skillet. She doesn't really want to hurt him; just scare him off.

Trigon snarls, "Liar. You probably told them what I do to you when you're disobedient. I don't like to do it," he sneers, "but you give me no choice."

He goes to hit her again but Rachel swings the skillet. It hits him on the shoulder. They stare at one another in disbelieve. Neither one can believe she just did that.

"Bitch," he growls, "You'll pay for that."

Rachel tries to use the skillet as a shield but Trigon wrenches it from her hands. Terrified that he'll hit her with it, she cowers down. Instead, he throws the skillet across the room. The crash echoes in her ears.

Rachel backs up; searching the kitchen for anything she can defend herself with. Seeing the knife block, Rachel surprises herself. '_A knife, really? I don't want to hurt him; I just need a chance to get out of here. Guess I can toss the knife once I get away. Where will I go? Omigod! He's coming! Can I really do this?_' In a split second decision, Rachel grabs a knife. The tang of the blade leaving the wooden block resonates through the kitchen. Holding it in front of her she warns, "Stay back."

Trigon stops in his tracks. "What the hell are you doing? Put that down."

Rachel warns again, "Stay back. Leave me alone." She slowly backs out of the kitchen with Trigon following her.

"You're crazy just like your damn mother."

Keeping her eyes on her father, she makes her way passed the stairs, towards the door. She's almost there, just a few feet to go. The shrill ring of the phone breaks the silence, distracting both of them for a second.

Rachel's concentration wavers some when Vic's voice comes on the machine, "Hey, Rae, just checkin' …"

Trigon takes this opportunity and grabs her wrist, knocking the knife out of her hand. It clatters onto the floor like the skillet. "You are no match for me little girl."

Struggling to free her wrist, Rachel searches for a way out.

"You know it's wrong for a daughter to lie to her father." His voice is calm. He doesn't sound angry at all. He speaks as if they're discussing what to get for groceries. Rachel's almost more terrified by his tone than by what he's saying. "I know you went to see that bitch. What did she tell you? What did that bitch, Angela say about me?"

'_How does he know?_' "I, I don't know …"

"Liar!"

Rachel's eyes grow wide with fear. She knows she has to get away from him. She slams her body against his, throwing him off balance for a second. It's long enough for her to break free. She runs for the stairs. He runs after her.

He grabs her arm and shoves her into the wall.

"Stupid bitch! You'll pay for all your stupid little stunts." He hits her stomach hard. Rachel doubles over in pain.

Rachel tries to get away but he hurls her onto the staircase. The wind is knocked out of her.

"Get up!" he demands. He grabs her by her hair and pulls her upright. "You honestly think you can ever get away from me?"

He strikes her face again, harder this time. She cries out as her lip splits.

"I have power over you. I control everything about you. Never forget that!" He hits her with every sentence just to make his point.

She tries to defend herself and push him away. He roughly grabs her left arm. His hand clamps onto her recently healed wrist. She screams in pain.

He slams his daughter into the wall. Rachel cries out as her shoulder crashes into the mirror.

Rachel tries to get away.

He grabs her and traps her against the wall by pinning his arm across her shoulders and neck. She can't escape.

He gets right in her face and begins yelling. He roars, "You're so worthless! Stupid! How could you be so stupid! You keep making the same _stupid _mistakes! You keep making me angry!"

Trembling, Rachel whimpers, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm…"

"Shut up!" he yells. He grabs her neck. Rachel gasps for air as he throttles her. Her fingers frantically dig at his hands, trying to break free. Her eyes are pleading for him to let her go.

Fighting for air, Rachel whimpers, "Daddy …please …_stop_!"

Trigon loosens his grip on Rachel's throat. Still holding her, he pulls his free arm back. He positions his fist to punch his daughter in the face. Rachel's eyes grow large with fear. Quickly she squeezes her eyes shut. She tries to brace herself against the pain of her father's fist on her face.

He yells, "_STUPID BITCH!_" He slams his fist into the wall next to Rachel's head. She cringes away from him.

He lets go of her. Rachel drops to her knees. Her breathing is shaky and she's in shock. She doesn't want to make him angrier so she suppresses her tears.

She cautiously puts a hand to her face. When she pulls her hand back, she gasps seeing her blood on her hand. Hearing this, Trigon goes over to comfort or at least check on his daughter. She automatically recoils in fear.

Annoyed by her reaction, he repeats, "I control everything about you. I have power over you. _Never_ forget that! _You _can never stop me. If you ever tell _anyone_ about this I will give you a beating to end everything." Trigon looks around at the mess they've made. "I'm leaving. I want this mess cleaned up before I get back." He mutters to himself as he leaves, "Worthless bitch. She's just like her damn mother." He slams both the front and the car doors. Rachel flinches each time.

She wipes her bloody nose on her torn sleeve, hoping it will stop soon. She slowly gets up, surveying the damage. Most of it's not too bad. As she picks up the mess, Rachel catches her reflection in a broken mirror. She sees seven reflections; each one seems to get progressively worse. Her long hair is disheveled. Blood is smeared on her face because of her lip and nose, which are swollen. She doesn't think her nose is broken. Her left cheek is red and swollen. A bad bruise already forming. She finishes cleaning the main floor. Then cleans herself up some and tends to her injuries.

She doesn't know how long her father will be gone. Rachel does know she doesn't want to see him. She's afraid to leave; she doesn't know where she would go.

So she goes to her room and locks the door. She wraps the blanket around herself. She curls up on her bed. Now that she feels safe in her room, everything that has happened tonight hits her. She breaks down crying. The house is quiet except for the sound of Rachel's quiet sobs.

Trigon comes home a few hours later. He turns on a light and looks around. There's no sign of a fight. He sighs, '_I don't _want _to hurt my daughter but she makes me so angry. If she would stop making me angry, I would stop hitting her. Angela's been gone for almost four years. Rachel is such a handful. I do what I have to do to keep her under control. Sometimes I don't know what to do with her. If her mother was still here …well, then there would be two of them.' _

He decides to go check on Rachel. He goes to open the door but it is locked. "Damn girl", he growls. He fiddles with the doorknob, breaking the lock. He sees her asleep in her bed. He leaves her room and goes to get some sleep himself.

Trigon wakes up a few hours later. Again, he goes to check on his daughter; she's still asleep. He watches her sleep. He brushes aside a lock of her hair. He catches sight of the bruise on her cheek. Trigon glances around her room and realizes he knows nothing about his daughter.

Rachel groans and stirs some. She's starting to wake up. Rachel starts to move but everything hurts. In pain, she groans.

Trigon says, "Finally, you're awake. Thought you'd be asleep all day. I don't have …"

Rachel's eyes fly open. Her mind races_, 'What! He's here? How? I locked the door. I know I locked the door. I must have locked it. I always do. Maybe I forgot. Or he broke the lock. He broke the lock! That means he can come in my room whenever he wants. No! How do I stop him? How! I, I can't. I can't stop him. He's talking to me. I have to calm down and listen. It will just make him angry to know I wasn't paying attention to him. Calm down. I need to be calm. I can't show him fear. Calm. Calm.'_

Trigon continues, "You're so 'upset' after last night; I called the school. I told them you're sick. Since today's Friday and this is a three day weekend; you should be better by Tuesday."

Rachel hasn't moved a muscle, but her body starts to tremble. She knows he wants a response. Trying to keep all emotions from her voice she stutters, "Th-th-thank you." She mentally scolds herself for showing some fear.

Trigon smirks; he enjoys knowing his daughter is afraid of him. "You don't leave the house and no one comes here, understand?"

Rachel quickly says, "Yes sir." Her mind screams, _'Go! Leave! Just go away! Leave me alone! GO!'_

Trigon leaves. He shuts the door with the now broken lock. Rachel doesn't move until she hears her father's car leave the driveway.

She starts to get up, but cries out in pain. Her side hurts. She didn't realize it before but it hurts every time she breathes. Rachel groans painfully. Her ribs are bruised. She knows from doing research for a school project; nothing will really help.

She's in pain with every breath. She lies back down. She's in so much pain. She tries not to cry. She tries to breathe normally. Soon Rachel falls asleep again.

The ringing phone wakes Rachel. She hears the answering machine come on. She can't tell what the message is. Rachel has no idea what time it is. She notices she's a little hungry. Gingerly, Rachel gets out of bed. Her alarm clock reads _2:17_. She's surprised she slept so long. She feels like a wreck.

Slowly, Rachel goes downstairs. Every step, actually every breath is painful. She sees herself in a mirror; she looks awful. She's glad she was able to stay home from school. There's no way she could have hidden this. There's a cut on her forehead. Her cheek is reddish-purple and swollen, as is her lip. She's startled to see the ring of discoloration around her neck. She shutters remembering her father's hands around her throat.

In the kitchen, she gets herself some toast, a glass of apple juice and some aspirin. She also grabs an ice pack and holds it to her cheek. While eating, Rachel checks the answering machine. She scowls hearing Vic's voice come on the machine; it's from last night. "Hey, Rae, just checkin' to make sure you got home alright. You don't have to call me back. Just checkin'."

The next one is for her father. The third one is from Kori.

Kori's chipper but concerned voice comes on. She says, "Hi Rachel. How are you feeling? We hope you are not too sick. I will get your homework assignments. Hope you feel better soon. Bye." Despite feeling awful, Rachel smiles to herself.

The following message is from Gar. He says, "Hey Rae-chel. Hope you're feelin' better. If you need anything just let us know." Over his shoulder, he calls out-"I'm talkin' to Rae. Ok I'm coming. Sorry Rae gotta get to class. Feel better." Rachel slowly shakes her head. Gar's sweet but dorky.

The fifth message is for her father about work. It's from Slade. Rachel involuntarily shudders.

The final message is from Kori again. She says, "Hi Rachel, it is me again. I forgot to tell you I would be over to your house a little after six. I hope that is okay. If it is not, give me a call. Hope you feel better soon. Toodle-oo." Rachel sadly smiles at Kori's enthusiasm. A part of her wishes she could go back to being like that.

Tired, Rachel goes back to bed and sleeps until Trigon comes home. He checks in on her. She's awake but lays there listless. He seems to be concerned when he asks her how she's doing. This surprises her. He did this to her, he hurt her and now he's worried about her. '_I'll never understand him._' She tells him, "I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me." He studies her a moment before leaving. Rachel lets out a shaky breath of relief.

About a half hour later, she hears the doorbell ring. It's Kori with Rachel's homework. Rachel hears another voice; it's Vic. She frowns; they've both had a glimpse of her father's temper. Do they suspect anything?

Rachel carefully gets out of bed. She goes out to the hall. At the top of the stairs, she hears the end of their conversation. Trigon thanks them for bringing the homework and her friends hope she feels better soon.

She goes to the window at the end of the hall. She watches them get in the car. '_Don't leave me._' Rachel can't help but feel like she's in one of her childhood storybooks. She feels like she's trapped in a castle with and ogre guarding her. Rachel leans her forehead against the cool glass as she watches them drive away. As she strains to see the last of Vic's car she whispers, "Don't leave me."

* * *

**Rhetorical question: Why does no one notice me until I've done something wrong? All that I've done right; do you see that? **_**No-o-o-o. **_**I make a small mistake and they pounce on me. Augh! It's so frustrating. Sorry, don't answer that. **

**Hope you didn't think this completely sucked. If you did think so, then …oh well …**


	16. Chapter 16: Breathe No More

**Songs About Me **

**Surprise! Here's a special treat; second day, second chapter. This is kinda part two of the previous chapter. Enjoy. Don't get used to it. ^_^**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: Don't Titans, Evanescence or lyrics. Don't really own anything.**

**Chapter 16: Breathe No More**

* * *

"_**I've been looking in the mirror for so long / That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side / Oh, the little pieces falling / Shatter shards of me / Too sharp to put back together / Too small to matter / But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces / If I try to touch her / And I bleed, I bleed / And I breathe, I breathe no more"**_** -Breathe No More, Evanescence**

* * *

Rachel is alone in her room. Actually, she is the only one home. She doesn't know where her father is and she doesn't care. It's been two days since her most resent and worst beating. Rachel's stripped down to her bra and panties. She's looking over herself in the mirror. She scrutinizes every cut, bruise and scar. They are ugly on her pale skin.

Her shoulder has the ugliest bruise. It's beginning to heal but it still looks nasty. The center is blackish-blue. Most of it is a mottled purplish-red that slightly fades on the edges. The edges that have healed the most have a greenish tinge to them. It's a grotesque mix of colors. The swelling has gone down by now but it's still tender to touch.

She winces when she touches the bruise on her cheek. In her mind, she hears the sound of her father's hand hitting her skin. She shakes her head trying to clear out the memories.

Rachel fingers the scars on her wrist. She didn't do these, her father did. Her loving father has done all of this to her. '_Maybe he's right? Maybe I deserved all of this?_' She screams at her reflection, "Stop it! I don't deserve to be hurt like this."

She can barely stand the pain. She just wants it all to stop. '_How? How can I stop it? The beatings keep getting worse. I don't know what to do._'

She stares at her reflection in the mirror. All she sees is pain and hate. She hates her father, but she also hates herself. She hates herself because he beats her, for not being able to stop him, for being so weak. She looks into her own eyes, so full of pain. She shouts bitterly to her mirror image, "_I! Hate! You!_"

With tears in her eyes, Rachel looks down at her mother's dressmaking scissors. With trembling hands, she picks up the shears.

*_Snip, snip, snip_.*

Little by little, her raven strands fall to the floor. She frantically cuts at her hair. When she finally stops, her dark locks litter the floor.

Rachel looks down at the hair on the floor, her hair. '_What did I do?_" With wide eyes, she stares back at her reflection. '_My …hair …it's …it's …short!_'Her hair barely brushes her shoulders.

"What did I do!" After setting down the scissors, Rachel covers her mouth with her shaking hands. Staring at her reflection, tears form in her eyes. This time she doesn't try to stop them. '_How do I explain this? He's gonna kill me._'

Dropping to her knees, she grasps at her fallen hair. The tears fall faster and harder. '_I'm so stupid, crying about my hair. It's just hair, but I liked it long. It was mine._' Rachel sobs as she mourns the loss of her hair.

* * *

Rachel lies in bed long after her alarm goes off. She stares at her door, now with a new lock; she has to go to school today. She hates being home. She doesn't want to go anywhere; she doesn't want to see people. She knows her friends will question her about her appearance. What she hates the most is the feeling of not belonging. Many times, she catches herself thinking 'I want to go home' when she's already home. She has nowhere to go. She feels like she's in limbo. She hates feeling that way.

With a sigh, she slowly gets out of bed and goes to her door. She peeks out the door, seeing no signs of Trigon she hurries as fast as she can to her bathroom. In the shower, the warm water eases some of her tension. Knowing she has to take extra time getting ready, Rachel tries to take a quick shower. Even using too much shampoo for her now short hair, her shower is quicker than usual.

Once safely in her room Rachel removes her robe. She studies her reflection. The bruises are slowly fading. Her shoulder still looks ugly. Rachel's done this several times. She's really beginning to hate the sight of herself. She rolls her eyes in disgust as she turns to get dresses.

After getting dressed, Rachel focuses on hiding her injuries. She puts a few layers of concealer on cheeks. For once, she's glad for Terra. Terra gave her some extra makeup samples from her cosmetic modeling job. Even though the discoloration around her neck is barely noticeable, Rachel adds some concealer there as well. She adds extra eyeliner hoping to distract people from seeing what she's trying to hide.

She runs her fingers through her short hair. She hates it. She feels so exposed without her long hair. It occurs to her that she often hid behind her long locks.

Pulling up the hood of her hoodie, Rachel takes a deep breath before going down stairs. Hearing Trigon in the kitchen, Rachel stops on the steps. She was hoping to get out of the house with out seeing him, now that's not happening. Since the stairs lead right to the kitchen, she can't sneak out. Before continuing, she takes several deep breaths, trying to steady her nerves. In the kitchen, Rachel remains silent as she grabs something to eat.

Trigon tells her, "Sit, eat and take off you hood."

She's worried about what he'll say or do. The apprehensive teen reaches up and slowly pulls down her hood. If Trigon has an opinion about her hair, he doesn't express it. Instead, he says, "I have a meeting this morning so we'll leave in five minutes."

Rachel says softly, "That's okay. I can walk."

"I'm not going to let my daughter, who was 'sick' enough to miss school, walk. I'll drop you off."

"Oh okay. Um, thanks."

Trigon studies his daughter while she eats. '_She did a pretty good job hiding everything. What the hell did she do to her hair?_'

Rachel senses him watching her. Wishing he would stop, she slowly looks up at him. Their eyes meet; they have an unspoken agreement. Rachel's the first to blink. She looks down at the rest of her breakfast. Trying to settle her stomach, Rachel closes her eyes. She's lost her appetite.

They ride in silence. Before they reach the school, Rachel pulls up her hood. As she gets out of the car, Trigon stops her. He says, "Remember …"

She replies flatly, "I know," before shutting the car door. She takes her time walking to the front doors. '_God, does he think I'm a complete idiot? I know if I even hint to anybody what's going on at home, I'm probably dead. Sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't be for the best._'

Relieved to make it to her locker without anyone noticing her she lets out a sigh. With her hood still up, Rachel rummages through her locker. She freezes when she hears someone come up behind her. "Hey, Rae, feeling better?"

She cringes; of course, _he'd _be the first one to find her. "It's Ra-_chel, Gar-field. Ray-**chel**,_ why can't you remember that?"

Before he can answer, Kori and Richard show up. "Rachel, it is wonderful that you are able to return to school."

"Yeah glad you're back. Feeling better?"

"Super-duper," Rachel replies flatly.

"So, what'd you have?" Gar wonders as they go to meet Vic. "It couldn't have been food poisoning cuz we all ate at the same place. We're all okay."

"I dunno, guess I caught a bug."

Rachel tries to ignore the pain in her shoulder as she listens to Kori blabber about what Rachel missed while she was "sick". She wonders how long she can go before they discover her hair. She doesn't have to wait long because she feels her hood tugged from behind. Before she can react, she feels the cooler air around her head as her hood is pulled down. Rachel spins around to see a kid run back to Kitten and Cami. They're paying him but even they look shocked.

Her friends finally find their voices. "Rachel …"

"…your…"

"…hair."

Kitten, recovering from the shock, smirks, "What you do, use a chain saw?"

With narrowed eyes, Rachel growls, "I'd like to use one on you right now."

Richard's the first one able to form full sentences. "Rachel, what happened?"

Kori removes her hands from her mouth and grabs Rachel's hand. "Oh, Rachel, why did you cut your beautiful hair? It was not because of your illness was it?" She gasps, "You did not have to sell it, did you? I have read in books about girls having to do that."

Rachel rolls her eyes. "No, Kori, this is not _Little Women._ I just needed a change."

Gar is still tongue-tied, "But you …before …long hair. Now not …why?"

She glares at him. "Genius. I needed a change."

Vic walks up. "Hey guys, what's …Rae, what happened to your hair?

Irritated by seeing Vic, she snaps at him, "If you have a problem with it, you don't have to look to it." She pulls up her hood and storms off.

The four watch their friend leave. Vic wonders aloud, "What was that about?

Rachel keeps hood up when possible. She's irritated and tired of hearing people whisper about her. Even some of her teachers are whispering. Her friends are getting on her nerves. She wishes they would just shut up about her stupid hair. One thing Rachel's glad about - nobody's noticed any of her bruises.

The next day, Jinni catches up with Rachel at lunch. Before she can say anything Rachel mutters, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, we don't have to talk about _that._ Are you as sick of this place as I am? Wanna ditch and come over to my house? My parents are at a mandatory counseling session so they won't be home. I want to get out of this place but I don't really want to be home alone cuz I'll eat everything in sight. You know, trying to calm my nerves and not worry. So, what do ya say, you'll come over?"

Rachel shrugs, "Why not. The others will probably keep bugging me. I'm certainly tired of them."

They walk most of the way to Jinni's house in silence even though Jinni wants to ask Rachel about her hair.

Unlocking the back door, Jinni asks, "Rachel, what happened? Why'd you cut your hair?"

Rachel fights against the tears that threaten to form. "Nothing's wrong. I, I just needed a change."

"Sweetie, something must be wrong. You look so unhappy."

"It's just stupid hair, right? It'll grow back."

"Did something happen to make you cut your hair?"

"I …" Rachel sighs, "…just needed a change. But it looks like everyone hates it. Does it really look that bad?"

Jinni studies Rachel's new haircut. "It might be a little uneven in some places but it's not too bad. I like it, I think it's cute."

Rachel perks up a little. "You do?"

"Yeah, I could probably even it out for you if you wanted me to."

"You could do that? I thought I got it as even as I could."

"You cut your own hair? Good, cuz I was going to tell you not to go to that hairdresser again. Ha, I won't even do that. I color it and style it but I'd never think of cutting it on my own. I can do other's hair but not my own."

Rachel runs a hand through her now short hair. "Like I said, I needed a change. You'd really fix my hair?"

"Sure, let's do it now. Let's go down to the basement, that's where I work on my projects."

Jinni trims Rachel's hair. The back section is a little shorter, exposing the nape of her neck. It then angles to the front to be chin length. While Jinni's been working on her hair Rachel eyes Jinni's hair dyes.

Jinni stands back. "There, I think I'm done and I didn't have to do too much. Your long hair was beautiful but this style is cute and edgy." She hands Rachel a mirror.

She checks out what Jinni did. She likes it. "I want to dye my hair."

"What?!"

"I want to dye my hair."

"Um, oh-kay, what color do you want?"

Rachel studies the colors again. "Hmm, I think purple."

Jinni gives Rachel a weak smile. "Wel-l-l-l, for you to have lavender hair, we'd have to bleach your hair. That's gonna take awhile."

Rachel shakes her head, "No, I don't want to use bleach. I want to have the darkest purple I can have."

"Okay, maybe I'll dye my hair too."

"But you just dyed your hair blonde a few weeks ago. Are you sure you want to do this."

Jinni laughs, "I should be asking you that. Yeah I'm sure. I only dyed it blonde because I couldn't decide on a color. But I think I figured it out. I think I'll pick bubble gum pink. As for you," she picks up a jar, "purple panic should be perfect. Over your dark hair it will look purplish-black/blackish-purple."

"That sounds perfect, just what I want."

"Um, sooo, what's your dad gonna say about your hair?"

"He won't care, he doesn't care."

Donning plastic loves, the girls apply dye to each other's hair. Once finished, Jinni suggests they wrap their hair in plastic wrap. "This way we can move around and not get dye in anything," she explains. After grabbing a snack, they watch TV for a while. A couple of hours have passed when Jinni says it's time to rinse out their hair. With cold water, they carefully rinse their hair in the basement sink. By the time the water runs clear, Rachel's head is freezing. Handing her a towel, Jinni won't let her see her hair yet. It's Jinni's turn to rinse. Once done, she styles Rachel's hair then does her own.

Rachel's surprised by how pink Jinni's hair is. It's about as pink as Kori's room. Curious, she's anxious to see her own hair.

When Jinni hands her the mirror again Rachel gasps. It's just as Jinni said it would be. She can't decide if it's blackish-purple or purplish-black but what does it matter. Rachel's hair looks black with purple highlights. Turning her head to check it out, she notices sometimes her hair looks more purple than black. The way Jinni has styled it looks good. Rachel's hair hangs down straight but the tips in front flip out slightly.

While studying her hair, Rachel doesn't show any reaction. Jinni bites her lip. She's anxious to know what her friend thinks. She's relieved when Rachel simply says, "Cool."

Jinn's finishes pulling her hair into two pigtails when her parents come home. Jinni frowns, "Looks like the fun's over."

They go upstairs to the kitchen where they startle Mr. and Mrs. Fortune. Seeing her daughter's bright pink hair, she knows she skipped school. "Jennifer Lauren Fortune, what have you done?"

"Mom, can we talk about this later, after my friend goes home?"

"You're pretty, why do you do this?" Mrs. Fortune indicates to Jinni's rosy pigtails. "Why can't you look normal like other kids do?" Both girls cringe at the word normal. "Why do you act out like this?"

"Ashley, let up a little, especially in front of her friend."

"Of course, Luke, you would take her side."

"I'm not taking her side. We can discuss this later. When …" The girls don't hear the rest of their "discussion", they sneak out of the house.

Jinni looks very unhappy. "Sorry about that."

"No, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't get you into any trouble. I guess I wasn't thinking when I said I wanted to dye my hair."

Jinni gives Rachel sad smile. "Nah, it's not that. All of _that_ wasn't even about my hair. It's just how they are now. Anything can get them arguing. I just seem to give them a lot of ammunition. They set impossibly high standards for me. When I can't reach those standards, I'm a disappointment."

"Jinni …"

"No, it's okay, I'm used to it." She quickly wipes her eyes. "I know they just want the best for me. I know they love me and I love them but I can't wait until I'm eighteen. Once I'm eighteen, I'm out of here."

Rachel empathizes, "Parents don't make things any easier."

"You should probably go. I'd walk you home but that would possibly add another hundred years on to my sentence."

"You sure you're gonna be okay?" Jinni nods. "Okay, call me tonight if you can. Otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow."

Walking home alone, Rachel wonders about Jinni and her parents. She hopes they're not like her father. She hasn't noticed any sign of violence so she figures nothing physical happens to Jinni. Just the same, she feels bad for her friend. Nobody likes to be yelled at in front of someone else.

Before entering her house, Rachel pulls up her hood. She knows she told Jinni her father wouldn't care but she doesn't want to find out right away that he does. She slips passed Trigon, telling him she'll be in her room doing homework. After locking her door, Rachel goes to her mirror. Slowly she pulls off her hood. She studies her new hairstyle. For the first time in weeks, a smile creeps on to Rachel's lips.

* * *

**How was that? Comments? Suggestions?**

**You know, it's not easy to cut your own hair, but it's possible. I've done it many times. It takes awhile but eventually it looks pretty good. I just recommend you not to do this when you're angry. I did that, not good. I was arguing with my mom. She said that I always wanted things too perfect. o_O In anger, I grabbed the scissors and chopped off a section. A third of my hair that hung down to the middle of my back was now shoulder length. There, **_**now**_** I wasn't perfect. Yeah, that didn't stop the arguing. I was so upset I had to have my sister finish cutting it. Okay, okay enough babbling about hairstyles. We all have things to do. Perhaps you're gonna review. And I should work on the next chapter.**


	17. Chapter 17The Trick is to Keep Breathing

**Songs About Me**

**Thanks to everyone reading. Thank you to those who put SAM on their alert or favorite list and reviewed, you guys are awesome. Super thanks to Star Melody for the most reviews I've had at one time and for suggesting this song. **

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Garbage or any lyrics**

**Chapter 17: The Trick is to Keep Breathing**

* * *

**"**_**She knows the human heart / And how to read the stars / Now everything's about to fall apart**_**"-The Trick is to Keep Breathing, Garbage**

* * *

The next morning Rachel hears Trigon leave. She's glad she's able to avoid her father. He seems okay with her short hair. That is he hasn't yelled at her about it. Well, he hasn't even mentioned it but she's afraid he'll flip out seeing purple hair. Dying her hair was a reckless move. Everything she's done with her hair lately has been impulsive but Rachel likes her hair. She hopes she doesn't end up regretting it. Finishing applying eyeliner she thinks, '_I've avoided dad so far but I'm sure my friends and everyone else will have something to say. I'll just have to avoid everyone as much as possible. God, I don't know what to do about Jason. What if what Terra said was true? What do I do?_'

* * *

After school, some of Rachel's friends meet up in the student lounge. The place is practically empty so no one will bother them. They've all had a very trying day with Rachel. She's avoided them most of the day. When they have been around her, her temper's been short with all of them, especially Vic. They've noticed that she's acting strange, stranger than usual. It's as if she has something to hide. Her friends are trying to figure it out.

Richard asks, "What's wrong with Rachel? She seems to be angry a lot lately."

"Yeah," says Gar, propping his feet up on a chair. "Rach seems like she's irritated with me lately."

Vic pulls the chair out from under Gar's feet. "Maybe that's because you are irritating sometimes. You don't call her that, do you?"

"So, you call her Rae. Why do you get to do that and I can't call her Rach?"

"Maybe it's because I asked her. Didn't she tell you she hates that nickname?"

"Yeah but it's easier."

"Like I said, you can be irritating."

"Dude! Kori, I'm not annoying, am I?"

"You are like everyone's younger brother. Sometimes you can be …galling."

Gar grins at Vic, "See? Kori thinks I can be galling." A look of confusion replaces his grin. "Hey, what does galling mean anyway? Are you saying I'm kinda gallant?

"Yes you are good to your friends but you occasionally vex some at times." Kori ignores their small squabble. She sighs and props her chin in her hands. "I think Rachel is sad. I think sometimes she looks like she wants to cry."

"That might be," says Vic, "but she kept snapping at me today. I don't even know what I did. The only thing I can think of is I asked her to hang out with us. Why would that make her mad? I'd get it if we'd purposely left her out."

Kori absentmindedly pulls her hair over her shoulder and begin playing with it. "She cut her hair and dyed it. It is pretty but I do not understand why she did that. Maybe she regrets doing that. Perhaps she is mad at herself."

"I don't know, all she ever says is she needed a change."

Gar agrees with Kori's guess. "Maybe she got in trouble for doing that. I know I'm not in the best mood after my parents get mad at me."

Richard says, "That's true but that doesn't explain her brooding every few weeks."

"Maybe it's PMS?" suggests Gar as he starts to set his feet on Vic's chair again.

"Gar, this is serious." Vic shoves Gar's feet off.

"So am I. Maybe that's why she gets upset so easily," Gar looks to Kori. He hopes she'll confirm his suspicions. "Could I be right?"

She shrugs, "Possibly, but Rachel's moodiness seems to be unpredictable. I am afraid it is something worse. I am fearful Rachel might be sick."

"She had food poisoning or something. She missed school because of that but I don't think she's had a problem like that before."

Kori looks very upset. "Our friend could be ill. That would explain why she is so easily upset. I know when I am under the weather I can be irritable. Perhaps that explains things?"

The guys think it over. That is a plausible reason. Vic says, "I dunno, Kor, has she mentioned anything to you about that?"

She shakes her head. "No, but her mom got sick and died before Rachel moved here."

Richard wonders, "Do you know what happened to her mom?"

Again, she shakes her head. "No, she has only talked about her mom once with me. Do any of you know what happened before Rachel moved to Jump City?"

The three guys think a moment before shaking their heads. The four sit in silence as they try to figure out what's going on with their friend.

Richard sees someone who might have some answers. He calls out, "Hey Jason, you got a minute?"

Jason sighs as he goes over to them. He doesn't look like he's in a good mood. He snaps, "What do _you _want?"

"Calm down, we just wanted to know what's going on with Rachel?"

He grumbles, "I don't know what you're talking about but I guess she's not my problem anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"She broke up with me this afternoon."

Kori says, "Oh no, oh I am so sorry."

"Yeah man, that's too bad," says Vic. "If you don't mind me askin', what happened?"

Jason sighs. "I don't know. Sure, we had some rocky times but I thought we were doing alright. Today, she just seemed very aggravated. She said between school and her job she wasn't going to have time for me. She said it wasn't fair to keep me trapped in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere."

"Sorry about that. Thought you two were happy."

"So did I. Guess I was wrong." Jason sighs again. "What this about Rachel? What did you want to know? Not sure, I can be much help. She seems to be going through something but I don't know what. Like her hair, I like it, but I'd never guess her to do something like that."

Richard says, "That's kind of what we're trying to figure out. Rachel works with your mom, right?"

"Yeah, my mom actually helped her get that job. Why?"

"Well, I was just wondering if your mom ever mentioned how Rachel's doing."

Jason shrugs his shoulders and rolls his eyes. He doesn't want to talk about the girl who just broke up with him. "I don't know. What do you want to know? How long it took her to go through training? I'm really not in the mood for all of this." He gets up to leave.

Kori says, "Wait, we are just worried about her." Jason stops to listen. "She is so easily agitated lately. We were hoping you might have some answers. After what happened today, we understand if you do not want to help us."

Jason sets his backpack down and takes his seat again. "I think mom might've mentioned something. A few weeks ago, mom came home worried about Rachel. She said Rachel was very jittery or jumpy. Mom noticed she kept looking at the door like she was expecting someone."

"Do you know who she was waiting for?"

Jason says, "No, but mom got the feeling that Rachel was afraid or dreading something. Nobody unusual came in and when mom asked her at the end of her shift if anything was wrong. Mom said Rachel just shrugged it off and said she didn't get enough sleep."

Richard says, "That's the answer she gave me one time when I asked her what was going on."

"Since when does not getting enough sleep make you afraid?" wonders Gar.

Kori suggests, "Maybe she has insomnia? I read something that if you miss a certain amount of sleep you can be a little paranoid or something."

"Do you know if Rachel has any problems at work? Does she have any problems with a co-worker?" asks Richard.

"The times I went in while she was working, things seemed alright. Mom said Rachel's good with the customers even though she's quiet and kinda shy. Mom said Rachel's some of the regular customer's favorite."

"Even though Rachel is still quiet she has opened up to us. It took her awhile but I am joyful that she finally trusts us. One night she came over to my house and we shared in girl talk. When we first met her, she would never have done something like that."

Vic chuckles, "Getting that girl to share _anything _was like pulling teeth. Sometimes when you asked her something she'd give a quick answer then clam up."

Gar says, "Yeah, I remember a time soon after she joined our group. She wasn't at lunch so I went to find her …

"I found her sitting on the floor outside the art room. I wasn't surprised to find her reading. I watched her reading for a moment before I asked her what she was reading.

"Without looking up she was like, 'You don't want to know.'

"I sat down next to her. I was like, 'Sure I do.' She stopped reading and looked at me. She had a curious or questioning look on her face. I asked again, 'Whatcha reading?'

"She studied the cover of her book before she answered something like, 'No one has ever asked me that.'

"And I was like, 'Well, I'm askin'. Are ya gonna tell me or do I havta read it to find out?'

"Rae gave me an annoyed look and was like, 'You wouldn't like it.'

"I was like, 'Ooo, is it a romance novel?' She flatly said no. I was afraid Rae was gonna go back to ignoring me. But soon she started talkin' again. She was telling me about the book. Something about a girl fleeing a war, being in a foreign country that doesn't want her, or trying not to get sent back, I dunno.

"I laughed and was like, 'Whoa, you don't read simple stories, you like things complex.'

"Rae let out a deep sigh and was like, 'It makes you think, that maybe your life isn't as bad as you thought it was. Or that it may be bad but it could be worse.' Something like that.

"I didn't know what she was talking about. Was it the girl in the book or herself?

"At the time I thought she was talkin' about being bullied cuz of her weirdness. I remembered thinking: now that she has friends, maybe the bullying will stop. We continued to talk. I told her how I thought it was cool how she help calm down a lost kid at the store the day before. She tried to blow it off.

"She was like, 'His crying was getting on my nerves.'

"I was like, 'Yeah, but you helped, that's what was so cool. A lot of people don't help strangers.'

"She closed her eyes and said softly, 'I know what it's like to loose your mom. I know what it's like to be so scared and being willing to give anything to have her back.'

"I didn't know what she was talkin' about. I knew if I asked her about it, she might just clam up. But I was curious, so I asked her.

"Rae was like, 'I lost my mom a few years ago. It's just me and dad now.' She seemed to be surprised she's telling me this. I said I was sorry her mom died. She was quiet after that but I guess that's cuz she was sad."

Jason says, "Uh, Rachel's mom um, she didn't die."

"_WHAT!?_" shout all four friends.

"What do you mean her mom didn't die?"

"That was what Rachel said."

Jason says, "Think about it, she never actually said her mom died. Rachel always said something like her mom was gone or that she lost her mom."

Rachel's friends think about what Jason just said. He's right; they never heard her say her mother died. They're all bewildered. They don't understand. Richard asks the questions running through all of their minds. "Why would she do that? Why would she lie about something like that?"

Jason explains a little about their trip to Hamilton. He doesn't tell them much, just the basics.

They're all surprised by what Jason says. Richard's still a little upset. "So, her mom's mentally ill and in a hospital in Hamilton? Why didn't she trust us enough to tell us? I mean, I understand that why she didn't tell us right away. She'd just joined our group and like Vic said she was slow to share anything but didn't she see that trust is an important part of friendship."

Jason shrugs, "It's complicated; she's complicated. Rachel didn't really say anything to me until we were in Hamilton. I was her boyfriend; you'd think she'd at least tell me."

"I still don't understand why she wouldn't make things clear. Especially after finding out that Vic lost his mom and Kori and I lost both of our parents. Didn't she trust us?"

Jason frowns, "It's not entirely her fault. We all just assumed she meant her mom died before Rachel came to Jump City. As far as the trust thing, I think Rachel has trust issues. Back in Hamilton, a girl who she thought was her best friend spread lies and rumors about Rachel and her family."

"That must have been horrible." Kori lays her hand on top of Richard's hand. "Do not be too hard on our friend. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her to leave behind her mother. Remember, you had trouble trusting anyone after your parents were killed. You did not even trust Bruce, who took you in."

"That's just it, they did die. I can't get them back. I can't ever see them again but she can. Rachel's has a chance to see her mom again." Richard sighs, "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at her, I'm just …I don't know …disappointed. I thought we were all friends. I thought finally she trusted us. Guess we were wrong. I can't imagine how you felt learning all this, Jason."

Again, Jason shrugs. "Yeah I would've liked it if she'd trusted me enough to tell me this in the beginning. I'm just glad she was able to tell me eventually."

Gar says, "Well, at least Rachel has her dad."

Kori shakes her head. "I do not like our friend's father. I think he is a hothead."

"Yeah, I agree with Kori. I don't think Gar and Richard met him. Man, does he have a temper. I was really scared for Rachel when he came to get her from my house."

"I never met him," says Richard, "but I've heard he can be a tyrant in business. He doesn't give a second thought to shutting down a business he's acquired."

Jason says, "Maybe it was my imagination but sometimes she seemed to be afraid of him. I kinda got the impression they argued a lot."

"I know me and my old man get into it a lot. I wonder if it's something like that."

Gar says, "Hey, remember when I found that notebook. I was flipping through when you came up behind me, Vic. Dude, you scared me."

"What are you talking about?" Vic thinks a moment. "Oh yeah, I remember now. I asked you whatcha were doing? You said found a notebook and thought it could be Rae's and just wanted to check out if it was. I didn't think it was a good idea and told you so. I didn't think she would like us looking thru it."

Gar says, "We're just peeking at it, not reading every word. Don't tell me you weren't curious. She'd recently became our friend and we still didn't know much about her. I thought we might find out something about Rae."

"I didn't like the idea of snoopin' thru her stuff. We knew she had a temper."

Gar says, "Yeah but you stayed. We read a section that's a few years old. It's before Rae moved to Jump City. I think she was still in junior high. She's excited about the possibility of getting a dog or cat. I was stunned. I didn't think Rachel was ever that happy or excited. She's always so serious. I don't think I've ever seen her smile let alone be happy."

"Just because she doesn't laugh at your stupid jokes doesn't mean she's not happy," says Vic. "We flipped a few pages. The next section wasn't as old as the first one we read but it's still before Jump City. Rae seemed to feel like she's to blame for losing her mom. She wrote something like, 'If I hadn't been born she would still be here. I kept causing problems, causing her stress.' We were surprised by Rae's sadness. But I get it." Kori and Richard both sadly nod their heads. They understand.

"I flipped through some more pages. Now Rae's in Jump City. I think it might be before we're friends, but I dunno. She wrote 'He was drunk again. I won't let him hurt me. I can't, I won't believe what he says. He's still hurt and angry about mom. He still blames me. I can't let him hurt me anymore.' I was shocked. How could her dad blame her for something like that? How could she believe it?"

Vic frowns, "It doesn't make sense but it's true. My dad and I blame each other and ourselves for mom's accident."

"Vic, you did not cause your mother's tragic accident. It was just that, an accident. Do away with the blame. It was nobody's fault."

"Thanks, Kor, I know, but you understand, right? You've had all the what-ifs running through your head. What if she'd gone on the errand earlier or later? What if I'd run the errand instead? What if I didn't say that thing that made her cry or break her favorite vase? What if I'd tried harder to make her happy instead of gettin' into trouble? I know it doesn't change anything but the what-ifs are often there, haunting you. It helps having friends and sports to keep me occupied. I can't imagine what it be like to be alone with the what-ifs."

Gar says, "Well, I'm surprised by all the different sides of Rae, but I guess that kinda explains why she's grumpy a lot."

"I'm not," says Vic, "Rae's a private person. She keeps things to herself but she seems pretty complicated."

"Um, did Rachel ever find out you had her journal?"

"Yeah, she did." Vic rubs his head sheepishly, "We were talkin' about her when she suddenly came up behind us. She was fuming.

Gar laughs nervously, "I don't think I've ever seen her that mad. I held the journal out to her and said we thought it was hers. She snatched it quickly. Rae was so angry. She said we shouldn't read it."

Vic says, "I was like 'We didn't read much, just a few pages.' She was like, 'You shouldn't be reading _any_ of it. It's private!' I think Rae actually had tears in her eyes. I hated that we made her so upset"

After a few minutes, Gar says, "What do you think she means about her dad is hurting her? You don't think her dad hits her, do you?" He looks around the table everyone looks concerned.

Vic shakes his head and says, "Man, I don't know. I'd hate to think she's getting hurt at home. It's bad enough she was bullied here at school. Maybe it's like me and my old man, we yell a lot but it's never come to blows."

Jason's worried, "I don't know, sometimes she seems scared."

"What is she scared about?"

"Sometimes Rachel seemed scared to go out on a date. Other times she seemed to dread going home."

"How often did that happen?"

"It kinda happened more often recently. Sometimes I got the feeling that she was afraid of her dad. I mean I kinda get it, the guy's kinda intimidating."

"But that doesn't mean her dad hits her," say Gar, "Maybe she was avoiding her homework. I know sometimes I try to."

Vic nudges Gar's backpack with his foot. "Ha, your grades prove that."

Richard has a thought running through his mind. He doesn't like the path his thoughts are taking him. "Has anyone ever seen Rachel without long sleeves?"

After thinking a moment Kori says, "At the dance she had a dress without sleeves. Oh, and there was that time in the locker room."

Richard asks, "Anybody know of any other time?"

Gar and Vic shake their heads. Jason says, "I saw her without sleeves that night in Hamilton but that's about it. Even when we were making out she didn't let me see much skin."

Vic protectively says, "You better not have pressured her into doing more than she wanted."

Jason holds up his hands defensively, "Hey, man, I never pressured her to do anything. Sometimes she started things but I always stopped when she said to stop."

"Richard, what are you thinking?"

He sighs, "Rachel's always wearing long sleeves, right?" He hates voicing this thought. "Maybe it's to cover bruises. He doesn't have to hit her to hurt her. Maybe he grabs her roughly."

Vic sees where his friend's going. "Yeah, he's so large and Rae's so small, it wouldn't take much to do some damage. Like if I'd grab Kori's arm. I probably wouldn't have to use much force to leave a bruise."

"Just cuz her dad's kinda harsh doesn't mean Rae's abused." Gar doesn't want to believe his friend is getting hurt.

"It's more than just that. He's very intimidating. Remember when she broke her arm?"

"That was cuz of a car accident."

Vic explains, "Rae was at my house. She was having dinner with my family and me. We were all having a good time when someone comes pounding on the door yelling for Rae. He acted more like a jealous boyfriend than like a worried father. It was like Rae _belonged_ to him and he didn't want anyone else around her."

"But that doesn't …"

"Imagine if someone as large as me was threatening someone as small as Rae. You'd be worried too. But Rae said she was fine and not to worry. I tell you, I was very worried for her. When she came to school with a broken arm, my first thought was he did this to her. I wanted to tear him to pieces for hurting her."

"So he was kinda menacing. He must've just been worried about her."

Kori shakes her head. "He was not worried about her when I was at her house a few months ago. He came home and yelled mean, horrible things to her. Things a father would not say in front of his daughter let alone to his daughter."

"What'd he say?"

"He called her a liar and he called her a …" Kori leans forward and whispers, "He called Rachel a …bitch. That was just too mean and terrible. I could tell she was embarrassed and a little scared so I did not say anything right away. Later at the library, I noticed Rachel had a bruise. I did ask her about that. She had a reason; it was because of something she did. Could it be that she has excuses to hide something?"

Jason asks, "What are we gonna do? It sounds like Rachel might be abused."

They're tossing around some ideas when Gar see Terra go by. He hasn't seen her lately so goes to see what she's been up to. Gar follows Terra out into the rain. "Terra, where you going? Why didn't you come over and say hi?"

"You seemed to be talking about something important. I didn't want to bother you."

"We're trying to figure out what to do for Rachel."

Terra rolls her eyes, "She doesn't need my help. I'm sorry, Gar, I just don't like her and I don't think she likes me."

"We don't have to worry about that now. What if her dad's hurting her? We have to find some way to help her."

Terra scoffs, "At least her dad pays attention to her."

Her attitude shocks him. "Terra!"

"I'm sorry she has a shitty life. Maybe I've had a hard life too. My parents don't even know I exist. I could drop off the face of the earth and they wouldn't care.

"I'm sure that's not true."

Terra's tears mix with the rain. "They're too busy with their own lives. They never wanted a kid. They don't care."

A dark car pulls up. "Terra," says a male voice, "we should be going."

Trying to control her tears, Terra says, "Give me a few minutes, please Slade."

"Very well. You've five minutes." He puts the window back up.

Gar looks back and forth between Terra and Slade. "Terra, are you dating him?"

"So? It's not a big deal."

Gar's hit with a realization. He hisses, "Are you sleeping with him?"

"So? What if I am? He makes me feel wanted and loved. He makes me feel beautiful."

"He's old enough to be your dad."

Terra shrugs, "I don't expect you to understand. What should it matter as long as I'm happy? He makes me happy." Seeing Gar frown she takes his hand. "I like you Gar, I really do. I just don't wanna mess up our friendship. If we'd hooked up, things would've changed. I hate to think you're disappointed in me but I need to do what I need to do." She gives him a hug and whispers, "I love you, Gar."

He returns the hug. "I love you too. I just want you to be happy."

Slade calls out for Terra. She tells him she's coming. She says to Gar, "I am, I am happy." She gives him a quick squeeze before running to the car.

Gar sadly watches the car drive away. He goes back inside and shakes some of the rain off his hair. Now he has two friends to worry about.

When Gar returns to the table Vic notices he looks really down. Vic questions him about it. "What's up with Terra?"

Gar shakes his head, "What're we gonna do about Rachel?"

Richard says, "We think her dad's abusing her but we need more than just suspicions. We need something more or some sort of proof before we can tell anyone. Rachel needs help but I think she's too afraid to do it herself. Let's keep looking for any signs or clues of abuse. I hope we're wrong. If we need to maybe we can confront Rachel." He checks his watch. "It's getting late we should probably go. Anyone need a ride?"

The friends leave the school with heavy hearts. Like Richard said, they hope they're wrong but they have a feeling that their not.

* * *

'_I'm a horrible friend, I keep snapping at all my friends. I'm taking my anger out on them, especially Vic. I know everything that happened to me wasn't their fault. And it didn't happen because Vic asked me to join them. There's no way he could've known dad was going to beat me. I didn't know._

_I'm just so angry and I feel a little better yelling t someone. Since I can't yell at dad without getting hurt again, I take most of it out on Vic. I'm sorry, I hope he'll understand._'

Rachel continues home alone when it starts to rain. The weather matches her mood. Her hoodie does little to protect her from the rain. She doesn't care.

'_I feel awful breaking up with Jason. I just don't know if I can trust him. I probably shouldn't believe a thing Terra says but she put this doubt in to my head. Besides, things are getting worse at home. I can't risk it. He might see something. He might figure it out. I always thought he'd break up with me. Even though I broke up with Jason, it still hurts. It hurts a lot._'

Trigon's surprised she's home when she enters the door. "I thought you said you had plans." Even though she's trying to hide it, Rachel looks like she could cry. Seeing how upset his daughter looks he asks, "What's wrong?"

Rachel blinks rapidly, trying to suppress her tears. "Nothing."

"Something's wrong. What is it? What happened?"

Frowning she says, "Jason and I broke up."

Trigon's glad, he didn't like Jason but Rachel looks so miserable, standing there in her rain drenched clothes. He does feel sorry for her. He holds his arms out to her. "I'm sorry. Come here."

Rachel's taken aback. About week ago, he beat her and now he's offering her a hug. She wants nothing more than to have her father comfort her but she's hesitant. She's afraid, angry and confused. She shakes her head, "I'm drenched; I'll get your clothes wet."

"It's okay, they'll dry." She timidly goes over to him. He wraps his arms around her.

Standing awkward and tense in her father's arms, Rachel closes her eyes. This is how it should be a father comforting his daughter instead of injuring her.

Rachel remembers when she was a little girl. Everything was good. It's before a lot of the yelling and fighting had started. She remembers how Trigon comforted her after she woke up from a nightmare. '_Why isn't it like that anymore? Why does he have to hurt me so much?_'

Tears form in her eyes and she can't stop them from falling. She knows how much he hates her to cry. It's not because he doesn't want her to be sad. It's because to him, tears are a sign of weakness. While trying to stop crying, Rachel says, "I'm sorry."

He holds her tighter. "It's okay; I know how much you must be hurting. Go ahead let it all out. It's okay to cry. It'll be okay, Rachie-roo."

Rachel freezes. Did he just call her by her old nickname? It was his name for her. She'd always felt safe and comforted when he called her that. That's when she didn't question her parents' love for her. She's surprised he remembered.

"You'll be okay, Rachie-roo."

Rachel doesn't want to but she breaks down in a new wave of tears. It's not so much that she's crying about Jason. It's more about what she misses from her childhood.

As he holds and consoles his daughter, something Trigon hasn't done in years, he strokes her wet hair. He notices something. '_Is her hair purple? When did she do that? I should yell at her about it but I think she's going though enough right now. Besides, I know how much she hates getting emotional._' He grins as he looks down at his weeping daughter. '_She must be in agony._'

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Any comments would be most appreciative. Hope to have some more for you soon. *fingers crossed* **


	18. Chapter 18: Scream

**You have no idea how happy I was to post this completed chapter. I know it's taken me almost three months to update. For most of January, I had an infection. If left unchecked it would've been very, **_**very**_** bad. I was completely terrified. I was sure my days were numbered. I thought I was going to have to upload my incomplete chapters so y'all would have an idea of were I was going with this story. It would've been most of some chapters and just ideas for others. I didn't want to do that because I want to finish this story. I don't know why I'm letting y'all know this. Guess I'm just relieved.**

**Anyway, I got meds and I'm doing a lot better. This has shown me I shouldn't dawdle with this story or the others I want to write. To reward you for your wait I'll give you two, maybe three chapters for March. =D**

**Sorry for getting sidetracked. You don't have to comment about this. Just be as glad as I am that I can update. Now, on with the story…**

**Songs About Me**

**I'm very thankful to those who reviewed, followed or favorited my little story. Many thanks to xMissFortune for mentioning this song.**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, Thousand Foot Krutch or any lyrics**

**Chapter 18: Scream**

* * *

**"**_**You make me wanna scream…/ It's not a joke / I've felt as messed up as you do / I've felt the feelings you've been feeling / Been through the same things / You've been through / And I know how hard it is / To feel like you're all alone / We've all been given a second chance / But the choice is all our own**_**"-Scream, Thousand Foot Krutch**

* * *

A few days later, nobody at school is talking about Rachel's hair. There's something new to talk about, make that someone new. Malcolm Drake's a senior and new to JCH. That's one thing that has people talking. Seniors don't usually transfer to a new school, at least not about half way through the school year. However, Malcolm is used to this; he's an army brat. His father recently transferred to Jump City.

Malcolm's used to starting again in new places. Not that he likes it but he's used to it. Another thing he's familiar with is the stares. When he comes to a new place, people tend to stare at him because of his looks. It's not that he's ugly; it's quite the opposite. With his nearly platinum blond hair and intense blue eyes, everyone looks his direction. His dragon tattoos and piercings also give people reasons to look. The students usually don't have a problem with them. The adults typically think they're distasteful. Whether anyone like them or not doesn't bother him.

It doesn't take him long to become one of the more popular kids at school. He's smart, athletic and likes to party. Somehow, he fits in with most of the groups. Most of the guys like him. They think he's cool because he has a motorcycle and rides it to school. The girls, most of them, fawn over him, especially when they hear his accent. Since Malcolm spent his formative years in England, he has a slight British accent. Even the so-called nerds like Malcolm.

There's one girl who isn't practically tripping over herself to get near Malcolm and that's Rachel. He's her new neighbor so she can see him whenever she wants to, which isn't often. She thinks he come across as arrogant. She's tired of hearing about how cool he is. She admits he is good looking and nice but she's decided to take a break from boys. She just broke up with Jason and that still hurts. Besides, Rachel doesn't think Malcolm looks at her in any romantic way; he's always calling her "kid" when he sees her.

Rachel remains quiet around her friends. She still upset about Jason and avoids him as much as possible. This isn't too hard since they didn't have any classes together.

On the way to class, Rachel and Jinni see Malcolm stand in the center of a crowd. Rachel rolls her eyes. "You'd think he was a rock star or something. He hasn't even been here a week and he's already being mobbed by fans."

"Be honest, you think he's cute."

"Yeah, so, that doesn't mean anything."

"He's your neighbor, right? You should go out with him."

"Yeah right, like someone who's popular on day one would go out with someone like me."

"Rachel …"

"It's okay Jinni. I didn't mean it like that. I just broke up with Jason. I'm not ready to go out with anyone. Besides, he's my neighbor. I think he sees me as a little kid or something. That'd be too weird."

* * *

Rachel wonders if it's her imagination, every time she goes up to her friends, they stop talking. They give her a strange look then start chatting about school. That's impossible; nothing's changed except she broke up with Jason. She doesn't understand why that would make her friends act weird around her.

What Rachel doesn't know is her friends are looking for proof about her father abusing her. They try asking some of her teachers if they know if anything's wrong when it comes to Rachel. They don't have much luck with that plan. It turns out Rachel hardly ever talks to her teachers. One didn't even realize Rachel's in his class, but that teacher's absentminded so they don't bother with him.

Richard wishes he could see her school file. He doesn't know what he's looking for but he has a feeling there'll be a clue there. Vic thinks he should be able to hack into the school's computer if given the chance. Gar and Kori will cause a distraction with her singing/crying while Richard and Vic sneak into the school office. They figure out all parts of their plan. They'll do it after school.

Once everyone leaves the office to see about the commotion by the stairway, the two guys slip to the first computer they find. It doesn't take long for Vic to find Rachel's screen. They quickly notice there are many excused and unexcused absences as well as a note about her skipping gym class. They already know this. Just before Vic closes her screen, Richard sees a note highlighted. Vic opens it. It mentions that Rachel could have a problem with cutting. The guys glance at one another concerned; this is new to them. Rachel's guidance counselor, Mrs. Rogers writes, "_I'm worried about Rachel and want to watch her. I'm she's not sure if things happened the way Rachel said they did._" Mrs. Rogers also notes that she noticed a lot of tension between Rachel and her father. She writes, "_I got the feeling that Rachel was afraid of her father. Sometimes I thought I catch a glimpse of fear in her eyes. Rachel quickly hid that. Any attempts to get Rachel to open up about the way things are at home have failed._"

Vic quickly closes Rachel's files but he doesn't notice he missed one. They have to tell the others what they've learned.

* * *

They need to talk to Rachel. They come up with another plan: Kori will call Rachel over to Vic's house; they will kind of have an intervention with her. They understand Rachel will angry but they hope she'll realize they're looking out for her.

Rachel walks up to Vic's front door. She's curious; what is this about? The past few days, she feels like they've been talking about her. Walking over to his house, she's tried to figure it out.

When she sees Jason's there she asks, "What's _he_ doing here?" She furrows her brow. "What's going on?"

"Rachel, we know you have a problem and we're here to help you."

Confused, Rachel says, "I didn't do great on my biology test but that's because I didn't have all my notes. I'll just have to study some more but it's not that serious." Rachel's phone rings but she doesn't recognize the number so she ignores it.

"It's not about school. We know you're having problems with you're dad."

Rachel's surprised. They didn't do what terrifies her most. They didn't figure out her secret, did they? She tries to laugh it off. "I don't know what you're talking about. I mean my dad doesn't really like the music I listen to but that's not really a problem."

"Rachel …"

"I really should go. You know, that studying thing. I have to do better on the next test." Rachel struggles to suppress the avalanche of emotions she's feeling: fear, hope, relief, dread, embarrassment, anxiety, guilt, shame, and frustration. She tries to keep her calm façade. She can't let on what she's feeling. She can't let them know anything is wrong.

What Rachel doesn't know is her friends can see several emotions come across her face. Mostly they think she looks scared. If their hunch is right then they understand why she'd be afraid.

Rachel struggles to keep her voice even. "I have to go now." Her phone rings again. It's the same unknown number. '_I don't have time for this. I need to get out of here before they figure anything out._' Again, she ignores her phone.

Kori puts her hand on her friend's shoulder. Rachel quickly shrugs it off but stops. "Rachel, wait. We just want to help you."

"I don't need help with anything."

"We have noticed you have been acting peculiar lately. We are worried about you."

"Don't. I don't need you to worry about me."

"You don't have to snap at her. She's just trying to help you, we all are."

"I know, I'm sorry Kori, but I don't need any help. Nothing is wrong."

Rachel's phone rings again, same number. '_What's going on? Who is this person? Why can't they leave me alone?_'

Richard waits for Rachel's phone to stop ringing before he says, "We can tell something been going on with you. Some days you seem to be in pain. At first I thought Jason might've been hurting you, hitting you."

"You thought Jason was hurting me? You really think I'd stay with a guy who hit me? You don't think I'd stand up for myself?" She realizes how odd it is for her to say this. She knows she should do something but she's just too afraid to turn in her father. She wonders if she would act differently if a boyfriend hit her instead of her father.

"Something's wrong."

"It's none of your business."

"Like Richard said, we know you've been going through something. Please tell us."

"It's nothing." Rachel's phone rings again and she continues to ignore it.

After a few minutes, Richard says, "Why did you lie about your mom dying?"

Rachel glares at Jason. "You told them? Did you do that because I broke up with you? Is this your way of getting back at me?"

Jason says, "This has nothing to do with that. I'm worried about you."

Gar wonders aloud, "Rachel, why didn't you tell us?"

Rachel pulls her eyes from Jason to give a hostile look to the others. "Nobody asked. _Nobody_ ever asked me what happened to my mom. The only thing anyone ever asked was where's my mom. I told you, I lost her. She's gone to me."

Vic tries to understand her point of view. "Rachel, your mom didn't really die. Why'd you say that? My mom did, I can't imagine why you'd say that."

"Didn't he tell you?" Rachel glares at Jason for a brief moment before giving her friends the same look. "Didn't he tell you when I first saw my mom again, she didn't recognize me? Didn't he tell you when my mom finally knew who I was; she ended up blaming me for her being in that hospital? Didn't he tell you how I was the one to find my mom after she attempted suicide? Didn't he tell you any of this?"

Kori gasps, "No, I am sorry. We all are."

"I know it's not the same. Some of you have lost one or both of your parents but I have too, in a different way. My mom may be physically on earth but I still don't have her."

"But you have a chance; someday you might be able to be with her. I'll never get that chance. I still don't see why you'd let us believe that," Vic says sadly.

"Do you know what it's like to find your mom sprawled on the floor next to an empty bottle of pills? I thought she was dead."

Richard says softly, "I saw my parents murdered."

Rachel gasps, "I, I didn't know. I'm sorry." She can only imagine the pain he must've felt or still feels. She doesn't want to undermine what he went through by likening their situations but she needs them to see her point of view. "Then you kind of understand. Something like that messes with your head."

Richard says, "Yes it does but I still don't understand why you'd lie?"

Rachel sighs, "You at least have the memory of your parents loving you, right? Imagine your mother being so desperate to get away from you; she'd try to kill herself. That really messed me up. You just don't go skipping down the hall after something like that. So I'm sorry I'm sometimes moody."

"I already told you, you don't havta be sorry for who you are," says Gar. "We realize that you've had it rough. What we don't get is why you wouldn't let us in. Why you wouldn't let us help you?"

"I'm s… sorry," she sighs, "I'm a very private person." Rachel crosses her arms, physically blocking herself from them.

"Like Gar said, we understand that. We knew it'd take you awhile to let us close." Vic says, "After all the shit Kitten and the others put you through, we knew you'd have issues with trust."

"If you knew all that, then why can't you believe that I'd have trouble sharing something so painful, so personal?" Rachel hates that they're confronting her about this. However, if this is all it is, she can handle it. Maybe she was wrong, maybe they don't know about her dad. "I think a part of me wanted to share that with you guys. I could never figure out when or how, so I never did. Honestly think about it, I couldn't just say something like that after we'd been talking about math tests, could I?"

"We would have listened. We would have understood if you had given us a chance and told us. Rachel, we were your friends."

"So, you don't want to be my friends anymore? All because I didn't tell you something that was very private?" Rachel never imagined she'd have friends. Once she did, she never thought she'd lose them like this.

"No, we are still your friends. That is why we are going to help you."

'_What is she talking about?_' "Help me with what?"

"Like we said, we know you have been having problems with your father. Please, Rachel, let us help you."

"I already said I don't need any help."

"Rachel, it's okay, we know. You don't have to keep it a secret anymore."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rachel lies, "there's nothing wrong. I don't need your help."

Rachel's phone rings again, this time she answers it but before she can say much Malcolm says, "Rachel, thank God you finally answered."

"Malcolm? How'd you get my number? I don't have time for …"

"Don't hang up. I got the number for your mobile from your dad."

"Dad? What's wrong with my dad?" She knows Trigon wouldn't give this guy her phone number. He doesn't like Malcolm. Rachel turns her back to her friends so she can have some privacy but they're concerned and they listen. She repeats, "What's wrong with my dad?"

"He's not hurt if that's what you're afraid of. Where are you? I'll come get you and take you to your dad."

'_Take me to dad? What's going on?_' "Malcolm, what's going on? Where's my dad? What's happened to him?"

"I didn't want to tell you like this. Let me pick you up and tell you."

"Tell me now. What going on with my dad? Where is he?"

Malcolm sighs, "Your dad's at the police station. I heard the police mention something about child abuse or domestic violence." Rachel's eyes widen with fear. '_What's happening? How do they know?_' "Rachel? Rachel? Are you still there?"

"What? Um, yeah, I'm still here. I'm at Vic Stone's house. You know where that is, right? Good, I'll be waiting out front." As she's been talking to Malcolm, she could feel five pairs of eyes on her. She doesn't want to deal with them right now. After hanging up she tells them, "I have to go. It's a family emergency." She grabs her backpack and goes to the door.

"Rachel, what's going on?"

"It's nothing, just leave me alone."

"We know you've been hurt. We want to protect you, to keep you safe," says Vic. "We only wish you'd told us sooner, before things got so bad."

"I, I don't know what you're talking about." She backs away from her friends. "I have to go now."

Richard blurts out, "Rachel, we know you father's been hurting you."

Rachel says, "No, you're wrong. Why would you say such a thing?"

"You have been acting a little strange."

"So." She's angry and tries to back away from them. "I thought I already explained that."

"You explained things about your mom," says Richard, "but you didn't explain the problems you've had with you dad."

Jason finally speaks. "Rachel …"

"We're done, okay; you don't have to worry about me anymore."

"I do worry about you. I've known something's wrong. Don't try to deny it. I've seen how you act around your father. I've seen how your moods swing. You've tried to hide it but I could see the pain he's caused you. I never knew if he just said hurtful things to you or physically hurt you."

Rachel whispers, "No, you're wrong."

Jason tries to hug her. "I'm sorry he hurt you but we'll help you."

Irritated, Rachel pushes him away and repeats, "It's nothing. I have to go." She hates that she's losing it in front of her friends.

"Rachel, Vic and I have both witnessed how awfully mean your father can be to you," says Kori. "If he is hurting you, why would you protect him?" '_I'm not protecting him. I have to take care myself._' "Please, we are your friends. Let us help you. You are kind and compassionate. You do not deserve to be hurt by _anyone_. _Please_, let us help you. If things were reversed, I know you would help a friend."

Rachel takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She knows they're trying to do what's best for her. Right now, she needs them to drop it. She can't do this, not when her dad's at the police station. She needs to get to him. She needs to make him understand she didn't start this.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do. You're only looking out for me but I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. Yes, sometimes we get into arguments, but that's normal. Listen to me nothing is wrong. I'm still very upset about my mom and maybe I should've told you about that. Between being bullied and my mom, I'm kind of a mess, but nothing is wrong."

Vic grabs Rachel's right wrist and pushes up her sleeve. He says, "Then explain these." They expected to find Rachel's arm covered with bruises. There are no faded bruises but they're surprised to see the white scars scattered on her arm. They'd hoped the guidance counselor was wrong.

"Rachel …"

She pulls her arm away from Vic and shoves her sleeve down. "It's none of your business!"

"But Rachel, you've been hurt. Did your dad do that to you?"

"No. I have to go."

Gar says to Vic, "Maybe this is too much for us to handle. Maybe we should've told someone."

Vic can't shake the sight of Rachel's scars from his mind. He's starting to agree with Gar. "Yeah, you might be right."

"What did you do?"

"Rachel, it'll be okay. You'll be safe."

She begins to panic. She cries out, "What did you do?! Who did you tell?!"

Jason puts his hand on her cheek. His eyes are full of questions and concern. Rachel pushes him away. "We didn't tell anyone anything. We just want to make sure you're alright. If we have to tell someone to keep you safe, that's we'll do."

She says angrily, "Stay away. All of you. Just leave me alone." They hear the roar of Malcolm's motorcycle coming. "We're through. I can't believe you'd do this to me. I _never_ want to see any of you again!"

"Rachel …"

"I mean it, stay away from me!"

* * *

Hearing the door open, a middle-aged officer at the front desk looks up from the computer. Upon seeing the two teens, one with whitish hair and many piercings and the other with purple hair, he shakes his head slightly and mutters under his breath, "Kids."

The girl with purple hair goes up to the desk. "Where's my dad, Trigon Roth? I need to see him. I was told he was brought in here."

The officer starts checking the computer. "Okay, just a minute. Who did you say you were looking for and who are you?"

Rachel tries to keep the panic from her voice. "My name is Rachel Roth and I'm looking for my dad, Trigon Roth."

The officer searches the screen. "Roth, …Roth okay, here it is. It looks like he was brought in about an hour ago." He reads the screen then asks, "Miss Roth, are you the only child in the household?"

"Yes, what's going on? Why was he brought here? Can I see him?"

"Let me make some calls. Why don't you wait over there."

Rachel and Malcolm go over to the area where the officer indicated. Rachel wraps her arms around herself as if she's trying to hold herself together. '_I can't believe this is happening. Who would've turned him in? I don't think it was my friends. They were just trying to get me to open up but I don't think they'd call the police. Shouldn't I be relieved? I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I think mostly I'm terrified. What's gonna happen? What if he thinks I told somebody? What if …_'

She jumps when Malcolm touches her arm. "Hey kid, you okay? Want me to get you something?"

She shakes her head, "No, I'm okay. You can go."

"Are you sure, I can stay."

"I'm fine. This was all a big misunderstanding."

"Want me to call someone for you? Maybe one of your friends?

Again, she shakes her head. "No."

"Okay. Um, if you don't mind me asking, what happened back there at Vic's house?"

Rachel shrugs, "That was nothing."

"That didn't sound like nothing. You sounded very angry. Wanna talk about it?"

She sighs, "I'm sorry if I hurt their feelings but I can't worry about that now. I have to focus on my dad."

"Miss Roth?" a female office calls her name.

"Yes, that's me. Can I see my dad now?"

"It's going to take a little longer. I'm Officer Courtney Lorenz, why don't you come with me while you wait."

Malcolm asks Rachel, "Want me to stay?"

"No, like I said, I'm fine. You can go."

Malcolm watches his neighbor follow the office down the corridor. As he leaves, he wonders what's really going on.

Officer Lorenz leads a nervous Rachel into a room. A woman and another officer are sitting at a table. Rachel eyes them curiously. '_Why are they here? What's going on? Am I in trouble?_' "Miss Roth, uh …" the officer at the table checks his notes. Rachel volunteers her first name. "Right, Rachel," he continues, "why don't you have a seat."

Rachel sits in the only seat available. "When can I see my dad?"

"I don't think it'll take too much longer. First, we'd like to ask you some questions." Rachel nervously pulls her sleeves down over her hands. "Try to relax. You've done nothing wrong." She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She wonders what type of questions they'll ask her. What have they asked her dad? What's gonna happen to them? "By the way, I'm Officer Sam McLeavey and this is Cathy Nicholson. She's a court appointed special advocate. Do you know what that means?"

Rachel shrugs, "Um, she's kinda like a lawyer?"

"Something like that. She's here to represent you since you're a minor and you can't have a parent here."

They ask her questions about abuse, which she vehemently denies. The police question Trigon the same time they question Rachel.

"Rachel, when did you start locking your bedroom door?"

Rachel's startled to learn they've been in their house. "I think I always have."

Officer McLeavey writes something in his notes. Rachel wonders what he's writing about her. "Why is that?"

"I don't know. My dad locks his door too. We respect each others privacy." The officer writes something else in his notes.

"Rachel, has he ever touched you in a sexually way?"

"What?! No, of course not! That's gross! He would never... I would never let him do that. Did someone say that's what happened? If they did then they're lying." She's completely shocked they asked her that.

"It's okay, calm down. We just had to ask the question."

"My dad is good to me. It's just the two of us. He looks out for me. Everything he has done is in my best interest." Rachel lies, "He would never hurt me in any way, at least not intentionally. He didn't even yell at me when I chopped of my hair and dyed it purple."

Thinking it could be a cry for help, he asks, "Why did you do that?"

Rachel shrugs, "I thought it would be artsy, I guess, I don't know. I'm not acting out if that's what you're thinking. Most people, including my friends, don't think I can be spontaneous. I did this on a whim. I thought it'd be fun." She's relieved they seem to accept her answer.

They've noticed how Rachel keeps nervously tugging her sleeves down over her hands. That's really the only sign of unease she's shown them. She's looked them in the eye and her voice has been calm and even. They wonder if she has something to hide. "Rachel, would you mind pushing up your sleeves?"

Rachel fearfully looks at Cathy. The way Rachel reacts is as if Officer McLeavey just asked her to strip in front of all of them and give him a lap dance.

Sensing Rachel's fear Cathy says, "It's okay. You're not going to have to remove anything, simply push up your sleeves some. We just need to make sure you're all right, okay?"

Rachel takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She eyes each of them nervously before slowly pushing her sleeves up her arms. Instantly goose bumps appear on her pale skin. She shows them the backs of her arms. Her skin is unmarred except for the goose bumps. Maybe that explains her actions; she's cold. "Would you please turn your arms over?" Refusing to look at anyone, Rachel stares at the floor as she shows them the underside of her arms. They see the scars of her father's attack one arm.

Office Lorenz takes a picture of Rachel's scarred arm. Officer McLeavey says, "Okay, you can put your sleeves back down." Rachel doesn't hesitate a moment to do this. "Rachel, tell me what happened. Did your father do that to you?"

Again Rachel lies, "No, he didn't even know about it until the principal and school councilor told him."

"Why did you hurt yourself like that?"

She falsely tells them she did it when she thought she broke up with Jason. They ask her a few more questions before they leave her alone in the room.

Two officers discuss the Roth case. Their stories are the same. They both deny any abuse has ever happened. They watch Rachel sitting alone. The officer who questioned Trigon says, "This guy seems to have all the right answers but he doesn't seem to have been trained. Did you learn anything from the girl?"

Officer McLeavey says, "Either there's no abuse or this girl is too scared to let on about anything. If it's the case that she's hiding things, then she's an incredible actress." He sighs, "So we have no proof of abuse, only accusations. What do we do now?" He keeps watching Rachel because he feels like there's something she's not saying.

"We have to let him go but we will keep an eye on him. If we find out he's done anything to hurt his daughter, his high priced lawyer won't be able to help him."

Rachel's surprised when she looks up and sees her father in the doorway. "You know, I didn't …"

"I know."

She asks, "What happens now?"

He says, "We go home."

* * *

Trigon gets a call just after he and Rachel pull into the driveway after going to the grocery store. It's important; it's business so he has to take it. He leaves Rachel to take in the groceries. They normally don't spend so much time together but they want to show harmony between the two. While Rachel takes bags in, Malcolm comes over.

"Hey, kid, things okay?"

"Yeah, I don't know what happened but it was all a big misunderstanding." Malcolm takes the heavy looking bag from Rachel. She takes another bag and leads the way to the kitchen. After their third trip, Malcolm makes a comment about all the food.

"Well, Thanksgiving is this week."

"_All_ this food is for the two of you?"

"He's having some clients and colleagues over. We have to this huge spread. I get to be hostess."

"You don't sound very excited about that."

She shrugs her shoulders as if to say 'what can I do about it'. "At least I don't have to cook except to maybe mash the potatoes and heat up the rolls. Otherwise I'd probably give everyone food poisoning."

* * *

Black Friday, Trigon drops Rachel at the mall where she's pretending to do Christmas shopping. He thinks she's with her friends but she wants nothing to do with them. He doesn't really care what she does as long as it appears to be normal.

Before going home, he makes a call for some one to meet him. He only has to wait a few minutes. Trigon explains what's happened and what he needs. Trigon pulls out a wad of money. After counting it, he hands it over to the man standing in front of him. "You know what to do?"

"You want me to torture your daughter."

"Torture might be a little too strong of a word. I would say it's more like torment her. I need you to scare her. I need that little bitch to know I'm still in control. However, after that stunt she pulled and got the authorities involved _I _can't lay a hand on her. Although, that doesn't mean you can't do something.

"So does that mean anything goes?"

"Anything within reason. She is my daughter after all. I don't want her to be severely hurt. I don't want to do this but she gives me no other choice."

"Is abduction out of the question?"

Trigon considers this for a moment, "If that's what it takes to get my message across. You never say a word about this."

"Of course, it goes without saying."

* * *

**Thanks for being patient and thanks for reading. Comments welcome.**


	19. Chapter 19: Angels

**Songs About Me **

**Thanks for everything. **

_***** WARNING!***RATED M DUE TO LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND ADULT SUBJECT MATTER! *****_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, With Temptations or these lyrics**

**Chapter 19: Angels**

* * *

"_**You took my heart / Deceived me right from the start / You showed me dreams / I wish they would turn into real / You broke a promise and me realize / It was all just a lie**_**"- Angels, Within Temptation**

* * *

Trigon goes into the study and finds Rachel sitting at the window. He asks her, "What are you doing in here?"

"I've just been watching the neighbor's guests show up for their party. Actually, all week I've been watching the whole neighborhood decorate for Christmas."

He gathers some papers off the desk. "You're not still moping about that boy, are you?"

"His name's Jason, and I'm not moping. I just have nothing to do and I like watching the lights go up."

"Why don't you do something with your friends?"

"No, they're all doing something else." Having turned back to the window Rachel rolls her eyes. '_Like you care, you never really wanted me to have friends. Guess I don't have to worry about that anymore. They finally got the message. It's not as if they gave up easily. They kept calling, even coming over to see if I was all right. I just shut them out. I had to, after what they did; I couldn't let them close again. I'm sorry I had to push Jinni away. I know she had nothing to do with all of that but I'm through with friends, _all_ friends. I was right; friendship isn't worth the trouble._'

Trigon realizes his daughter's had to sacrifice a lot for him. Normally her discontentment wouldn't bother him but he wants to show a positive front. He suggests, "Why don't you put up our trees?"

"Really? I thought you said we weren't gonna have any trees this year; that you were too busy."

"Well, I changed my mind. Besides, it would probably look weird to be the only house in the neighborhood without something up for the holidays."

Rachel's starting to perk up, "So I can decorate the house?"

"Yes, just don't go crazy. I don't want the place to look like a freakin' winter wonderland. I don't want you putting a bunch of shit outside, just the two trees, if you have to, and maybe some decorations inside." As he leaves the room, he mutters to himself, "Damn, you're like your mother at the holidays. She always wanted to decorate everything."

* * *

After Trigon's gone to his office, she turns on some music. Finding a good station, she turns it up. Her hair is now long enough to pull her it back into a short ponytail. Pulling it back, several wisps of hair fall forward, framing her face. She practically laughs at her excitement. Decorating for Christmas has always been magical for her.

Rachel pulls the trees and decorations from the basement. She sets up one tree in the dining room. That's the "formal" tree and viewed from the street. This tree matches the formality of the dining room. It's not over the top but it's formal enough if they have a client over for dinner. They don't often have clients over but Rachel wants be safe. She doesn't want to make any mistakes so close to Christmas. She set the boxes of decorations next to the tree. There are gold and burgundy with the occasional olive green ornaments. Rachel plugs the white lights into a timer since they rarely enter this room.

The other tree is set up in the family room. It's in the corner near the fireplace and it's more casual. It'll be silver, white, and shades of blue, with small amounts of lime green, and plum. She plans to decorate the trees in the same manner. Rachel likes that they'll look completely different even though they'll be decorated similarly. One tree will be fire and the other will be ice.

With the trees lit, she sets to decorate them. She's meticulous about it. She undoes and re-drapes the garland multiple times. Finally liking the way it is, she smiles to herself. Rachel continues by adding the ornaments, all while singing along with the Christmas carols on the radio. Her last step is to add the icicles, her favorite ornaments, to the blue and silver tree. With glitter all over her, Rachel steps back and smiles. Both trees are loaded with ornaments. She probably couldn't put another one on if she wanted to. The trees are beautiful, they sparkle and shine. Her friends would be shocked to see her so into the decorations. As far as they're concerned, she doesn't believe in anything. '_But they're not apart of my life so it doesn't matter._'

* * *

Christmas morning is quiet in the Roth household. At their leisure, they get up to a stress-free breakfast of pancakes. After they exchange gifts, Trigon says, "I know things have been bad for awhile. I know you've had to put up with a lot and you've given up much because of me."

Rachel shrugs, "That's okay."

He goes over and sits next to his daughter on the sofa. "No, it's not okay. I've hurt you more than I've meant to. You have to understand how hard it was for me to lose Angela. I ended up taking my anger out on you and I'm sorry." Rachel's surprised. He's never admitted to doing anything wrong before. She listens in silence as he continues. "What happened last month has showed me things have to change. I'm going to get help with my anger. It might take awhile but I promise things will get better." He leans over and gives her a hug. Closing her eyes, Rachel hopes it's true because if it is, then it's the best gift she's ever received.

* * *

When Rachel gets home at ten o'clock, the house is empty. She wonders where her father is. He's usually home by now especially on a Wednesday night. Things have been better between the two, especially after what happened right before Thanksgiving. She wonders if that was kind of a wake up call for her dad. There have been no fights, verbal or physical. It has been normal around the house. Maybe this is an early resolution for him.

She's a little concerned. Rachel checks for any messages; there aren't any. As it gets later, she becomes more worried. She decides to wait up for him. She goes upstairs to change into her pajamas.

She doesn't know the house is being watched. When he sees her silhouette go to the stairs, he sneaks to the house. Unlocking the door with the key Trigon gave him, he slips in unnoticed. He hides so he can see her but she won't detect him.

He watches her come down the stairs as she wraps her robe around herself, over her cami and shorts. He takes in the sight of her. He's surprised her hair is short and purple. He's always favored long hair.

After a quick bite to eat, Rachel decides to read in the family room.

Half hour after midnight, Rachel wakes up, thinking she's heard a car pull into the driveway. She goes to the door to see if it's Trigon. No one's there. Wrapping her robe tight around her, she opens the front door to check. Tonight the street is quiet and most of the houses are dark. In a few nights, there will probably be some New Year's Eve parties. Yawning, Rachel decides she must have been dreaming. Seeing that it's late, Rachel wonders if she should just go to bed. She's still worried about her father but there's not much else she can do. She checks for messages again, still nothing. She's uncertain, should she stay up and wait for him?

Unexpectedly, Rachel gets an odd feeling. She kind of feels like someone's watching her. She doesn't know where this feeling's coming from. She's never been afraid to be alone. In fact, she often prefers it. Shivering, she tightens her robe. Unable to shake this insecure sensation, Rachel reaches into her robe pocket making sure her phone is still there. To ease her mind, she rechecks the doors to make sure they're locked. Relieved all the doors are still locked, Rachel leans against the front door and sighs. She chides herself for letting her imagination run wild.

As Rachel passes the dining room on her way to the stair, she stops to admire the tree. She's glad she put the lights on a timer so she doesn't have to bother with it. She turns to go to the stairs but stops and looks in the room again. '_When were the drapes closed? Why are they closed anyway?_' Confused, Rachel hesitates a moment before she enters the room lit only by Christmas lights.

A man's large gloved hand clamps over Rachel's mouth, pulling her against his solid chest. It happens so fast she's only able to yelp her surprise. Her screams are muffled as her fingers frantically try to pry his hand off. The more the teen struggles the tighter he holds her to his chest. He whispers in her ear, "Calm down and I won't hurt you. I have a message for you."

Rachel's eyes grow large, she knows that voice. Panicking, she does the opposite. She fights harder to get away. He tightens his grip. "Listen. I have a message from your father." When Rachel stops struggling, he continues. "You must have thought you were very clever. You got the authorities on your father's case." Rachel slightly shakes her head against his chest. "That's right. _You_ didn't do anything. It was someone from your school who called it in, right?" She slightly nods this time.

All this time she's trying to think of a way to escape. Getting an idea, she hopes it works. Rachel pretends to pass out and slumps against him. It works, his grip loosens and she's able to break free. She runs as fast as she can to the front door.

She just gets it open but he slams it shut. She spins around to confront him. He clamps his hand over her mouth again. He towers over her petite frame. She glares up at him. "Mmph!"

"Aw, what's with all this animosity?"

"Mmpet! Detmidoedumstertt!"

"Hmm, such ugly words from such a lovely young mouth."

"Mstertt! Detmorendzuv mi! Detmidoe!"

"You know, you really should learn to control your anger. I guess you got that from your father." She glares up at him. "If you promise not to scream, I'll take my hand off." Rachel nods and he removes his hand form her mouth.

Rachel tries to put on a brave face but she's terrified. "What are you doing here?"

Seeing the fear in her eyes, he grins. "Like I said I have a message for you from your father."

"He'd never do anything like that. He warned me to stay away from you."

"Perhaps that was so then but now he's changed his mind." He takes his gloves off and runs his hand along the edge of her short hair. "I like the new look."

Rachel shrinks back from him and growls, "Don't touch me."

He takes a step back but places his hands against the door on either side of Rachel's head. "Is this really any way to treat a guest in your house?"

Feeling trapped, she searches for a way out of this situation. Maybe if she stalls him long enough her dad will come home and make him leave. "You're not a guest here. You were never invited here. I never let you in. You broke in. Leave now and I won't tell anyone." She hopes she sound braver than she feels.

"My dear, I did no such thing. Did you hear breaking glass? Did you notice anything out of the ordinary when you where checking the house? Of course not. As for having an invitation …" He pulls a key out of his pocket, "I consider this key your father gave me as an invitation."

Rachel's eyes grow large seeing the key. '_Why would dad do that? Why would he give _him _a key?_'

Answering her thoughts he says, "Your father needed me to give you a message. He'd do it himself but after that stunt you pulled, he can't do a thing to you."

"W-what do you want?" Rachel presses herself against the door trying to keep her distance from him.

"Like I said, your father has a message for you. He needs you to know who's in control around here. I believe his exact words were, 'I need that little bitch to know I'm still in control.' Obviously he can't do anything with the authorities watching him." He chuckles as he slowly paces in front of her. "I do admit it was pretty clever for you to get someone at your school to call it in."

"I didn't do anything."

"Well, that may be so, but according to your father, you still need to be punished."

Rachel frantically searches for a way out. "What are you gonna do, beat up a girl because my dad said to?" She slowly pulls her phone from her pocket. She hopes she get some help. "I always thought you were your own man. If your plan was to scare me, it worked," she admits. "I got the message I won't do anything. I never wanted that to happen in the first place. Please, just leave and I won't tell anyone you were here."

He notices she has her phone in her hand. He grabs her by her hair and pulls her head back. He sneers at her as she grimaces in pain. Wrenching the phone free from her hand, he throws it, smashing it against the wall. He growls, "That was a stupid move. Thought you were smarter than that."

He shoves her into the now darkened dinning room. Rachel tries to run for the French doors on the other side of the room but he grabs her. She screams as he slams her against the table. "No! Let me go!" Ignoring her, he holds her down to the table. Rachel glares over her shoulder at him. "Get off me! Please! Let me go!" She tries to attack him but he's out of her reach.

Leaning against Rachel, he holds her down by her shoulders. She hates that he is so close to her. She tries to push herself off the table but he's so strong. She writhes underneath him, trying to escape. Rachel screams, "_Let me go!_"

"If you don't stop I'll have to hurt you." As if to prove his point, he roughly twists her arm causing her to cry out. She can't believe this is happening. Rachel struggles to get away. He's so strong; still she fights to get away.

Straining to free herself from his unyielding grip, Rachel growls, "Get …off …me! Let …me…_go!_"

"Are you always this defiant? No wonder your father asked for my help. I was only supposed to scare you. Make sure you know not to challenge your father." He brushes aside the hem if her robe causing Rachel to squirm more. "I was going to let you go without much of a punishment, but not now." In a swift movement, he drops her shorts to the floor. He leans down and whispers in her ear, "I warned you."

"NO! STOP!"

"Silence!" He clamps his hand over her mouth, muffling her screams. "We can't have anyone learn about our little secret." '_No! This shouldn't be happening!_' She tries to shake him off but she's no match for him. Chuckling softly, he whispers in Rachel's ear. "The other girl wasn't this challenging. I do believe she wanted it, even though she struggled some at first. She's about your age. Perhaps she's one of your friends?"

Rachel shudders underneath him. She doesn't want this. His touch makes her skin crawl. '_No! This shouldn't be happening!_' Her muffled screams for him to stop do nothing to hinder him. She tries to wriggle away from his prying hand but can't go far because the table blocks her. He ignores her tears and stifled screams. '_No! This shouldn't be happening!_'Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to describe what Rachel's feeling.

He places his hand on her bare ass. Suddenly he stops. He doesn't remove his hands from her but he's motionless. '_Why did he stop? Is he going to let me go? Please, please just let me go. I promise I won't tell anyone._' Rachel takes this opportunity to try to struggle free.

Hearing a noise, she turns her head enough to see the door. She sees why he stopped. She too freezes. Her father is standing in the doorway. She gasps in surprise and burns with shame. She never wanted anyone, especially her father, to see her like this, under this monster. Rachel's also relieved because he'll rescue her. Her eyes grow large with terror as Trigon leaves. He's not going to save his daughter? Even though the light of the foyer only lights the room, he had to have seen she's in danger. Rachel's heart drops when she hears a bottle clank. '_Is he too drunk to_ _care?_' They hear a door slam shut as Trigon leaves. Tears seep out of her eyes; no one's going to save her. She has to do what she can to save herself. She tries to free herself.

With nobody to stop him, he continues. He sneers at her thrashing beneath him. "This is going to happen. And no matter what you wish …"

'_No!_'

"…no matter how you squirm …"

"_NO!_"

"…there's nothing you can do to stop it."

'_No! Please! NOOO!_'Searing pain shoots through her body, eliciting a muffled scream from the girl. The pain is unlike anything Rachel has felt before. She stops fighting to get away. It's pointless; she's already lost. '_This shouldn't be happening!_' Rachel trembles violently; she's repulsed by what's happening.

Since Rachel's given up and not fighting, he removes his hand from her mouth. Gone are the screams; she only has enough energy to whimper her protests. '_This shouldn't be happening!_'

Tears stream from her clenched eyes. '_This shouldn't be happening!_' It wasn't supposed to be like this. It's supposed to be sweet and gentle; with someone she loves. Rachel chokes back a sob.

Hearing her broken sobs, he gruffly says, "What's with the waterworks? Are you not getting as much enjoyment from this as I am?"

"_S-st-op!_" is all she can hoarsely croak out.

What seems like hours to her is really only several minutes. Rachel tries to focus on anything, trying to get her mind to escape. Rachel squeezes her eyes shut, trying to block out everything. '_It wasn't supposed to be like this._' Rachel breaks down sobbing. '_It wasn't supposed to be like this._' Wishing to die, she blacks out from pain and fatigue soon before he's done.

When he backs away from her, she collapses to the floor. "Trigon shouldn't have any trouble controlling his lovely daughter now. Although, I wouldn't mind having another opportunity."

When Rachel comes around, she's alone. Thank God, he's gone. She doesn't know how long she has been out. She doesn't think she been unconscious too long; she's still trembling. She lays on the floor a moment, not able to move. Looking through her hair that has fallen over her eyes, Rachel thinks, '_Th-that didn't just happen._' As she starts to move, pain shoots through her body telling her otherwise. '_Nooo!_'

She feels disgusting, realizing she's lying on the floor half-naked. Her skin burns with shame. '_How could he …why did he do that? Why wouldn't he help me? Why did he leave me with that bastard?_'

She carefully wraps her robe around herself. She feels her heart beating wildly. Gingerly, Rachel uses one arm to prop herself up. Her muscles protest every move but she knows she has to get away. What if he's still in the house? With much effort, Rachel is able to stand up. She tries to push aside the wave of revulsion coming over her as she pulls up her shorts.

With wobbly legs, Rachel creeps out of the room. She shivers violently because of fear and anguish. She's shaking so hard, her teeth are chattering. She can barely make it to the powder room before her legs give out. She gives herself a moment, kneeling in front of the vanity, before trying to stand up again. Refusing to look at herself in the mirror, Rachel splashes her face with cold water.

Rachel feels dirty and disgusting. She wants to take a shower. To try scour _him _off her. The need to get away is almost greater. She has to get out of the house.

She's grateful she didn't get a chance to finish her laundry. Some of her clothes are still in the laundry room. She's also grateful the laundry room is across from the powder room. She carefully puts on some clothes, any clothes, over her pajamas. Doing so takes much effort. She stumbles out of the house into the drizzly night. Rachel has no idea where she's going. She just knows she has to get away. Away from him, away from that house.

* * *

**Um …comments, suggestions?**


	20. Chapter 20:Tourniquet

**Songs About Me**

**Wow! I never thought I'd ever get this many reviews for this little story. =D Thanks for reading.**

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: Seriously, I don't own **_**anything**_**, not the Titans, Evanescence or these lyrics**

**Chapter 20 Tourniquet**

* * *

**"**_**I'm dying / Praying / Bleeding / And screaming / Am I too lost to be saved? / Am I too lost?**_**" - Tourniquet, Evanescence**

* * *

A nurse with strawberry blonde hair walks up to the nurses' station in the ER. She puts a chart away before she asks, "So, Gina, what are your plans for New Year's Eve?"

A full-figured nurse says, "I don't know Sheila. I was thinking about going out but I don't wanna go out on my own."

Sheila asks, "What happened to Christopher? Aren't you still seeing him?"

"_Yes, _I'm still seeing Christopher," she rolls her mahogany eyes, "but I've been with him what seems like forever. I wanna have fun that night and right now Christopher's no fun. Besides, he has to work. What about you, what're you gonna do?"

The perky blonde says, "I was gonna go to a party with a friend but she can't make it. Hey, why don't we go out and have some drinks. I turned twenty-one last month so it'll be fun."

Gina says, "Yeah, that'd work."

Sheila calls over to another nurse, "Hey, Katie, wanna go out with Gina and me for some drinks New Year's Eve?"

Katie says, "I'd love to but I don't have a babysitter for my son. My mom's out of town."

Gina has an idea. "My daughter's watching her cousin, Michael. He and Caden get along; so why don't you let Gia watch him too?"

"You're sure Georgia won't mind?"

"Nah, she'll be cool with it. Wanna go out with us? We're not gonna go too crazy." Katie agrees to this.

A doctor in his mid-thirties with dark hair and dark mischievous eyes walks by the counter. Sheila asks, "Dr. Owens, what are you doing New Year's Eve?"

He replies, "Working of course. I celebrate most holidays a few days later."

Gina laughs, "You just like to spread things out, don't you?"

All joking stops when the emergency room doors swing open as the paramedics push in a gurney. Dr. Owens jumps in next to them, matching their stride. "What do you have?"

"Unconscious Caucasian female, mid to late teens …possible overdose …possible hypothermia."

Dr. Owens glances down at the girl. She's soaked to the bone. "Did you pull her from the bay?"

"No, she was found in Ashton Park near McMurray College."

Confused, Dr. Owens looks up at the paramedic; McMurray College is nowhere near any water. "Is it raining that much?" Sheila and Katie join them.

"No," says the paramedic, "but it's been drizzling all night."

"Let's go to exam room three. Know anything about her?"

"Nothing, there's no ID." Dr. Owens swears under his breath as the paramedic continues. "Cops found her in the park just off of the campus. Guess she was just sitting at a bus stop in the rain. One of them went up to her to see if she was all right. The cop said she looked at him with weird blank eyes and she collapsed in his arms. Maybe she's a student?"

"Who would be at a bus stop at four-thirty in the morning?" The doctor eyes the girl with hair that looks like it's dark purple as they move her to the hospital bed. "She looks like she can't be any older than sixteen."

"Well, that's all we know. Good luck and happy new year."

The doctor returns the well wishes as the paramedics leave. He turns attention to the motionless teen. He starts checking her vital signs. "Her pulse is a little slow and her temperature is cooler than I'd like. Get her out of those wet clothes. We need to get her warm." He checks on another patient while the nurses remove the drenched garments and draw some blood.

"Dr. Owens," Sheila stops him in the hallway. "The unconscious girl in exam room three, it seems she may have been attacked." She explains as they go to the adolescent's bed. "There are contusions and lacerations on her wrist. There are also contusions forming around her lips as if someone was covering her mouth."

They go over to the bed where the girl lays; she's now wearing only a hospital gown. The doctor notices the dark bruises forming on her pale slender wrist. Katie says in a hushed tone, "It's worse than we thought. I'm afraid she's been assaulted. She has external signs of trauma."

"Damn." He looks down at the teen; she reminds him a little of his kid sister in Seattle. '_Sometimes I hate this job._' "Gina, anything back on the blood work for our Jane Doe?"

"Nothing yet. I can call and check again."

"Do that," says Dr. Owens, "And bring in a rape kit."

As Gina sets up the supplies she voices the others thoughts, "How could someone hurt this baby girl? Someone should cut off that guy's …"

"Gina!"

"I was gonna say: someone should cut off that guy's arms and beat him with them. But, hey, what you were thinking works too."

Dr. Owens asks a female doctor to do the exam. He doesn't feel right doing it even though he has the ability to do it. Now he envisions this girl as a friend of his sister's. Also, he can't imagine how traumatizing it'd be for this girl to regain consciousness while he was doing the exam.

He's in the hall when his colleague comes out. She nods sadly, "Your Jane Doe has been sexually assaulted. Find out anything about her?"

"I checked with the police. No one's called a missing teen. There are no drugs in her system. She's probably here because she's in shock."

Sheila runs out to the hall. "Doctor, she's coding." The two doctors follow the nurse. Alarms are going off in the cubicle.

"BP's dropping"

"I can't get a pulse."

_BEEEEEEEEEEEP_

"She's flat lining."

"Start chest compressions."

"She's not responding."

"Damn it! Don't die on me!" Dr. Owens says as he continues CPR, "Come on, sweetheart, fight! You have to fight to live. Don't let the bastard who did this to you win."

_BEEP - BEEP - BEEP_

"I've got a slight pulse."

The teen suddenly breathes in sharply. Still unconscious, her breathing slowly returns to normal.

"BP's rising."

"Her pulse is steady."

Relieved, Dr. Owens says to her, "Somehow, I knew you were a fighter."

They continue to monitor her vital signs. Even though she's still not awake, everything is returning to normal.

* * *

Rachel starts to wake up. She quietly groans; everything hurts. Every fiber of her being aches. '_What happened?_'

She hears strange sounds, beeping and voices. Some of the voices are coming from far away, like on an intercom. '_I can't be at school. The voices, beeping, something is not right,_' Rachel tries to figure things out.

She tries to open her eyes but her eyelids are so heavy. Slowly opening her eyes, Rachel notices she's in a hospital. '_I was in an accident or dad did a real number on me. It couldn't have been dad. He'd never bring me to a hospital after beating me,_'

She lifts her hand up to rub her aching head but can't. It takes too much effort. Her arms feel as if they're made of lead. Only lifting her arm a few inches, she drops her arm back to her side.

Gina sees Rachel is waking up. "Hi, sweetie. You're okay. I'm going to get the doctor."

When the doctor comes into the room, Rachel's eyes are searching the room. She's searching for her dad. She's afraid of what he'll do when he finds her here. The handsome doctor goes over to the bed. "Hi, I'm Dr. Eric Owens, you're in the hospital …" The beeping of the heart monitor reveals her panic. "…but you're going to be all right. How are you feeling? Can you tell me what hurts?"

Rachel groans. She's justly aware that her throat and mouth are dry. She tries to lick her dry, chapped lip before speaking but it doesn't help. Rachel croaks out, "All …" She's surprised by how gravelly her voice sounds. She doesn't sound like herself at all. That one word scratches across her sore throat. She wonders what happened.

Dr. Owens shines a light in her eyes. He checks her pulse and other vital signs. "Do you remember what happened?" Rachel cautiously shakes her head no. "It's okay. You've probably been through a lot. We'll give you something for the pain."

Rachel watches the nurse inject the painkillers into her IV. Soon Rachel begins to feel groggy. Painkillers seem to have that effect on her. As she falls asleep a thought crosses her mind again, '_What happened?_'

Dr. Owens and Gina exchange concerned glances over the sleeping girl. They have their suspicions about how she has suffered. They wonder if it would be better if she never remembered.

* * *

_Rachel suddenly feels the need to run; danger is nearby. Rachel feels a sense of urgency and panic. She doesn't know why she's feeling this. She's alone and that has never bothered her before. Looking around, she sees nothing out of the ordinary._

_Needing to escape, Rachel runs through the city. The people don't even notice her. She feels like someone's following her. She turns to look over her shoulder; nothing's there. Turning forward, she's now running through a forest. Scared and confused, Rachel wonders what is happening. _

_She's tired but she has to keep running. Someone is following her. She doesn't know who or why. She turns around when she hears a noise behind her. Again, nothing. _

_She comes across a house in the forest. She's never seen this house but it feels familiar. It feels safe and something's telling her to go inside it. She knocks on the door. There's no answer but the door swings open slightly. She enters the house even though nobody's home. She can't shake that this house feels like a safe haven._

_Rachel's looking around the house, things seem normal. She sees a crack in the wall. When she runs her finger along the crack, it starts to break apart, until there's a hole in the wall. She's afraid but she's also curious. She looks inside the small hole. She's surprised; it looks like it's another house. How could there be a house inside the walls of her house? _

_Rachel carefully works away at the hole until it's large enough for her to fit through. She climbs through the hole, entering the hidden house. It looks nothing like her old house but it reminds her of it. There are things, toys, from her childhood. Dust filtered sunlight shines through the windows of the hidden house. How is that possible? Nobody's around but there is a TV on. What's going on? What does this mean? She continues to look around. Everything looks normal. Hearing voices that sound familiar, she goes to investigate. She peaks her head around a corner. A hand clamps down on her shoulder. She screams._

Rachel's eyes fly open; she's awake. It was just a dream; she's safe. She remembers she's in a hospital. '_How safe am I if I ended up in a hospital? What happened? Why can't I remember?_' When Rachel starts to roll over on her side, her muscles protest. Everything hurts her legs, arms, sides, back, stomach, head, and throat. She feels as if she did a triathlon five times in a row. Even her fingernails hurt.

After some effort, Rachel lays on her side. She clutches her abdomen as she feels a major cramp. It's worse than she has ever had before. '_What's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I sick or something? Did I pass out at school? Did they bring me here? If that happened, they would've called dad. Did dad beat me so bad that he had to drop me off at the hospital? What happened! Why don't I remember!_'

Eyeing the new bruises on her arm, Rachel catches sight of her ID bracelet. It has 'Jane Doe' instead of her name. She whispers to herself, "That means they don't know who I am. I wasn't at home or school when I passed out?" Rachel is trying to figure things out when a nurse comes into the room.

The nurse says, "Oh, you're awake. How are feeling? Can I get you anything?"

Rachel says hoarsely, "Everything hurts but I don't want anything for it. I don't like how the painkillers make me feel. I feel so groggy."

Checking Rachel's charts, the nurse says, "Okay, I'll see if I can find something else for you."

"Um, what day is it?"

The nurse replies, "Today's Saturday." '_I've lost a day,_ _what could've happened?_' The nurse breaks into Rachel's thoughts "Press the call button if you need anything. I'll be back in a little while to check on you."

Before loosing her courage Rachel asks, "Uh, um, could you tell me what happened? Why am I here?"

"I wasn't on duty when you came in. All I know is the police found you unconscious in Ashton Park. You were suffering from hypothermia. There were some …complications, but you are doing much better now. If you want to know more I could send the doctor in."

"No, that's okay." Rachel tries to understand what this new information means. '_Complications? What kind of complications? Could I have died? What happened? I was by myself; I'm missing a day. What happened? __**Why**__ can't I remember? Think, Rachel, think. What could have been so horrible that I would block it out?' _

She searches her memory for any thing that might help. '_I came home and dad was drunk, again. No, I was home and he came home late. He was very drunk. No, that's not right. Someone else was there. Someone …_' She closes her eyes hoping to remember.

Rachel has flashbacks-being roughly held down, her muffled screams for him to stop, searing pain-her eyes fly open 'Oh my God!_ No. No! NO! He __…__nooo!_' She remembers.

When Dr. Owens and a nurse come into the room, Rachel is curled up on her side. She's staring at the wall. "Hey, they told me you were awake. How are you doing? Need anything or have any questions?" says the doctor.

Not moving, Rachel asks, "When can I go?"

"Well, first we need to know your name."

Rachel stares into space for a moment. "It's Ra…ley. My name is Raley …Johnson. Can I go now?"

"Okay, Raley Johnson, we're going to need some information. We need to call your parents."

"No, you can't do that."

He eyes her suspiciously, "And why not?"

"My mom's gone and my dad is out of town on business. He'll be out of town until next week," lies Rachel.

"Were you staying with anybody? Are there any friends or family we can call?"

"No, we just moved here." Rachel lies again. "We don't know anybody. I don't have any other family. It's just dad and me,"

"So, you were home all alone?"

"I'm almost sixteen. I don't need a babysitter. I can handle being alone." '_Obviously, I can't or else I wouldn't be here in this situation. That's probably what they're thinking._' Sitting up with some effort, Rachel asks, "What happened?"

The adults exchange a look. "Well, I don't know what happened before you came into the E.R. When they brought you in, you were unconscious. You were suffering from hypothermia; your core temperature was very low. We were treating you for that when your … you really should have a parent or guardian here when I discuss this with you."

For the first time, Rachel really looks Dr. Owens in the eye. She says in a soft but firm voice, "Please, tell me. It involves _my_ body. I _want _to know. I can handle it. _Please_?"

He studies the determination on Rachel's face. '_She's been through so much in the past 24-48 hours. I don't want to put more on her, but she's right. It involves her body._' "All right, I'll tell you, but know that what happened was only because of the distress the cold and rain had on your body. You are fine now and there's no reason to think it will ever happen again. You're sure you don't want us to call somebody for you?"

Rachel nods, "Please just tell me."

"Okay, Raley, if you're sure." Rachel again nods. Dr. Owens continues, "As we were treating you, your heart started to fail. For a brief moment your heart actually stopped. It didn't stop long enough to cause any damage. You're fine now and I don't see any reason why it would happen again."

While he is telling Rachel this, he is watching her. As he tells her about her heart, she puts her hand to her heart. '_My __…__heart __…__stopped? Could I have died? If it went on too long I might have.'_

"Raley? Raley?" The doctor's voice interrupts Rachel's thoughts. She blinks several times, and then looks up at him. "Raley, you're okay now. You're safe."

"Did I almost die? Could I have died if you couldn't fix things in time?"

"Raley, look at me." She does. "We had things under control. If we didn't, you might have some lasting complications. It was a scary moment, but you are fine now. There's no reason you won't live a long life."

Rachel looks down at the hospital I.D. bracelet she has been toying with. She thinks about what the doctor said and what her life has been like. When she does speak, it's barely above a whisper. "But I could've died. If things didn't go right, I, I could've died. I would've died as a 'Jane Doe'. Maybe …" she sighs, "…maybe that would've been best. I would've just died as Jane Doe and nobody would have to bother. I would just be gone, done, my story finished."

"Raley, you are not going to die. It would matter if you did die. You're family and friends would worry if they didn't know what happened to you."

Rachel says sadly, "I don't have any friends, my mother's …dead, and my father doesn't want me. He never has. But that doesn't matter. I didn't die"

Dr. Owens watches Rachel finger a new bruise on her arm. He asks, "Who did that to you? Somebody hurt you. Do you know who it was?"

Their eyes lock for a second before she quickly looking down. She wonders what he knows. She shakes her head. He sighs and says he'll check in on her later.

Alone, Rachel frantically looks around the room. '_Does he know what happened to me? Will he tell the police?_' She spots her clothes and with difficulty climbs out of bed.'_I have to get out of here. Nobody can know what happened._'

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**So, what do ya think? Again thanks for reading.**


	21. Chapter 21: Storm of Sorrow

**Songs About Me**

**1000 apologies for taking so long. I didn't mean for you to have to wait so many months. -_-' Thanks for waiting.**

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Epica or any lyrics**

**Chapter 21: Storm the Sorrow**

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**"**_**Just tell me why / Just tell me how / I can survive this time**_**" -Storm the Sorrow, Epica**

* * *

Rachel huddles against the wind in the oversized sweatshirt she "borrowed" from the hospital. The sweatshirt engulfs her petite frame; it looks like it'd fit Vic. '_I'm surprised that nurse believed me when I said my older brother left behind his sweatshirt over the_ _weekend. She just let me search the box. She never asked me any questions._' The scarf and hat, she stole those but they were in the lost and found and she figured someone forgot about them.

The broken teen slowly walks from the hospital. '_Where do I go? I can't go to my friends. I don't have any. I pushed them all away. I lied to them and they probably hate me. I know I do. I've lied so much about my parents, who's gonna believe me? I can't tell anyone about this. No one will believe …_'

Rachel doesn't think about where she's going. She just walks. When Rachel arrives at her street, she's surprised. She cautiously goes up to her house. She's relieved her father's car is gone. She can't deal with him. She doesn't want to be here but she has nowhere else to go.

When Rachel pulls her keys out of her pocket, she drops them instantly. It's almost as if they burn her fingers. She stares at them lying on the porch. '_Why would he do that? Why would he send him here? Why, why wouldn't he help me? He had to see I needed help. He had to see what that monster …_' She forces herself to stop, she can't finish that thought. Rachel glances around hoping no one sees her just standing there. She quickly grabs the keys and unlocks the door. Entering her house, she has a strange sense of dread; it's greater than she's ever felt. This is where _it_ happened.

Refusing to look towards the dining room, Rachel hurries up the stairs. Once she's in her bathroom, she locks the door. She turns the hot water on full blast. Soon the small room fills with steam. When she tests the water, it's too hot. She turns on the cold just enough to cool it down some. With her eyes shut, Rachel hesitantly strips off her clothes. She doesn't want to lose their protective barrier but she needs to cleanse herself.

Inside the shower, the water's still too hot. Goosebumps form on her skin as she adjusts the temperature; she wants it as hot as she can stand. She touches the crook of her elbow where the IV was. It's a little sore from her pulling it out. She wishes that were her only pain.

As she washes herself, she remembers his hands on her. She can practically feel his rough touch. She leans against the shower wall. With her eyes shut tight, she tries to push the memories out of her mind. Rachel can't shake them; everything bombards her. She retches several times without bringing anything up. Her whole body trembles with fear and disgust. Her knees buckle and she drops down to the base of the tub.

They repulse her for what they did to her stealing her innocence and her self-worth, her future. She can't imagine ever wanting to be with a guy. '_I'll never have another boyfriend. I'll never get married. I'll never have children. I'll never have a real family._' Rachel weeps, grieving the loss of her future. '_I'll never have a chance at being happy. I hate him. I hate both of them._'

She sits huddled in the corner of the tub, the water raining down on her for most of an hour. The tears have stopped; right now, she doesn't have any left. The water's cold for a while before Rachel notices. She shivers from the cold but doesn't want to move. Thinking about what happened in the hospital, about her heart stopping; Rachel slowly and stiffly gets up. She doesn't want something like that to happen again. Turning off the water, she refuses to look at herself. She's never cared for the sight of her body but now she hates it. She's repulsed by what happened. After drying off, Rachel realizes she didn't bring any clothes. She hastily throws on the oversized sweatshirt and stumbles to her room. After securing the lock on her door, Rachel collapses on her bed. She brings the edge of her blanket up and over her. She lies curled up in a trance-like state. She doesn't sleep but she's not aware of what's going on around her.

A loud noise startles her awake. Rachel didn't realize she dozed off. What was that noise? It happens again. It takes her a moment to understand that fireworks are going off but why. She peaks out from under her covers. Her clock reads a few minutes after midnight. '_Happy new year._' She buries herself back under the blanket and falls asleep listening to the fireworks.

Rachel gradually wakes up to the sound of bird outside her window. She's surprised it's morning. She doesn't know when she fell soundly to sleep. With her muscles aching and tender, she throws back her blankets. Carefully she swings her bare legs over the side of her bed. For a moment, Rachel's surprised to be only wearing a massive sweatshirt. Remembering everything, she coils herself up and submerges under the blankets again. She needs to stop shaking but can't. Rachel tries to focus on her uneven breathing. Slowly she begins to calm down. Rachel tries to think of nothing except the sound of her own breath as she stares at the underside of the blanket.

The shattered teen spends half of the day in a fitful sleep. Rachel wakes up slowly. Her head throbs and her shoulder aches due to the angle in which she lays. She tells herself she should get up or at least move to lessen the dull pain of her shoulder. However, the soreness seeping from her shoulder blade is a welcome distraction from the rest of the pain she feels. She's been vaguely aware of her surroundings but she hasn't heard a thing from her father. She doesn't know where he is and right now, she doesn't care. '_He could be dead for all I care._' Rachel drifts back to sleep.

When she finally wakes up, Rachel realizes she's a little hungry and thirsty. She can't remember the last time she had anything. Very slowly, she actually gets out of bed. Rachel opens her door slightly and listens. She hears nothing; her father's not home. Sighing, she leans against the door closing it. She's relieved; she doesn't want anything to do with him.

Even though she's alone there's no way she can go around the house in just a sweatshirt, even if it covers everything. Rachel throws on some of her old clothes that are too loose on her. She pulls the "hospital" sweatshirt on over her clothes. For some reason she feels safe in it. Rachel accidentally catches her reflection in her mirror and gasps. '_I fell asleep with my hair wet. It dried and it's sticking out in every direction._' Rachel pulls the hood up before exiting her room. She timidly goes down the stairs. It's such a strange sensation to be so afraid in your own house. She can't think of it as a home. She left that back in Hamilton.

* * *

In the kitchen, Rachel dunks her head under the faucet. With it wet, she runs her fingers through her hair, forcing it down.

Rachel thirstily gulps down the water. She didn't realize how dehydrated she was but she's drinking too fast. Her stomach can't handle so much so fast. She races to the sink, throwing up the water. After she's done, she splashes cool water on her face. She leans her head against the granite countertop. She berates herself, '_Come on Rachel, you're smart enough. You know how to take care of yourself after a beating._' She slowly drinks the water.'_I shouldn't be _this _messed up. But it wasn't just a beating. Da… he sent him here. Did he send him here to …do that to me, not just to scare me? Or did that bastard just decide to do what he wanted?_' Rachel wraps her arms around herself. '_Why didn't da… he help me? Does he hate me that much?_' She can't bring herself to call her father dad.

For the first time, Rachel notices the light blinking on the answering machine, there's a message. She goes over to the phone. She stares at the blinking light. A part of her is afraid of what the message will be. Rachel tentatively pushes the button. Trigon's voice comes out of the speaker, "I have, uh, business to take care of. So I'll be out of town for a few days. Actually, I'll probably be back early next week if things go as planned. If you need anything call my cell phone." That's the only message. There are a few blank slots; someone hangs up without leaving a message.

Rachel just wants to stay in her room. She gathers several bottles of water and non-perishable food she can keep in her room. She takes the supplies back to her room. Worn out, she goes back to bed. Her slumber is not very peaceful; it's peppered with nightmares. Each time she's startled awake she doesn't remember the nightmare. She just feels terrified when she opens her eyes.

Rachel wakes up in a cold sweat. She rests her forehead on her knees as she tries to catch her breath. She catches a glimpse of her purple hair. Why did she ever want purple hair? Its uniqueness now makes it hideous.

Rachel frantically digs through her closet. She knows she has it in there somewhere. She's already checked her dresser and desk. Throwing clothes, books and papers everywhere, Rachel crawls deeper into her closet. She lets out a sigh of relieve when she finds what she's been looking for. Grasping a bottle tight to her chest, Rachel climbs out of her closet. '_I knew I had some black hair dye. I got it just in case Trigon didn't like my purple hair. He didn't care but now I hate it. I want it gone._'

She goes to her bathroom and hastily dyes her hair black. Doing it so quickly, she misses some small sections. Now Rachel has black hair streaked with purple. Most of it's black so it doesn't look bad. Rachel doesn't care how it looks; she just doesn't want a head of ugly purple hair.

Rachel enters her room exhausted again. '_How can I be so tire if I've slept so much?_' She spots something that she tossed out of her closet earlier. She goes over and picks up the stuffed animal. She'd almost forgotten she still had that. Holding the bunny tight to her chest, Rachel closes her eyes. She thinks the last time she slept with it she was in kindergarten or first grade. Maybe it was second grade, she doesn't know but everything was simpler and innocent back then. '_Things were more innocent a week ago._' With tears in her eyes, Rachel climbs into bed with her once forgotten toy. She may be turning sixteen next month but there are times when a girl needs the comfort of an old childhood friend.

Rachel lies in bed wondering what day it is. She tries to figure it out but soon gives up. She groans; he'll probably be back soon. She doesn't know what she'll do when Trigon comes back. '_I could run away but where would I go?_'

Rachel's startled awake by someone ringing the doorbell and knocking on the front door. Confused, Rachel gets out of bed. Who would be pounding on the door in the middle of the night? What's their problem that they have to ring the doorbell and knock? When she exits her room, she's shock to find it's still daylight out. Her room is so dark she thought it was nighttime.

Cautiously, she checks out the side window to see who it is. '_What is Debbie doing here? Was I supposed to work today?_' Slowly, Rachel opens the door.

Debbie lets out a sigh of relieve. "I'm so glad you answered. I was so worried when you didn't show up at the café. You've never missed work without calling." She stops when she notices the dark circles under Rachel's eyes. "Are you all right?"

Rachel self-consciously runs her hand through her hair, trying to tame it. "I'm sorry. I, I was up all night sick. I meant to call in sick but I guess I fell asleep and forgot. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to worry you."

Debbie doesn't think of Rachel as just a co-worker. She still thinks fondly of her even after breaking up with her son. She reaches out to touch Rachel's shoulder caringly but the teen recoils from her hand. The older woman gives her a questioning glance.

Rachel can't stand the thought of someone, anyone touching her even if it's out of kindness and concern. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to get sick."

"Aw, don't worry about me. I'm concerned about you. Do you need anything?"

"No, that's okay." Rachel lies, "My …dad is at the store picking up some things. He should be back soon."

"Well, okay. If you need anything don't hesitate to give me a call."

Rachel thanks Debbie and reassures her that she'll be all right. Once Debbie leaves, Rachel leans against the front door and sighs. She's relieved that Debbie bought her story and didn't question her more. Rachel's eyes widen suddenly. This is where she was standing the other night. It's were it all started. She nervously turns to look at the dining room. That's where that monster changed her life.

Full of apprehension, Rachel slowly goes to the dining room. She doesn't want to but she can't help herself. It's like coming across an accident on the interstate. You can't help but look at it even though you don't want to. She feels like she should try to face her fears.

She can almost see and hear what happened the other night. It's as if she sees their ghosts. It's almost as if it's happening again. "No! Stop it!" She clasps her hands over ears. Squeezing her eyes shut she tries to back away from it. "Stop! Stop it! STOP IT! !" Rachel backs up into the Christmas tree and screams. Her senses are overloaded; she doesn't know where she is or what's happening. A few ornaments shatter on the floor shaking her out of her daze. She looks around the room. She's alone; no one else is here.

She looks at the tree. It's always been so beautiful and magical in her eyes. Now it's tainted, ugly. She tried to focus on the tree when everything was happening. She hates it. Screaming in anger and frustration, Rachel shoves the tree over, breaking more ornaments.

Nearly hysterical, she grabs every ornament she can get her hands on and throws it against the wall. The sound of them shattering against the wall is earsplitting but almost sounds pleasing to her. Rachel hesitates when she picks up a certain ornament. It's her favorite; her father gave it to her before her life was hell. She glares down at the shimmering angel in her hand. With more force than the others, she smashes it. Odd as it might be, it feels a little therapeutic being so destructive.

* * *

Rachel lies on her bed. She doesn't understand why she's so tired. It seems like all she does is sleep. She feels so betrayed by everyone and everything. She even feels like her own body betrayed her. '_Shouldn't I have been able to fight him off? I know he's a large guy but shouldn't my adrenaline kicked in. Wasn't I terrified enough to fight him? Maybe it is my fault. I couldn't stop him so it's as if I let him do that._' Rachel guiltily runs her finger along the fresh cut on her arm. '_Why did I do that? Why do I let my emotions get the best of me?'_ She winces, the self-inflicted wound stings. '_Maybe this is kind of a punishment for tearing down the tree like that. Maybe I deserved to have _that_ happen to me. Da… he tells me all the time I deserve the bad things that happen to me. I guess he's right. I deserve punishment for all I've done that's wrong._'

With a deep sigh, Rachel gets up and goes downstairs. '_Guess I should pick things up before _he_ comes back. I don't want to give him any reasons to punish me. I'm sure he won't care that the tree's gone. He never liked it or wanted it. Kinda like me._'

* * *

Rachel hides the last of the Christmas tree and ornaments in the garage. She'll put it out for the trash in the morning. She hopes Trigon won't find it. She jumps when a key's put in the side door. '_Not again!_' She's slightly relieved to see Trigon. Her relief doesn't last long. She's still terrified of her father even though he didn't hurt her directly. '_What kind of monster does that to their kid? If he doesn't want me couldn't he just send me away?_' Rachel doesn't realize she's trembling while glaring at Trigon.

Trigon doesn't notice her reaction to him. "What are you doing here? I thought you were spending winter break with a friend." If he expects her to answer, he doesn't give her much time before continuing. "I tried to call your cell phone but I couldn't get through. Did you lose it or break it? You should be more responsible. You're old enough to take care of your things."

While Trigon's been talking, Rachel realizes she never saw any evidence of that horrible night. Her broken phone is gone. '_Did that monster come back and clean up? Or was he …was he still in the house? Could he have attacked me again?_' At that thought, Rachel's stomach churns. She races to the bathroom and throws up.

Concerned hearing his daughter get sick, Trigon follows her. Rachel's surprised he's there when she comes out bathroom. He asks, "Are you all right?" Rachel shrugs and nods at the same time. She flinches when he put his hand on her forehead. "Hm, you feel a little warm. It could be you have the flu. Come on; let's get you settled on the sofa." Trigon gets his daughter a blanket as she settles down on the sofa in the family room.

Rachel's startled awake by voices. She pretends to be asleep as she listens. It's Trigon and a woman's voice. Rachel figures out the woman's a social worker. She hears him say, "She's my daughter. Why would I want to hurt her in any way?" Rachel can't hear the social worker's response. Trigon says, "This has been hard on her. She's been having nightmares. She's afraid of her family falling apart more than it already has." Rachel thinks, '_I don't have a family anymore; you made sure of that. And what do you know about nightmares? Thanks to you I constantly have them._' The adults continue to talk. Trigon has all the right answers; sounds so concerned about his daughter. '_You didn't cared about me when you were beating me, so why start now?_'

After the social worker leaves, Trigon enters the family room. Rachel's still pretending to be asleep. She doesn't know if he realizes she's awake or not. He says, "You've done everything right so far. You're pathetic enough to gain sympathy. Soon they should forget about your little predicament and I'll be done with this investigation. I knew I could talk my way out of it. You should've known better than to take me on. Remember, I promised to make you life a living hell."

Trigon leaves after giving his little speech. His daughter continues to lie still. Tears seep out from her lashes. '_Did you ever care about me?_'

Rachel misses a day or two of school because she's sick with the flu. She's scared to go back to school. She knows it's ridiculous to be afraid. Nothing should happen at school. Ever since she pushed away her friends, she's been alone. Nobody's bothered her. She knows _he_ wouldn't follow her to school. Even if he did, people, not friends but people would be around her. _He_ can't hurt her again. However, Rachel hates the thought of being in such close quarters with so many people.

Trigon drops her off at school, unaware of his daughter's apprehension. Full of dread, Rachel enters the noisy high school. She tightly clutches to her backpack as her eyes quickly scan the hallway. Everything is normal. In fact, nobody even notices her. She makes it to her locker without any incidences.

Somebody runs into her. A guy grabs her by her shoulders to steady her. "Sorry. Didn't see you there." He's gone before Rachel can even react. With a scream frozen in her throat, Rachel tries to keep from breaking down. Her heart is beating wildly and she's visibly shaking. Clutching her books to her chest, she leans against the lockers as she begins to calm down.

'_I've hardly been in school for five minute and my nerves are unraveling. How am I going to survive almost four more months of this? I hate being around all these people._

With a deep shuddering breath, Rachel goes to her first class. She hopes she'll feel a little normal in class.

As she walks to class with her head down, she bumps into someone. The guy turns around; it's Jason. She hasn't really seen him since they broke up. He's apparently moved on; he has his arm around a girl. He says, "Hey Rachel how was your winter break?"

"I…" Rachel struggles to keep the tears from forming.

He can't help but notice that she's upset. He assumes it's because she sees him with his new girlfriend. "Hey," he says concerned, "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

She shakes her head and pushes passed them. She quickly says, "I have to get to class."

She hears the girl with Jason say, "What's her problem?" Rachel wonders as she hurries to class, '_How am I going to do this?_'

Rachel survives her class and all the others that day. Part of her is glad she switched her classes a few months ago. Now she's not in the same classes as Gar and Kori. She's relieved she doesn't have to see them every other day. If they could see her, would they know something's wrong?

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**Thanks again. As always comment and suggestions are welcome.**


	22. Chapter 22: Candles

**Songs About Me**

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Daughter or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 22: Candles**

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**"**_**Well I have brittle bones it seems / I bite my tongue and torch my dreams / Have a little voice to speak with / And a mind of thoughts and secrecy / Things cannot be reversed, we learn from the times we are cursed / That things cannot be reversed, learn from the ones we fear the most / And learn from the ones we hate the most**_**"-Candles by Daughter**

* * *

As much as Rachel dislikes school, it's forcing her to get back to a normal routine. She goes through all the right actions but that horrible night still affects her. She can't forget it. '_It's been over a month. Things should be back to normal. Shouldn't I just get over it, forget about it._**' **She can't get it out of her mind.

One day as Rachel moves through the crowded halls at lunchtime, she gets an odd sensation. She feels like someone's watching her. Not able to shake this feeling, Rachel goes into a restroom. Hiding in a stall, she berates herself for being so paranoid. Even when she was having trouble with Kitten, she wasn't this pitiful.

With her nerves calm, she starts to open the stall door when a couple of girls come in the restroom. Rachel recognizes the girls; they're from one of her classes. She hides again. The girls are talking about their dates over the weekend. Rachel overhears them.

"He was amazing. As soon as we got there, we were pulling our clothes off. We were naked in no time."

"Did you go all the way?"

"Of course, you don't go out with him if you're not willing to put out. What about you?"

"We didn't do it but we did fool around. I've never had a guy do that to me and …ohmigod …I'm getting hot just thinking about it."

"Have you had sex before?"

"Not yet. I want to but I'm a little nervous."

"You'll like it. You should go out with Roy. He knows how to show a girl a good time."

Rachel feels her face getting red. She can't believe these girls are so casually talking about sex. Her skin crawls at just the thought of being near a guy, let alone having sex.

The blonde, Marcy says, "Roy definitely knows what to do. He'll make you forget about everything while you're with him." They laugh as they leave the room.

Rachel waits a moment before exiting the stall. She splashes water on her face. As she dries her face, she studies her reflection. '_Would being with someone like Roy make me stop thinking about that night?_' Her pale cheeks flush as Rachel considers this idea. Would something like that work? '_Could I really do something like that?_' She stays frozen like this until someone enters the restroom. Rachel runs out into the hall, receiving a strange look from the girl who entered the room.

Rachel wanders the halls wondering if she could even do something as simple as hug or kiss a guy let alone be naked with one. She almost laughs at that thought, '_I can barely get undressed to take a shower._'

She spends the rest of her classes that day not focused. The last few weeks she's not focused but this time it's not specifically about the attack. Usually, she's trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could've done differently. This time, Rachel's trying to figure out if she could actually go up to Caitlyn and Marcy and ask for Roy's number.

"Rachel?" The teacher, Mr. Harris, interrupts her thoughts. She looks up surprised. Teachers rarely call on her anymore. They haven't really called on her since Trigon was accused of abusing her. Rachel assumes the principal told them not to single her out. "Can you answer the question?" With a fearful expression, Rachel stares back at her teacher. "Do you even know what the question is?" She opens her mouth to say something but quickly closes it. She looks down at her desk and shakes her head no. Mr. Harris sighs then asks another student.

Rachel feels her face getting red as she continues to stare at her desk. She hears some of the students snicker around her. Someone behind her mutters freak. Rachel rapidly blinks her eyes trying to hold back the tears. She hates how emotional she is lately

She's relieved when the bell rings. She's gathering her books when Mr. Harris calls her name. "Rachel, I'd like to speak with you for a moment." She silently growls to herself. Mr. Harris waits until the other students are out of the room. "I know you've only been in this class a few weeks but I think you can do better. Your grade's slipping; you're not focused. Is something wrong?

Avoiding eye contact, Rachel thinks, '_Everything is wrong!_' but says, "No, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better."

He looks at her with concern, "I've heard you're a smart girl. If you need any help just let me know. I'm sure you could get your grade up in no time."

Rachel forces herself to look her teacher in the eye. "I promise I'll try to do better. Can I go now? I have to get to my after school job."

"Okay you can go. I just wanted to touch base. Remember if you need any help let me know." Rachel nods before she leaves. Once she's in the hall, she rolls her eyes. She knows she'll never go to anyone for the help she needs.

While walking to the café, Rachel thinks about what Mr. Harris said. '_I have to do better in school or else they might tell Trigon. I have to be more careful. I can't let anyone figure out what's happened._' She checks her watch. She's been so lost in thought that now she's running late.

* * *

At the café, Rachel changes in the employee restroom. Laura, a coworker says, "Don't worry, I covered for you."

Annoyed at being late and everything in general, Rachel snaps, "I'd have a better chance of getting here on time if I wasn't scheduled so close to school getting out."

"Well, it'll probably get better once you get your license and a car."

"I don't think that's gonna happen any time soon."

"Why not?"

Rachel rolls her eyes wishing she never said anything. "I have to pay for everything myself. With just an after school job, I'd barely be able to pay for gas let alone but a car and the insurance." She shrugs as she steps out of the stall. "So I guess I keep walking or taking the bus. I'm okay with that."

Debbie comes into the break room. "You know you were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago?"

"Well I'm here now so I better get to work." She pushes passed her ex-boyfriend's mother.

Before stepping out onto the café floor Rachel stops and listens. She's only worked a few times since the unthinkable happened and she's still very jumpy. She's listening for _his_ voice. _He's_ never shown up at the café but that doesn't mean he wouldn't. Not hearing anything out of the ordinary, she forces a smile and goes out to wait on customers.

She's just turned in an order when someone calls her name. Rachel turns around to see Vic's grandma. "Uh, hi Mrs. Stone."

"Sweetie, remember you can call me Gayle. How've you been? It's been a long time since been over."

"I know, I'm sorry, Gayle. I'm …okay, just kind of busy. You know with school and everything."

"I understand Victor's been extremely busy. Still, you should come over sometime. We don't have to have a cooking lesson. It'd be nice just to visit. I've missed seeing you. We'd probably have a lot to talk about. I see you've tried some new looks, I like it."

Rachel self-consciously runs her hand through her hair. "Yeah, well, it's kind of growing out."

"Well, I guess I should let you get back to work." She surprises the teen by giving her a hug. "It's been good seeing you again. Stop by sometime."

Rachel has to resist the urge to push the old woman away. "It's been good seeing you too. I'll, I'll have to see about coming over."

"Okay, I'll see you later, hon."

"Um, bye." Rachel sadly watches her leave. Feeling the tears building up, she hurries to the break room. '_Why am I like this? I'll cry at almost anything._' She remembers bursting into tears at a dog food commercial and a credit card ad. '_I hate my emotions! I wish I could just get rid of them._'

Debbie calls for her. Rachel quickly wipes her eyes and tells herself to suppress her emotions. Debbie notices Rachel's red eyes and asks, "Hey, are you okay?"

Rachel snaps, "I'm fine"

Later in the kitchen, Debbie confronts the dark-haired teen. "Are you mad at me? Did i do something wrong?" Rachel simply says no. "Then what's with the attitude? You've snapped at me all night." Rachel mumbles an apology. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Seeing that the older woman doesn't believe her, Rachel says, "It's just something I have to work through myself. Don't worry about it. I have to get back to work."

Rachel sees Caitlyn and Marcy, the girls in the restroom the other day. She slowly goes up to the two girls. They stop the conversation. "What do you want? We already placed our order."

"I'm in some of your classes."

Marcy says, "Yea, we know. You're that Roth girl. What do you want?"

"Uh, I wanted to ask you something. You know Roy Harper, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

Rachel stammers, "Um, do you, uh, know his phone number?"

"Yeah, I went out with him."

"Right, of course, could I, um could I have it?" The two girls glaringly look Rachel over. They wonder what this mousy girl could want with Roy. Rachel looked all right when she had friends but now she's let herself go. There's no way he'd want to sleep with _her. _As if Rachel's reading their thoughts, she quickly adds, "It has to do with school. I have to call him about a school project." Marcy smirks but gives Rachel Roy's phone number.

* * *

After many attempts, Rachel texts Roy to meet her at a secluded hotel Saturday night. Everyone knows this is where to go to make out. She doesn't tell him who she is but she knows he'll be curious and come.

She's extremely nervous but this is the only way she can think of to get passed this. '_If I have sex with someone else then I won't have _that_ as my only experience._' Rachel eyes the bed and shudders.

She anxiously smooths down the front of her shirt. She carefully dressed for this. She hopes it's all right; she couldn't bring herself to dress overly sexy. She's wearing the formfitting clothes she used to wear when she dated Jason. Ever since that horrible night, Rachel hardly eats. Even though that was just over a month ago, her low-rise jeans are a little loose on her. They're loose enough that the lace edging of her black panties shows some.

Rachel's right about Roy being curious. He pulls up to the familiar hotel. He wonders who he's meeting here. He knows he should be more cautious but this is exciting. Hooking up with someone he doesn't know is thrilling. He texts her "_I'm here. What room r you in?_"

Rachel stares at her new phone. He's here, this is going to happen. '_What if he doesn't want to this when he sees it's me? What if just by looking at me he can tell what happened to me? Enough, I need to do this to forget that. Just get over it._' She texts him back the room number. Trying to steady her nerves, she closes her eyes. She wishes she'd brought alcohol. This would probably be easier if she was drunk.

Roy knocks on the door and is surprised to see Rachel open it. '_What's the Ice Princess doing here? Is this some sort of trick or trap?_' She nervously lets him in. He doesn't see anyone else. "Roth. What are you doing here? I'm supposed to meet a girl here."

"I know, I asked you to come."

"You know that I'm here to hook up, don't you?"

"Yes," her stomach flips, "I know."

"This isn't a trick or something is it?" Rachel shakes her head. "You understand why I'd be suspicious? For years, you don't let anyone get close to you. Then you get some friends but you end up pushing them away. Lately you won't let anyone near you. Now you wanna hook up with a guy you can't stand. What gives?"

"Please don't leave. I-I need to do this." '_I need to get my life back._'

Roy looks at her. She seems desperate both fearful and needy. He wonders if he should do this but he can't pass up a chance to score with the Ice Princess. "Okay, so how do you wanna do this? Do you just wanna go down on me and I'll finger you? Or do you wanna go straight to sex? I'm fine with either way."

Rachel turns bright red. She's amazed he speaks so brazenly about this. "Maybe we could just start slow and see where things take us?"

He goes over by the bed. "Fine by me but you start things. I don't want anyone saying I forced you to do anything." He doesn't notice her stiffen.

Rachel goes over to him. Her heart is racing. '_I don't know if I can do this._' She wipes her sweaty palms on her jeans before she puts her hands on his shoulders. He notices this. "What? Do you dislike me so much that you can't stand the thought of touching me but you want me to fuck you?"

"No, I'm sorry, I'm just nervous. I've never done anything like this."

"C'mon, you must have made out sometimes with Jason? How is this any different? Unless you two never did it?"

She groans, "Maybe this was a big mistake?"

"I'm sorry; that doesn't matter. Whatever you did with your boyfriend is your own business." After a few minutes Roy says, "You don't exactly like me. Why do you want to do this with me?"

Rachel sighs, "I didn't think you'd judge me." She turns her back to him. Even though she speaks softly to herself, he still hears her says, "Maybe it would've been easier with a stranger."

Roy doesn't know why Rachel seems desperate about having sex. She's a little odd but he doesn't want her to get hurt. He knows if she was here with a stranger, there's a serious chance of her getting hurt, even if it's just emotionally. "C'mon, let's sit down and take things slow."

They sit down on the edge of the bed. Roy watches her as Rachel closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. He thinks she looks more pale than usual. He wonders if she's taking the breakup with Jason harder than she's let on. '_Is that what this is all about?_'

He runs his hand through her dark hair. "You dyed your hair again. I liked it purple; it looked good on you." -(_He touched her hair. 'I like the new look.')_

'_I hope this works._' Clenching her hands into fists against the bed, Rachel leans forward and kisses him softly. He returns the kiss. They kiss with increasing passion. Before long, they lie down on the bed. Rachel tries to force the memories out of her mind and focus on this moment. Roy's hand trails down her body as they kiss. She trembles slightly. '_I've done this with Jason. I need to remember I liked it. It wasn't like this that awful time, maybe this will be better._'

Roy pulls away from her. He puts his hands on either side of her head. He looks down and studies her. Her dark streaked hair splays around her head. Her pale skin is slightly flushed. She's still completely dressed but he thinks she looks very hot lying underneath him even with her serious expression on her face. '_Maybe that's what makes this so hot? She's so unattainable._' He can sense she slightly unfocused. Assuming she's a virgin, he says, "I'll be gentle."

"Why? Do I really deserve that? Treat me like any other girl. I've heard how you are. You don't shy away from things. Don't start now. Make me feel alive. Help me forget everything in the past."

He doesn't know what she's talking about. Hesitating a moment, he wants to give her a chance to change her mind. "You're sure?"

Any misgivings she has about doing this, she doesn't show. She reaches up and pulls him down to a fiery kiss. As they kiss passionately, he pushes her shirt up, exposing her black lacy bra. He strips off his shirt. Pulling off her shirt, he murmurs, "You're so hot." They continue to kiss and she thinks, '_I don't feel sexy. I feel used, dirty, damaged but that doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter what I feel or want as long as I do this._'

She tells herself to relax; he knows what he's doing. As he kisses her neck, Rachel lets out a cross between a moan and a whimper. _-("I warned you.")_

Rachel squeezes her eyes shut and tries to tell herself she wants and needs to do this to get back to normal. '_It wasn't like this before. That horrible night was all about violence, pain, and control. This might not be about love but this is positive not destructive._'

They continue to kiss fervently. He caresses her breast through her bra as his other hand slides down her lean stomach. His touch is making her feel a mixture of emotions. She never thought she'd want a guy to lay a hand on her and she's still not sure. Rachel gasps when Roy slips his hand into her bra. She squirms slightly; she's never been touched like this. She feels somewhat aroused by his touch, in spite of that, she also feels disgusted by it. '_I hate the thought of having sex with Roy or any guy for that matter but I need to have something other than that horrible night as my only experience._'-(_He clamped his hand over her mouth, muffling her screams. Her fingers frantically tried to pry his hand off.)_

Her eyes fly open and her breath catches in her throat as Roy slips his hand into her jeans.-_-("Don't touch me!")_

She doesn't know when he undid her jeans. '_No!_' This is too much like that unspeakable night. "No!" -(_He's so strong.…He slammed her against the table.)_

Roy pulls his hands away from her. "No! Stop! Don't!" He quickly gets off her then the bed. Rachel sits up but keeps screaming for it to stop. She's not in a hotel room with Roy. In her mind, she's back at her house begging for that monster to stop. -_-(…searing pain…tears and stifled screams …)_

Roy stares at her stunned; he's never seen anyone act like this. He wants to help but doesn't know what to do.

Rachel shouts, "No! Don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me!"_-("…our little secret …our secret, …secret")_

"I'm not gonna hurt you! I'm not going to do anything to you. Rachel, calm down! It's me, Roy! I'm not gonna hurt you!"

Rachel becomes aware that she's not in any danger. She doubles over as if she's in pain. Grasping her head in both hands Rachel lets out a mournful and frustrated growl. "I'm sorry. I thought I could do it. I thought I was ready. I'm sorry." She quickly grabs her shirt and covers herself with it. She hides her face as tears form in her eyes.

Noticing this Roy kneels down beside her. "Hey? Hey, you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

She shakes her head. "No, I'm just mad at myself. You probably think I lead you on. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I honestly thought I could do it. I should've been able to do it. I'm sorry."

He cautiously rubs her arm to comfort her. "Don't worry about it. If you're not ready, you're not ready. You shouldn't push yourself. I've heard a girl's first time should be special, meaningful."

Rachel mumbles whatever as she pulls on her shirt. To Roy she says, "Look, I'm really sorry to get your hopes up but I can't do this. The room's already paid for so if you want to bring someone else here; it's all yours." She grabs her coat and walks over to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Home, I can't stay here."

Roy's not sure but he doesn't think she can drive. "How'd you get here?"

"I rode the bus. It stopped nearby and I walked the rest of the way."

"It's late, the buses have stopped running. How're you getting home?"

"I'll walk."

Throwing on his shirt, Roy grabs his coat. "It's too dangerous for you to walk at night in this neighborhood." Rachel rolls her eyes, '_What could happen to me that hasn't already happened? Maybe I'd be murdered; that'd end this nightmare._' "C'mon, I'll give you a ride."

"It's okay, I can walk."

He repeats, "I'll give you a ride."

They ride in silence, except for the occasional direction to her house. "Thanks for the ride."

"What happened back there?"

"It, it was nothing. I was just being goth or emo or whatever label they've put on me now."

It's not that late, but he notices her house is dark. Roy can't figure out what's wrong but she seems vulnerable. "You're parents not home?"

"Tr… my father's working. Thanks again for the ride. I'm sorry I messed up." She gets out of his car and goes to her house. Roy does the same. "What are doing?"

"I'm coming in with you. I don't think you should wait alone."

She stops after opening the door. "I'm alone all the time. I'm okay with it."

Roy pushes past Rachel. "That's okay, I don't mind waiting."

"You can't stay here! My father will kill me if he finds you here."

"We're not gonna do anything except maybe talk. An hour ago, you were ready to have sex with me. Now you're freaking out because your dad'll find you talking to a boy?"

"I'm sure most fathers don't want to know anything about their daughter's sex life. I just don't want to make him angry." Roy wonders through her house to the family room. Rachel sighs as she goes to find him. "Fine. I see you're gonna do what you want. Don't expect me to make you feel welcome."

"What? Aren't you gonna be the perfect hostess and give me a tour?"

"Why? It's a house. What do you need to know?"

"What if there's a fire? I need to know where the exits are."

"You're standing near a door. Why don't you use it and leave?"

Rachel sits on the sofa while he roams through the first floor. "See, you're kinda funny. Although most people don't see it, cuz you're so serious all the time. If you'd lighten up more often, you have more friends. You're lucky I understand your sense of humor."

"Congratulation, want a prize? You can get it outside."

He comes back into the family room. He sits down in an armchair "There it is again, your dry wit. Lately you've seemed more upset than usual. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. And if there was, do you think I'd tell you?"

"Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know that well."

"Nothing's wrong." They sit in silence. Roy feels like something's going with Rachel but can't figure out how to get her to open up. Rachel wishes she could erase this night. She mumbles, "Sorry again about tonight."

"Hey, it's okay. You alright? I mean, I didn't accidentally hurt you, did I?"

"No. I'm just humiliated, mortified, embarrassed beyond belief." She sighs. "I've never thrown myself at a guy. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"It's no big thing. I've had other girls do that before." Rachel rolls her eyes. He laughs, "I've even chased after some girls. You know, if you didn't start dating Jason, I'd probably would've gone after you." Rachel's surprised to hear this. "Under all those layers, you're pretty hot."

Rachel's face reddens at this. "You're lucky to find out how much of a freak I am before we got together."

"It was your first time and you panicked. Don't worry about it. It was fun while we were making out. It was after that when you were out of control, that scared me. What was that about?"

"Like I said, nothing's wrong."

"Okay, I won't pry but I think you should think about talking to someone. You never know, it might help. Oh, by the way, I'm not gonna tell anyone about tonight."

"I'm surprised; I thought that would be a good story to tell everybody. You know, Goth Roth, the Ice Princess, completely freaked the second she was touched."

"What happened in that hotel room is private; no one needs to know."

Rachel let's out a sigh of relief. "Thank you." She says softly, "That's probably the nicest thing anybody's done for me lately." Roy's confused. He has no idea what's going on with Rachel but now he's something's up with her.


	23. Chapter 23: Faint

**Songs About Me**

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Linkin Park or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 23: Faint**

* * *

**"**_**I can't feel the way I did before / Don't turn your back on me / I won't be ignored / Time won't heal this damage anymore / Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored**_**"-Faint, Linkin Park**

* * *

Rachel's glad Roy finally left; he'd have to wait a long time if he was waiting for her father to come home. Once more, Trigon's on a business trip. Rachel wonders if it's her imagination but it feels as if he's avoiding her almost as much as she's avoiding him.

Rachel stares into the darkness out the family room window. She watches the raindrops begin to hit the window. '_I've kept everything a secret so far. But how long will I be able to do this? Especially after I freaked out with Roy._' She sighs deeply. '_It probably helps that I was moody before all this happened. If anybody suspects anything and they ask me about it, I seem to have all the right answers. They soon forget about it because I'm just a moody teenager._'

She gets up and wanders to the kitchen. '_I can't believe I threw myself at Roy. What was I thinking? I can't believe I freaked out like that. God, what's wrong with me?_'

Maybe a cup of tea will calm her nerves. Rachel slowly goes through the actions of making tea. '_I guess it also helps that no one at the hospital knew who I was so they can't do any follow-up. They'll never figure out who I am. I'm just another poor lost soul in Jump City._ _Will Roy figure it out? If he does, will he tell anyone? Please don't; I just need a little more time before I have enough money to runaway._

The shrieking whistle of the teakettle breaks Rachel from her thoughts, causing her to jump. She turns off the stove. She looks down at her shaking hands. '_I don't think tea's gonna calm my nerves. I'm gonna need something stronger._' Rachel's eyes drift from her cup to Trigon's liquor cabinet.

Rachel takes a swig of the clear liquid. She squeezes her eyes shut. It burns but she can't spit it out. She forces herself to swallow it. Her throat burns as if she's just gulp down fire. She feels it burning all the way to her stomach. "Aww!" Coughing, she gasps for air. "Ugh! Why do people drink that?" Her throat still burns. It feels like it's burning forever but it's really several seconds, not even half a minute. Warmth replaces the burning in her throat.

'_Was I wrong to go after Roy like that? Should I've tried it with somebody I don't know? Am I wrong to even think about sex?_'

Her inhibitions begin to fade away. She calls Roy, "Will you come back to my house. I've had a drink. By the time you get here, I'll have had some more and be ready. We can have alotta fun. I promise I won't freak out this time."

He says, "I don't think so, you were really upset earlier."

"I'm ready now. Please, won't you come over? My dad's out of town so we don't hav'ta worry about him."

"Sorry, Rachel, I don't think you're ready."

"Thought you were eager to score with the Ice Princess? Okay then, give me the number of one of your friends. I'm sure one of them wouldn't mind being with me."

"No, you're too upset. I don't know why you're so upset but sex probably isn't the answer."

"Fine! Go screw yourself!" She hangs up and throws her phone on her bed. She cranks up her music and takes another drink. She spots her paints. She eyes the swirls she painted on her wall. Now she thinks they look ridiculous. Rachel has a thought. She pulls her bed and nightstand out to the middle of the room. Having enough sense to cover her bed, Rachel throws dark colors onto the walls. She's not using paintbrushes but actually throwing the paint from the containers to the walls. The dark colors drip and slide down the walls mixing as they go. Rachel frowns, they're not going to cover all the swirls. She uses her hands to smear the paints. A bit tipsy, Rachel has to put her hand on the wall to steady herself. She leaves a hand print.

She steps back to admire it. She's not sure and adds some scarlet. Taking another step back, she trips over something in her now messy room. As she falls, she whacks her elbow on her nightstand. Sitting on the floor, Rachel cradles her elbow. It hurts like hell; tears spring to her eyes. She thinks about how ridiculous she must've looked falling with her arms flailing. She breaks into hysterical laughter. "I'm pathetic." Her words sink in. "I'm pathetic." Laughter turns to crying. "I'm pathetic and stupid; no wonder shit happens to me. All I do is cry any more." Slowly she stops crying.

Paint covers her hands. Not caring about the clothes she wore to see Roy; she wipes her hands on them. She already got paint on her sleeve when she was cradling her arm, she reasons. She takes off her paint-ruined clothes and replaces them with the "hospital" sweatshirt and sweatpants.

Rachel grabs her laptop and flops on her bed. She checks out some random sites. Nothing's really grabbing her attention. She hesitates before typing "rape" into the search engine. In amazement, she stares at the screen. She's surprised there's so much information about it. Rachel doesn't click on anything. She just scans down the screen. She sees "types of rape". '_There are different types of rape? I know what happened to me was wrong but was it really rape? After all, I stopped fighting him. I just let him do what he wanted to me. I sound like a slut._' She gazes at the words on the screen. '_Is that what I am? I _let _that bastard take my virginity and now I'm throwing myself at Roy. I wish I could forget everything._' To try to help that, she takes another drink.

* * *

When Rachel slowly wakes up 'Freak Like Me' by Hailstone is blaring out of her radio. Her head is throbbing. It almost matches the beat of the song. She groans as she rolls over to turn the music off. It takes a lot of effort just to do that. She groans again, she's glad she doesn't have to go to work until later that afternoon. She feels awful. Not only does her head feel like it's going to explode but also her tongue feels like it's made of sandpaper. Her mouth feels and tastes as if she swallowed enough sand to make a desert. That would explain why her stomach feels so queasy.

She can't believe she got drunk last night. She can't imagine drinking like that all the time. Maybe that explains Trigon's moods and anger; he's always drunk or hung-over. Rachel lies in bed and stares at the ceiling**. **'_I can't believe I've been so stupid. First threw myself at Roy then I got drunk. At least I stayed home. God knows what would've happened if I went out after drinking._'

She stays like this until her thirst overpowers her. She rolls over and is surprised to find her bed in the middle of the room. That could be one reason she feels so disoriented. '_Why was my bed moved?_' Rachel sees her newly painted walls. "I did that? I don't remember…" She tries to think back. She vaguely remembers pulling out her paints after calling Roy. "Ugh! I called him? Why am I so stupid?"

Rachel slowly goes down to the kitchen. It's overcast and a little after ten in the morning but it's too bright for Rachel. The daylight hurts her eyes, making her head ache more. The migraine-like headache affects her stomach. She doesn't want to get sick but wonders if it'd help her feel better. She grabs a couple bottles of water, some aspirin and a handful of crackers. That's all she can handle for now. Trigon's still gone so she doesn't have to worry about him. She goes back to her room. That's the only place she feels safe. She's extremely thirsty but remembers what could happen if she drinks too much too fast. Not wanting to get sick, Rachel slowly drinks one bottle of water. Feeling a little better, she turns her attention to her walls.

The walls next to where her bed is normally are dark, almost black. Some of the paint is smeared, some if it drips down in menacing trails. A few of the iridescent silver swirls from before peek through in places but most of them are blocked out. Red paint splatters and drips like blood. The blood-red paint mixes with the black as it seeps. There's a red, slightly smeared, hand print. Rachel hazily remembers catching herself to keep from falling. She likes the look and grins. With the last bit of red paint, she scrawls _HATE! _She steps back and looks at it again. '_I like it. It looks like how I feel. Those swirls were my innocence being smothered by the darkness It's everything positive being destroyed: hope, courage, my spirit, my soul, my life._'

* * *

As Rachel gets ready and walks to work, she can only think about how much she's messed up. '_I can't believe I've made such a fool of myself. How could I throw myself at Roy? He must really think I'm a freak now. Even though he said he wouldn't tell anyone, I'm sure he can't wait to tell everyone how I freaked out._' The same thought radiates through her still slightly sore head, '_Why was I so stupid?_'

At work, everyone annoys Rachel. She covers it okay with the customers but with her co-workers, she snaps at them. It doesn't help that she has the remnants of her hangover. This is her fourth outburst of the day. She knows she can't be like this. The first three times, she ran to the break room crying. This time, she saw a couple holding hands and kissing. Angry because she'll never have a chance of that again, she slams a plate down in the kitchen and storms out.

She splashes water on her face trying to calm down. '_Why can't I keep my emotions under control? I'm not normally like this. What's _wrong_ with me?_' She scrutinizes herself in the employee bathroom mirror. Her hair is dull and hangs limply around her face. There are dark circles under her bloodshot eyes. '_Why doesn't anybody notice that something's wrong?_' She doesn't care how she looks. She just wonders why no one's noticed.

There's a soft knock on the door and a friendly voice speaks, "Rachel?" Debbie pokes her head in. Seeing the miserable teen suddenly wipe her eyes, she enters and quietly closes the door. She speaks Rachel's words aloud. "Rachel, sweetie, what's wrong? You know you can't have outbursts like that."

"I know," tears threaten to bubble up, "I'm sorry."

"Honey?" Debbie stands beside Rachel. She looks down at the girl's reflection. "What's wrong? Is it school? Are you having trouble with you friends? You know you can talk to me."

Rachel avoids eye contact. "It's nothing, I'm just tired."

Debbie puts he arm around the teen. "I think it's more than that. You're usually so calm. What's wrong?"

Rachel wipes away any tears and wonders if she could really tell her. '_I'm so scared but she'd believe me, right? Maybe she'd help me. But how do I do that?_' She takes a deep breath. "Um, what was …When did …Was …I'm sorry. Uh, how old were you when you, you know …when you were first with somebody?"

"Are you trying to ask how old I was when I lost my virginity?" Rachel looks slightly sick but nods. "I was about your age, I was sixteen. Are you thinking about sleeping with a boy?"

Rachel's stomach churns; she can't believe she's talking about this. She never thought she'd do this. "Yeah, um, no, well, kind of, I mean… I-I'm sorry." '_I'm not making any sense._'

"Have you already slept with someone? Do you want to talk about it?"

Rachel digs her short nails into the palm of her hand. '_No, I don't want to talk about this, but maybe Roy's right. Maybe I need to tell someone._' Debbie accepts Rachel's silence as confirmation.

"Okay, so you've decided to be sexually active. There's nothing wrong with that." Rachel looks more pale than usual. "When did it happen? Is that why you've been out of sorts lately?"

"Um, it, it was around new year's eve." Rachel struggles not to cry. She hates crying around people. She hates crying. '_It wasn't like you're thinking. It wasn't sweet and romantic. It wasn't two giggling teens. It wasn't thrilling and exciting; it was repulsive._'

"Aw, honey, it must be hard not having your mom around to talk to. But like I said, you can always talk to me."

"I shouldn't have brought this up." Embarrassed, Rachel wipes her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay to cry. I just I don't understand why you're so upset."

"I'm not upset. I'm just tired, tired of everything." '_I'm starting to think this wasn't a good idea._'

Debbie sighs, "I'm trying to help you but you need to let me help you." The older woman watches Rachel trying to calm down. Rachel closes her eyes and takes several deep breaths. Even though she's starting to calm down, her hands are in fists by her side. Debbie tries to remember what it was like when she was Rachel's age. She doesn't recall acting like this; even when she found out she was having Jason. Debbie says, "You're probably getting upset over nothing."

Rachel says quietly, "It wasn't nothing."

"You're right, I'm sorry, I know it wasn't nothing. Your first time is special but if you're taking it this hard, then maybe you weren't ready."

Rachel whispers, "I-I wasn't, I wasn't ready I didn't …."

Debbie turns to Rachel, her eyes narrow as she looks down at her. "What are you saying? Did someone force you to have sex?"

Rachel can't move or talk as tears flood her eyes. She's a little hopeful; Debbie's starting to figure out what she's trying to say. Finally finding her voice Rachel murmurs, "It hurt." '_I can't bring myself to say the actual words. Maybe it's childish but I can't say that vile word._'

"Sweetie, the first time does hurt some but it does get better. It sometimes depends on how experienced the guy is."

Rachel repeats; almost whining "It hurt."

"Just because it hurt doesn't mean you were forced. Maybe it just means you two weren't experienced. Maybe it means you weren't ready to have sex but the first time often hurts."

Rachel turns from Debbie. She's trying to suppress her tears. She mutters softly to herself, "Oh God, I'm so ashamed."

Debbie hears what Rachel says. She starts to figure things out, but is wrong. "I think I get what happened. You were with a guy and now you're regretting it."

"No, that's not what happened."

Debbie grabs Rachel by the shoulders and spins her around. She forces her to look her in the eye. "Rachel, you can't do this." She gently shakes the teen by her shoulders. "What you're suggesting is very serious. You can't be one of those girls who lies about something like this. You can't be sexually active and then accuse the guy of assault when you feel guilty."

"That… that's not what happened. He hurt me," she whines.

Debbie never thought Rachel would be like this. "Did you go to the police or a doctor?" Rachel shakes her head. "If it happened like you said it did, why wouldn't you get help?"

'_I didn't seek help because I was too scared. I can't believe it. She doesn't believe me because I messed up. It doesn't matter what I tell her. She's already made up her mind about me. She thinks I'm a slut._' Rachel simply mutters, "I dunno."

"I know it must've felt exciting. You felt like an adult but you can't spread rumors like this. You don't want to be one of those kinds of girls. If you cry wolf no one will believe you if, heaven forbid, something terrible happens."

'_But it did happen and I didn't do anything wrong,_' Rachel thinks, again she can't stop the tears_. _'_He did.'_

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you. I just don't want you going down the wrong path." Debbie sighs, "You're too upset to work anymore today. Why don't you go home? I'll tell the others you weren't feeling well. That'll probably explain your outbursts. Want me to give you a ride home?"

With her hands over her face, Rachel shakes her head no. She can't understand why Debbie doesn't believe her. When the older woman put her hand on the teen's shoulder to comfort her, Rachel just shrugs her off. Rachel doesn't want Debbie's judgmental pity. She feels like screaming.

Alone again, Rachel tries to force the tears to stop. '_Why did I think it was a good idea to tell her?_'Once the tears have subsided enough, Rachel grabs her clothes. She quickly changes; she can't get out of this place fast enough. She slips out the back without punching out. She doesn't care; she doesn't want to see anybody, especially Debbie. '_Why didn't she believe me? Will it always be like that, nobody believing me? Of course, no one will believe me because I've lied too much about mom's sickness and dad's abuse. They'll think I'm lying about this._'

Rachel walks several blocks thinking about this. She has no idea how she thought it'd be if she ever told anybody. But this is definitely not how she imagined it'd be. Anger bubbles up in her as she remembers Debbie's words of her warning her not to falsely accuse somebody of assault. '_It's not a false accusation! I was raped!_ _I know I wasn't making sense but she could've tried to understand. Why didn't she believe me!?_'

Angry, Rachel slams her fist into a solid fencepost. A sharp sting radiates through her hand, resulting in a yelp of pain from the girl. The anger instantly evaporates and tears form. She massages her hand. It hurts so bad. Glancing down, she notices her middle knuckle is beginning to swell. A minute later there's already a bruise forming. She notices her thumb is also swelling and sore. She cautiously flexes her hand. It does hurt but she's able to move each finger. That's a good thing, right? That means her hand's not broken. She hopes she didn't break anything. She doesn't know what she'll do if it is. While flexing her fingers, she's surprised to discover some cuts on her knuckles. Her hand continues to swell. This worries her, what if she did some serious damage. Cradling her hand, Rachel looks around. Should she have someone look st her hand? No, she can't do that. They'd ask questions. Questions she won't answer.

Unfortunately or fortunately, it depends on the point of view, someone saw Rachel. A man calls to her, "Hey, come here." Rachel looks up surprised. The man in his fifties says, "It's all right. I'm not going to hurt you. Come here; let me see if you're okay."

"It's okay. I'm okay. It's nothing."

As he walks over to her, the man says, "That may be but let me check it out." He holds his hand out, waiting. Rachel hesitantly holds out her injured hand. He checks out her hand. He takes notice of the bruises already forming. He also observes her red-rimmed eyes. She looks like she's been crying but he doesn't mention this. He flexes her fingers like she did, causing her to groan in pain. "I don't think anything's broken. Wait here a moment." He trusts her to stay as he goes into the house.

Rachel stands alone on the sidewalk. She carefully massages her hand.

The man comes out with a baggie of ice and paper towels. He hands her the ice pack.

"Why would a girl like you be so angry?"

She cautiously sets the ice pack on her bruised hand. She hisses quietly, it stings. She grimaces at the pain and says, "I'm not angry."

"You punched a fencepost. I think you're angry."

Rachel lets out a deep sigh. "I'm sorry; it's been a long, bad day." She gives him a sad smile, "You know the type when you wish you'd stayed in bed?"

He gives her smile of encouragement. "Yeah, I've had days like that. Do you want me to call somebody to give you a ride?"

She shakes her head. "Nah, I'm okay. I don't have too far to walk. Uh, thanks for helping me. I'm sorry I bothered you."

"You didn't bother me. I didn't have to help you but I wanted to. You might want to consider talking to someone about what's making you so angry."

"Thanks but it's something I have to deal with myself." She walks away, carefully supporting her hand.

By the time Rachel gets to her house, thirty minutes later, the swelling has gone down but her knuckles are purple with bruises. '_I can't be like this. I can't be so angry. People will ask questions that I won't answer._'

She goes up to her room. Careful of her hand, she flops on her bed. She lands on her phone in her pocket. She pulls it out and looks at it. She doesn't know why her father insisted she has a new one; no one ever calls her. Before tossing it to the foot of her bed, she catches the date, February 5th. Laying down and staring at the ceiling, she says flatly to herself, "Happy birthday. Happy sweet sixteen." She rolls over and cradles her injured hand as she falls asleep.

Rachel gradually wakes up. Her hand throbs. She can still move her fingers but they're sore. She gets ready for school and goes down to an empty house. Trigon' already left for work. She remembers hearing Trigon come home late last night. Maybe she's right about him avoiding her. She wonders how much he knows or saw. She shudders at the thought of her father knowing what that monster did to her. A part of her prays he doesn't know anything. That way he's not as evil as she fears.

Rachel slowly walks to school. She's in no mood to see Roy or anyone else for that matter. She's afraid Roy will tell everyone about how she freaked out. As she gets closer to the school, she sees more students. Rachel stops in her tracks. She knows she _should _go to school. She knows she _should_ just get passed this. She knows what she should do but she's not sure she can. Glancing at the students going towards the school, Rachel turns around and walks away. She doesn't know where she's going. She just knows she has to get away from that building full of people.

As she walks, from the corner of her eye Rachel catches a glimpse of a dark car. Her heart races, was that his car? She watches it go around the corner. '_Is he going around the block? Is he coming back for me?_' Panicking, Rachel goes down a side street. She keeps walking but turns the opposite direction the car turned. Rachel continues to move away from the school, making different turns so she'll e sure to lose the dark car.

Not only does she lose the car but she also gets herself lost. She turns a corner and sees an old cemetery at the end of the block. She knows where she is now. Rachel slowly goes towards the cemetery. She wonders if she should go into the cemetery. She has nothing better to do. Besides, no one would look for her here. Rachel steps through the gates that read: Hope Cemetery. As far as she knows, no one she knew is buried here. She realizes most would probably think she's morbid but she finds the cemetery peaceful and interesting. It's serene. It's almost like a garden with trees and plants.

Rachel strolls around the cemetery. She's not sad as she reads the headstone. She does wonder about their stories. One headstone affects her. It's decorated with teddy bear angels. It reads, "Our beloved son is with the angels." The little boy was only four months old. Rachel can't even imagine how hard it would be to bury a small child. Wiping tears away, she wanders to another section.

She wanders along studying the headstones. She's in an older part of the cemetery. Some are elaborate while others are simple. Most are well-worn. A few of them look neglected; they're overgrown with weeds. A headstone catches her eye. Charlotte Madsen, born September 2, 1847, died March 23, 1906.

She doesn't know who this person was but she may have been an ancestor. Angela's maiden name is Madsen. Rachel frowns, she doesn't know. The only thing she knows about her mother's family is that her parents were strict. Rachel knows nothing about her father's family. She's ashamed that she doesn't know if her grandparents are alive still. She doesn't even know if she has any relatives. She can't help but wonder if things would be better if she'd had some family to turn to.

The dates also get her attention. This person's birth year and death year are the same as Azaria's only a hundred years earlier. Rachel remembers Azaria; she was the closest thing she had to a grandmother. She remembers how sad she was when Azaria died; it was her first dealing with death. Rachel doesn't know much about gardening but she picks through the weeds as she thinks about Azaria's death:

_Angela found her daughter at the swing set, she said, "Hi thought I'd find you here. Mind if I sit down?"_

_Ten-year old Rachel kicked the ground with the toe of her black Mary Janes. This caused her to swing some more. "Sure, if you want to."_

_Angela sat on the swing then straightened the fabric of her black dress. "How are you doing?"_

_"Mom, why did Azaria have to die?"_

_"She had cancer and when it was discovered, it was too late."_

_"Then why didn't she go to the hospital or doctors. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you get sick like that? My friend Kimmi's grandpa had cancer and he went to doctors all the time and now he's better. Why didn't Azaria do that?"_

_Angela smiled sadly, "You know how she was. She wasn't like other people. Would she have been happy stuck in a hospital?"_

_Rachel mumbled no as she shook her head. They're both quiet for a moment. Rachel suddenly said, "It's not fair."_

_"I know sweetie."_

_"I saw something earlier and I wanted to call her and tell her about it but I can't. She's not here anymore."_

_"Azaria's not here physically but you can still talk to her. She's in your heart."_

_Rachel's voice trembled as she said again, "It's not fair."_

_"I know, sweetie, I know. But she's always with you. It might help if you continue what she taught you."_

Rachel sighs, '_I'd_ _forgotten Azaria's teachings. Maybe if I started meditating again, it'd help._' She hasn't done much meditating since Azaria died. She hopes she remembers how to do it.

She settles herself comfortably on the ground in front of the possible ancestor's grave. Rachel doesn't know if she's making a huge religious mistake by meditating at a grave but this is something she needs to do. Meditation was part of Azaria's religion, for lack of a better word. Rachel remembers Azaria wasn't exactly religious but spiritual. '_Maybe that's why mom was drawn to her. Azaria was a free spirit compared to my overly strict and religious grandparents._'

Rachel sits in a lotus position with her hands resting on her knees. She looks up at the sky. "Azaria, I wish you were still here. I wish you could help me. I miss you." She closes her eyes and softly begins the mantra Azaria taught her. It doesn't take long for Rachel to feel calm. A slight breeze blows around the loose blades of grass and leaves the Rachel just pulled. She continues but she feels a peaceful presence around her. Rachel grins slightly; she feels as though it's Azaria.

Rachel continues to meditate until she gets too cold sitting on the ground. It's getting late; she should head home. She makes note of where this grave is. She might not be any relation to this Charlotte Mansan but she wants to visit again. Rachel sighs, it's sad but she might be the closest thing to family Rachel has right now.

* * *

By Friday, Rachel's hand is feeling better. The swelling is gone, the cuts are healing and the bruise is fading. She tries to keep her hand hidden but that's kind of hard since it's her writing hand. If anybody notices it, they don't say anything.

Rachel's still angry about her argument with Debbie. '_Would she have believed me if I'd actually said the words-I was raped? I don't know, probably not._'

Between classes, Rachel sees Kitten talking and laughing with her friends. Rachel assumes Kitten's laughing about her. Rachel _his_ words rattle in her head, _"Your father has a message for you. He needs you to know who's in control around here. I believe his exact words were, 'I need that little bitch to know I'm still in control.' Obviously, he can't do anything with the authorities watching him. According to your father, you still need to be punished." _Rachel makes the connection; she got hurt because someone exposed the abuse. '_Dad promised to destroy my life if anyone found out about it._' Remembering how Kitten spread rumors about her family the last time, Rachel storms over to her former friend. Kitten's surprised when Rachel slams her against the lockers.

Rachel yells, "Are you happy now? You got what you wanted, my life is hell!" Kitten's friends try to push Rachel away. Rachel's rage consumes her and she keeps going after Kitten.

Kitten screams, "Stop! I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't bothered you for months."

"You just spread rumors again." Rachel grabs a fistful of Kitten's hair. She snarls, "Tell me why you did it!"

"Ow! Stop! I don't know what you want! Stop! You're hurting me!"

Rachel's eyes narrow. In a soft deadly voice that only Kitten can hear, Rachel says, "Do you know what it's like to beg for your life?"

"Stop! Get her off me! She's crazy!"

"Rachel! Stop!" A guy's hands grab Rachel and pull her off Kitten. Rachel struggles to get free. He says, "Rachel, you have to stop this. You can't fight like this, not here at school."

His accent breaks through her anger. She stops struggling and looks around. Kitten's upset and some of her friends are trying to calm her down. One friend runs to get help. A crowd is gathering around them. '_This is not how to not be angry. _"Oh no, what did I do?" Rachel drops her head down. "I'm in trouble, aren't I?"

Malcolm steers her to an outside door. "C'mon, let's get you some air while things calm down." Once outside, away from everyone, Rachel begins to calm down. "What was that all about?"

Rachel looks down at the fading bruise on her hand. Currently, that's the only physical reminder that she's been seriously hurt. It isn't even a direct result of that night several weeks ago. '_Even if Kitten found out about the abuse and told about it; it's not her fault what happened to me. I'm to blame; I should've kept the secret better. All this is my fault and I'm probably making things worse._' She says, "I don't know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that but she makes me so angry. She's such a bitch sometimes."

Malcolm agrees with her. "You wanna get out of here?"

"What do you mean? Where?"

"I don't know, somewhere else. It's Friday, there's only half classes today so we're not gonna miss anything. After _that_ I don't think you wanna be here anymore today."

Rachel considers it a moment. "Okay, yeah, let's go somewhere."

They walk in silence to the parking lot. Once there Malcolm says, "I've got my bike. Ever ride one before?" She shakes her head no. He hands her a helmet and instructs her, "Just hold on and follow my lead. When I lean into a turn do the same."

She feels a little weird sitting on the back of Malcolm's motorcycle. She hesitantly puts her hands on his waist. She's starting to rethink this; it's just too weird. He revs up the engine causing her to jump. When he starts moving, Rachel tightly wraps her arms around him. The motorcycle is so loud she can't hear anything else but she feels him laughing. Blushing, she loosens her grip some. She begins to relax some. Between the roar of the bike and racing down the streets, Rachel feels free. She hasn't felt this way in a long time. She grins and enjoys the ride.

After a while, Malcolm pulls over to the side of the street. He stops the bike and takes off his helmet. Rachel does the same. "So, what do you think? You liked it didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did." She actually smiles. "I felt so free; I don't know how to explain it."

"I get it. Where do you wanna go?"

"I don't know but I wish I didn't have to wear this." She holds up the helmet. "I'd love to feel the wind through my hair."

"Yeah, I know but I promised my folks I'd wear one every time I ride. It's a small price to pay so my mum doesn't have to worry about my noggin. Hey, I know, why don't we go to the amusement park?"

"That's almost forty minutes away."

"It's not that long with this thing," he pats the bike. "Don't tell me you're afraid of the rides."

"No I'm not afraid. Okay," she dons the helmet, "let's go."

They quickly arrive at the amusement park. It's been years since Rachel's been to one. She frowns; she was happy back then. Malcolm sees her frown but doesn't say anything. He asks, "Wanna start with something slow?"

"No I want fast." He almost laughs at her rarely seen excitement.

They ride several fast rides especially the roller coasters. Rachel laughs as she screams while riding the roller coasters. The wind blows through her hair. She feels free. Even if it's for a few moments, she can forget everything and be a kid again.

Before going home, Malcolm and Rachel stop on a hill that overlooks the city. The city light shine below them and the night sky sparkles above them. Rachel laughs quietly and sadly as she lies back and stares at the stars. "Growing up is hell. When we're little that's all we want to do. We want to be grown up. We don't realize all the responsibilities that come with age. Now that I'm older, I just want the simplicity of being a kid."

Malcolm agrees with her. Rachel sits up and looks at him. She thinks he truly understands what she's saying. He's still gazing at the city lights. When she doesn't say anything, he turns to her. Rachel kisses Malcolm. The kiss surprises him. This is not a simple friendly or chaste kiss but he returns the kiss.

They break away after kissing a moment. Rachel says softly, "Will you sleep with me?" Shocked she just said this; she covers her mouth with her hands. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." She starts to get up but he stops her. "I'm sorry; I can't believe I said that. Don't listen to me. It's just stupid thoughts from a stupid girl."

"Why do you put yourself down like that? Look, I'd like to be with you but you're too young. You're a sophomore and I'm a senior. That might not bother some guys but I'd feel like I was taking advantage of you. I don't want to do that."

"I keep screwing everything up. Ugh! Why do I have to be so stupid?"

"You're not stupid but didn't you just finish saying you want the ease of being young again? Sex complicates things. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up. Life makes you do that anyway so don't rush things." Rachel just sits in silence. She knows about being forced to grow up faster than wanting to.

After several minutes of silence, Malcolm doesn't know if she's annoyed with him or herself. "Ready to go?" She shrugs. He gets up first and offers her a hand up.

Once standing, Rachel sways slightly. She feels lightheaded. "Whoa," she grabs her head.

Malcolm's quickly at her side. "Hey kid, you alright?"

"Yeah," she tries pushing aside the dizziness "I think I got up too fast."

He holds her arms to support her. "Do you wanna sit down again?"

"No, I…I'm alright." Her stomach feels unsettled but she tries to ignore it. "I wanna go home."

Whatever Malcolm says next, she doesn't hear. All sounds are muffled and she's suddenly clammy.

Malcolm still has his arm around her, supporting her when Rachel slumps against him. He tries to hold her up but she's unconscious. Supporting her head, Malcolm carefully lays his friend back on the ground. He checks her pulse; it's strong.

Moments pass when Rachel's eyes slowly flutter open. Malcolm's face gradually comes into focus. "Hey kid, you scared me."

Realizing she's lying on the ground Rachel begins to panic. "Wh-what happened?"

"You fainted." Rachel frantically tries to get up but Malcolm won't let her. "Why don't you just rest awhile? Then we can go to get you checked out."

"No, I think it's because I didn't have anything to eat."

He eyes her slender frame. "When was the last time you ate?"

"I don't know, maybe yesterday?"

Malcolm runs his hand through his nearly white hair. "I don't think I'll ever understand you girls and your diets."

"Sorry, I just forgot."

"Will you be alright if I go to the store a few blocks back? I'll get you something then I'll call you a cab. I don't think you should ride on the back of my bike."

"No, I can still ride. I promise I'll stay right here while you're gone. I swear I won't faint again."

A few minutes later, Malcolm returns with bottled water and an energy bar. Slowly eating, Rachel begins to feel better.

Malcolm makes Rachel sit still for a while after she's done eating. He wants to make sure she's okay. He can't have her fainting while she's on his bike. He looks over at Rachel. He's concerned for her. He has questions and he's trying to figure out how to ask them.

"Rachel, when you were passed out, I was checking your pulse. When I pushed up your sleeve, "Rachel self-consciously holds her right arm to herself. "I saw you the scars on your arm. What made you do that?"

She turns from him. "You wouldn't understand."

"I think I might." She hears the rustling of fabric. Rachel turns to see Malcolm pulling up his pant leg. She stares in astonishment at the white scars that run up and down his leg. Questions fill her eyes as she looks up to him. Malcolm sighs before he begins. "I had a twin brother. His name was Rory. He was the serious one but that didn't mean he wasn't any fun. We were best friends. You know it's pretty cool having your best friend always there, from the beginning.

"When we were fourteen, we went to a large stream with some of our friends. We were just larking around. You know, having fun. We started doing dares. They were simple, nothing dangerous. I dared Rory to walk over a fallen tree to the other side of the stream.

"Remember he was the levelheaded one. He didn't want to do it but I taunted him. Reluctantly he started across…" Malcolm covers his face with his hands before he continues. "Rory never made it. He …his foot …slipped." Rachel softly gasps.

"He was a good swimmer. He tried to swim to us. We tried to reach him. I almost had his hand but the current was faster than we thought. Rory was pulled under."

With tears in her eyes, Rachel whispers that she's sorry.

"I felt responsible, like it was my fault. I mean, I did dare him. I guess it was kind of a survivors guilt, like it should've been me not him." Malcolm sighs, "I started cutting because for a while I couldn't feel anything but guilt. The cutting gave me something else I could focus on. I'd been doing it for almost a year when my mum found me one day. She must've been terrified. As a family, we were all hurting. We went for counseling. It wasn't easy and we still see somebody sometimes. It took me along time to stop cutting. I realized I needed a physical reminder of my brother. That's why I got the dragon tattoos. Now it's a little like he's a part of me." Malcolm looks over at Rachel. She's wiping her eyes. "Why do you cut?"

Rachel pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. She shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know."

"I think you do. Everybody has different reasons. Many who cut do it because that's a pain they can control."

After a few minutes of silence Rachel softly says, "I do it because I deserve it. I need to be punished."

"What? Why? What've you done that's so bad that you need to hurt yourself to be punished?"

Rachel quickly wipes her eyes again. "I caused my mom heartache. She's in a mental institution because of me."

"You don't know that. There could be a number of reasons why your mum's having problems."

"Don't worry, I don't do it often. I only do it when I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what else to do."

"Does your dad know?"

"Yeah, he thinks I stopped." '_He started it but he doesn't know I've continued._'

"Rachel …"

"I'm tired and want to go home. I promise I won't faint." Malcolm offers her a hand again. This time there are no problems. Rachel enjoys the ride because she's afraid it might be her last one. She doesn't feel comfortable being around Malcolm now that he knows some of one of her secrets.

Once at home, Malcolm says, "Call me if you want to talk sometime." Rachel says she will, even though they're both certain she won't.

Inside Trigon's waiting for her. "Where were you? I know you weren't at school because they called looking for you. I made up an excuse for you. So, where were you?"

"I was with Malcolm. Sorry, I just needed to get away from school for a while. We were just riding around the city."

"You were with that punk neighbor kid with the motorcycle? I don't like you hanging around him." He looks closer at his daughter and sees her red eyes. "What happened? Did he try something with you?"

"No, nothing like that happened."

"Then why do you look like you've been crying. I don't trust teenaged boys. They're only after one thing."

"No he didn't try anything." '_Not like you care but it's not the boys I have to worry about._' "He told me something sad."

"What'd he tell you?" He still doesn't believe her.

"He told me about his brother's death, okay? It was very sad, that's all."

"What's this about you skipping school?"

"Like I said, I just needed to get away. Don't worry nothing like what happened today will ever happen again." Rachel knows this is partially true. She'll never go off with Malcolm again but she'll still skip classes. "I'm really tired so I think I'll go to bed now."

"Rach, wait." She stops. "Is everything all right? Has something happened? Lately you've seemed upset. What's wrong?"

'_Now you're concerned? I'm surprised you even noticed. You __never__ notice me. Although, you seem to thrive on my misery, so maybe that's it._' She says, "I'm fine, just tired. 'Night." She turns and goes up to her room leaving Trigon just standing there.


	24. Chapter 24: Bother

**Songs About Me**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Stone Sour or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 24: Bother**

* * *

"_**Wish I'd died instead of lived / A zombie hides my face / Shell forgotten with its memories / Diaries left with cryptic entries / You don't need to bother / I don't need to be / I'll keep slipping farther / Once I hold on I won't let go till it bleeds**_**"-Bother, Stone Sour**

* * *

"Attention students and faculty," the voice says over the intercom, "would Rachel Roth, please come down to the principal's office."

Rachel glances up at her teacher, who nods for her to go. She inwardly groans as she gathers her books. She has a feeling it has to do with her fight with Kitten last week. She tries to ignore the stares and snickering as she walks out of the classroom. Dreading what she has to face, Rachel slowly walks through the empty halls.

As she goes through the doors of the main office, she thinks about how she was never in the principal's office until this year. The secretary must be thinking the same thing because she shakes her head slightly upon seeing Rachel. The secretary motions for Rachel to enter the principal's office. Rachel takes a deep breath before entering.

Mr. O'Donnell motions for her to sit down. Over the years, he's seen several students like Rachel. None of them wants to be in the principal's office. Some show their fear but most are like the girl sitting in front of him; they struggle to hide their angst. He watches Rachel. She's doing a better job then most at hiding what she's feeling. If she's worried, she doesn't show it. She looks more annoyed or bored than anything else. He can't help but wonder what makes some of the students get into trouble.

"You probably know why I called you down here." Rachel just sits there reserved; she doesn't show any emotion. "You know we don't permit fighting on school property. Actually, we don't condone fighting of any kind, at school or elsewhere. Now I don't know what exactly happened between you and Kitten Moth but I have to take some action. For the next two weeks, you'll have detention after school." He gets no reaction from the blue-eyed girl. He needs her to know this is serious. "If there are anymore outbursts like that, you will be suspended for a time." Still nothing from Rachel. "I will at that time, have to call in your father." This time there's a flicker of something. Mr. O'Donnell thinks it might be fear but the emotion is gone as fast as it appeared.

"Rachel, I think you're a good kid but you've had some problems. That's why I didn't call your father about this. I think you might have something on your mind that you're trying to work out. You know you can always come to me or anyone here at school if you need to talk." Rachel sits there silent. If she has anything to say, she's not going to reveal it. It's almost as if her jaw is wired shut.

As he speaks, she inwardly chants her mantra, until he mentions her father. '_Stay calm. Don't show anything. Please, don't call Trigon. That's how some of this got started. I was too emotional and reacted to things. I was careless. I can't do that anymore. You have no idea what I've gone through. You want me to come and talk to you about my problems? Where have I heard that before? You say you want to know, that you'll listen but that's a lie. You don't care. Nobody does._'

Rachel finally does speak. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." They study one another. Mr. O'Donnell suspects there's something she wants to say. After a minute Rachel says, "Can I go back to class now?"

Mr. O'Donnell suppresses his sigh, "Yes, we're done here. Have Mrs. Johnson get you a hall pass." He watches her leave. He's worried about her. She seems to have almost a dark energy around her. She looks and for the most part acts normal but he feels like something's wrong. He wonders if he should call her friends in. Do they know if anything is wrong?

At lunch, Rachel sits alone in the noisy cafeteria, as usual. She's used to it by now. She picks at her peanut butter sandwich as she reads. She feels like someone's watching her but she refuses to look up. She figures it's just one of Kitten's friends glaring at her. Because she doesn't look up, she doesn't see that it's Kori. She wishes Rachel would let them be friends again. Rachel's relieved when the feeling of being watched disappears. She glances up, no one's around. Thinking she probably just paranoid, she goes back to reading.

Rachel gets that strange feeling again but ignores it. She hears a girl loudly whisper, "Who's that?"

Her friend says, "Oh, that? That's Rachel Roth."

"That's Goth Roth, the Ice Princess. Wow, thought she looked better than that. A lot can happen when you're gone for a few weeks." If they're trying to keep Rachel from hearing them, they're not doing a good job. Rachel can hear everything they say. As far as these girls are concerned, Rachel still reading.

"Yeah, I know pretty pathetic, right?"

"What is she wearing?" They look over, scrutinizing Rachel's oversized grey sweater and baggy jeans. The clothes just hang on her small frame. She shows no sign of having a figure. "Rejects for a reject?" The girls laugh

"She had a boyfriend didn't she?"

"Yeah, that new guy, Jason Xavier. What did he ever see in her? Cuz he's hot and she's, well, she's not. I think she's creepy."

"Maybe she was good in bed?" Rachel cringes. "That's all I can think of. I mean, I don't know anything about all that goth stuff but maybe she's into that kinky stuff. That's the only reason I'd think why a guy would give her a second look. Wonder how many guys she's slept with?"

"Shh, she'll hear you."

"I don't care. What's she gonna do?"

"Didn't you hear? She attacked Kitten last week."

"I didn't know that. What happened? Was Kitten hurt?"

"No, just shaken up. Kitten was just minding her own business when _that_ started attacking her. Nobody knows why. I heard she threatened Kitten with a knife."

"Why do the let people like that in the schools? They say they're worried about school safety then they let freaks like that go here. They shouldn't let them in. They wreck things too much."

"Look at her, she's a mess." Rachel refuses to acknowledge them; she's pretending to read. "Why wouldn't she at least _try_ to look good? It's like she doesn't care."

"If I ever stop caring about how I look, lock me you or kill me. Oh, Brian's calling us over." The two girls get up and walk passed Rachel's table. "I mean seriously, if you don't care and you're _that_ miserable and pathetic; why not just kill yourself? Save everyone the hassle."

Rachel stares unseeingly at the pages in front of her. Under the table, her clenched hands are in tight fists, her short nails dig into her palms. Her breathing is shallow. She can't believe they just said that. '_Who says that about someone else? How could they be so cruel? The world's cruel and nobody cares._' Without meaning to, those girls planted a seed in Rachel. Her eyes cloud up with tears. '_I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I don't know what to do. I can't do anything right. Everything I've tried turns out wrong. What do I do? Maybe running away isn't enough. Maybe there's only one way to get over it._'

Rachel spends the next few days with those girls' words haunting her. She doesn't know what she can or should do.

* * *

Friday after school, Richard is out for a run. He smiles as he thinks about Kori. He remembers how pretty she was a few nights ago. It was his first real valentine's date. He thinks she looked perfect in that light purple dress. He can't help smiling as he thinks about their kiss. He wonders if Kori'd ever want to go running with him. She's kind of athletic, so he'll have to ask her some time. '_Maybe when the weather warms up. I wouldn't mind seeing Kori in shorts and a t-shirt instead of all these winter clothes._'

As he goes by the beach, he's still thinking about Kori. This summer should be fun now that he's dating Kori. Richard sees a person sitting on the beach. '_Why anyone would be sitting on the beach in mid-February_.' As he gets closer, he thinks girl looks like Rachel. Kori fades from his mind as Rachel drifts in. It's been a few months since he's seen her; they had just accused her father of abuse, she was angry with them and pushed them away. Swearing never to speak to them is a promise she's kept. That doesn't mean he and his friends didn't try to get close. After awhile they decided to give her some time, maybe she'll come around.

He slows down and walks to the beach to get a closer look of the girl. '_This girl can't be Rachel. She'd never come to a place like this. This girl looks so frail._'The wind toys with her hair the sun lights up some dark purple strands. This dark haired, fragile-looking girl is Rachel.

He makes a point to walk in front of her so he doesn't startle her. He sits down next to her. He's surprised and concerned to see the dark circles under her eyes. He notices her eyes and nose are red and somewhat puffy. It looks like she's been crying. "Hey, Rachel, are you okay? Is something wrong?"

Rachel just stares ahead. She doesn't seem to notice him. She takes a deep breath. When she finally does speak, it's half to him, half to herself. "I used to be happy. Can you believe it, when I was little; I used to be a lot like Kori. I mean at school, I was still the quiet one but I was happy." She smiles sadly, before she continues, "At home, I talked, laughed, and sang all the time. I was probably one of the happiest kids you'd ever see. Bet you didn't know I wanted to be a singer. No one knows that." She quickly wipes her eyes as she looks around the beach. "We used to go to a place like this often. I loved to go to the beach back then. I loved my family and then it all started to fall apart. I stopped singing when my mom left."

Richard thinks he understands, "You were sad. You missed her."

She shakes her head. "It's more than that. It's hard to sing when you're scared and in pain."

Richard eyes her suspiciously, "Rachel, what are you saying?"

Wrapping her arms around herself, she's never admitted this to anyone. She says softly, "You know, you guys were right about …everything. My father does hit me."

Richard was hoping they were wrong. He's surprised by how emotionless Rachel is. It's as if she's telling someone else's story. He says, "I'm sorry. That's wrong. How long has it been going on?"

She shrugs her shoulders and says, "Um, I don't know, maybe a year or two, maybe more. It all kind of runs together."

There's silence between the two once close friends. Each lost in their own thoughts. Richard hates that Rachel has been hurt. She's a little different but she doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

She chuckles sadly. "I miss what we used to be. We used to be a happy family: a father, a mother and a daughter. I miss them. Now they're just ghosts out there, playing in the ocean. I'm just a ghost."

She takes a moment and stares at the churning water. The wind blows and she shivers. Richard doesn't know how long she's been sitting out here, but she must be cold. He offers her his sweatshirt. Rachel refuses but Richard insists she borrows it. Reluctant, she accepts it. Snuggling into the warm fabric, tears sting her eyes.

She starts with no emotion in her voice, "It used to be some harsh words, name calling, a shove or roughly grabbing my arm. Just a few bruises, that's easy enough to hide, right? But lately it's been …getting worse. It's hard to hide things like a broken wrist and a bruised face. I-I don't know how much more I can take."

"I'm sorry, it's wrong that he hurt you. You should tell someone, like a teacher. They'd be able to help you."

"I can't do that, who knows what would happen to me. I'm sorry, I'm being weak. I shouldn't have told you that." She closes her eyes. Tears seep out into her lashes. Richard's worried.

Trying to push away memories of the attack, Rachel violently shakes her head. "My life is hell. I should be used to it by now. I shouldn't be whining about it. I just …I didn't think it could get any worse." Richard's concerned as he watches a painful shadow cloud over Rachel's features. Full of anger and bitterness, she says, "I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so _tired_ of being in pain. I've suffered through so much, but I never thought I'd feel pain like this. Everything good in me has been stolen: my self-esteem, my dignity, my, …my …innocence." Her voice falters.

Richard doesn't know what she's talking about but he's scared. "Rachel, did something else happen?" She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to fight back the tears. "Please, Rachel, tell me."

She shakes her head. "No. I-I can't."

"Rachel, please tell me what happened? I want to help you." He places his hand on her arm to try to comfort her. This causes her to flinch. "You're shaking. What happened? I'm still your friend, let me help you."

Tears start to fall. She says, "I'm, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned any of this. Just, just forget I said anything. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. See?" Rachel flashed him a weak smile that quickly fades. "Forget you even saw me today. Better yet, forget about me."

Richard's shocked. "I'm not going to forget about you. Something is wrong. I want to help you but I can't do that unless I know what happened."

She looks down at her shaking hands. "I can't, you won't believe me."

"I'll believe whatever you tell me." He's scared for her and says softly, "Please talk to me."

She knows she can't keep this bottled up in her. It's like a poison eating away at her. Rachel whispers, "I'm sorry, I can't."

* * *

Richard can't stop thinking about Rachel. He hopes she's okay. He's worried about her. He doesn't think she should be going through this alone. He still can't believe what she said. He believes her of course but he never imagined that would happen.

He hasn't seen Rachel since Friday afternoon. She ran away from him. He didn't chase after her because he didn't want to scare her. He's gone over to her house but she doesn't answer. When he calls her, she just tells him not to worry. Richard hopes he made the right decision letting her leave. He worries about her. Maybe he'll see her at school this morning. She's been keeping her distance from him and their friends but he hopes that will change.

At breakfast Monday morning, Bruce notices how preoccupied Richard's been all weekend and comments about it. Richard looks up at him surprised. Bruce has been away for business for much of this month. He's been so busy lately that Richard's amazed his father even noticed. "I'm just worried about a friend."

"Is this friend Kori?"

Richard shudders slightly. He can't imagine Kori having to go though this. "No, it's another friend. She's going through something. I want to help but I don't know what to do."

Bruce is worried; it's been a long time since he's seen his son this distraught. "Can you tell me what's going on?"

"I want to but I'm afraid she'll do something drastic if I do. The last time I thought I was doing the right thing it kind of blew up in my face." Bruce raises an eyebrow. Richard tries to explain without giving too many details. "I thought a friend was being, uh bullied by someone. I got nosy and acted on those suspicions. It turned out I was wrong." '_At the time, Rachel said I was wrong._' "Because she felt betrayed she pushed all her friends away. She's alone now."

Trying to read between the lines, Bruce asks, "Is this the same friend you're worried about now?"

'_How does he know? I didn't tell him anything._'

"Maybe all you can really do is be a friend. Be there for her and listen when she wants to talk. It could take her awhile to open up but be patient. Remember this isn't about you, it's about helping your friend."

Richard thinks back to Friday and hopes he did and said the right things …

'_She looked up at me. In her eyes was a mixture of hope and fear. "You believe me?" _

_"Of course I believe you. You're my friend, why wouldn't I believe you?" __Rachel tried to hold back the tears, but wasn't having much luck. __She looked so fragile. I wanted to gather her into my arms and protect her but I was afraid she'd break. As __I gingerly wrapped my arms around her to comfort her, she tried to push me away. __Even though Rachel probably hated human contact, I thought she needed to feel safe. "I'm not going to hurt you." She had to know I wouldn't hurt her. __Eventually she relented to being comforted. __She was so small. It was as if she shrank in my arms. __Curled in a tight ball against my chest Rachel whimpered that she should've stopped it from happening. I couldn't believe she actually blamed herself. I don't remember the last time I'd seen her cry, now sobs violently racked her petite form. Her raw emotions overwhelmed me and brought tears to my own eyes. _

_I wanted to kill the bastard who did this to her but Rachel's so upset I had to control my anger. I stroked her hair. __"Shh, it's not your fault. I'm so sorry. It shouldn't have happened to you." __That set off a new set of tears. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared and confused. I couldn't imagine what she was feeling. It's probably only a fraction of what Rachel's experiencing. _

_Several minutes later, Rachel began to calm down. Still holding her, I said, "I am so sorry. I'll help you any way I can." _

_"You believe me and that helps a lot." Rachel slowly pulled away from me. Wiping her eyes she said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you. I shouldn't be so weak."_

_I couldn't believe she was apologizing. That sorry excuse for a human hurt her in an unimaginable way and _she's _apologizing._

* * *

"Richard, you're not focused."

"I'm sorry, Coach Evans."

"You're usually not this distracted. What's wrong?"

Richard takes a moment to figure out what he should say. As much as he wants someone to help him help Rachel, it's not for him to tell anyone. "Sorry, I'm worried about a friend."

"You know you can always come to me if you want to talk." Richard nods. "Okay, why don't you do a few more laps? Maybe it'll help you think." Richard gives the coach a sad smile as he starts to run around the gym while the others go to the locker room. His thoughts drift back to that day on the beach …

'_I didn't know what to do.__She's been hurt, she needed help. "I need to get you some help. I'll take you to the hospital or the police."_

_Rachel vehemently shook her head. "No, I can't go."_

_"Rachel, you should be checked out. They need to make sure you're alright." _

_She grabbed my hand keeping me from standing up. "No, it didn't just happen. It, it happened several weeks ago."_

_"Rachel, you need help." _

_She shook her head, "It's my problem, and I'm dealing with it."_

_I remembered how she's seemed withdrawn, it's more than usual. Occasionally she'd lash out at someone. It made sense; I couldn't even begin to imagine what she's going though. __"Are you? You've seemed very angry and upset." Seeing her glare at me, I quickly added, "It's completely understandable. Let me help you."__ I couldn't imagine going through that alone. "I'll help you in any way that I can. Just name it."_

_"I-I don't know. I'm not used to asking for help."_

_"I'm offering you don't have to ask. Have you told anyone else?" _

_She shook her head, tears formed again. "Not really. I tried to once but they, they didn't believe me."_

_How could someone not believe her? "Maybe I could go with you when you tell someone …"_

_She panicked. I don't think I've ever seen her so scared. "No! No one else can know. Promise me you won't tell anyone. Please, promise me you won't say a word to anyone. No one else can know about this! Please!"_

_I held up my hands. "Okay, I won't tell anyone but if you decide you want to tell someone I'll help you."_

_I wanted to find the bastard and torture him but I had to focus on Rachel. She's seen more than enough violence. My mind was racing with so many questions I wanted to ask her but for now; I know they'd have to wait._

After practice, Richard doesn't have any answers. He slowly wanders from the locker room to his locker. At this time of the day, the school is almost like a ghost town. Roy finds Richard. "Hey Grayson, I'm glad I found you. We need to talk."

"What do you want, Harper?" Richard says distractedly as he digs through his locker. He doesn't want to talk to Roy.

"It's about your friend Rachel." This catches Richard's attention. He stops going through his things. "She's going through something and I think she needs help."

"What are you talking about?"

"The one night a couple weeks ago I was with her and …"

Richard's thoughts have been with Rachel. He can't shake how upset she was. He's never seen her like that. Richard assumes Roy hurt Rachel. He slams Roy against the locker. "How could you do that? How could you hurt her like that?"

"What the hell is your problem? What are you talking about? I didn't do anything."

Richard growls, "You took advantage of her."

Roy tries to push Richard away. "What are you talking about? Who are you talking about?"

"Rachel." Roy stops fighting Richard.

"I didn't do anything to her. She came to me. She seemed desperate."

"And you took advantage of that. You took advantage of her vulnerability."

"No, I didn't. _I _didn't do anything like that to Rachel. We didn't do anything but just so you know, but she started things. She called me. She said she wanted to do it."

"You saying she asked for it? That it's her fault that she got hurt?"

"I said I didn't do _anything_ to her. We basically just kissed but she freaked out."

"_You_ only kissed?" Everyone knows how much Roy flirts and brags about his successes.

Roy rolls his eyes. "Yeah well, I don't like to kiss and tell …" Richard's eyes narrow. "…but I barely touched her when she started to freak out."

"You touched her!?"

"What? It's not like she's your girlfriend. Remember I said _she_ came to me. _She wanted_ to sleep with me.

"So you didn't kiss her and touch her. You didn't try to get her naked. You didn't want to have sex with her?"

"Of course I did but I didn't do more than she wanted."

"Riiight, you didn't try to 'convince' her to have sex with you. Is that how you get so many girls?"

This week begins Rachel's second and last week of detention. When Rachel comes out of detention she finds them arguing. She yells out "Stop! "

"Hey, I don't care what you think of me but I don't need to force myself on a girl. Is that what she told you? Did she tell you I tried to force her to have sex? The second she said no, I stopped."

"You tried to hurt her. If she hadn't said the words 'no' and 'stop' would you have continued just so you'd have a chance to have sex with Rachel?

Roy says, "I like sex as much as any guy but I would never force myself on a girl. That's not right and anyone who would is a sick bastard."

Rachel can't believe the guys are fighting about her. "Richard! Stop! Roy didn't hurt me! I went to him. He didn't come after me. He didn't hurt me!"

The two stop fighting. Richard goes over to Rachel who's now crying. "Rachel, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

She quickly wipes her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm a little emotional right now."

Roy comes up to them. "Rachel did you tell him that I …"

"Back off Roy. She doesn't need you in her face about this."

"Richard it's okay. No, Roy I didn't tell him that. I know you'd never …do that kind of thing. I was upset about something else and I guess Richard thought you hurt me. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking that night. I'm sorry I've messed everything up. That's all I seem to do."

Embarrassed, Rachel runs out of the school. The guys look at each other surprised. Roy asks, "What's wrong with her? That's want I wanted to talk to you about. She was upset maybe scared that night. That was before we even started anything."

"It's okay, I'm sorry I fought with you. I know you'd never hurt Rachel like that. You can go. I'll make sure she's all right. If I need your help I'll call you."

Richard finds Rachel near the empty football field. Rachel presses the heel of her hands against her eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't usually cry this much. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You were traumatized, you're gonna need some time to get passed it."

Frustrated, Rachel says, "It's been about a month and a half since it happened. Shouldn't I be getting better? That's why I went to Roy. I stupidly thought if I slept with someone I would start to heal. I thought if I didn't have _that_ as my only encounter with …with sex, it would be better.

"Rachel …"

"I kinda thought since I was… I-I wasn't a …virgin anymore I might as well have sex."

"Rachel …"

"No, you're right. Who would want me after I've been used like that?"

"Rachel, that's not true. I never said that."

"You didn't need to say it. Would you want me? If heaven forbid this happened to Kori, would you still want to be with her? Be honest, even though you'd love her, she'd be ruined for you."

"Maybe you should see somebody, like a doctor. Maybe they'd be able to help you."

"No! I can't do that." She shakes her head. "I'm so afraid someone will figure it out and blame me. I feel like it's written all over my skin in bright red words: bitch, hate, liar, slut, whore."

"That's not true. It wasn't your fault," he adds softly, "You were violated."

"_**I**_feel them, _I _see the words. I'm afraid if someone looks close or hard enough they will know. _I know_ it wasn't _my _fault, but who's going to believe me. No one." She sighs. "Even when I tried to tell someone they wouldn't believe me. I'm just a 'troubled' girl. I lied too much before. They'll say it's like when I lied about my parents. Nobody will believe me."

She drops to her knees and slams her fists against her legs. "I want my life back! It was different with Roy. At least it was going to be. He was gentle. He seemed to care about what I wanted. I knew Roy didn't love me, that didn't matter. But he was never violent or hateful. He didn't want to destroy me." Richard kneels quietly beside Rachel. She needs to get this out of her. "That horrifying night that sick bastard ripped out my soul and tore it to shreds.

"I _try _to not think about it. I tell myself not to but I can't help it. It's _always_ there.

"It hurt. God, it hurt so bad. I've been beaten several times by my father but I'd never felt pain like that. It was so violent. I thought I was going to die. I _prayed _to die. I begged, cried and screamed for that bastard to stop but he didn't care. I think he liked hurting me. It was all a game to him. He enjoyed holding me down against that table. I fought! I fought for my life but I wasn't strong enough! I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to get over this."

"I think you need help. Have thought about telling your dad?"

"No! I-I can't do that. He can't …no one can know."

"He's your father, I'm sure he'd want to help you." A dark thought enters his mind. "Rachel, did your father …? Was he the one who hurt you?"

"No! No, he hasn't laid a hand on me for months. Not since before Thanksgiving." '_He just indirectly destroyed my life._' "He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't believe me."

Richard doesn't understand. "Why wouldn't he believe you? He has to see you're suffering. He has to be concerned."

Rachel remembers Trigon staggering away. She wonders how much he saw and why he never tried to save her. Angry tears form in her eyes. "He doesn't care. He doesn't care! He doesn't care that _he_ slammed me down against that table. He doesn't care that I was terrified, scared to death. He doesn't care that that damn bastard's hands were on me. He doesn't care that _he _stripped me of my dignity. He doesn't care that that son of a bitch stole everything from me! He doesn't care! He doesn't care … He doesn't care …"

Richard doesn't understand why she thinks her father would be so heartless but he holds his friend as she cries.

* * *

Tuesday after school, Rachel meets Richard in the library to do homework. They've been working for about an hour. Rachel needs some other notes. Richard has them in another notebook. She goes over to where they left their backpacks. She's flipping through Richard's notebook, searching for the notes when a piece of paper flutters out of his notebook. She picks the pale green paper and stares at it. She demands, "What is _this_?"

Richard turns around to see Rachel holding up a pamphlet. The front of the pamphlet reads: _Surviving Sexual Assault and Rape_. Again, Rachel demands, "What is this? Why do you have it?"

Richard says, "You're gonna need help; more than I can give you. I know that you're strong but some things are bigger than one person can handle."

She shakes her head. "I'm not telling anyone else." Some people look their direction. Rachel hisses, "Where did you get this?"

"I picked it up at a hospital. Don't worry nobody knows I got this. I picked up one of each pamphlet so no one would know which one I was getting."

Rachel rolls her eyes and groans, "You didn't need to do that. I'm fine. I have to get through this on my own. It's not like I'm the only one this has ever happened to."

"I think you need help."

She repeats, "I'm fine," She hastily gathers her books. Getting up with tears in her eyes, she backs away from Richard. "You're my only friend right now. Don't make me regret telling you."

* * *

Richard dejectedly enters the penthouse. Bruce looks up from his papers and asks him, "How's your friend?"

Richard flops down on the sofa and sighs. "I'm scared for her. This thing she's going through, she blames herself." He drags his hand through his dark hair. "I don't get it. Why would she blame herself if someone else hurt her? It wasn't her fault and I've tried to tell her that."

Bruce sits down across from him. "Guilt is a powerful emotion. Remember it took you a long time to get passed the guilt you felt about your parents' death. You had nothing to do with that."

"Maybe you're right. Still I wish I could help her."

Bruce has a distant look. "I understand. In college, I had a girlfriend who was harassed by a professor. It finally stopped but she blamed herself for a lot of it." He rubs the bridge of his nose and sighs. "I wanted desperately to turn back the clock and make it so it never happened. All I could really do was be there for her when she needed me."

Richard's adopted father does understand what he's feeling. "What happened to her? Was she eventually alright?"

"We broke up but we were still friends. She ended up dropping out of school and going back home to her parents." Bruce doesn't have the heart to tell him that his ex-girlfriend committed suicide.

At school the next day, Richard looks for Rachel. He wants to apologize for upsetting her. She surprises him by coming up beside him. "Rachel, are you alright? I'm sorry about yesterday."

"Yeah, I'm okay. At least I'm as good as I can be. I should be the one to apologize. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you were just trying to help."

"That's okay, I understand why you're upset."

"Um, I've been thinking. I-I don't think I should've told you what happened to me."

"It's okay. You needed to tell someone."

"Thank you for listening but I shouldn't have put that burden on you."

Richard gets a strange sensation from Rachel. Something doesn't feel right. She's too fidgety or something. He looks down at her backpack. For some reason he's feels like it's not just holding schoolbooks. She follows his gaze. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna runaway. It wouldn't do any good. I don't have anywhere to go."

He can't shake the feeling that she's going to do something dangerous. "Rachel? What are you going to do?"

She shakes her head. "Don't worry. I'm not going to do what you're afraid that I'll do. I'm too afraid." She smiles sadly. "I promise I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just don't think I should've told you. I'm gonna take care of this on my own."

"I don't think you should be alone. Let me help you. I promise I won't pressure you to do anything."

"I know you mean well, you want to help and I appreciate that. I just need some time. Please, let me think. I promise I'll come to you if I need your help." She turns to leave but Richard stops her. "I'm okay. I just had a bad few days. Please, I need some time." This time she does walk away.

Frustrated, Richard slams his locker shut. He wants to do what's right for her. He still thinks she needs help. Maybe he should give her what she asked for and like Bruce said, be there when she needed him. Richard leans his forehead against his locker. He hates feeling so helpless. "I might not be next to Rachel as she goes through this but at least she knows she's not alone. I'll help her anyway that I can."


	25. Chapter 25: Coming Undone

**Songs About Me **

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Korn or any lyrics**

**Chapter 25: Coming Undone**

* * *

**"**_**Wait / I'm coming undone / Irate / I'm coming undone / Too late / I'm coming undone / One look so strong so delicate / Wait / I'm starting to suffocate / And soon I anticipate / I'm coming undone / One look so strong so delicate**_**"-Coming Undone, Korn**

* * *

Rachel leans against the door to the bathroom stall. She's trying to calm her unsettled stomach. She takes several deep breathes letting each one out slowly. She wonders what's wrong with her. This is the second time this week that she's had to rush to the bathroom. Truth is the past few weeks she's felt off.

As the queasiness begins to fade she thinks, '_What is wrong with me? I've been feeling like this ever since __…_' she involuntarily shudders at that thought. She closes her eyes and holds her head in her hands. She tries to calm her nerves again. '_It's been …almost two months. I've felt awful for a little less than two months. Maybe something's wrong with me? Maybe he made me sick?_'

Her eyes fly open as a thought enters her head. "No, I-I …I can't be." She shakes her head, trying to shake the thought from her head. '_I was at the hospital, maybe I caught something there,_' she tries to reason with herself. '_I've read that that can happen. People go to hospitals because they're sick. There are a lot of germs in hospitals._'

Rachel tries to think of every reason to why she's "sick". Her mind keeps going back to the same thought. "No. I'm not. I can't be." '_I haven't had my period yet._' She wraps her arms around herself. '_That doesn't mean anything. My cycle's not exactly regular. I've skipped months before. That doesn't mean I'm __…_' Tears sting her eyes as she wonders, '_Could I be __…__pregnant?_' Holding her hair back, Rachel quickly bends over the toilet, loosing what little she had in her.

* * *

Rachel doesn't know what to do. It's not as if she can go to her dad. Even if the circumstances were different, she doesn't think she could talk to him about something like this. Should she go to Richard? Could she do that even though she pushed him away, again?

Rachel decides to go to Richard for help. He's the only one who knows about her situation. She finds him at basketball practice. He's surprised to see her at the gym. When they take a break, he runs over to her. He thinks she looks so pale, too pale. He's worried, "Rachel, what's wrong?"

She quickly looks around, making sure no one's nearby. She says in a hoarse whisper, "I'm late."

He doesn't understand what she's saying. "Uh, we never had any plans." '_You keep pushing me away._'

She says quickly, "No, I'm _late_-late. You know, like, thattimeofthemonth."

It takes him a few seconds, but finally gets what she's saying. "Oh shit."

"Yeah, oh shit. What am I gonna do?" She wraps her arms around herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to turn to. I don't know what to do?"

"Uh, that's okay, I'm glad you came to me. Um, I don't know what to do either. Let me think about it." He runs his hand through his hair. "Stay calm, try not to worry. We'll figure it out. Um, wait for me, after practice we'll talk, decide what we should do."

A teammate runs over to them, "Hey, Grayson, think you can focus on practice and not your new girlfriend?" Seeing their worried expressions he continues, "What'd you do, get her knocked up?"

Rachel and Richard both look horrified. Richard says, "Shut up, Bakers. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass _you_ could focus on practice and the games." To Rachel he repeats, "Try not to worry."

Rachel goes out into the hall as Richard goes back to practice. She leans against wall next to a large window. '_Oh God, what am I gonna do?_'She slides down the wall until she's seated. A part of her is relieved; Richard says he'll help her. Most of all she's scared. She stares out the window; hoping she's wrong. She watches the dark clouds gather in the sky.

By the time they reach Richard's truck it's beginning to sprinkle. Before he starts the truck he says, "What are we going to do?"

"That guy back there, he didn't really believe that, what he said. Did he? What if he tells others? Ohmigod, what if they believe him? What if they think you and I …? I'm sorry, I am so sorry. Why do I have to be so stupid? Why do I have to keep messing things up?"

"Rachel, it'll be okay. Ignore him, everyone does. He's a jerk. Nobody listens to him; nobody believes a thing he says."

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want you to get in trouble or something just because you're trying to help me."

"It'll be okay. Are you sure you might be, um ,uh …?" he asks nervously. He's never had to talk to a girl about this.

She blushes, she hate talking about anything that's personal or private, even if it is to a friend. "My stomach's been queasy. I can't seem to keep much down. And like I said I, uh, I didn't, um, I skipped my …period."

"That's not good, is it?" They are both uncomfortable with this unfamiliar subject.

"I've skipped it before, but it was probably because of stress or something. I never really worried about it. Before this _that _wasn't a possibility."

"If there's a chance …uh, if you've had problems with stress before, then couldn't be like that again? I know this is all scary but why did you jump to the conclusion that you might be …pregnant?"

Rachel's face blanches as he asks the questions, and then reddens with embarrassment. She looks out the side window so she doesn't have to look at Richard. "He um, he didn't use …protection." She closes her eyes hearing Richard groan his disgust and frustration. "I'm sorry. Maybe I should go …"

"Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm not angry with you. Remember this isn't your fault. I'm angry because you've been hurt."

"I know you're trying to help. I'm not making it easy, sorry. I'm just overly sensitive right now."

Richard suggests, "Maybe you should go to a doctor or clinic."

Rachel snaps at him, "No! I can't do that! It's bad enough you know!" She covers her face and sighs. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just never wanted anyone to know."

"I'm your friend and I want to help." He gently adds, "I think you should go to somebody. Anybody else would want to help you too."

She shakes her head, "I, I can't, I can't tell anyone else." Rachel's brows furrow as she intently studies her nails. "I already tried that but they didn't believe me."

Richard asks the question he's thought about several times since she told him. "How could they not believe you?"

"I don't know," she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, "maybe it's because I didn't come right out and say it. I was very upset and just hinted at what happened. She actually accused me of making it up. Said I couldn't lie about something like that. She said I couldn't have sex then accuse the guy of assault because I felt guilty." Even though Richard has said he believes her, Rachel begins to fear he'll be like Debbie and change his mind. "You know that's not how it was. It didn't happen like that. You still believe me don't you?"

"Of course I believe you. We'll figure this out, somehow."

They're deciding what to do when there's a knock on the window. They both scream. It's Gar and he's laughing. Richard puts down the window. Annoyed, he says, "Gar, what do you want?"

He's still laughing, "Dude, you should've seen your face. Too bad I didn't have the camera on my phone ready. It was priceless."

Rachel leans over, "Gar, is there a point to your nonsense?"

"Oh, hey, Rae, what's up? Haven't seen ya around lately." She rolls her eyes. "Dude, I was wondering if you were joining us. Of course you can come too, Rae."

Richard asks, "Doing what?"

Gar shrugs, "Dunno, we were probably gonna get some movies and tons of food. Nothing too specific. Just kinda hang out."

Rachel and Richard speak at the same time. "Can't, I have to help him with French." "Sorry, I have to help her with English."

Gar looks confused. "So which is it? You said English and she said French."

They exchange a worried look. Rachel holds up the first book she can grab from her backpack, it's her algebra book and says, "Um, I have to help him translate some of this from English to French and …" "…and I have to help her translate it back to English," finishes Richard.

Gar makes a disgusted face, "Yuck, booorrring! Well, if you get done early we'll be at Vic's house."

After Gar leaves Rachel says, "He has to suspect something's up with that lame excuse. Translating an algebra book, seriously? It's all numbers. Why couldn't I have grabbed another book?"

"Don't worry; _he's_ not gonna think anything about it." Starting the truck, he says, "Let's go get the test. You can take it at my house."

By the time they get to a drug store that's on the other side of the city, it is pouring rain. Rachel tries not to think about what she has to do. She was hoping she'd at least be a senior if not in collage before having to worry about this. She tries to focus on the wipers. She focuses on how the wipers sometimes match the beat to Bruno Mars' song Grenade, playing through the speakers.

Richard parks his truck as close to the building as he can. They both sit there staring at the wipers pushing the rain away. After a few minutes Richard says, "I, um, I can go in and get it, if you want me to."

Rachel shakes her head and takes a ragged breath. "No, I, I can do this."

Several more minutes pass and she hasn't moved. "Rachel?"

She says softly, "Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?"

In an equally quiet tone he says, "We're friends, that's what friends do."

She stares out at the rain. "What if …what if I'm a lost cause? Maybe I'm too broken to be fixed."

He says softly, "Your life was turned upside down. In just a few horrifying moments, your trust and self-worth were stolen. It's going to take time to build those back up. It's not going to happen overnight but I'll be here with you. I'll help you through this. If you ever want to talk or just sit and be quiet, just call me. I'm just a phone call away."

When he doesn't hear anything from her, he hopes she heard him. Richard looks over at her. Her eyes are closed. "Rachel?"

Tears seep out under her lashes. Her brow wrinkles with worry. "Wh-what if I am pr…?"

"Maybe you're not. After the test, you'll know.

She quickly wipes away the tears. "I know. You're right." She pulls up the hood of her coat. Opening the door, she tells herself, "I can do this."

She hurries into the drug store. Once inside she keeps her hood up and looks around. She has to find the right aisle. When she gets there, Rachel stares in amazement. She's surprised there are so many types of home pregnancy tests. She doesn't know which one to pick. '_How do you pick something like that?_' She glances around; making sure no one's around before she grabs one that's fairly cheep. Rachel nervously stands in the checkout line. She tries to keep the box hidden.

She's getting hot while standing in line. Rachel pushes back her hood. She impatiently taps her fingers on the box, '_What's taking so long?_' Slowly the line moves. Rachel's next but the lady in front of her is having trouble finding the right change. Rachel is annoyed that this is taking longer than it should. She digs into her pocket and pulls out change for the lady. The lady thanks her and leaves. Finally, it's Rachel's turn.

Setting the box on the counter, Rachel hopes the clerk doesn't question her about it. She's in luck; the clerk doesn't give it a second glance. Rachel's luck runs out when there's a problem with the cash register. She stares down at the box sitting on the counter. It's in plain sight; anyone could see it and know what her problem is. She's trying to decide if she should just leave without buying the test or grab the test and run. The clerk has her money so she wouldn't be stealing. Rachel glances around; nobody's watching her. She slowly inches her hand near the box. She's about ready to grab the box when the clerk hands her the receipt and her change.

Relieved that no one saw her, Rachel races outside without putting up her hood. What Rachel didn't notice was a pair of violet eyes watching her. The owner of those violet eyes and now an evil smirk saw everything. She goes over to the door and watches Rachel get into Richard's truck. Taking out her phone, she makes a call.

* * *

They drive to Richard's house in silence. Rachel clutches the bag on her lap. She holds onto it as if her life depends on it but she refuses to looks at it. As they go up the elevator to Richard's place, the penthouse, Rachel wonders, "Will anybody be home?"

Richard says, "Alfred might be here but he won't bother us."

"Alfred? Who's that? I thought your dad's name was Bruce."

Richard mumbles, "He's kinda like a butler."

Rachel raises an eyebrow. "A butler? You've never mentioned anything about that before."

"Yeah, well," he shrugs, "I don't like to make a big deal about it. I try to think of him more like an uncle."

They walk though the door and Rachel looks in amazement. The living room is lined with floor to ceiling windows. The view of the city, even with the rain, is incredible. For a moment, Rachel forgets about her problems. She whispers, "Wow." She's shaken from her reverie when she hears someone coming in the room. She stuffs the bag with the test in her backpack.

Richard says, "Hey, Alfred, this is my friend Rachel. We have to study for a test. We'll be in my room."

She says hi to the older, grandfather-looking man. She's a little jealous of Richard having some other than his father to look after and care for him. All she seems to have is a relative who died over a hundred years ago. Alfred says, "Hello, Rachel." To Richard he says, "I'll be in the study if you need anything."

The two enter his room. Richard points to a door. "You can use my bathroom." Rachel nods. She takes the test out of her backpack but doesn't take a step towards the bathroom. After a few minutes he says, "Um, Rachel?"

"I know, I know, I need to do this. I'm, …I'm just scared," she admits.

"The test will let you know for sure but there might be another reason why you're, uh late." She looks at him confused. He explains, "When you were in the drugstore I looked up some things on my phone. There are some other reasons for a woman to miss her …period."

Rachel looks a little hopeful. "Really? What are some of the reasons?"

Richard takes out is phone and looks it up again. "Have you been seriously sick or do you take medication?" She shakes her head. He continues, "It could also be because your schedule's changed, you're underweight or you have stress."

"Stress? What do I have to be stressed about?" she says sarcastically. She turns towards the bathroom. She takes a deep breathe and says, "Okay, here goes nothing." A few minutes later, she comes out, checking her watch. "The box says it takes five minutes. Those will probably be the longest five minutes of my life."

She paces around Richard's room before checking her watch again. Only thirty seconds have passed. She sits down next to Richard on his bed. She lies down and stares at the ceiling. She puts her hand on her abdomen. "I don't _feel_ pregnant but then I don't know what that's supposed to feel like. Maybe …I hope this is all just stress. I don't want to be pregnant." She shudders, "I don't want to be carrying _his_ child. That would be too horrible."

Richard lies down beside her. They lay side-by-side but not touching.

"I _hope_ I'm not pregnant." Rachel thinks aloud. "If I am I could …I could have an abortion. I could just get rid of it. But I don't think it's as simple as that. I mean, it's not like tossing out a broken dish and forgetting about it. I'm afraid I'd be haunted by that as much as I am by things now. Right now, I'm barely able to hold it together. I never thought about abortion for me, not like this. Even though it would be _his_ it'd also be apart of me. Could I do that? Could I just throw away apart of me? A baby's innocent. I shouldn't blame it or punish it for something's that's partially my fault."

"Rachel, it's not you're fault. Don't blame yourself for what happened." He doesn't know how else to say it so she wouldn't blame herself. He hates that she feels so guilty. He wants to kill the bastard who's making her suffer.

"But if circumstances were different, if I'd reacted differently maybe it wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't made him angry …"

"It doesn't matter how angry he was or if you stripped off you clothes and walked in front of him naked, he had no right to hurt you like that. Please, remember it's not you're fault."

"I'll try." Rachel lets out a deep sigh before she continues. "I could give it up for adoption. Give it a chance at something I might not be able to give it, happiness and love. It could have a real family, a mother and a father who'd love it. They would cherish it as a gift instead of seeing it as a curse.

"Would that be how it'd be if I kept it and raised it on my own? Would it be a constant reminder of that horrible night? Would I equate the baby to that evil act?"

Richard simply says, "I don't know."

"I know what it's like to feel like you're not wanted. On more than one occasion, I've felt like that. It's not just my dad; it's with my mom too. There've been times I couldn't help but think things might've been better if they didn't have me. Maybe they would've been happy."

Richard's heart aches for the girl beside him. She's been through so much. She doesn't deserve this, any of this. "I'm sorry. I can't even begin to understand what that feels like. Even though I lost my parents when I was little, I knew their love. I'm thankful to have you as a friend. I'm honored that you'd trust me enough to open up to me. I had no idea you've felt like this."

"I wouldn't want an innocent child to feel like this. If that test shows that I am pregnant, no amount of wishing will make it go away. What am I going to do? Oh God, I hope I'm not pregnant."

Richard says, "I hope you're not also." He looks over to her and gives her an encouraging smile. She looks over at him and returns a sad smile.

She gasps as thought enters her mind. "If I'm pregnant then everyone will know what happened. I can't say it's Roy's because we didn't do anything. I can't say it's Jason's because we broke up months ago. What am I gonna do?"

"No one's going to know unless you tell them."

"They'll know I was stupid and let something that shouldn't have."

They're silent, trying to think of a solution. Richard blurts out, "You could say it's mine."

She turns to stare at him, "What!"

"If it helps, you could say we were together."

"What about Kori? She'll be furious with you."

"We'd have to tell her the truth. Of course, we'd have to tell Vic and Gar also. Otherwise, Vic would probably pummel me."

"Are you sure? You'd really do that for me? I don't know. I can't let you do that."

"Yeah, I want to help you any way I can. Maybe it'd buy you some time."

"Um, have you …ever…"

He blushes, "No, but if it helps… Kori and I have talked about it but …"

"If you don't consider _that_, then me neither." She closes her eyes. "I used to imagine what it'd be like. I never thought it actually would, but I imagined. When I started dating Jason, it became more of a possibility. But now," she shudders, "it's just nightmares. Oh God, I hope I'm not pregnant."

Rachel feels something brush her hand by her side. It's Richard; he gives her hand an encouraging squeeze. "I hope you're not either."

Richard's door suddenly opens. Rachel and Richard quickly sit up. He says, "Kori! What are you doing here?"

Her expression goes from surprise to anger. "I thought my sister was lying. I thought she was just making things up to upset me. But I see she was right."

Richard is now standing in front of Kori. "What are you talking about?"

Kori glares at the two. "My sister told me she saw you two together. She told me that she did not wish to hurt me but she thought I should know about the two of you."

Rachel tries to calm her friend down. "Kori, Cami just wants to upset you. Don't believe anything she says unless you have proof. Richard and I haven't done anything. We're just friends."

"Cami said she saw you buying …" Kori sees the box for the home pregnancy test. She gasps, "It is true, you might be pregnant. And you are here with Richard, my boyfriend. You might be having his baby. How could you?"

Richard puts his hand on Kori's shoulder to try to comfort her. "Kori, I didn't do anything with Rachel. I'm just trying to help her."

Kori pulls away from him. Not really listening to him, she turns to Rachel. Angry she says, "And you, I thought you were my friend. I thought of you as one of my best friends. I wanted to help you if your father was hurting you. I tried to help you but you pushed us all away. But I guess you let Richard get close, really close."

"Kori, that's not true. He's just being a friend. He's just trying to help me with _my _problem. Nothing has happened between us. I haven't even talked to him until last week. We are _just friends._"

Kori laughs, "Right, you two are friends …with benefit, is it? Cami was right. She said you were not to be trusted. I kept telling her she was wrong. I thought you were my friend but I was wrong. You must think I am a fool. Contrary to popular belief I am not stupid!"

Rachel looks down. "I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're upset. Nothing's hap…"

"Shut up! You just keep lying. You are a … a …a lying bitch!" Rachel blinks her eyes as the stinging words come from her friend.

"Kori! That's enough!" Richard's never seen his girlfriend so angry. "I understand why you'd be upset. Why don't we all just calm down. We'll explain everything."

"I want nothing to do with you! I hope you are happy!" With tears in her eyes, Kori opens the door. "I hate you! I hate both of you!" She leaves, slamming the door.

Rachel struggles not to cry. She never thought the closest thing to a best friend would say things like that. Kori's words hurt her almost as much as the time her father struck her face.

"Rachel," Richard goes up to her. She's trying to keep her composure. "Are you okay?"

"I-I'm okay. Go; find Kori. Make her understand. Do whatever you can to make her forgive you." Richard looks at the door then at Rachel. He's not sure he should leave Rachel alone. "Go."

Rachel watches Richard race out the door. She hears him calling for Kori and the main door slam. She stumbles back until she sits on his bed. She runs her hand though her hair. She doesn't understand why she's so upset. She doesn't understand why she just stood there and let Kori say those things about her.

She lies back down on the bed. "I keep messing up. Not only did I ruin my life but I've wrecked my friends' lives."

Her eyes fly open. She sits up suddenly. She's forgotten about the test. She hurries to the bathroom. Closing her eyes, she says a silent prayer. Taking a deep breath, Rachel looks down at the stick in her hand.

Tears instantly spill. She covers her mouth with a trembling hand. She staggers back until she hit's the bathroom wall. She slides down until she's seated.

Richard comes back to his room alone. He couldn't catch up to Kori. He doesn't see any sign of Rachel. Hearing something from the bathroom, he goes to it. He stops in the doorway. His heart sinks. '_Oh God, no._'

Rachel sits on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down her face. She's staring at the test in her hand. He drops to his knees and gently gathers her in his arms. "I'm sorry." As she sobs in his arms yet again, she shakes her head.


	26. Chapter 26: Whisper

**Songs About Me **

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics**

**Chapter 26: Whisper**

* * *

**"**_**Catch me as I fall / Say you're here and it's all over now / Speaking to the atmosphere / No one's there and I fall into myself / This truth drives me / Into madness / I know I can stop the pain / If I will it all away**_**" - Whisper, Evanescence**

* * *

The next day at school Rachel tries to avoid everybody, especially Richard. She doesn't want him to get into any more trouble. She feels that she's burdened him too much. That she should've figured things out on her own. This is her problem anyway. Even though she's grateful for Richard's help, she can't help but think she shouldn't have told him anything.

When it's lunchtime, she goes to the last place anyone would think to look for her, the gym. Before she turns the corner to go to the gym, she hears arguing. It sounds like Vic and Gar are arguing with Richard. Rachel stops and listens. Vic says, "Man, how could you? Thought you really cared for her, but you go and cheat on her with one of her best friends?"

"Thought you were _her_ friend too?" says Gar. "Kori doesn't put out so you go to Rachel and you almost get her pregnant? Some friend you are."

She hears Richard sigh. "It's not the way it looks. I can explain."

"So, start talking," says Gar.

Richard says, "I need to see Kori. I need to talk to her first."

Vic growls, "She wants nothing to do with you."

Richard tries again, "Let me see Kori."

Rachel hears what sounds like someone being shoved against the lockers. She goes around the corner. "Stop! It's not his fault. If you're going to blame anyone for this mess, blame me. He was just being a _friend_, trying to _help_ me."

"Okay, so what happened?"

"Yeah if you have all the answers, start talkin'."

Rachel looks at the guys; she wonders if things were different would they still be her friends. Vic and Gar look angry and maybe disappointed. Rachel wishes she could sink down though the floor. Richard's concerned, she seems to shrink under their gaze. With a dejected expression Rachel says, "Fine. I'll tell you; but not here, not at school."

"Okay, fine, the five of us will meet at my house after school," says Gar. "My parents have plans so we'll have the house to ourselves."

As the others leave, Richard whispers to Rachel, "You're going to tell them everything?"

She whispers back, "I'll tell them something. Can't let you keep getting into trouble because of me."

* * *

That afternoon at Gar's house, Kori, Gar and Vic look angry. They want answers, the truth, even if they won't like it. They're glaring at Richard. Everyone's wondering where Rachel is.

She's at the front door. She's trying to figure out what to say, if she should really do this. She's about to leave when the door opens. Gar says, "There you are. Come in so we can get started." With her head down, she follows him to the living room. Kori looks like she wants to claw Rachel's eyes out.

Rachel takes a ragged breath and closes her eyes. Clenching her fists, she's trying to gather courage to tell them. Before she can say anything, Richard says, "Can I speak with Rachel first, in private?"

Frustrated, Gar says, "Fine, you can go into the dining room. Just shut the doors." Through the glass French doors, the three remaining friends watch the other two talk. Gar leans over to his friends, "Does anyone know how to read lips?"

In the living room, they can't hear Richard but they hear most of what Rachel's saying, because she begins shouting. Rachel yells, "I can't. I can't do this." Richard seems to be encouraging her. Rachel shakes her head, yelling, "No, I can't do this and no I'm not strong." Again, Richard seems to be encouraging or comforting her. "Why should I tell them?" Without looking their way, she points to the three in the living room. "So they can hate me more than they do now?" She glares at Richard, "Why shouldn't they hate me! I do, I hate myself!" She clutches her head in her hands, "Why did I have to tell you?" He tries to comfort her. "Why did you have to find me?"

Vic knocks on the door, "Okay, _what's_ this all about? I think it's time somebody gave some answers." With her head down, she follows Vic back to the living room, Richard behind her. "Okay, so who's gonna start?"

Richard says, "Why don't we all sit down. Rachel has something to say." To Rachel he says, "If you're not able to do it, I can tell them." She shakes her head. The others look curiously between them. They wonder if it's more than they'd originally thought.

Rachel takes a deep breath. She looks down at her hands. She notices that they're shaking. She pulls her sleeve down over her hands and hopes the others don't notice them shaking. She takes another deep breath and lets it out slowly. "First, I want to say, Richard did nothing wrong. He was just trying to help me. He would never hurt you like that Kori. He cares for you too much."

Rachel looks up at Kori. Kori's expression has softened some, it's less angry. She seems curious and a little concerned. Glancing at Gar and Vic, they have similar expressions. Rachel looks down at her sleeve-covered hands. She doesn't want to see their reaction so she closes her eyes before she continues. "Richard couldn't tell you anything because I made him promise not to tell anyone. Um, several weeks ago, I, um, uh, …"she gets up and goes over to the windows. "Sorry, this is so much harder than I thought it would be." Rachel picks at the hem of her sleeve. She picks at it until the sweater starts to unravel. '_Kind of like my life._'

"Rachel?" says Gar.

Richard says, "Give her a minute."

Gar continues softly, "Take all the time you need."

Rachel's surprised by how concerned he sounds. '_Will they really understand?_' She quickly wipes away the tears forming in her eyes. '_I can't cry. I can't show them how weak I am. I have to do this but God this is so hard._'

Still picking at her sleeve with trembling hands, she takes several deep breaths. She says in a small voice, "I, uh, I was …raped." She squeezes her eyes shut. '_It's not getting any easier saying that._' She hears them gasp. She hears someone get up.

Kori is standing behind her. Kori says softly, "Rachel?" Rachel turns around to see tears in Kori's eyes. "Rachel, I am sorry. May I give you a hug?" Seeing Kori's tears brings forth her own tears. Rachel nods and Kori hugs the sad girl. It's not Kori's trademark bear hug but a gentle, loving hug. Rachel is tense at first but relaxes a bit. Soon both girls are freely crying. Rachel's the first to break way from the hug. Kori says, "I am so sorry. For confiding in us, we are most humbled. I do not know if I could be that brave." With her arm around Rachel, Kori leads her back to the others.

Rachel uses her sleeve to wipe away her tears. "I'm not brave, I'm a coward. If I was brave I would've said something sooner."

Gar sets a box of tissues on the coffee table. Kori grabs several tissues. The guys each give Rachel a tender hug. She's very tense with the guys' hugs. After everyone sits down, Gar asks, "When, um ,when did it, uh, happen?"

Rachel grabs a few tissues and pulls her knees up to her chest. She sighs, "I was, um it, it happened just after Christmas."

"Rachel, it's been about two months ago. Why didn't you tell us sooner? We would've helped you."

"I know, I should've but I just couldn't." Rachel starts tearing up a tissue. "I was too ashamed, too embarrassed."

Kori says, "I am sorry for what I thought and said. It was wrong of me. I should have trusted my friend."

Rachel tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, "No, I understand, you were upset. I was acting strange with Richard. I guess I wasn't giving you a reason to trust me. Don't feel bad, it wasn't your fault."

"Do you know who …?" Rachel quickly shakes her head. '_I can't tell them. No one can know that._' She misunderstand; they think she doesn't know who hurt her.

Victor is infuriated, who would hurt his "little sister". He tries to control the anger in his voice when he says, "The police are looking for the bastard, and they'll find him." Rachel blushes and suddenly looks down at her hands. "You told the police, right?"

With a tiny voice, Rachel says, "No." The others give her a questioning look. "I'm sorry! I guess I was too afraid."

"You don't have to apologize. Tell us you at least saw a doctor?"

Rachel thinks for a moment. "Um, I don't know, I-I don't think I did."

Everyone's confused. Richard asks the question everyone's thinking. "How do you not know if you saw a doctor?"

With a shudder, she tries to explain. "After I was …after it happened, I guess I just wandered the city. I didn't know or care where I went. It was raining but I didn't care. I was in pain, shock and numb. I don't know how long I walked. I guess I passed out and the police found me at Ashton Park."

"Ashton Park? That's on the edge of the city. You walked all that way?"

"At least that's what the nurse at the hospital told me. I woke up in the hospital. At first, I didn't know why I was there. I couldn't remember what had happened. I was …horrified when I finally remembered. I just wanted to get out of there. If the doctor or nurses knew or suspected anything they never said."

"They did know why you were in the hospital?"

"I guess I suffered from hypothermia and there were some problems, but everything turned out okay. While I was unconscious I don't know if they, um, noticed any …uh evidence." Rachel's face turns bright red with embarrassment and shame.

Richard picks things up. "I found her on the beach a couple weeks ago. She was very upset and I was worried about her. We talked some and eventually Rachel told me what happened to her. She was scared and confused. I'll admit I was too."

"Sorry."

"Rachel it's okay. You shouldn't be sorry. I'm glad you told me. I wanted to help you. She made me promise not to tell anyone. Sorry guys, I was trying to focus on helping Rachel."

"Do not worry about that. We know now and we will help as well."

Gar asks, "Um, where, uh, where did it happen?"

Rachel looks up at her friends. Panic fills here eyes. She clasps her head in her hands. She searches for a way out.

"Rachel?"

She jumps to her feet. "I-I have a headache." She rushes from the room. In the kitchen, she leans her forehead against the refrigerator. She tries to control her breathing. Rachel overhears them deciding to give her some time. She hears them question Richard. She groans; she's sure he's telling them everything. He's probably telling them what she said about her dad. '_How could I have been so stupid?_'

With her headache intensifying, Rachel remembers Gar mentioned something about a first-aid kit in the kitchen. As she searches for it, she hopes it has aspirin in it.

In the other room, they hear Rachel checking drawers and cupboard doors. Gar gets up to go see about her. Vic says, "Wait, let me check on her."

Sighing, Gar sits back down. "Sure, okay. Call me if you need anything."

Vic enters the kitchen finding Rachel struggling with the aspirin bottle. "Rae?"

She doesn't notice him. She mutters to herself, "How could I be so stupid?"

"Rae, want me to help you open it?"

Rachel jumps slightly realizing Vic's there. Frustrated, she says, "I already opened it. I just can't get the stupid thing closed. How stupid am I? I can't even close a stupid bottle. It's not as if it's a childproof one either. It just screws on and I can't do that. I'm an idiot."

Vic slowly approaches the troubled girl. His large hands go around her hands and the bottle. "You're not stupid or idiotic. You're understandably upset."

Rachel looks down at their hands. "He told you everything, didn't he? Richard, he told you about my dad? He told you I said my dad hits me."

Vic's heart sinks. He hates that his suspicions were true. He softly says, "Richard wouldn't betray you. He didn't say anything about your dad." Rachel looks up at her friend, her eye wide with fear. "You just did." Rachel's face begins to crumble. Vic carefully takes the bottle from Rachel's hands and sets it on the counter.

Rachel softly speaks to herself, "I messed everything up. Everything's falling apart. Why did I say anything? Why couldn't I just shut up?"

Vic carefully wraps his arms around his "little sister". He hates that she's hurting so much. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you when you were hurting. I promise to help you in anyway that I can." Rachel begins to cry. He holds her carefully but firmly while she cries. In the family room, the others hear Rachel's sobs.

It takes a while for Rachel to calm down. When Vic and Rachel return to the others, she wipes her eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so upset."

"Rae, stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry about."

Rachel clutches her head. "I'm sor… never mind."

Kori asks, "Does your head still hurt?" Rachel slowly nods. She feels like her head's going to split open.

Gar has a suggestion. "Wanna lie down? Maybe some rest will help? You could lie down in my roo…, uh no, the guest room." Rachel shrugs her shoulders. Everyone takes that to mean yes.

Kori carefully puts her arm around Rachel's shoulders. "I will get her settled."

Once the girls are out of the room Vic turns to Richard. Vic hisses, "You knew her father hit her?"

Gar's shocked. "What! Dude, you knew?"

"Quiet. Don't let Rachel hear you."

Gar continues in a lower voice, "Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell us?"

Richard says, "I only found out about her dad about two weeks ago. And that was after …"

Kori returns to the room. The guys look up at her. Answering their unasked question, "She has calmed down and is now resting." She flops down on the sofa. She pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them.

Vic asks Richard, "So why didn't you say anything? Why did you at let us know about her old man hitting her?" Kori gasps. "You know we'd do anything to help."

"I didn't know what to do," Richard almost whines, something he rarely does.

"Maybe if you didn't have this hero complex and want to save everybody things would be different now. Maybe if you hadn't pushed her into admitting something was wrong, she wouldn't have pushed us away. And if she wasn't so isolated, maybe we could've helped her. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten …hurt."

Richard whispers back angrily, "Don't you think I've thought about that. I feel guilty. I'd only wanted to help her and now she's hurt in an unbelievable way. If I'd just kept my suspicions to myself or if I'd privately asked her about it, maybe Rachel'd be okay now. I feel like partially to blame."

"Friends, stop fighting. This will not help Rachel in any way.

Richard runs his hands through his hair. "I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to tell you guys everything but I was so scared. She made me promise not to tell anyone. I was so scared about what she'd do if I did tell anyone. I was afraid she's runaway or do something more drastic. I knew she needed help, but …" With his elbows on his knees, he clutches his head in his hands. "I did what I could. I tried to help …maybe it wasn't enough."

Kori leans against Richard and puts her arm around him. "Do not be so hard on yourself. You have been a true friend for Rachel. That is more than I can say for myself. I have not been a very good friend to either of you. Richard, I am truly sorry for not believing you. You were doing what was right; you were helping a friend. I am sorry I listened to my mean-hearted sister."

Vic claps his hand on Richard's shoulder, "Man, sorry about what I said, don't worry about it. You did what you had to. We're not blaming you. We're just upset about Rae."

"Yeah, dude, we should've trusted you when you said you were helping Rae." Everyone's quiet for a while. "Do you think she'll be okay?"

* * *

The phone rings, waking Rachel up. When she goes in to the living room, she sees three of her friends talking quietly. She doesn't think she's ever seen them this downcast. She hates that she's made them feel this way. She can't hear what they're saying but she's certain it's about her. When they notice her, they stop talking. This confirms her suspicions. '_Is this how it's always going to be?_'

"Dear friend, are you feeling better?"

"Yeah I guess. Sorry I brought everybody down."

"Don't worry about it. _We _are fine. We're just worried about you."

Gar comes back in the room, "Hey, y'all wanna stay and hang out? That was my parents; they're not coming home til tomorrow. We could get pizza and watch movies."

They all glance at one another and nod. Then they look at Rachel. Gar says, "Are you feeling better? We haven't hung out as a group for a while. Whadya say Rae?" For some reason Gar doesn't want Rachel to leave.

"It's _Rachel _not _Rae._" She looks at each of them. They seem too …eager to please, she can't figure out what she feels from them. Is it pity? Maybe they're just concerned. "I'm fine. I …shouldn't."

"C'mon Rachel, what else are you gonna do? Stay, have some fun."

"Yes, please stay. We will get to enjoy pizza and partake in enormous amounts of junk food. Please stay, _please_."

Rachel shrugs, "Okay, I guess."

* * *

There's the usual heated discussion about the pizzas. Finally, they decide after almost thirty minutes of Gar and Vic bickering about meat vs. meatless. They'll order a vegetarian, mega-meat lovers, and two pepperoni pizzas. There's no earthly reason why they have this argument every time except they're both stubborn.

Now they're onto which movie to watch. It's agreed that it shouldn't be violent or a romance. Rachel tries to convince them she's fine with whatever they chose. Gar has an idea, "Hey, what about an animated movie? I've got all the Shrek, Ice Age and Madagascar movies. We could have a marathon."

Vic shakes his head, "Man, what's with you and the talking animals?"

"So I like animals, big deal. Wouldn't it be cool if they could really talk? If I had superpowers, I'd be able to communicate with all the animals. What about you guys? What would be your superpowers?"

After thinking a moment Kori says, "I would be able to fly. I would also be super strong or shoot lasers from my eyes. I do not know which I would rather have."

Glad she caught on, Gar says, "Why not have all of that?"

Richard says, "Maybe I'd be a master martial artist with awesome gadgets."

"Dude, like a ninja. Cool."

Vic finishes sorting through the movies. "I think I'd have a computer-like brain and be able to build any type of machinery or weapon."

Kori asks, "What about you, Rachel? What type of superpowers would you have?"

Rachel, who's observed everything quieter than usual and wonders if she'll ever feel normal again, says in her usual monotone voice, "I'd like to be able to become invisible or sink through walls." She notices they all seem dejected by her answer. She hates that she made them feel bad; they were just trying to help. "Or …I'd be able to move things with my mind." Apparently, that answer's better because her friends perk up.

Vic says, "Telekinesis, awesome. Then maybe you could fix Gar's hair."

"Hey, dude, what's wrong with my hair? At least I have some."

Vic rubs his hand over his hairless head. "_This_ is for sports. Besides, I shave it. It's not like I lost my hair."

Rachel rolls her eyes at them. '_I guess some things never change._'

Kori realizes what her friend was doing at Richard's house when she barged in yelling. She leans forward to talk directly to her sad friend. "Rachel, when you were at Richard's place, did everything turn out all right? Are you …?"

Rachel understands what Kori's saying. A brief sad smile crosses Rachel's lips. "It was negative, so I'm okay; at least with that." '_The rest of my life is debatable but I have my friends again so maybe I have a chance._'

After they order the pizzas, a thought suddenly hits Gar like a ton of boulders. "Hey, Rachel, what happened at Richard's? You know, after Kori left. You were, uh, taking a, um, you know …"

Vic says, "He means well, but ignore him if you want to." He's just as curious and concerned about his friend but he doesn't want to pressure her.

Rachel's face reddens. "It's okay. I should've told you guys once you knew what happened. Um, I'm not pregnant. It was negative." Her friends smile at the good news.

Richard says, "She scared me though, when I went back to my room. She was sitting on the bathroom floor, crying. She was staring at the test in her hand. I thought for sure it was positive. I dropped down next to her. I held her as I said I was sorry. As she cried, she kept shaking her head. She whispered no several times. I thought she was refusing to believe it. I know I was. I was hoping it was wrong."

Rachel says sheepishly, "I'm sorry I scared you. Guess I was just relieved and overwhelmed by everything. I was so relieved all I could do was cry. Of course that's all I seem to do now anyway."

The pizzas come and everyone grabs a slice or two (or three in Vic's case). They settle in for movie marathon night. No worries tonight, just friends, food and fun movies.

Rachel tries to focus on the movie. This is something normal; it's a normal Friday night. It's something she would've done before everything happened. Sometimes it's hard to focus because she feels like her friends are watching her. She told them that she cries at anything. Is that what they're looking for? Are they looking for any sign that she'll fall apart? Every time she glances around the room, someone quickly goes back to the movie. Rolling her eyes, Rachel tries to ignore her well-meaning friends.

When they take a break between movies, Rachel goes into the kitchen. She needs some space. She knows they mean well but it's frustrating have them always look at her, making sure she's okay.

She slowly sips her glass of water as she stares out the kitchen window. Not that there's anything to see, it dark out. She can't help but wonder how things would be different if she'd told her friends about Trigon's abuse in the beginning. Would any of this be happening?

A few minutes later Richard comes into the kitchen. "Hey, how are you doing?"

"Okay, I guess. It's kind of hard knowing other people know."

"We all just want to help you."

"I know. Thanks."

Richard takes a moment to figure out how he wants to ask his question. "Um, Rachel, that day I found you at the beach, the day that you told me, you weren't just out there to think were you?"

She looks down at the glass in her hands. "No. As you said, I was scared and confused. I still am but that day …I didn't think I could take it anymore. I just wanted to disappear. I didn't think anyone would miss me." She sighs. "I'd planned to walk out into the water and never turn back. But I was too scared to do _that_. Right now, I'm afraid of everything. I sat there trying to figure out what to do. I felt so lost. I couldn't go back to the way things used to be; that was over. I couldn't go forward; I was in too much pain.

"When you came along, you gave me a lifeline. Thank you. You showed me someone cared about me. You showed me I might be able to start living again. I'm sorry I scared you and I'm sorry I put so much on you. I was just having some very bad, dark days."

"Don't worry about me. Focus on healing. Could I give you a hug?" She nods. As they hug, Richard says, "You know we all just want what's best for you." He feels her nodding quickly against is chest. He has a sense that she's trying not to cry. When they break from the hug, Rachel's eyes are slightly wet.

"Thank you. I can't promise I won't have anymore bad days."

"We'll be here to help you through those."

* * *

Gar slowly begins to wake up. He has no idea what time it is or why his neck hurts from sleeping in an odd angle. He doesn't even know when he fell asleep. His eyes are still closed and he's half-asleep. '_What time is it?_' He opens his eyes enough to see it's dark. He starts to drift back to sleep when he feels someone snuggle up to him. '_Damn it Vic, if you're being stupid I will shove you off this sofa. I don't care how much bigger you are than me._' Gar's ready to shove his friend away when he opens his eyes and stops. Vic's not next to him it's Rachel.

Gar remembers that he insisted on sitting next to her. She wanted to sit alone in the oversized chair. Gar and his friends didn't want her to be so isolated anymore. She relented when they promised everyone would have their one space on the sofa.

Now Rachel's curled up on her side, using Gar as a pillow. He glances around the room; everyone else is asleep and the movie's stopped. Vic is sprawled out and softly snoring on the other side of Gar. Kori and Richard are cuddled together in the oversized chair. They weren't doing anything. Kori has her head on Richard's chest. He has his arm around Kori and he's resting his head on hers.

Gar turns his attention back to the girl snuggled up to him. He's never been this close to a sleeping girl. That is, not unless you count the time he fell asleep in the car with his cousin and they were both six, which he doesn't count.

He's never had a chance to be this close to Rachel. He's sure if she caught him studying her like this, she'd tear his face off. She's sound asleep so he takes a chance. The way she has her hair tucked behind her ear, he can see a small white scar on her forehead, it is right near her hairline so it's not usually noticeable. He hates that she has any scars. Her eyelashes are very long and thick. He wonders, '_How do girls do that?_' In the soft glow of the TV, he can't see the hint of a few freckles dancing across her nose and cheeks, but he knows they're there. His eyes travel down to Rachel's lips. They look so soft and kissable. '_What the hell am I thinking? She just told us that she's been through hell and now I wanna kiss her? That can't happen. She just opened up to us. If I do anything like that, I'll scare her off. What the hell is wrong with me?_' Realizing she needs her friends more than ever, Gar drifts back to sleep watching Rachel sleep.

As morning nears, Rachel starts to stir. This is the most peaceful night's sleep she's had in about two months. She sleepily opens her eyes and is surprised to see that she's snuggled up to Gar. With eyes wide open, she carefully pulls away from him. She doesn't want to wake him or the others. She notices Kori and Richard cuddled together like a couple. Rachel feels a small pang of jealousy, '_I'll never feel like that again. I can never have that._' Rachel uses the armrest of the sofa as a pillow. It doesn't even occur to her that she's just snuggled against Gar as her friends are doing.

Gradually the five friends begin to wake up. Trying to keep things light Rachel jokes, "So much for our movie marathon night. We all fell asleep."

Gar says, "Yeah, I looked over and you'd fallen asleep soon after the second movie'd started."

"Sorry, guess I was tired."

"Don't worry 'bout it. You probably needed the sleep.

Vic, who's always thinking about his stomach, wonders, "What do we do about breakfast?"

Gar suggests, "We could do eggs and bacon."

"Is any of it that artificial stuff?"

"It's not artificial, it's made of tofu."

"Dude, no one wants your nasty tofu eggs and fake bacon. What about waffles? You still like waffles, don't you, Rae?"

She deadpans, "More than you'll ever know."

Richard says, "Then it's settled, we'll have waffles."

Kori's eyes light up, "Ooh, may we put our own toppings on them?"

They're all nervous about what the cheerful redhead will pick. Richard cautiously asks, "Are you going to put mustard on your waffle?"

"No, you do not put mustard on waffles. That is silly." Her friends are relieved. "I am going to put on strawberry jelly …"

Vic comments, "That sounds good."

Kori finishes her thought, "…and some slices of cheese."

Vic almost falls off his chair at that thought and Gar just about drops the plates. A sound fills the kitchen that hasn't been heard for a while. Rachel's melodious, though slightly rusty from disuse, laughter rings through the air. Liking what they hear her friends join her in a laughing fit.

Eventually settling down, Rachel says, "Sorry, guess it just struck me as funny."

"Do not be sorry about laughing."

"Yeah, your laugh is pretty. You should do it more often."

Rachel raises an eyebrow at Gar. '_What is he talking about?_' She shakes her head slightly trying to forget about Gar's nonsense. "Thank you."

"Thank you? What for?"

"Thank you for letting me feel normal for a little while, even though nothing's normal for me."

"You'll get through this. We'll help you."

"Thank you for being my friends."

Rachel spends the rest of the morning laughing with her friends. She hasn't laughed this hard since she was at the ice cream parlor with her friends. Her smile fades some as she remembers the severe beating she got that night.

Vic notices she's quiet again. Almost as if he's reading her mind he asks, "Are you nervous about going home? I mean, if you're afraid of your father you shouldn't go home."

"Yes, you could come home with me. I promise my uncle will not ask any questions and my stupid sister will leave you alone."

"Thanks guys but I'm not afraid. He hasn't done a thing since the fall. I don't think he'll do anything, not with the authorities watching him." '_Of course that didn't stop that awful night from happening._' Rachel forces a smile on her lips to prove she's okay.

Reluctantly, they let Rachel go home alone. She's going to the stairs when Trigon comes out of the study. "I thought I herd you come home. Where were you last night?"

"I was with my friends." She mummers under breath, "Not that you care."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

In an instant, Trigon's at his daughter's side. He grabs her elbow. They both recognize how similar this is to that early November night. Only this time Rachel can't even try to hide her fear. She's terrified of her father.

After angrily staring into his daughter's fear filled eyes a few moments he realizes he can't do anything to her. He shoves her away from him. He growls, "You're lucky, this time. Get out of here. I don't want to see you right now."

Rachel doesn't have to be told twice. She runs up the stairs to her room. There, behind the locked door, she turns her music up full blast. With tears streaming down her face she screams at the door, "I hate you! I HATE YOU! **I HATE YOU!**" She drops to her knees and curls up on her floor. "You taint everything in my life. Last night, this morning, they were good, now you've messed them up. You can't let me have _anything _good in my life. You hate me so much that you can't even let me have my dignity? God I hate you! I wish you would just disappear from my life!"

Rachel sobs knowing she's stuck in this hell. Even though her friends have understood about the rape, she doesn't think they'd understand that her father might have had something to do with it. She doesn't understand it herself, how could she expect anyone else to get it. "I just want all the pain to go away. I hate my life!"


	27. Chapter 27: Panic Attack

_**I am so extremely sorry for taking so much time.**_** Maybe you thought I fell off the face of the earth. No, I haven't done that-yet. I did not mean to take almost three months. Thanks for sticking with me if you're still here. I **_**hope**_** not to take this much time for any other chapters. **

**Songs About Me **

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Dream Theater or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 27: Panic Attack**

* * *

**"**_**All wound up / On the edge / Terrified / Sleep disturbed / Restless mind / Petrified / Clouds of fear / Permeate / All I see / Heightening / Nervousness / Threatens me / I am paralyzed / So afraid to die**_**" - Panic Attack, Dream Theater**

* * *

Rachel might not admit it to anybody, maybe not even to herself, but she's glad her friends know her secret. They've been wonderful. They're there for her but not to the point of being smothering. Of course, there are many moments of awkward, embarrassed silences, times when nobody knows what to say. It's almost as if she's new to the group but she's slowly beginning to feel normal again. Even her queasiness has passed. Rachel wonders if it was because of her nerves. Keeping that secret inside her was not healthy. Now that her friends know, she doesn't have to keep it bottled up. That said, she hardly ever talks about that night.

Rachel's so relieved the pregnancy test was negative. She doesn't know what she would've done if it said she was pregnant. She's thankful she doesn't have to worry about that. Maybe Richard was right. Maybe the stress of everything messed her up. While things aren't one hundred percent perfect or even near it, she is feeling better. She regrets that she scared Richard that day; she didn't mean to do that.

* * *

After school one day, the re-acquainted friends are trying to figure out what to do. Rachel's guidance counselor comes up to them. "Excuse me Rachel, were you planning on taking driver's-ed this summer?"

Rachel's surprised by this question. "Um, I don't know. I'd have to talk to my dad about it."

"Okay, let me know. Of course, it's too late for this semester. The cut off date for sighing up for the summer classes is coming up and they're filling up fast. If you had taken the class in the fall, you could be driving now."

Rachel forces a smile on her face. "Um, I'll have to talk it over with my dad. I'll get back to you."

"Well, I just wanted to let you know. I didn't want you to miss out."

"Okay, thanks." Rachel rolls her eyes as the guidance counselor leave. '_Why can't people mind their own business?_'

"I did not know you had a birthday recently and you could now drive? Is it not exciting being sixteen? When was your birthday? How did you celebrate?"

"It's not a big deal. And I can't drive because I haven't taken driver's-ed."

"Birthdays are a big deal," says Gar, "You can get a lotta loot."

"It's nothing important."

"Nonsense, birthdays are delightful and joyful."

"Not always, "mutters Rachel. "Can we just forget it _please_? I-I don't want to talk about it. Did we want to see a movie?"

Richard's suspicious about Rachel's reluctance to speak about her birthday. He knows she was attacked near New Year's but he has no idea when her birthday is. About four months ago, she pushed them away, so her birthday could be any time during that time period. "Rachel, did something happen on your birthday?"

Vic and Rachel are the only ones who understand what he's asking. "No, _nothing _happened. That's just it, nothing happened on my birthday. It was forgotten. Even I almost forgot about it."

"So your dad didn't remember?"

She shakes her head. "He wasn't even home. I think he was out of town, somewhere."

"Oh how horrible."

"Kori, like I said it's no big deal. It's just a day like any other."

"No, it is not. You must have a celebration for your special day. You must celebrate the sixteen years you have been on this earth."

Rachel sighs, "It's done, and it's over. Can't we just move passed it? I have, I'm okay with it. Besides, I wasn't really in the mood to do any celebrating at the time."

"When was your birthday?"

Rachel sighs again; she doesn't like talking about her birthday. "It was last month, the beginning of February. Can we _please_ change the subject?"

"Of course, I am sorry. I did not mean to upset you," says Kori

"Did we want to get a bite to eat before the movie?" says Vic, "We could try out that new place or …" Rachel steps back as they discuss the plans. She's glad they're off the subject of her birthday. She's never liked that day; at least since she started school. She's often felt like she's a disappointment

* * *

A few days later, Rachel quickly unlocks the back door. She still has trouble doing that; there are too many memories connected to that horrible night. As she enters the house she asks, "Are you sure your uncle won't be upset if I spend the night?" She goes to the kitchen and offers Kori a bottle of water.

"It is not a problem," say Kori, accepting the water. "Uncle Galen is always pleased to have _my _friends over. Besides, Cami is almost never home anymore so you do not have to worry about her. She is off with her miscreant friends. You are coming to my house, correct?"

"Kori, I already said I'd come over."

Kori wonders, "Your father is not upset about it. I would not want to get you into trouble."

Rachel shakes her head as if it's not an issue. It's not as if she'd ever get in trouble for something as simple as this, even though she has. "He's away on a business trip or something. I don't know, maybe he's seeing someone." She shakes her head again, "I don't care as long as he leaves me alone."

"What about your job at the café? I am sure that takes up some of your time so you do not have to be around your father." After her first encounter with Trigon, Kori didn't like Rachel's father. Now, after knowing what Rachel's been through she doesn't want her friend around that negativity.

"Um, I don't work there anymore."

"Why not, I thought you liked working there."

"Well things happen. When I stopped going, I kinda lost the job. Don't worry, I'm okay with it."

"What did your father say when you lost your job?"

"Uh, he doesn't know." A shadow of fear crosses Rachel's face, which she quickly hides. "I don't want to find out what his reaction would be so I pretend to go to work. That way I can get out of the house for awhile."

"If you do not mind me asking, where do you go?"

"I just wander around some. Usually I hang out in an old cemetery; he'd never find me there. Don't look at me like that. It's not that creepy. It's kinda serene."

Kori shudders, "You might find it so but please come to my house. I do not want my friend hanging around a creepy old cemetery."

"I don't want to take advantage of your friendship and just intrude on your life. I'm okay with how things are now. It's warming up so it's not that bad."

Following her friend up the stairs, Kori repeats, "My uncle is pleased to have my friends over so it would not be a problem. Please say you will consider it. I do not like to think of my friend sitting in such a depressing place even if you think it is peaceful."

To please Kori Rachel agrees to think about it.

The two friends enter Rachel's room. Kori stops stunned. "Oh Rachel, your room, it is …"

"Sorry, it's kind of a mess." She hastily moves aside clothes, papers and books. As she does this, Kori looks around her friend's once orderly room. It resembles a college frat room. Not only do the already mentioned items litter the floor but also there are food wrappers and art supplies.

Kori gasps seeing an empty vodka bottle on the floor. Following the redhead's gaze, Rachel slowly and carefully progresses through the clutter on the floor. She picks up the bottle and drops it into the ironically empty wastebasket. "It's been a rough couple of months. Don't worry I _don't _like drinking. I've only done it a few times. Sometimes I'd get so …overwhelmed. But the bottle wasn't full so I didn't drink _all_ of it."

"I am truly sorry you have had to go through all of this by yourself."

Embarrassed, Rachel avoids eye contact. "I-I could've, I should've said something sooner."

As Rachel gathers some things, Kori sadly looks at Rachel's repainted wall. It worries her how dark and angry it is. She scans the things on her friend's bed. Kori picks up a sketchbook. With a furrowed brow, she studies the drawing. It's a good drawing but Kori doesn't like it. She doesn't like the depressing feeling she gets from it. "Rachel, why would you draw such a thing?"

Rachel takes the sketchbook away. "It's just a drawing. It doesn't mean anything. Like I said it's been rough and I needed to express my feelings without letting anyone know."

"Okay, as long as you are certain you are doing better."

"I hate that you guys know what happened to me but at the same time, I guess I'm a little relieved. I don't know, maybe that doesn't make any sense." There's a reflective silence between the two girls for a moment. Rachel grabs her bag, "Okay I'm ready. Let's go."

* * *

"I am truly worried about Rachel." Kori's talking of her concerns about Rachel to the guys. Rachel has a study group so she's not there. "When I went to her house the other day, her room was a mess."

"That's no big thing," says Gar. "My room's always messy. Nothing I do changes that."

Vic mutters, "You could try cleaning it."

Kori shakes her head sending her long ponytail swaying around. "No, it is more than that. Rachel is not a neat freak but she is not _that _untidy. She had so much stuff scattered around. It was as if she didn't care about those things, things like her books and art supplies."

"That doesn't sound like Rachel."

"She had repainted her wall of delightful, fanciful, shimmery swirls with black and red paint and hate."

"That sounds depressing but you don't know it was done with hate. Although, I probably wouldn't blame her."

"She had the word 'hate' scrawled in red across her new dark walls. I am worried about her."

"Do you know when she did that? Maybe it just after it happened so of course she'd be upset and depressed."

"I do not know. I did not ask. Like I said, I am worried about our friend. Even though she tries to act like things are normal again, I think she is still depressed."

Vic says, "Her father then that bastard put her through hell, she gonna have some dark days."

"I understand that and that was what I thought but then I saw her artwork. It was most alarming in its subject. It was a drawing of a heart but not like the kind of heart you or I would draw. It was not like a heart that would be on a valentine card." In the air, with her fingers Kori draws the outline of a heart. "It was a realistic heart, with veins and everything. Only this one looked as if it was coarsely stitched together with dark thread. In the center of the heart is a sizeable gaping hole. It was dripping black blood, although it was a pencil drawing so perhaps that was why it was black. It was truly chilling. It looked like the heart was shot. It was drawn well but it was quite grotesque."

The guys agree, that doesn't sound very good. They wonder what more they can do to help their friend. They're sure she's not seeking any therapy. They're afraid forcing Rachel to talk to a professional would do more harm than good. They remember what happened when they forced the issue of abuse. Forcing Rachel to do something like this before she's ready could push her over the edge.

* * *

Rachel's ready to be alone in her room. Hearing the front doorbell, she peeks out the side window. Seeing whom it is Rachel rolls her eyes. Wanting to ignore the visitor, she turns from the window. Maybe if she's quiet she'll go away. This doesn't work because she's spotted. Repeating the doorbell along with knocking and calling her name stops Rachel. Reluctantly she opens the front door. "What are you doing here?"

The blonde looks passed Rachel into the house. She lets out a low whistle, "Wow, you've got a nice place. I don't know why you were always grumbling about things. I'd be happy if I lived in a place like this."

With her arms crossed, Rachel tries again, "What are you doing here?"

Terra pushes passed the now entirely raven-haired teen, entering the house. "Can't I stop by to catch up with an old friend?"

Rachel's dark blue eyes narrow. "We were never friends. Now tell me what the hell are you doing here?"

"True," Terra's blue eyes flashing with disdain, "we weren't friends but I was wondering about _my _friends. You know they were mine before you came along. You didn't push them away, did you?"

Rachel's surprised she knows any of this; Terra wasn't around when she pushed their friends away. Even though she's startled, she hides it from Terra. "What do you care what I do? If I did or do distance myself from them, wouldn't that make you happy? Didn't you just say they were your friends first?"

"You're right; I don't really care about you. I hope the others are doing alright but I'm really wondering about Gar. We were getting pretty close and I was just wondering how he's doing." Rachel doesn't like or trust Terra but she can sense her sincerity. Rachel's unsure about how much she should share. Terra voices Rachel's thoughts, "I know we don't like or trust one another but please, Rachel, I just wanna know he wasn't upset."

"Really? You don't want to hear he just fell apart knowing you left?"

Terra's eyes are full of concern. "Gar was really that upset about me leaving?"

"No," says Rachel even though she doesn't know. She'd pushed her friends away just after Terra left. "He was quiet, kept to himself for a few days but that's all." Again, Rachel doesn't really know this, she's just assuming.

"Oh, well, does he …talk about me much?"

Rachel suppresses the overwhelming urge to roll her eyes. "No."

"Oh…" Terra leans back against a table. She doesn't want Gar upset but it hurts hearing that he doesn't seem to notice her absents anymore.

"Where did you go anyway?"

Terra shrugs. "I just needed some time to figure things out."

Rachel's heard the rumors that Terra ran off with a man. She doesn't know if that's true but she inwardly shudders at that thought. "Ok, well, you got what you wanted, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I did." Rachel holds open the door. "Um, thanks, I guess."

"Sure. Bye." Rachel closes the door before Terra can say anything more.

Outside, Terra sighs. "_Bye_." She rolls her eyes. "I can't stand her."

Inside, Rachel says, "I can't stand her." Rachel's fidgety after seeing Terra. She doesn't know what she's up to or why she's here. For some reason she can't explain, Rachel doesn't want be in her house. It's too confining. She paces around the kitchen. What should she do? Where should she go?

She decides to go for a run even though she hates running. Maybe that will help her clear her mind. Grabbing her phone and mp3 player, Rachel goes out into the warm afternoon sunshine.

Rachel runs to nowhere in particular. She just needs to get out of the house. Every time she thinks she has a control of things, something comes up and she's agitated again. She runs for a few blocks, until her lungs and legs are burning, begging her to stop.

* * *

Terra enters a small apartment. The man sitting at the table never puts down the newspaper that he's reading. He simply says, "Well …"

The teen's nervous; she hopes she did things right. "I did it. I did what you wanted," she says looking for his approval.

"Good, where did you put it?"

"Um, well, we don't really like one another and she doesn't trust me so I couldn't go too far into her house."

He puts down the paper enough to glare at the girl. "Terra, where did you put it?"

"I put it on the underside of a table in the front hall." He's quiet as he remembers the last time he was in that house. His silence worries Terra. "Did I do alright? I couldn't go further into her house without making her suspicious. Like I said, we don't like or trust each other."

"It should be all right. I should be able to hear what I want."

Terra furrows her brow. "Why do you wanna listen to Rachel? What's your deal with her?"

"I don't have a 'deal' with the girl. I want to listen to her father." He lies, "It has to do with work."

Terra sighs, "Good, because it wouldn't be right for you to be obsessed with Rachel."

He ignores Terra's comment as he turns on his computer. Connecting to the listening devise, he hears nothing. "Are you sure you did it right? I'm not hearing anything."

"Yes, I did it just like you told me to. You probably don't hear anything cuz no one's there. Her father wasn't home and I stuck around long enough to see Rachel leave the house." Terra hopes she didn't screw up. She hates when he gets angry; he has a horrible temper.

* * *

Rachel arrives home a few hours latter. Her body is a little sore but for the most part, she feels all right. She feels better about Terra's visit. She doesn't really know what Terra's up to. Maybe it's just as she said, she's wondering about Gar. All Rachel knows is she hasn't missed Terra.

She keeps her music on as she goes through the house. Knowing that her father's at work, she feels like she can be herself. Feeling hungry, Rachel realizes she hasn't taken care of herself for a while. Being with her friends has helped; they make sure she eats. Maybe it's because she got some exercise but this is the first time she's really felt like eating in a long time.

Focusing on the song that is loudly playing through her earbuds, Rachel digs through the refrigerator for something to eat. She pulls out an apple and a bottle of water. As she pushes the door shut with her hip, she wonders if there's any peanut butter left. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a large figure standing in the kitchen. She screams and drops her snack and mp3 player.

Rachel's heart is racing. She remembers her fingers frantically tried to pry _his _hand off her mouth. "Please, go away! Don't hurt me!"

"Rachel …" says the male voice.

Struggling to stay calm but unsuccessful, she searches for a way out. "Please don't hurt me! I'll give you anything I can but please don't touch me! Don't hurt me!"

"Rachel. Rachel. It's okay. It's me, Vic. It's Victor."

Finally hearing his voice, Rachel blinks several times. "Vic-tor." Her hands fly up to her mouth and her eyes are wide with alarm. "Omigod! Vic, I'm sorry." Visibly shaking, she continues to apologize, "I am so sorry. I didn't know it was you. I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean what I … I-I thought I was alone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm …"

"Rachel, it's okay. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you. I thought you heard me knock and come in."

Shaking her head, Rachel's still stunned; her voice is slightly shaky. "Sorry, I didn't hear you." She indicates to the discarded mp3 player on the floor. Music is still seeping out of the earbuds. "The music, I'm sorry, the music was too loud."

Rachel's still trembling and Vic notices this. "Hey, you okay? I didn't just scare you, did I?" He slowly puts his hand out to soothe her but she backs away. "I sent you back to that night. Rachel, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

She wraps her arms around herself trying to calm down. "It's okay. I'm fine."

* * *

After Terra leaves, he turns on the computer. There's some interference but he hears a female voice; it's Rachel. _"I'm fine,"_ she sounds irritated. He hears a sigh then Rachel say in a calmer voice, _"I'm fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."_

_ "It's okay, I scared you. I didn't mean to do that,"_ says a male voice. He sounds young, like he's Rachel's age. He wonders who it is. It doesn't take him long to find out.

Rachel says, _"Vic, you didn't scare me. You just startled me. I thought I was alone. What are you doing here?" _He narrows his eyes as he listens. She sounds like she's comfortable being around this guy. He doesn't like that she alone with guy at her house. He wonders if she's now promiscuous. This thought intrigues him but he doesn't want her with other guys. He doesn't like the idea of anybody else with her.

_ "I came to check on you earlier but you weren't here."_

_ "Oh, that must've been when I was out on a run."_

_ "You were running? I didn't think you liked that kind of thing."_

_ "I don't, but Terra was here and after she left I guess I needed to burn off some nervous energy."_

_ "Terra was here? What did __**she **__want?"_

_ "She said she wanted to know how you guys were doing since she left. She seemed specifically interested in Gar."_

_ "What'd you tell her?" _He tunes out for a moment. He's not interested in their teenage gossip.

A few minutes later, he turns his attention back to the listening device. The voices are getting louder; they're coming closer. The subject's changed; they're talking about Rachel now.

Vic says, _"We're just worried about you. Have you ever thought about talking to somebody?"_

_ "I don't need to talk to anybody. I'm fine."_

_ "Rachel,"_ Vic says softly,_ "you've been hurt. Not just by your father but also by that bastard, he violated you. Your trust has been broken." _He grins, so she's told some of her friends what happened between them. That means her guy friends probably look at her as if she's damaged. They won't want to be with her. _"I just think it might help to talk to someone."_

_ "Like I said, I'm fine." _Rachel sounds frustrated. _"I understand you guys are looking out for me and I appreciate that, I really do."_

_ "But you don't like us hovering."_

_ "It's not that you're hovering; I just don't want to keep bringing it up."_ He hears her sigh deeply before she continues. _"There are times when I don't feel it, I don't think about it. It's as if it never happened, then something happens, something's said or a movement made and a memory seeps in. It's kinda like when you hurt your back. At first, everything hurts then gradually you're not in constant pain. You almost forget you hurt you back. But every now and then, you turn or reach for something and a sharp pain freezes you in place. That's how it is for me, only it's memories that stop me. I don't like them and I don't want them. I-I don't have them that often and I want to keep it that way. Th-that's why I-I don't want to talk to anyone."_

_ "We're just concerned about you. We wanna make sure you're alright."_

_ "Thanks for looking out for me but I-I'm okay."_ His grin broadens. Rachel's saying all the right things but he can hear the unsteadiness, the uncertainness in her voice. She tells her friends she's okay but she's still afraid. He wonders how he can see her again.

_ "Before I leave, I should mention the other reason why I came over. After Kori heard about your birthday, she got an idea. She wants you to have a party."_

He hears Rachel groan. _"No, I don't need a party. I don't __**want**__ a party."_

_ "That's kinda what I thought but she and Gar got excited and they wanted to throw you a surprise birthday party."_

_ "No! I don't want a party, especially a surprise one."_

_ "Don't worry, Richard and I talked them out of that idea."_

_ "Good."_

_ "But we couldn't talk 'em out of a party."_

_ "Vic, I can't have a party."_ He hears Rachel almost whine. She sounds like she's starting to panic.

_ "It wouldn't be here, it'd be at Richard's place. It would just be a few friends."_ She must have a panicked expression because her friend quickly adds, _"It could just be the five of us, no one else. It wouldn't be big, just us, cake and ice cream and maybe some gifts. It's just Kori's way of showing her friendship. If you really want me to I can tell her to stop."_

_ "N-no, it'll be okay. As long as it's as simple as you say it'll be."_

_ "It'll be okay. Why don't I pick you up Saturday, around one?" _Rachel must have nodded because her friend continues. _"Don't worry. It's at Richard's place so no one will bother us. You know I'd never let anything happen to you."_

_ "Yeah, I know thanks. Tell Kori not to go overboard, to keep things simple. It's not that big of a deal."_

_ "She mostly excited about the decorations. She wants to make it special for you. Knowing Kori, she's probably bought out half a party supply shop."_

_ "Only half the store?" _He hears Vic's hearty laugh before he leaves.

"Well, it looks like I have some planning to do if I want to see her Saturday."

* * *

Rachel paces around her room the best she can. She's been trying on several tops. "Why am I so nervous? I'm just hanging out with my friends. I've done that before, many times. They know they have to keep things simple. They know I can't handle something like a surprise party."

Rachel checks her reflection. She sighs not liking what she sees. She pulls the sweatshirt over her head and tosses it to a pile of other discarded clothes. Not having any other ideas, Rachel pulls out one of thee first sweaters she tried on. She puts it on and frowns. She thinks everything she has is too dark. This is a birthday party and Rachel feels as though she should wear something light and cheerful. She knows she'll never be as carefree as Kori but maybe she should try, today, for her friends.

Rachel goes into the guest room and opens that closet. Her mom's clothes are still stored here. She's surprised that they are here, even after Trigon knew Rachel barrowed things. She studies the clothes. A sad smile crosses Rachel's lips. Angela was stylish; more than her daughter is now. Pulling a pale purple sweater from the closet, Rachel holds it close to her chest. She lets out a deep, sad sigh. "I miss you mom. I wish you were here."

Vic glances over and sees how tense Rachel is. "Don't worry, it'll be okay."

"I know, I know. I don't know why I'm so anxious. It's just a simple party, right?"

The sight of tons of decorations hit the two friends as they enter Richard's penthouse. There are balloons and streamers of every color all around the room.

"Welcome to the festivity to celebrate the anniversary of your birth."

"Kori, you didn't have to go to some much trouble."

"It was no trouble. I simply wanted it to be cheerful. Are you not happy?"

"Yeah, I'm happy but you didn't have to get so much. Did you leave anything at the store?"

Not noticing or ignoring Rachel's sarcasm, Kori says, "I did not buy the confetti cannon."

"Thanks."

The party is as uncomplicated as Vic promised. It is just five friends having fun. The games Kori picked out are simple childhood games such as Simon Says and bingo. The gifts are just as trouble-free: gift cards to a bookstore, bright-colored gel pens, friendship bracelets and an incredibly huge box of chocolates.

It's turned out better than Rachel thought it would. She doesn't know why she was so nervous. She knows she has a tendency to over think things. Maybe that's what's happened this time.

As they are singing _Happy Birthday_ to her, Rachel gets a crushing feeling that she needs fresh air. Suddenly, this has become too much. She's truly enjoyed the party but she needs some space now. While Kori cuts the cake Rachel says, "You guys go ahead without me. I just need to step out and get some air."

"Is everything okay? You are not sick, are you? You are not worried about the cake because I did not make it, Vic did."

"No, Kori, it's not that. Everything's great. You guys are great. I think I'm a little overheated. I just need some fresh air and I'll be alright."

"Do you what to go put on the balcony?"

The view from Richard's place is amazing but Rachel doesn't know if she could handle being outside and up that high. She doesn't think she's afraid of height but she doesn't want to test that today. "Thanks, Richard but I think I'll just go downstairs. I think moving around will help."

Noticing her rosy cheeks and getting concerned Gar asks, "Want one of us to go with you?"

"No, I'll be fine. Go ahead and have some cake. Just leave me a piece. I'll have mine when I get back."

Outside the door, Rachel sighs, her friends mean well. The pressure she's put on herself to be normal sometimes is overwhelming. She eyes the elevator and the stairwell. She doesn't know which one to take. The elevator would be faster and easier but the motion might be too much for her. The stairs would take a long time to go down and she doesn't like the idea of going down _that_ man stairs. Reasoning that it must be easier to going down stairs than going up them, Rachel chooses the stairs. Once she's feeling better, she'll take the elevator back up.

* * *

As she gets on the elevator so does a man. She's nervous being in the small room but tries not to show it. Silently, with eyes open, Rachel meditates, trying to calm her nerves. It's working; she's beginning to calm down. She doesn't know why she's so worried. Other than a polite hello, the man is ignoring her. Still, she wishes he'd get off at the next floor. She'd much rather be alone on the elevator.

The elevator goes by a few more floors. Her composure breaks when the elevator doors open and another man gets on. It's _him. He's _on an elevator with her. Rachel begins to panic. What is she going to do? The elevator starts up again. It goes another floor then stops again. The first man, the man she'd wished would step off the elevator earlier is the same man she now silently pleads for him to stay. '_Please don't leave me alone with him._'

The elevator starts up again and they ride in silence. He stands facing the doors and seems to be ignoring her. Maybe he doesn't know who she is. She hopes this is the case. She keeps her eyes on him as she urges the elevator to move faster. The elevator does the unthinkable; it jolts to a stop between floors. Rachel's trapped with this monster. Panicking, she looks over at him. He doesn't look concerned. He's just leaning against the elevator wall.

Rachel rushes passed him and presses the help button several times. He says, "Claustrophobic are you? I didn't think you were the type. With how much you stay in your room I would have pegged you as agoraphobic." She keeps trying to get help. She has to get out of here. He calmly says, "You're wasting your energy. They know the elevator has stopped. They're working on it but it won't start until I want it to."

The dark haired teen freezes. She whispers faintly to herself, "How could he …?"

He leans over her shoulder and says, "I have more talents then you'd think."

She screams and pushes passed him. Hurrying to another corner she yells, "Stay away! Somebody help me!"

He slowly follows her. "Scream all you want but nobody will hear you. The security camera is malfunctioning along with the elevator." Whether he'sable to do what he said he did or it's a coincidence, Rachel doesn't know. Maybe he's lying. She just wishes the cables would break and they'd plummet to their deaths.

Rachel's face blanches when she realizes he has her cornered. "Stay away from me!" He steps closer causing her to shrink back into the corner. "Go away! Leave me alone!"

"We're in a stalled elevator. Where am I supposed to go?"

"I don't know, just leave me alone!"

He takes another step. Now he stands inches away from the terrified girl. With her hands on his chest, she tries to push him away with all her strength. She's not strong enough to make him budge.

She feels his soundless laughter through his chest. "My dear girl, haven't you learned, there's nothing you can do to stop me."

She pushes harder, trying to get free. He grabs her wrists and pins her to the wall. "NO!"

"Relax; I'm not going to hurt you …this time. I just wanted to see you again, face to face."

Rachel's face reddens at the memory of the last time he was so close to her. He grins, "You can't stop thinking about it, can you? I can see it on your face; you're thinking about it now. You remember my hands on you."

"Why won't you leave me alone?" She squirms to get free. She begs, "Please let me go."

Ignoring her pleas, he studies her eyes. "Do you dream about it like I do?"

All this time, Rachel's struggled to keep her tears in check. She doesn't want to show weakness but she can't hold them back anymore. Tears spill over her lower lashes. "Why did you hurt me?"

He releases one wrist so he can brush away her tears. She flinches at his touch. "I didn't hurt you that much, did I?"

"You raped me!"

"That's such an ugly word. As I see it, it wouldn't have happened like that if you weren't so defiant. However, I can see how you'd be confused. It was your first time and I like things rough."

She tries to push him away again. "It wasn't just bad sex. It was rape. You raped me. I tried to scream no but you wouldn't let me. I tried to fight you off. I …" She freezes again, her fist on his chest. She remembers his words moments ago: _"There's nothing you can do to stop me." _This realization shocks her. "You, you were …you were going to do it anyway. It didn't matter where or when." Rachel visibly trembles, afraid of what he's going to do now. She knows he could overpower her easily.

He scans down her body. "I'll acknowledge, I wondered what it'd be like to be with you." Rachel cowers back and whimpers for him to stop. "I know I dream of your soft skin." He rubs his hand along her arm. He continues, "Admit it, you dream about it. You can't stop thinking about it." Rachel's heart feels as though it's about to break through her chest.

"You can't hide it. Your face is flushed. You're thinking about it right now."

"Please just leave me alone."

"How can I leave you alone when I'm always thinking about our time together?"

"No! Please leave me alone!" She remembers his prying hand and her muffled screams for him to stop. He doesn't do any more than just stand there but her memories attack her. She cries uncontrollably almost to the point of hyperventilating, as everything from that night enters her mind. She hates being so weak but she's terrified. "NO! STAY AWAY!"

"Wasn't it fortunate that your father hired me to scare you? If he hadn't, we wouldn't our little, special secret."

She glares at him with fear and contempt. '_He's lying. Trigon hates me but he'd never put me in danger like that._'

"You don't think he'd do something like that? Men like your father, or me for that mater, want, need control. You defied him at ever turn. Somehow, you got the authorities involved and he had to regain control. That's why he hired me. Trigon could've gotten anyone to scare you but he knew no one could do it like me."

"You're lying."

"Why would I lie? You know I'm right. I know you haven't told the police. That's a good girl. You shouldn't have told your friends what happened but you haven't told them specifics so I guess it'll be all right."

The elevator jerks several times before it begins to move again. He slowly steps away from the frightened teen. "Don't breathe a word of _this _to anyone. I got to you before. I got to you today and I can get to again if I need or want to."

In the corner, with her arms wrapped around herself, Rachel shakes uncontrollably. "Stay away from me."

"If that's not enough of a threat to be quiet then maybe you should know I could get to your friends."

"NO! I promise I won't say anything. _Please_ don't do anything; don't go near them. They haven't done anything."

"Then heed my warning."

The elevator stops and the doors open. "Rachel, are you alright?" Richard hurries in. Seeing her tear-streaked face and trembling, he turns to the only other person in the elevator. He demands. "What did you do to her?!"

"I did nothing to her but try to calm her down. It appears your friend is claustrophobic. After the elevator stopped, she began to become agitated. Do you need my help?"

Panicking, Rachel cries out, "No!"

Richard doesn't know why Rachel would have such a reaction. His instincts are telling him not to trust the man. He glares at him but evenly says, "Thanks, we'll be alright."

Richard carefully puts his arm around his shivering friend. He helps her out the doors. "We don't have far to go, let's take the stairs."

As the doors close, Rachel glances back. He mouths the word - _remember_. She shudders and shakes her head. She begins crying again.

"Rachel, did something happen back there? You know you can tell me."

She shakes her head again. "No, it was just so scary. I didn't know what was happening. Everything was closing in on me. I just wanted to get out of there." Everything she's said is true. She just doesn't mention that she was trapped with her rapist.


	28. Chapter 28: Lost

**Songs About Me **

**Thanks**

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Within Temptation or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 28: Lost**

* * *

**"**_**She's lost in the darkness / Fading away / I'm still around here / Screaming her name / She's haunting my dreamworld / Trying to survive / My heart is frozen / I'm losing my mind**_**"-Lost**_**, **_**Within Temptation**

* * *

Richard helps Rachel to his place. She's struggling to calm down but she's still very upset. Upon entering the penthouse, the three otherfriends are instantly concerned. "Rachel what happened?" "Are you okay?" "Sit down and try to calm down."

Rachel shies away from her well-meaning friends. They finally convince her to sit. "What happened?"

Too upset, she doesn't say anything so Richard tells what he knows. "When we noticed how long it was taking for Rachel to return, you know I went to see what was wrong. It turned out the elevator was stuck between floors. I found out Rachel was stuck on the elevator."

"Oh, how horrible. No wonder she is so upset. I do not think I could handle it."

"I don't remember it ever having a problem like that. Sure, sometimes it'd be out of order for maintenance, but that was overnight."

"Do they know why it stopped?"

"They don't know but they started it up again. It stopped for only a few minutes. They directed the elevator to stop at the floor we're on. When the door opened, I saw Rachel terrified in the corner. The man who was in there with her said she must've been claustrophobic."

"Do you know the man was?"

"I think it was Slade Wilson. Bruce worked with him some and said he was cut-throat in business and intimidating to some of the staff."

"Do you think he scared her in some way?"

"You mean, did he try to hurt her?"

"No, maybe being trapped in a small room with a strange man was enough to have an effect on Rachel like this. We don't know exactly what happened that night. Maybe this sent her back to the attack. Plus if he's as intimidating as you say he is maybe that shook her up."

"I don't know but I got some bad vibes from this Slade guy."

Rachel stops listening to them soon after they started talking. She barely hears their voices as she's lost in her own thoughts. '_What am I going to do? How did he find me? How did he know I was going to be here? Is he watching me? Is he following me? I can't go home if he's watching the house. Trigon's hardly there anymore and I can't be there alone. What am I going to do? Where do I go? What do I do? How can I be safe if he can get to me so easily? How can I keep my friends safe? They were starting to convince me things would be okay if I went to the police. Now I can _never_ think about doing that. What do I do? What do I do? What do I …_'

Rachel flinches away as she sees out of the corner of her eye something large coming near her. "What are you doing?!"

The four friends stand by helpless as they watch Rachel tremble with fear. "You're shivering so much; we thought a blanket might help warm or comfort you."

Rachel slightly nods, accepting the knit throw. It does feel a little comforting but there aren't enough blankets in the world to make her feel better. Looking up she sees the party decorations. Her face crumples and tears soon follow. "Omigod, the party, I ruined the party. I'm sorry."

Kori kneels down in front of her tormented friend. "You did not ruin the party."

Rachel self-consciously rubs the tears away with the heels of her hands. "B-but I-I …left and g-got s-so upset over n-nothing."

"You did not ruin the party," repeats Kori.

"The party was winding down so don't worry about it," says Vic, "We're worried about you."

Rachel shakes her head. "You shouldn't be. I-I keep making _s-stupid _mistakes."

Kori takes Rachel's hands, forcing her friend to look st her. "What happened to you was not your fault. Please do not blame yourself. I have done some research and it is awful that society tends to blame the victim in this horrendous, evil crime. Please stop blaming yourself."

"I know what you say is true but sometime's it's so hard. It's hard to keep the self-doubt out of my mind."

Rachel can't sit still anymore. She gets up. She paces around the room. This skyscraper suddenly feels as though it's too small for her. She doesn't know where to go or what to do. Her friends watch feeling helpless as she paces like a caged animal.

"You wanna go home?"

"No, I can't, I can't go there. My father's away and I can't be in that empty house. Even though I'm sure he hates me, I don't think he'd let anybody hurt me." '_That is, as long as he's not too drunk.'_ "Normally, I don't mind being alone. I actually like being alone but right now I don't feel safe being by myself."

"Do you wish to stay at my house?" offers Kori.

"I've already spent too much time there. Your uncle's going to get suspicious. He'll want to know why I'm always there."

Richard suggests, "Maybe you should consider telling an adult what happened."

"I-I don't think I could do that. I know everyone will treat me different."

"Some people might but …"

"You guys do." Rachel quickly adds. "I know you don't mean to and you probably don't even know you're doing it. Sometimes you treat me as if I'm made of glass. It's as if you're waiting, afraid but waiting for me to break apart. Don't worry. I don't blame you. I feel the same way. I often feel like I'm barely holding it together."

Gar frowns, he hates that they've made her so upset when they're supposed to be helping her. "Rachel, we're sorry. We didn't mean to make you feel that way. We're just trying to look out for you."

"I know and I'm sorry. I shouldn't be complaining. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know everyone's going to look and treat me different because I am different. I'm not the girl I was before. That girl's gone. It's just that this is all so frustrating. I start to think I'm getting better, then something like today happens and everything drags me down again."

"Where are you gonna go if you can't go home?" wonders Gar.

"I'd let you stay here but I'm afraid Bruce would ask too many questions. He'd want to know why you'd need a place to stay. He's very perceptive and I'm sure he'd see through any story we'd tell him. Sorry." Richard adds, "And, I don't know if you'd feel comfortable staying with three guys."

Vic sighs, "I'm afraid my dad would be the same way, asking questions. I'm sorry."

Rachel turns from her friends so they don't see her disappointment. "It's not a problem. Don't worry; no big deal."

"Would you want me to stay with you?"

"That's a good idea; Kori could stay with you tonight."

"No!" Rachel says not hiding the panic in her voice. "She can't stay there! I can't let her do that! I can't risk it!"

"Rachel, you're not making any sense. Why can't Kori sleep over at your house?"

"You're right about being stuck in that elevator triggering things. It sent me back to that awful night. I-I remembered things I never want to remember."

"What did you remember?" asks Richard, trying to coax Rachel into opening up some. Not that he wants to know the details of the attack but he thinks it might help her if doesn't keep it bottled up. She shakes her head. "Please, Rachel, you can tell us. Maybe it'll help."

Wearily, Rachel sighs. What she tells them is true but the sequence of events is wrong. She doesn't let on that she learned this piece of information earlier today. "H-he said if I-I told anyone, he'd, he'd come after my friends."

Vic reminds her, "You told us and nobody's coming after us. The bastard was just trying to scare you. We're okay, we're safe."

"But if Kori stays the night, she might not be. I can't risk that."

Richard's eyes narrow, "Why wouldn't Kori be safe at your house?"

"Because it, it happened there. He attacked me in …in my house. One night …he was …he was just …there and I ...I-I couldn't … I couldn't stop him." The friends are appalled by what Rachel just said. They're all dumbstruck. Acknowledging this information sets off a new wave of tears for the distraught teen.

Vic is the first to find his voice. Once she's calmed down some, he asks the question that they're dreading to know the answer to. "I am so sorry. Did, did it happen in, um, in your room?"

"Thank God no." Her friends let out the breaths they're holding. "It didn't happen in my room. But it happened in that house and I don't feel safe there."

* * *

Out of ideas and options, Rachel reluctantly goes home. The others offer her a ride but she wants to delay getting home so she walks. Not wanting her to be alone, Gar walks with her. They are quite most of the time. Both are trying to think of what to do.

Just a few blocks from Rachel's house, Gar startles Rachel by blurting out, "Hey, I have an idea. Maybe you could stay at my house."

Rachel stops walking and looks at him as if he's crazy. "What?"

Liking his idea, he continues, "Yeah, you could stay a night or two at my house. My parents probably wouldn't let you longer than that but it'd give you some time to think."

"You really think I could do that? And you don't think they'll ask questions?"

"They'll ask questions but we can tell them, uh, that …you, um …you had a fight with your dad. That you just need some time so things can cool down."

"Are you sure?"

Gar suggests his only other idea, "You could try asking Jinni if you could stay with her."

Rachel shakes her head. "No, that won't work. She won't talk to me. She still mad at me for pushing her away when I pushed you guys away."

"Sooo, it looks like you're coming home with me."

"You really think your parents will be okay with it?"

"My parents are used to strays following me home or me bringing home wounded animals."

"Gee thanks."

"I didn't mean it that way. One summer a few years ago, I found a bird with a broken wing. I fixed it up and it was soon good as new. When I set it free, it flew back a couple times. It's almost like it was thanking me."

"How did you know what to do?"

"I dunno. I just have this connection to animals. It's kinda the same with girls. They're just drawn to me. It must be my animal magnetism."

"Keep dreaming."

The rest of the way to Gar's house, they're quiet. Once there, Rachel nervously follows Gar into his house. She hopes this works out. She hopes she's doing the right thing.

Gar calls out, "Mom, Dad, I'm home."

A female voice calls back, "We're in the kitchen, honey."

Before they enter the kitchen, Gar gives Rachel an encouraging smile. "Hi, Mom, Dad, I brought a friend home with me and I was kinda hoping she could stay here a night or two."

Gar's parents, Mark and Marie Logan, look up from their tasks and see a teenaged girl standing next to their son. She looks miserable. Noticing her bloodshot eyes and smudged eyeliner, their curiosity and concerns are peaked. Gar continues, "This is Rachel and she got in a _huge_ fight with her dad. Like I said, I was kinda hoping she could stay while things cooled off."

"Rachel, is it?" She nods. "Rachel, honey, what happened?"

Rachel shifts anxiously from one foot to the other. "Uh, it's like Gar said, I had a fight with my dad."

"Did he hurt you? Was he abusive?"

"No." '_It's been months since he, himself, has laid a hand on me._' "But I share my dad's temper and things were said that shouldn't have been. Sometimes things said in anger hurt the most."

"Couldn't she stay ay Kori's?" suggests Mark.

"Kori's going outta town," lies Gar.

"What about staying with one of your other girl friends?"

Rachel looks down at her hands. "Um, I'm not that good at making friends."

Gar's parents understand what she's saying. "You don't have anyone else you could stay with?"

Trying not to show her disappointment while feeling rejected again, Rachel says, "It's okay. I understand you can't let me stay. You probably didn't expect your son to bring home someone like me. It was just an idea. I'm sorry to bother you. I should probably just go home. It's okay. I'll be fine." She turns to leave.

"Mom, dad, you can't let her leave. She needs our help."

"Wait a minute." Rachel stops and slowly turns back to them. She wonders if they saw through their story. Do they know they're lying, that she didn't have a fight with her father? Gar's parents eye one another. This girl in oversized clothes looks so tired that she could sleep standing up. The teens anxiously watch the adults as they communicate through exchanged glances.

A loud growling stomach breaks the silence. Red-faced, Rachel quickly wraps her arms around her stomach. "Sorry. I should go."

"Sweetie, when was the last time you ate?" Rachel's baggy clothes accentuate her gauntness.

"Earlier today but I'm okay." To prove it she smiles. "I'll get something later, when I get home."

"Oh yeah, that's right. You never got any of your cake." Gar remembers things falling apart at the end of the party.

"Her cake? What are you talking about?"

"Well, we threw Rachel a birthday party …"

"…a belated birthday party," Rachel corrects him.

"That's right, a belated birthday party and she never got any of her cake because she got trapped in the elevator."

"What? How did that happen?"

"Dunno but then she goes home and gets in this fight with her dad. I was on my way home when she called me. She was crying. I mean, she was really sobbing. I had trouble understanding her she was crying so hard." Rachel eyes him, '_You don't have to make me sound _so_ pathetic._' "I finally got what she's saying. She told me how her father was yelling at her about things she had no control over. Like things about work."

Feeling bad for the girl, Marie pulls out a chair. "Here, why don't you sit and I'll get you something. We can figure out what to do after you've had a bite to eat."

As Rachel finishes the bowl of vegetarian chili, Mark says, "If you're going to stay here, you need to call to your dad."

"But dad, he …"

"It's common courtesy, Gar. We'd want to know where you were and that you're safe, even if we were arguing."

"Well, uh, he's not home. That's kind of the problem. Lately he's traveling a lot for his job. He says he has to do this job because of me. He thinks that I want too much, that I'm too …expensive, too greedy."

Something about this doesn't seem right. To Gar's parents, Rachel's appearance makes her look as if she's steps away from being living on the streets, not an overindulged child. Instead of mentioning this, Mark asks, "When will he be back?"

"I think he's gone all weekend." Rachel's not sure if he's home or not. She never went home. She's decided a while ago, the less she's there, the better.

"Okay, you can stay tonight…"

"Thanks dad, thanks mom. You guys are awesome!"

"…but you need to call your father and tell him where you are." She nods. "Do you need to use our phone?"

Rachel shakes her head and pulls out her phone. "Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Logan."

"Come on, I'll show you the guest room. You can call your dad there."

Marie leaves Rachel nervously fingering the keypad of her phone. Rachel doesn't know whether to call home or call her father's cell phone. Reasoning that wherever he is, he'd have his phone, she calls his cell. Going straight to voicemail, Rachel leaves a quick message that she's staying at a friend's house. She doesn't give any specific information. She doesn't want to risk putting Gar and his family in danger.

While Rachel's making her call, Gar' parents are questioning him about Rachel. "Are you sure this girl isn't trouble?"

"What do you mean 'trouble'?"

"Well, we've never heard you mention her before."

"Uh, I'm pretty sure I have but in the fall, she became part of our group. A few months ago, there was a misunderstanding and she drifted away. Recently she came back to our group."

"Something about her seems like trouble. She not into drugs is she?"

"Mom!?"

"Well, she so thin, too thin. I've heard some drugs can do that."

Gar rolls his eyes. "No. Rachel's not into drugs. None of my friends are."

"Good but if she's not doing drugs; does she have an eating disorder?"

"Mom!? Dad can't you stop her?"

"Well, as your mom said, your friend's very skinny."

Gar rolls his eyes again. "No, she doesn't have an eating disorder. Rachel's not anorexic. You saw how she ate the soup. I don't think you can eat like that if you're anorexic. It's, like, against the rules or something." He sighs. He didn't want to get into this but he's afraid if he doesn't tell them something; they'll change their mind and turn Rachel way. "Maybe the 'trouble' you sense is her past. She lost her mom a few years ago and she was bullied in school. None of that is her fault. I'm just trying to be her friend and look out for her."

Mark says, "Okay, sorry. It's good that you're looking out for your friend. So, speaking of friends we haven't heard about. What about Terra? We haven't heard about her in a while. What's she been up to? She's such a nice girl. She's so friendly and no trouble. We never had to worry about her."

"I don't know, dad." Gar folds his arms across his chest. He's irritated by what he's implying. His dad makes it sound like Terra's better than Rachel is. Just because Terra always acted perfect around them, they saw her that way. Gar knew that wasn't the case.

"You were so cute together. I always thought you two would make a cute couple."

Gar glares at his mom. "Terra's moved on. I dunno anything about her. I don't wanna talk about her."

"So, are you dating Rachel?"

"What? No, like I said, we're just friends."

His mom says, "That's good."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't mean anything by it."

"When I said I wasn't dating Rae, you seemed glad about that. I can't believe it; you're judging her, aren't you? Didn't think you'd be like that. I thought you'd be fair, not so judgmental. I told her you guys would be reasonable but I guess I was wrong."

"Garfield, don't talk to your mom like that. Take it easy."

"Then what's with the interrogation?"

"We're not judging your friend. We're just concerned about you."

"He's right, honey, we don't want you getting mixed up with the wrong crowd."

"The wrong crowd? I thought you said you weren't judging her. It sounds like you are. You've already decided you don't like her."

"No, that's not true. However, we each knew girls in high school who were like Rachel. They were troubled girls and we just want you to be careful."

"What type of girl is Rachel? Does her dyed hair and black nail polish mean she's dangerous and shouldn't be trusted?

"That's not what we're saying. I'm sure Rachel is nice but sometimes nice girls can get into trouble." Gar glares at his parents in disbelief. They've never acted like this.

* * *

After phoning Trigon, Rachel goes to the bathroom and splashes some water on her face. It helps her feel a little better. She's about to enter the kitchen when she hears Terra's name. She stops. She hears what his parents are insinuating. She also hears Gar's frustration. To resist the urge to lash out at them she goes back to the guest room. It won't do her any good to yell at them. They've been kind enough to give her a place to sleep. Rachel knows she has to stay calm. She doesn't want to cause Gar any trouble especially since he's helping her. She gives them a few moments before going back to the kitchen. Outside the kitchen, Rachel doesn't hear anything but she clears her throat, letting them know she's there.

"Oh hey Rachel, did you get a hold of your dad?"

"It went straight to voicemail so I just left a message. Is that okay?"

"That's fine. Why don't you sit and join us. So, what do you like to do?"

"I read a lot."

"Rachel's an artist," adds Gar.

"I'm not an artist. I just doodle sometimes." Rachel feels her face getting red; she doesn't like talking about herself.

"Well that's nice."

"Do you get good grades?"

"Sometimes, I'm trying to work on that."

"Gar needs to focus on his grades.'

"Da-ad!"

"Well, it's true."

There's a lull in the conversation. "Umm," Rachel's trying to think of something to say. She hates small talk but feels as though Gar's parents need to see that she can be sociable. "It's nice that it's warming up."

"Yeah, we're ready for spring."

Awkwardly, everyone sits in silence.

"Hey Rachel," says Gar, breaking the silence. "Wanna see the sweet new video game I got?"

"I don't play video games."

"Aww, c'mon, you don't hav'ta play, just see it. But just so you know, Kori's played before."

"Kori has more energy than she knows what to do with." Rachel smiles. "Fine, I'll come and see your game but don't expect me to play it."

Marie calls after the teens, "Leave the door open."

Gar grumbles back, "Yes, mom." To Rachel he says, "It's not like I haven't had a girl in my room before. It was Kori and the others were there but still, Kori's a girl."

After a while, his parents hear Gar helping Rachel play the game. "No, no, push the other one, the other button! You're going the wrong way!" They hear Rachel's light laughter, "I told you I'm not good at this! It's a good thing I'm not behind the wheel of a real car." The adults smile as the teens continue to laugh; maybe they were reading too much into Rachel's situation.

After trying to teach Rachel a few games, they conclude that she's terrible at video games. Bored with the video games, Rachel looks around his room. This is the second time she's been in one of her guy friends' room. The last time it was Richard's room and she was too preoccupied to be nervous about that. Now, she a little nervous. She knows he'd try to do anything to her. It just feels strange being in a boy's room.

Rachel glances over at Gar who looks a little uneasy as she studies his room. "I'm sorry. Am I making you nervous looking around your room? We could go somewhere else and do something."

"Nah, I'm okay. Wanna try another game?"

"Seriously? You saw me; I'm horrible at them. So, no, no more video games for me." A box catches her eye. She peers in then looks at Gar. She raises an eyebrow, "Is that…?"

He laughs sheepishly, "Oh, you found my collection."

"You have a collection of peanut butter jars?"

'"Yeah, well, um, it started as a school project a few years ago. I needed a few jars," he explains, "After I was done with that I wanted to see how many I could collect in a year. This is my 'graveyard of peanut butter'."

"O-kay, guess everyone needs hobbies."

"C'mon, everyone collect something strange?"

"I don't."

"Sure you do, everyone does." He pauses to think of an idea. He suggests, "Like, maybe you collect ketchup packets from different states or maybe you keep souvenirs from your dates."

"No." she says flatly, sorry she brought the subject up.

"Sorry, I didn't mean …"

"It's okay, I understand." She sees something else and hopes to move on to something new. She goes over to the guitar. "I didn't know you played." She strums it a few times, enjoying to soft tones.

"Yeah, sometimes, my grandpa taught me. It was his guitar. Want me to teach you how to play?"

Rachel looks curious and uncertain at the same time. "I …probably wouldn't be any good."

"Sure you would. It'd just take some practice."

"Are you sure?" Gar nods. "Um, okay, as long as you don't mind."

"No problem. Bring it over here." Rachel hands Gar his guitar. She sits down next to him on his bed after pulling her hair back into a low ponytail. Sitting beside her, he hand her the guitar. He instructs her how to hold it.

Gar glances over to her. "You know, you should wear your hair up more. It's pretty, pulled back; it shows off your face."

Rachel starts to take her hair down. "I'm not pretty. You're just surprised to see me with my hair up."

"Rachel, you _are _pretty. Don't you see it?"

She shakes her head. "How could I be pretty if my father hurt me? And then …well …I'm, I'm just not pretty." She lets her hair fall over her face.

"There's never been a time when you felt pretty?"

"The first and only time I really felt even a little pretty was the night of the dance. It was almost like a fairytale. You guys wanted _me _to be your friend. Thank you. You made me feel normal, not some messed up freak."

After a few moments of awkward silence, Gar clears his throat, "Um, Rae …I mean Rachel?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, can I ask you something?"

She sighs. She's sure it's about her feeling like freak. "Sure, fine, go ahead."

Gar softly asks, "Do you um, often think about uh, it …eh, what happened?"

Rachel freezes. The world around her begins to fade as she loses focus. Several minutes pass and Gar's afraid that she's shutting him out again.

When she does speak, it's barely above a whisper. "I don't _want_ to think about it. I _try_ not to think about it. But it's like …quicksand; the more I struggle to get away from it, the more I'm pulled in. I try to make myself busy so I don't have time to think. Sometimes that works, for a while. But everything comes flooding back at night, when I'm asleep. I hate the nightmares."

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you. Here, let me show you how to play." He helps her position her hands on the guitar. After he shows her how to play a few chords, he plays a song for her. Rachel smiles as she listens. She's always liked the sound of acoustic guitars. Maybe some day, in the far future, she'd play and sing. Maybe she could still become a singer like she wanted to when she was younger.

He hands he the guitar again. She strums the strings, enjoying the sound and the vibrations under her fingers. She feels alive.

"Gar, Rachel," calls out Marie, "time for bed.

Rachel hands him back the guitar and thanks him for the lesson. Before she gets to the door Gar says, "Um, good night, Rachel, sweet dreams."

"Thanks again for letting me stay here. 'Night."

"No problem. Call me if you need anything. Good night."

In the morning, Rachel joins Gar and his parents for breakfast. "So how'd you sleep?" asks Gar. "Did you have a good night?"

"Yeah," smiles Rachel, "I did, thank you. I'm a little surprised because I usually have trouble sleeping in a new bed."

"I'm glad, you look well rested," says Marie. "My mom says, 'a good nights sleep help things look better.'"

"Mo-om!"

"I didn't mean it that way. Although a good nigh sleep helps a person look and feel better. What I meant was sometimes problems don't seem as big in the morning. You've heard your grandma say that many times."

"Oh, yeah, sorry."

While eating, Rachel just sits and watches as Gar and his parents talk. Like with her other friends, she's envious of this family's close relationship. Even though she feels physically better, she doesn't think her problems have gotten smaller. She still has to worry about her father and going home. Her biggest worry is if the rapist is now stalking her.

She feels safe at Gar's home. She wishes she could stay here but that's impossible. His parents have already said she could only stay one night. Rachel's trying to figure out what to do when Gar asks her a question.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I was wondering what you wanted to do today." Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "Wanna hang out with the others? We could go to a movie. Or since I got you started playing video games, we could go to the arcade."

Rachel raises an eyebrow at this suggestion. "Ah, no. _I'm_ not going anywhere near that noisy place. Hanging out with the others, that'd be cool. First, I'd like to change out of these clothes. I'm getting kind of sick of them."

"Sure, we can go over to your place soon. Let me take a quick shower, and then we can go." While Gar is in the shower, Rachel looks around the living room. She studies the family photos. She smiles, in most of them, no matter what Gar's age; he has an animal with him.

* * *

Gar and Rachel walk to her house. They chat about movies, TV shows and music. A few blocks from her house, Rachel gets quieter. Instead of having lively conversations about concerts they've seen, as she was moments ago; she gives one or two word comments.

Gar notices the change in her body language. She's tense and her shoulders are squared off. Glancing sown at her hands, he sees that they're clenched. Irritated that he notices this, she jabs her hands into her jean pockets. "Hey, Rae-chel, you okay?"

"Yeah." She has her lips pressed together in a thin line. Instead of looking at Gar, she just looks down at the sidewalk.

"You don't wanna go home, do you?"

"How could you tell? Sorry, I just …" she sighs.

"Don't worry about it. Hey, want me to call the others to meet us there?"

"Sure, I don't care."

"Think your dad'll be there?"

Rachel shrugs, "Don't know. Probably not."

Gar decides to give things a rest for a while. They walk in silence to Rachel's house. Once there, they see Trigon's car isn't there. To wait for their friends, they sit on the front steps.

"Is he really out-of-town that much? Kori said sometimes when he is, you stay with her."

She shrugs again, "Yeah, I guess."

Trying to understand, Gar wonders, "Was he always like that? I mean you hardly talked about him. And when you did, you just mentioned he was working. Was he out-of-town a lot back then?"

Rachel sighs deeply. She doesn't want to talk about her father but Gar's sincerely trying to understand her. She's trying to figure out what to say. "Um, well, he's always been a workaholic."

"So he travels a lot. Is that why you're used to being along?"

"He was never out-of-town when I was little. The traveling didn't start happening until recently. Rachel rolls her eyes. "After the 'accusations' of abuse, he was hanging around, not at work all the time. He was actually asking about me. I knew it was all fake. I knew he just wanted things to look good for the police and social workers."

"Don't they think it's suspicious that he's gone so much?"

Rachel's brow wrinkles. "No, he said they'd forget about me. He was right. Nobody comes around anymore. Guess my case got lost or something. I didn't gain anything from the truth coming out."

"He stopped hurting you, so that's good."

Rachel simply answers with a sad yeah. Gar looks over to her strangely. What's with her reaction? Shouldn't she be relieved that her father's leaving her alone? He doesn't get a chance to ask her about it because Malcolm comes out of his house. Malcolm says, "Hey kid, how you doing? Is this your boyfriend?"

Rachel glares at him. "We're just friends and I _don't _date."

"Sure, okay, well, see you around." Malcolm gets on his bike and roars down the driveway.

Gar still doesn't get a chance to mentions Rachel's reaction. Vic's car pulls up; Kori and Richard are with him.

Rachel stands up, "Sorry you guys had to come over."

"Don't worry about it Rae."

Rachel lets everyone in. Richard and Gar are the only ones who haven't been here before. She catches Gar looking around in amazement. She doesn't know what he was expecting but something tells her, he was imagining a haunted house. She says, "Looks pretty normal doesn't it; not like a house of horrors?"

Gar stammers, "Oh, um, I didn't mean …"

She interrupts him, "It's okay, I know you didn't know what to expect especially since I don't talk about it much. Um, you're all welcome to eat anything here, if there is anything. I'm just gonna go take a quick shower and change."

When they hear the water come on for the shower, the others check out the kitchen. There's not much here. It almost looks like no one lives here. They wonder how often Trigon comes home. Has he abandoned his daughter? Without a job, Rachel can't live like this for long. They leave the nearly empty kitchen to explore the rest of the main floor. Everything _looks_ normal. No one would ever suspect any sort of abuse happening here.

Tripping on a rug, Gar bumps into the table in the front hall. "Hey, watch it Gar," warns Vic, "That's probably an antique." Everything they've seen looks very expensive or like an antique.

"Sorry, dude, it was an accident. I tripped." He kneels down to look at the little button-like thing. "Hey, what's this?" The others come over to see what he found.

"What is it?"

"I dunno. I think it fell off the table when I bumped into it."

"Was it on the table?"

"I don't think so. All I saw was that tray of mail. What do you think it is?"

Vic picks it up. "It's sticky on one side." He keeps studying it. He thinks it looks familiar.

"Like it was stuck to something?" Richard's checking out the bottom of the table. "There's a small sticky spot. It's about the size of that thing. Think it was stuck here?"

Gar wonders, "Why would someone stick a button-thingy on the bottom of a table?"

Thinking he knows what it is, Vic drops it on the floor a steps on it.

"Why did you do that? Perhaps it was there for safe keeping?"

"I don't think so Kor. You know how I'm into computers and technology?" The others nod, wondering where he's going with this. "Well, I'm always online or reading magazines about that and there are ads for things."

"Have you seen something like this in those ads?" asks Richard.

"Yeah, I think it's a bug. That's why …"

"That's why you stepped on it," finishes Richard.

"Ooo, gross, a bug. I hate bugs," says Kori, "Let me see."

"It's not an insect bug; it's a listening device bug."

Rachel comes into the front hall. They're all looking down at something. "What are you doing?"

They look up at Rachel. She looks refreshed. They don't want to upset her but she should know what they found. Richard says, "We found something that doesn't belong here."

"What?" she's curious and concerned.

Vic picks up the destroyed gadget. "We found a bug, a listening device. Any idea how it got there?"

"Where was it?" She feels weird knowing someone could've been listening to her. How long was it there?

"It fell off this table when I bumped into it."

"Terra." Rachel remembers the blonde leaning against that table.

"Why would you say her name?"

"She was here last week."

"That's right; you mentioned that when I came over to talk about your party."

"What was she doing here?"

"She was wondering about you, Gar."

"Me?"

"You think she would've put this here? Why would she do that?"

"I don't know." Everyone's confused. Would Terra really do something like this? Rachel and Terra aren't not friends so it isn't really betrayal, is it? Rachel has a flashback. She only remembers bits of what _he_ whispered, _"The other girl wasn't this challenging. …she wanted it …she struggled some at first. …about your age. …one of your friends?" _Rachel's forgotten any of this until now. '_Was there really another girl? Could Terra have been the girl he was talking about? Did he hurt her like he hurt me? If he did, why would she help him? Is this how he knew how to find me yesterday?_'

"Rachel? You okay?"

She blinks several times coming back to the present. "Yeah, sure, I-I'm fine. Let's get out of here. It's just too weird that someone could've been listening for I don't know how long. Thanks for finding it and destroying it."

"No problem. Where do you wanna go?"

"I don't care as long as it's not here."

Loading into Vic's car, they decide going to the mall is their best option. Gar even talks Rachel into going to the arcade. They spend all day keeping busy, distracting Rachel. They don't return to Rachel's until late evening.

"You sure you're gonna be alright? Sure you don't wanna stay at Kori's?

"It would not be a problem if you did."

"It's okay. I'll …" Rachel sighs then smiles, "I'll be fine. Don't worry. I'm sixteen; I should be able to stay home alone without being afraid of the bogeyman."

"If you are sure." Kori gives Rachel a gentle hug. "Call me even if you just wish to talk about nothing."

"That goes for all of us," says Richard. "Call any of us, any time."

"He's right, we'll be here in minutes, just call us," says Vic, "You know I'd do anything for my 'little sister'."

"I know, thanks. And thanks for being so understanding." She wonders why Gar's so quiet.

Vic says to Gar, "C'mon, we should go."

Gar says, "You guys go ahead. I'll call you if I need a ride. I just don't feel right leaving Rachel alone right now. I'm worried about her."

"We all are but she's stronger than she thinks."

* * *

"What are you still doing here? Why didn't you leave with the others?"

"I just thought I'd stay with you a little longer."

"So, you lost the bet and have to baby sit me. Great. What was it? You guessed how long it'd take me to freak out? Or are you here to see how long it takes for me to really lose it?"

"I'm not here to baby sit you. There was no bet. We'd never do something like that. I'm here as your friend."

"Aren't you lucky," she says sarcastically, "you get to be friends with a freak."

Gar's confused. '_Where is this coming from? She was fine a moment ago._'"I wanna stay here and help you."

"Why? I need to get used to the new me. The me who's a bigger freak than before. I need to stop being afraid of being alone. Because that's what I am, alone and a freak."

"Rachel?"

"Call them back so they can give you a ride. I'm sure they're not too far away."

"I'm not gonna call them." He repeats, "I wanna stay here and help you."

"Fine," Rachel goes to pick up the phone, "if you won't call, then I will."

"Rachel, stop." Gar holds his hand over hers stopping her from picking up the phone. "You're not a freak and you're not alone. We're your friends and we're _not_ gonna abandon you like everyone else has."

It takes a moment for what Gar said to sink in. Her anger melts into uncertainty and hope. Rachel then does something she and Gar never thought she'd do. She throws her arms around his neck, hugging him. Gar's shocked. He doesn't know what to do. This isn't a romantic hug. It's more like a lifesaving hug. It's almost as if Rachel's afraid of her life drowning her and right now Gar's her lifeline. Awkwardly, Gar pats Rachel on her back to comfort her.

Quickly she pulls away and mutters, "Sorry, I-I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay, you did nothing wrong." Gar gets an idea. "Would you feel safer if I stayed here tonight?"

"You mean sleep here, overnight?" He nods. "You can't do that. I mean your parents …you'll get in trouble. You'll …I …"

"You know I'm not gonna hurt you. Do you feel safer with me being here?"

"Yeah, but …"

"Then let me stay." Rachel looks unsure. "I could sleep on the sofa."

Thinking about it, Rachel accidentally speaks her thoughts aloud. "Could he sleep on my floor?"

"Sure, I could do that." Confused, Rachel looks at him. "You just wondered if I could sleep on your floor. Sure, I could do that if it makes you feel safe. Would you feel better if I slept on your floor instead of the sofa?"

"Yeah, maybe …I don't know." She knows she's not making any sense. "I've never had a boy sleep in my room before." Her face turns beet red.

Gar's face almost matches the same shade as Rachel's face. He stammers, "If it makes you, um, feel better; I've, uh, I've never, um slept in a girl's room."

"Oh, well okay, um your parents …" She's just as nervous as he is.

"My parents will think I'm at Vic's. I just have to call him and let him know what we're doing if you want me to stay. He'll be okay with it. Don't worry, he'll go along."

Rachel suddenly feels shy and awkward around Gar. She knows he wants to help her and that he would never try anything. He already knows her two ugliest secrets and he hasn't run away. But she's afraid it would be weird having him in her room.

Gar senses her apprehension. Not wanting to add to her stress, he suggests, "Why don't I sleep on your floor a few hours. If you're not comfortable with that, then I could move to the sofa. You had a good night sleep at my house. Maybe you need a chance for that here?"

"Okay, I guess we could try it."

Upstairs, Rachel shows him the bathroom while she gets an extra pillow and blankets from the linen closet. It feels strange for her to leave her door not only unlocked but also open while she waits for Gar. After Kori's visit, Rachel cleaned up her room some. That is she shoved most of her stuff into her closet. However, she did toss out the actual trash. If her wall shocks him, he doesn't say anything when he comes in her room.

Rachel sits on her bed with her knee pulled up to her chest while Gar sits on the blankets on the floor. "So, um, sorry I didn't have anything better for you to sleep on."

"That's okay, these blankets will do."

They look at one another, nervous and shy. "So, um …" says Rachel at the same time Gar says, "Did you …"

Again they speak at the same time, "You go first." and "Oh, sorry."

Gar laughs nervously, "I was just wondering if you wanted to go to sleep now cuz you look a little tired. You don't look bad, just kinda worn-out."

Proving his point, Rachel yawns. "Yeah, guess I am kinda tired. That whole thing with that bug sorta worries me. It's just really creepy, you know." She lays down and pulls her blanket up to her chin.

Gar lays on his side so he can still talk to Rachel. "Yeah, that was totally creepy. I mean, like, who does something like that? But try not to worry about it; Vic took care of it."

"Sure, I'll try not to worry. Um, do you mind if I leave this light on and turn on the radio." Avoiding his eyes, Rachel tries to explain. "I, um, sometimes don't like the dark or the quiet. I just need a little something."

"Sure it's okay, whatever you need." He settles down under his blanket. "Good night."

"'Night." Rachel does the same in her bed. "Um, Gar?"

He props himself on his elbow. "Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"No problem, this is what friends do."

The teens lay on there, lost in their own thoughts. Slowly, slumber takes over them.

* * *

Gar's startled awake. At first, he doesn't know where he is. Remembering he's in Rachel's room, he looks up to her bed and sees what woke him up. Rachel's thrashing, struggling with the blanket. She's still asleep but she cries out. She must be having a nightmare. Gar doesn't know what to do as his friend cries out, "No, no! I didn't … No! He forced …"

Gar climbs onto her bed and tries to calm her down. "Rachel? Rachel? It's okay, calm down. You're safe. No one's gonna hurt you."

Rachel struggles harder the more Gar tries to calm her down. His heart breaks hearing the panic in her voice. "No! Stop! Stay away! Stay away! NO!"

She wakes up, panting for air. She's shocked to find Gar holding her arms. Still terrorized by her nightmare, she shrinks away from him. "W-w-what are y-you…?"

He lets go of her. "Rachel, I'm not trying to hurt you. You had a nightmare and I was trying to wake you up and calm you down."

Remembering her nightmare, she covers her face with her hands. She's ashamed, how could she ever think one of her friends would hurt her like that? "I-I'm sorry. I-I d-didn't mean … I-I know y-you w-wouldn't…" She brakes down crying, not able to voice her horrible suspicions she had of her friend.

He gathers her into the second hug within hours. She trembles as she cries. "It's okay. You don't have to be sorry. I know you're just scared. I'm sorry you had the nightmare and _I_ scared you. You mentioned earlier that you hated the nightmares. Do you, um, have nightmares like this one often?"

Still holding tight to Gar, she shakes her head against his shoulder. "Not lately. It's this damn house. I _hate_ this place. To _everyone_ else, this is a normal house. It's not that way for me. The past abuses haunt me. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, go ahead and cry if you want."

"I don't _want _to but I can't help myself. Sometimes I feel like I can't stop."

"Do you remember the nightmare? Wanna tell me about it? Maybe it'll help?"

She slowly pulls away from her friend as she considers what she should share. She remembers this one; most of them she doesn't. Rachel looks around her dark room. She's never shared anything about her dreams, could she do that now?

"It's okay too if you don't want to."

Rachel takes another moment before she speaks. She lets out a deep shaky sigh, "Um, it started out, I was alone in an empty room. My parents suddenly appeared. I don't know where they came from. This room didn't have any doors or windows.

"They knew what happened to me. They, they blamed me for …it happening. They said it was my fault, that if I didn't want it I should've stopped it. Mom yelled at me with hatred that since I didn't try to stop him, then I must've wanted it. But that's not true; I fought. I tried to tell her he forced himself on me, that I didn't want anything to do with him. My, my mom called me a …a slut. She said I was a slut because I-I …because I had …s-sex with an older man.

"They multiplied until there were dozens of each of them standing around me. They continued to yell at me, that it was my fault. They were so loud.

"I screamed for them to stop and the others disappeared. It was just the three of us again. They looked at me with disgust and hate." Rachel stops. She knows there's more to her dream but she's having trouble focusing.

"I'm sorry. You know it's not your fault?"

Rachel starts to nod when the rest of her nightmare surfaces. She gasps, "_He_ was there." Panic rises in her voice.

"Who was there?" Gar watches as terror takes over the distress on her features.

"_He's_ there. He was coming over to me. My parents wouldn't help me. They're too busy blaming me. I couldn't run away. I was stuck. My feet, my legs were frozen. I couldn't move. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. He whispered in my ear."

"What did he say?"

Tears freely flow as she says, "He said that I couldn't have stopped him. And that nobody will believe me." Gar gathers her into another tender hug. "I shouldn't have made him angry. I should've stopped it. My parents were right; I am to blame, I-I didn't stop it."

"Rachel, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. It's not your fault what that son of a bitch did to you."

"But I should've fought harder. I didn't fight hard enough. When he …I-I just gave up. I let him …"

"You did fight. I know you; you're a fighter. The bastard was probably larger and stronger than you were. He was wrong, not you. He took advantage of you. And you did what you had to do to survive. It wasn't your fault. And I know you fought that awful night cuz you fought against me when you were dreaming and I was trying to calm you down. You punched me."

Rachel pulls away; her tear-filled eyes large with shock. "What?! I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean … I'm sorry. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Gar rubs his jaw. "Don't be sorry. And don't worry. I'll be fine but you have quite a left hook. That's why I know you fought like hell that night. I'm sorry he hurt you."

"I'm sorry I hurt you. And not just now. I don't mean to snap at everyone. I'm just so …overwhelmed sometimes."

"Is that why you painted your walls?"

Rachel sighs and pulls her knees up to her chest. "I did that the night before my birthday; everything was going wrong." She plays with her blanket so she doesn't have to look at Gar. "That's also the night I got drunk for the first time. Kori wondered what I did special for my birthday? I had my first of a few hangovers. Pretty pathetic, huh?"

"You're not pathetic. You were traumatized." Rachel yawns. "Are you tired? Wanna try to get some sleep?"

"Would you …never mind, forget it."

"What? What do you want me to do?"

"Would you mind staying here with me? I just need to feel safe right now. I don't want to be alone."

"You want me to sleep on your bed with you?"

"Never mind, it was a stupid idea. Forget I said anything."

"It's not a problem. I can do that. I just want you to be sure. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"It's not like we're going to do anything. But if you don't want to it's okay. I understand."

Rachel feels dejected when Gar gets off her bed. When he turns and sees her expression he quickly says, "I'm just getting my blanket and pillow. I'll do anything if it helps you."

They lie down on their backs, side by side, not even touching. They each have their own blanket. This reminds Rachel a little of that night in Hamilton with Jason. She groans to herself in disgust, '_Oh, God, when did I become such a "damsel in distress"?_'

Gar looks her way, "You okay?"

"Yeah," she stares into the dark room, "thanks …for everything. 'Night."

"Good night."

* * *

Gradually the teens awaken to the sound of birds. Gar's the first to wake up. He watches Rachel sleep with her head on his chest. He's glad she could get some sleep. He looks down at her hand resting on his chest. It looks so small. He wants to pick it up and hold it. He wants to hold her safe. How could anyone hurt her like that? He doesn't know what he can do or say to make her stop blaming herself. He hates feeling so helpless.

Rachel's eyes burn. This happens often and she hates it.

She doesn't know if Gar's awake, so she slowly moves her head from his chest. She feels color rise to her cheeks; she shouldn't have snuggled up to him. It was wrong. "Good morning," Gar says softly, "how'd you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess." She quickly moves her head back to her pillow. '_Why did I do that? Why did I do _any_ of this?_' It's so strange waking up next to a guy. "Um, how about you? How did you sleep?"

He stretches then props himself up on one arm. "It was alright. I was a little cramped against the wall, but it wasn't that bad."

"Sorry, you probably shouldn't have stayed. It was a bad idea."

"Don't worry, everything's okay. I've just never slept in a girl's bed before."

With that statement, Rachel bolts out of bed. "I should see what I can find anything for breakfast." She hurries down stairs.

Realizing his mistake, Gar goes after her. "Rachel, wait, I didn't mean anything by that."

"I know," she busies herself searching the kitchen. "Um, not really finding anything for you for breakfast."

"It's okay, I can have anything. Don't worry about it."

"But you're a vegetarian, right?" He nods. "Well, my father's a complete carnivore, so I don't have anything for you." She nervously looks around. "You should probably go. You know, so you can get something to eat."

"Aren't you coming?"

"I should straighten things a little."

"I'll stay and help you, then we can go together."

"No, I can handle this myself. You should go. We don't want anyone to know you were here overnight." Color floods her face.

Sensing that she's embarrassed about having him stay over, Gar agrees to go. "Meet me at school, in the courtyard like normal?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll see you there."

* * *

Gar meets up with his friends except Rachel. He looks around for her but doesn't see her. She should be here by now. "Hey, guys, have you seen Rachel?"

"I thought she was with you?"

Gar shakes his head, "She wanted some time alone. Ugh, I shouldn't have left her alone. Grrr, why did I do that? Some friend I am."

Kori puts her hand on his arm. "Please do not beat yourself up. You are a good friend to her. She is confused and probably needed some time to think."

Gar frowns, "Hope you're right, Kor."

Rachel knows they'll wonder where she is but she doesn't care. She's tired of trying to be what they want all the time. She just needs a moment to be herself. Rachel glides the razor blade over her arm already littered with white scars. Not deep enough to do serious damage, she just adds another scar to her others. '_What's one more scar?_'

* * *

**Hope that didn't suck too much.**


	29. Chapter 29: Overcome

**Songs About Me **

**Sorry for making you wait. Thanks for putting up with me. **

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Within Temptation or any lyrics**

**Chapter 29: Overcome**

* * *

**"**_**Where were all the heroes / In my time of need / Is my cry not loud enough / Or have they all gone numb**_**"- Overcome, Within Temptation**

* * *

It's about twenty minutes before school gets out. He chooses a spot on a side street facing the main entrance of Jump City High. He needs to be sure to have the right parking place so he can see her. He sits in his car waiting. He's waiting for another chance to see her.

He didn't realize how much he missed her until he heard her voice. True, she wants nothing to do with him; she made that perfectly clear in the elevator. In fact, she's always tried to avoid him. He doesn't care, what she wants doesn't matter to him. He supposes taking her virginity by force proves that. A slow malicious grin spreads on his face as that memory creeps into his mind. He still doesn't care; he got what he wanted - control - everything else was a bonus. Now he focuses on everything else since he already knows he has control over her.

He loved being close to her in the elevator; he could feel her fear. It was invigorating. It was different from that night in her house. He deliberates which kind of fear is better. '_That night in her house, she was terrified that I would hurt her. However, in the elevator, she knew what I was capable of doing._'

He doesn't know why he's so fascinated with this teenaged girl, especially when he has one throwing herself at him. They are similar in that their pasts have damaged both of them. However, that's where the similarities end. They are different, not just their appearances. Even though, her father has hurt this dark-haired teen, she still has something defiant about her**. **Maybe that's why he's attracted to her? She's still had some boldness even when she's timid and unsure. That all changed after he was with her. Now she seems to be afraid of her own shadow. He doesn't blame her though, if he were this girl, he'd be afraid of a man like him too.

What would he do if he got another chance to get close to her again? Would he take her and hide her away just for himself? Her father's away on business, or so he says. He sees no sign of business. He doesn't care. Whatever Trigon does, doesn't matter to him, as long as he leaves him alone. He just wants another chance at Trigon's daughter.

If he could get close to her again, alone, he wouldn't just talk to her. He hates that he couldn't do more that talk in the elevator but he knew time was limited. Next time, he would take her somewhere secluded. He wants to see her, all of her and touch her soft skin. He wants to hear her screams. He feeds off her fear. He wants her to beg. Maybe he could make her beg for him. Although, if he could get desire from her would that change things? Would he not be as fascinated by her if she didn't fear him? He doesn't know. He just know he practically ache to feel her again. Alone, several lascivious thoughts go through his mind**. **

A few minutes after three o'clock, kids come pouring out of the school. He looks, searching for her. He scans the throng of students. He doesn't see her. Did he miss her? He curses the noisy mass of teens. Why did there have to be so many of them? It doesn't take long for the crowd to thin.

'_There she is._' He grips the steering wheel and leans forward to get closer to her.'_She's in the middle of her small group of friends. How chivalrous, her friends seem to be protecting her, shielding her. She seems to shy away from the scrawny one. Knowing that she's vulnerable, did he try to get close to her?_' He grins, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. '_I did the same thing when I was his age. No mater what age they are, vulnerable girls are so enticing. I'm glad my little bird is so tempting but I want her all to myself. She's damaged; I damaged her. No guy should want to be with her._

'_It's almost as if she's hiding. I must've really scared her, again. I focused on her fear so much that I didn't notice that her hair is getting long again. She laughs at her friends jokes but it doesn't look like she's entirely happy. She still seems afraid. Why is she searching her surroundings? Can she sense that I'm here? Are we that connected? You know I'm here, don't you, little bird? You know what I want to do to you?_'

* * *

On Saturday, the weekend before Easter, Rachel and Richard help at a local food bank. Throughout the year, the school has several ways students can help the community. The two friends signed up months ago for this one. Rachel doesn't feel like doing this anymore but she does get some extra credit. She decides she needs all the help she can get for her grades.

The students form lines between the trucks and the building, passing boxes. There's a soft chatter as the student talk while they work.

As he grabs a box of canned vegetables, Richard asks, "Why are you avoiding Gar?"

Rachel takes the box from him. "I'm not avoiding Gar."

"You're not talking to him."

"I am to talking to him. The other day I asked him about the biology assignment."

"All you said to Gar in the past few weeks is about homework." Richard sets down the box he's holding. "C'mon Rachel, what's going on? Why are you avoiding Gar? Did something happen that night he stayed with you?"

"Shh." She glares at him. She doesn't want anyone to find out that Gar spent the night at her house. "Give me that box. You're holding up the line. Nothing's going on and nothing happened. I don't know, I guess I just got weirded out by that bug-thing you guys found. I don't know why or how long it was there. It gave me the creeps."

"I understand that but why are you avoiding our friend?"

"I'm not …" she sees that Richard's not believing her. Rachel sighs and decides to tell him the truth. She whispers, "I had a nightmare that night and I opened up to him. I showed him what I was feeling."

"That's good."

"No it's not. I learned a long time ago to keep things bottled up. It's better that way. I don't get hurt if I keep everything to myself."

Richard whispers back, "That may have been true with your father but that's not the case with us. You say you keep things to yourself so you won't get hurt but I think in the end you are getting hurt."

Rachel shakes her head. "I don't want to talk about it, not here." Understanding that she means there are too many people around, Richard simple nods. They work in silence as they continue to move the boxes of food.

* * *

Rachel pecks at her food during their break. Richard notices this and calls her out on it. She says, "I don't feel like eating."

"Rachel, you need to eat."

"I have eaten better. Since I've stayed at Kori's and been hanging out with you guys again, I've been eating more. I think I'm even gaining some weight. My clothes aren't as loose anymore."

Richard's still concerned but he doesn't say any more about it. He doesn't want to upset his friend. He's afraid she'll shut down if he presses too hard. Instead, he decides to keep an eye on her.

Soon after their break, Rachel suddenly feels weird. She wants to call out for Richard but she can't find her voice. He's in the main office getting her some work gloves to protect her hands. Right now, she wishes he were right next to her. He's the only one she really knows here. She only recognizes the other students.

Abruptly, Richard gets a feeling that something's not right. He goes back toward Rachel. He turns the corner and sees Rachel. She looks distressed.

He quickens his pace; he wants to get to her to calm her down. He watches in horror as all the color drains from Rachel's face. Her eyes roll back in her head and she collapses to the floor. She crumples as if her skeleton has disintegrated.

As he races to her, Richard screams out, "RACHEL!" He has to dart around several people. By the time he gets near his friend, a crowd has gathered around her. "Rachel!" he calls out again. He has to push through the crowd. When he gets through, some teachers are making space for Rachel. While others are tending to her, Richard drops to his knees as he slides over to his unconscious friend. He thinks she looks too pale. "Rachel?" He carefully brushes aside her hair. "Rachel? Please wake up."

Gradually, her eyes begin to flutter open. "R-Richard?" She struggles to keep her eyes open.

"I'm right here." He holds her hand and leans over her face so she can see him.

"Richard? Wh-what happened?"

"You passed out but you're going to be okay." He hopes he's not lying.

Rachel glances around and sees a crowd of people staring at her. She closes her eyes and covers her face with her free hand, "Oh God …"

"It's okay," says Richard, "ignore them. Try to relax. Can you tell me what happened?"

"I … I-I don't know."

"Rachel?" asks Mrs. Martinez, Rachel's and Richard's French teacher, "how are you doing? Are you feeling better?"

"I don't know, I think so."

"Well, just lay still. An ambulance is coming and …"

"What?! No, no, I'm okay, see." Rachel tries to get up but she still feels strange.

"No, Rachel, just lay still. We just have to make sure you're all right. Passing out is not normal."

With Richard's help, Rachel lays back down. She tries to explain, "I just over did it. I skipped breakfast because I overslept and I didn't eat much at break. I'm not used to lifting so much. Let me eat something and I'm sure I'll feel better. And I promise I won't lift anything anymore today. Please call off the ambulance."

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but they have to make sure you're all right."

They hear sirens with increasing loudness as the ambulance approaches. Rachel hides her face behind her hands. She repeatedly mutters to herself, "This isn't happening." Richard rubs her shoulder trying to calm her and to be supportive. All the teens sympathize with Rachel. They know they'd be just as embarrassed as she is now.

The crowd parts as two paramedics show up. They check Rachel's vital signs. "Have you ever passed out before?"

Rachel hesitates to answer. "Rachel?" asks Mrs. Martinez, "Have you ever passed out before today?"

A small yes escapes from Rachel's lips.

"Okay," says one of the paramedics, "she's doing better now but we need to take her in. We need to get her checked out."

"What if I promise to see a doctor?"

"Sorry, looks like you get to ride in the ambulance today. We need an adult to go with her." Mrs. Martinez volunteers to go.

As Rachel is being loaded into the ambulance, she begins to panic. "Can Richard come too?"

"Sorry, there's not enough room for another person."

"But, I …"

Richard says, "Don't worry, Rachel. I'll follow you guys. I'll meet you at the hospital. Try not to worry; it'll be okay."

The ride to the hospital is quiet other than the paramedics. At the hospital, she's rushed to an exam room. Richard and Mrs. Martinez wait in the waiting room for a while. When they're allowed to enter Rachel's exam room, a nurse is finishing taking some blood. Their French teacher asks, "How is she doing?" The nurse tells her that she's okay now but they'll know more soon.

Richard asks Rachel, "Nervous?"

She nods, "Yes, very nervous."

A few minutes after the nurse leaves, a doctor comes in. Rachel quickly glances away. She hopes he doesn't recognize her; he's the doctor who helped Rachel the last time she was in a hospital, after the rape. He checks over her chart. "Hi, Rachel, I'm Dr. Owens. So you had a scare today; you fainted?" Rachel nods. "Did you feel strange before you fainted?"

"Um, I think I felt a little hot and dizzy."

"Okay," Dr. Owens continues to examine her. "Have you ever felt like that before?" Rachel's ashamed to admit she has. "When did it happen?"

Rachel avoids eye contact with Richard and her teacher. "The first time was …I think about the …second week of February. Then it's happened a couple other times since then."

"Did you feel the same way, hot and dizzy?"

"Um, the first time, I think I was suddenly cold but sweaty. I was also felt sick to my stomach."

"Was it the same way the other times?" Rachel nods her head. She still doesn't look at her friend and teacher. "Did you ever see a doctor about it?"

"No, I thought it was just because I forgot to eat."

"Did you see any flashes of light or did your eyes hurt?" Rachel shakes her head no. "What about your head, did your head hurt?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, well other than being dehydrated you seem to be doing alright now. I'm going to give you a saline drip. That should get your levels back to normal. You should be okay but we'll have to see what the tests say. Try not to worry too much."

Richard asks, "Doctor, do you know why Rachel would be fainting so much?"

"Like I said, the tests should give us some answers. Maybe it is as she thought. Maybe it is as simple as she wasn't eating enough. The human body has its way of forcing you to notice and take care of it. I'll be back in a moment. Try not to worry. Too much stress can also have this effect."

After Dr. Owens leaves, Mrs. Martinez says she's going to the waiting room to make some phone calls. Alone with Richard, Rachel focuses on the IV in her arm; she knows he's going to question her, maybe even be mad at her. "Rachel? Rachel?" She hears the concern in his voice but still doesn't turn to him. "Rachel, I'm not mad if that's what you're afraid of, I'm just worried. Why didn't you tell anyone about fainting? I was so scared when I saw you collapse like that."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you …again. I'm not a very good friend because I keep scaring you with my problems."

"That's not true," he takes her free hand. "I want to help you, all of us do. I just don't understand why you never told anyone."

"I thought it was like I said, I didn't eat."

"You know, you don't have to go through everything alone."

"Um, the first time I fainted, Malcolm Drake was with me."

"What was he doing with you?"

"Well, he's my neighbor and I'd just fought with Kitten." Richard nods, indicating that he remembers. "He thought I needed time to cool down so he took me to the amusement park. I thought I fainted because of all the excitement of the fast rides and because I kept forgetting to eat. It was about a month after _it_ happened and I was still very upset." She looks away from him a moment before turning back to her friend. "Richard, I'm scared. What if something's wrong with me?"

"I'm scared too but maybe it's like the doctor said, maybe it's because of stress and not eating."

Rachel tries not to look as worried as she feels. "I've seen this doctor before."

"Really, when?"

"I was brought here after I was …attacked. I was unconscious and …maybe that was one of the first times I passed out. What if this has something to do with that? I ran away from the hospital before they could finish checking me out. Maybe something's really wrong with me?"

Richard's trying to calm Rachel down when Trigon hurries into the exam room. Rachel is surprised he's here. "D-dad, what, what are you doing here?"

"Your teacher, Mrs. Martinez, called me. You don't think I'd come when someone calls me and tells me my daughter's been fainting all the time?"

"I'm not fainting _all_ the time. I didn't eat much and we were doing some heavy lifting, that's all."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Richard Grayson, sir."

"You're Bruce Wayne's boy, right?"

Richard nods and Rachel adds, "He's my friend."

Trigon eyes Richard suspiciously; he doesn't trust him being with his daughter. He'd be a good "catch" for her, much better than that boy she was dating. He's rich and popular but Trigon still doesn't trust him.

Rachel didn't feel comfortable having her father here. She doesn't know how but she's sure he'll blame her for this. "Dad, it's okay, I know you're busy. The doctor said I wasn't eating enough and that I was dehydrated. You can go. Really, I'm okay."

"You're my daughter, my responsibility. I should be here. Why do you want me to leave?"

"There's no reason, I just know you're very busy."

When Dr. Owens returns to the exam room, he's surprised to see a large man talking to the two teens. He stands outside the door a moment and watches them. He doesn't know what this man's connection is to them, but he finds it odd that he stands a little possessively in front of the girl. Everyone in the room seems tense. He wonders what's going on.

Dr. Owens remembers Rachel, or Riley as she told him, coming into the hospital a few months ago. He suspects she knew back then what had happened to her. Looking down at the results of Rachel's blood tests, he sighs. He's sure her life just got more complicated.

Dr. Owens enters the exam room. "Hello, I'm Dr. Owens; I'm Rachel's doctor today."

Trigon studies the doctor a moment. "I'm her father, Trigon Roth. What's going on, what's wrong with her?

"She's not sick if that's what you're worried about." Dr. Owens gets a bad vibe from this man. He gets a sense of domination and roughness. From Rachel, he senses an unwanted submission and maybe fear. Thinking back to the night or so before New Year's Eve, Dr. Owens wonders about their relationship. Is it simply an overbearing father looking out for his at risk daughter, or is there something sinister going on?

"Then what's wrong with her? Something must be wrong or else she wouldn't be in the hospital."

"Mr. Roth, I'm going to have to ask you to wait in the hall for a moment."

"But I'm her father."

"Yes, I understand that."

"Don't I have a right to know what's going on with my daughter?"

"Let me talk with Rachel first. Please, wait in the hallway." He turns to Richard, "I'm going to ask you to wait there as well."

Rachel and Richard exchange concerned glances, could something be seriously wrong? Richard doesn't want to leave Rachel but he steps out into the hall. Trigon takes more convincing but he does join Richard.

Trigon notices Richard glaring at him. "What's your problem, kid?"

"She loved you, you know."

Trigon's confused. "What? Who are you talking about?"

"Rachel, your daughter, she loved you."

"Of course she does," not catching Richard's use of the past tense. "I'm her father."

"Do you love her? If you do love her, you have a strange way of showing it."

"What are you talking about?

Richard almost growls at Trigon, "What the hell is wrong with you? You know she defended you. God knows why but she loved you."

"I don't have to stand here listing to you ramble on about nothing. I'm going back in there."

"But the doctor said to wait out here; he'd get us when he was ready."

"I'm not going to let some prick doctor tell me what I can do, especially when it involves my daughter."

Trigon enters the room with Richard close behind. The subject of what's wrong with Rachel has the doctor and patient so focused on that they don't hear them come in.

Richard's alarmed, Rachel has tears in her eyes. A moment later, he knows why. Dr. Owens says softly, "I'm sorry but you _are_ pregnant."

"I-I-I can't be preg…"

Trigon explodes. "What!? Pregnant!? What the hell!?" He's over at Rachel's side in no time. "You little bitch!" Pointing to Richard, Trigon demands, "Is it his?"

Rachel cowers from her father behind Richard. She says no. He yells, "You're worse than your mother. Before I knew Angela, she rebelled by chasing boys. She did things but she never got herself pregnant." Rachel shakes her head. She doesn't believe him.

"I always knew you'd be trouble," snarls Trigon, "You probably don't even know whose brat you're carrying. What are you the school slut, you'll spread your legs for any guy? You're not my daughter, you're a fuckin' whore!"

All this time Dr. Owens tries to calm things down. Rachel is screaming no. Richard is trying to protect her from her father. Rachel can't take it anymore. She can't hold it in. She cries out, "I was raped." The room becomes deathly quiet.

Trigon turns to his daughter and says, "What did you say? Who's the bastard who did this to you?"

Rachel says softly, "You know who it was."

"I don't what you're talking about."

"You were there." Dr. Owens and Richard are shocked. It sounds as if she's suggesting that Trigon hurt his daughter in an unthinkable way.

Trigon comes to the same assumption. "You lying piece of shit. I never touched you."

"No, not in that way," Rachel's visibly shaking, "You only hit me, beat me."

"Watch it," warns Trigon, his voice is low but threatening to his daughter.

With a trembling voice, Rachel repeats, "You know who it was. You paid him to scare me. Well, he did but he went too far.

Trigon tries to figure out what she's saying. "Slade?"

Richard's shocked; if it's true that Slade did it, then Rachel's rapist had trapped her. No wonder she was such a mess after being stuck in the elevator.

Something in Trigon snaps. He grabs her arm and yells, "You fuckin' bitch! You'll pay for that lie! He wouldn't lay a hand on you unless you let him. You're nothing but a lying slut!" He echoes Rachel's nightmare. Trigon goes to hit her but the doctor hits Trigon first.

Watching her father struggle with the security guard and the doctor, Rachel feels the walls closing in on her. There's no air in here. She has to get out. Pushing past them, Rachel races down the hall. Richard calls out for her but she ignores him. She ignores the angry patients, nurses and doctors as she runs, searching for a way out.

Everything is so confusing: the sights, sounds, emotions. Seeing a door to the outside, Rachel bursts through it.

Her lungs burn as she greedily gulps at the fresh air. She's come out to the hospital's garden of hope. Rachel stumbles over to it. She feels as if all her hope is gone. She'd hoped she was getting back to normal but now that's shattered.

Tears blur her vision until the garden looks like an abstract painting. She wraps her arms around herself and drops to her knees. She doubles over as if she's in pain. Physically she feels no pain but that's not the case emotionally. She curls up so tight, so small; it's almost as if she's trying to disappear. Her forehead touches her knees.

Now everyone will know her secrets. She's lived through one nightmare with her father. What Slade did to her was another nightmare but she was getting through that as well. But this, Rachel doesn't know how she can survive this. She silently sobs. She's carrying her rapist's child.

Rachel stiffens feeling a gentle hand on her back. "Richard, I'm sorry but I want to be alone."

"Sorry," says a male voice, "I'm not Richard and I'm not leaving you alone. But you should know your friend Richard is worried about you." Rachel groans; it's Dr. Owens.

After waiting a few minutes he asks, "Ready to go inside?"

Rachel shakes her head no. "You can go in if you want but I'm staying here."

"I'm not leaving you alone. It seems as though you've been left alone too much."

Rachel sighs, knowing he's not going to leave her. She stiffly starts to uncoil from her balled up position.

"Here, let me help you." He gently supports her as he guides her to a bench. They sit in silence for a few minutes.

With a faint voice, Rachel asks, "Did you know?"

"Did I know - what?"

"When I came in here that one day, did you know?"

"Did I know what had happened to you?" Rachel nods as she whips her nose with the tissue he's handed her. "When you first came in, we didn't know but in the process of trying to help you, we saw evidence."

"Evidence? What kind of evidence?" She's almost afraid to ask.

Dr. Owens tries to be as gentle as he can. "There were bruises and cuts that coincided with the type of attack that happened to you. To gather evidence for the police and to confirm our suspicions, a rape kit was done."

Rachel looks up at him. Her face is red with embarrassment and shame. "What! A rape kit? You mean you saw …me? You saw …_everything_?!"

"No," says Dr. Owens, "Don't worry, I didn't do it. I asked a female doctor to do it. She's a friend of mine and she's kind and gentle."

"But you knew. You knew I was …r-raped. I _hate_ that word. I absolutely _HATE_ that word. I wish it didn't exist. I wish I didn't know what that word meant."

Dr. Owens says softly, "I wish you didn't either."

Rachel wipes her eyes. "After you knew I was …what had happened to me, did you know I was pre…? Sorry, I can't say it."

Understanding what she asking, the doctor tries to answer the best he can. "We did a blood test but at that time we didn't know anything about that."

"But you did the test because you thought I would be, pregnant?" Tears well up in Rachel's eyes again.

He knows she's scared and confused so he tries to explain. "No, any female of a certain age, uh, child bearing age, who comes in with unknown aliments, has a pregnancy test. That way we can rule that out. Or, if she is pregnant, we know there are certain drugs for particular things we can't administer. Does that make any sense?"

Rachel nods, "Did my blood test tell you anything?"

"It was too early to tell."

"Then I ran away and you couldn't help me any more. I ran because I was scared and ashamed. Could you've helped me if I stayed?"

"There might've been something we could've done to help you."

"What? What could you've done?" Dr. Owens hesitates. He doesn't to upset her more. "Please tell me. What could you've done?"

"Perhaps we could've given you the morning after pill, a drug to stop a pregnancy."

Rachel loses all color in her face. "So I'm here, now, because I messed up, again. I keep messing up." She drops her head down. '_Why did you have to save me? Why couldn't you just let me die?_'

"I'm sorry," It's as if the doctor's reading Rachel's mind. "I'm sorry. I couldn't do what you're thinking.

"What are you talking about? How do you know what I'm thinking?"

"You're wondering why I didn't let you die that night?" Rachel quickly glances over to him, indicating he's right. "I took an oath to try to save people but other than that, somehow I could tell you were a fighter."

"Do you know how tired I am of fighting? It seems like that's all I do. Everyday is a struggle to survive."

* * *

Tense, Rachel sits in the waiting room. Hearing Rachel's sigh, Richard squeezes her hand for support. They share a sad smile. She's glad he could come. She doesn't even care about the social worker that brought her here. She doesn't want to do this. It's wrong that she's here but it helps a little having one of her best friends with her. She glances around the room. Other women, some are mothers waiting. Rachel quickly looks down at the floor. '_I don't belong here. I shouldn't be here. Please let them be wrong._'

"Rachel Roth?" It's her turn to see the doctor. Rachel looks to Richard, panic filling her eyes.

"It's okay. You can do this." She shakes her head. "I'll be right here. Don't worry I'm not going anywhere. When the exam is over and I can join you, I'll be there. It'll be okay."

"Rachel Roth?"

"You can do this." Slowly Rachel gets up from her seat. Richard gives her hand another squeeze of support. With his heart aching, he watches his friend follow the nurse. He hopes he sounded surer of things than he feels.

Before going into the exam room Rachel makes a silent request, '_Please let them be wrong._'

"Okay, Rachel, go ahead and sit on the exam table." The nurse looks over Rachel's medical notes. "It looks like you're here for a sonogram to see how far along you are." Sensing Rachel's nervousness she adds, "Don't worry, it won't hurt. I'll be right back. I'm going to go get the doctor."

Closing the door, the nurse leaves Rachel alone. She looks around the room. There are posters of the phases of pregnancy on the wall. She refuses to look at those. Letting out a deep sigh, Rachel lays down on the table. She stares up at the lights, hoping that this is all a huge mistake. Trying to calm her nerves, she tries to meditate.

Rachel closes her eyes. She takes a deep slow breath through her nose and slowly blows it out her mouth. As she repeats this, the teen focuses on the soft hum of the lights overhead. There are occasional muffled sounds through the door but for the most part, the small room is quiet. Rachel wouldn't say that it's peaceful. Nothing about this is peaceful or pleasing. What's taking them so long? No, she doesn't want to do this but since she has to, she just wants to get it done.

The door opens causing Rachel to jump slightly. "Sorry to keep you waiting …Rachel. I'm Dr. Emily Lane. So you're here to see how far along you are?" Rachel only nods. "A little nervous?" asks Dr. Lane.

Rachel corrects her, "A lot nervous."

The brunette doctor smiles kindly, "I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry. It's not going to hurt. You're just going to have sonogram and we'll where things stand."

Rachel wonders, "Could my friend, Richard, be here?" When Dr. Lane hesitates Rachel adds, "Please having him here might help me calm down."

"Okay, I'll send for him. You said his name is Richard?"

Rachel nods, "Yes, Richard Grayson. Thank you."

Richard stares down at his hands as he nervously taps his fingers together. He, like most people, hates doctor's offices but being in an obstetrician's office is very hard for him. However, he'd do anything for Rachel. He hopes she'll be all right. He's surprised when a nurse taps him on the shoulder. "Richard Grayson?"

He looks up concerned. "Is Rachel okay? Is she already done?"

"We're just getting started but Rachel wants you to be with her. Come on, follow me." Richard uncomfortably follows the nurse back to the exam room. When he enters the room, he thinks Rachel looks so small and scared. He hates that he's seen her like this before. It reminds him a little of when he found her on the beach and she ended up telling him about the rape.

Dr. Lane explains to the teens what she's going to do. Rachel breathes in sharply when the doctor puts the petroleum jelly-like substance on Rachel's belly. "Sorry," says Dr. Lane, "it's a little cold. Now let's see what we have."

The soft whooshing sound of a rapid heartbeat fills the room. Rachel's face crumples upon hearing that sound. Dr. Lane says, "It looks like you're about thirteen or fourteen weeks along. That would make your due date …the end of September or the beginning of October."

Rachel dissolves into tears. "No, I can't be pregnant."

"Rachel, I'm sorry. Try to calm …"

"No. You don't understand. I'm only sixteen. I can't be pregnant." Wiping her tears away, Rachel shakes her head. "I can't be pregnant. You're wrong, I just can't be …"

"I'm sorry, sweetie. Let's get you cleaned up and go into my office." Before the doctor turns off the machine, Rachel catches a glimpse of the screen. She sees the ghostly outline of a baby. She quickly closes her eyes but that image sears into her mind.

Seated next to Rachel in the doctor's office, Richard says, "She took a home pregnancy test and it was negative. I saw it; it _was_ negative. How could she be pregnant now?"

"Do you know what kind of test it was?" Richard shakes his head. "Rachel?" Rachel distractedly looks up from her hands. "Rachel, do you know what kind of home pregnancy test you used?"

"I don't know. I just grabbed one."

"When did you use it? Maybe you took it too early?"

"I don't know."

Richard tries to figure it out. "Um, Rachel told me soon after valentine's day. A couple weeks after that she was scared she might be pregnant."

"Okay, so that would mean you were about nine weeks along. The test should've been positive. Did you follow the directions?"

"I …think so. I-I don't know. Did I mess up again?"

"Rachel, you didn't mess up. This is not your fault. I'm just trying to figure why the test gave a false negative."

"I don't know. I wasn't feeling right. I knew that bas… er, monster didn't use …" everyone knows what Rachel's saying. "I got scared and went to Richard for help. I just grabbed a test. I thought I did it right but I don't know. I'd never done one before."

"It's okay, I'm just trying to figure out what happened. Most tests have a wait time of four or five minutes. Did you wait long enough?"

"I-I think so."

"There was an interruption about the time when the time was up."

"Did you look at the test awhile after the time was up?"

"Yeah, I think I looked at it a minute or two late. Did those few minutes make a difference?"

"I'm sorry, Rachel, for most tests if you wait too long to see the results, they go to a negative. That must've been what happened. You saw the results after it switched from positive to negative. I'm sorry."

Rachel wipes her eyes. "You don't have to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't mess up like I did."

"Rachel, this isn't your fault. You didn't know. You shouldn't been put in this position in the first place."

Rachel stares at the desk. Dr. Lane is talking but Rachel's not listening. '_Is this a little like how people feel when they're told they have cancer or a life-threatening disease? Maybe not. This isn't life threatening. It's just life altering. But I almost feel like my life's ended again. I was getting to a new normal. Now I have _this …thing_ growing inside me_._ He put this parasite inside me. I don't want it. I can't want it. I want _nothing_ to do with him._'

"Rachel? Rachel? Are you all right?"

Rachel looks up with tears in her eyes. She doesn't even realize she's been crying. "I-I don't want this."

"I know and I'm sorry but it's too late."

"You mean you can't get rid of it?"

"I'm sorry but you're too far along; it's not safe for you."

Richard's worried about Rachel. He doesn't know how much more she can take.

* * *

Rachel sighs, "So, what happens now?"

"Are you wondering about you?" asks Mrs. Fortner, the social worker. Rachel nods. "Well, since you mother's not well enough to care for you and your father was arrested for abusing you; you'll have to go into foster care."

"But I've been taking care of myself lately. Couldn't keep doing that? You could keep checking in on me."

"I'm sorry, Rachel, you can't do that. You're a minor. You'll have to go into foster care."

Before they go to a foster house, they're going to the police station so Rachel can file an official statement. They go to the social worker's car in silence. Rachel has no choice but to comply. She's sixteen, pregnant and has no place to go.

In the car the silence continues. Rachel's naturally reserved, an introvert but the shock of her news renders the girl mute. After awhile, to break the silence, Mrs. Fortner turns on the radio. The song finishes and the DJ breaks in, "There's breaking news: Business tycoon, Trigon Roth was arrested earlier today for the alleged abuse and neglect of his teenage daughter and for resisting arrest. In other news …" The older woman turns off the radio.

Rachel closes her eyes as she's hit with a pang of guilt. She doesn't know why she feels guilty. She didn't _make_ her father hurt her but still she feels responsible. She absent-mindedly traces the scars on her arm. She's inadvertently ruined another life. '_Why did Richard have to find me on the beach that day? Things would probably be better if I wasn't here._'

* * *

**Thanks again. Please stay with me. Aren't you curious? I know I am.**


	30. Chapter 30: Hurt

**Songs About Me**

**Thanks for staying with me. **

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Johnny Cash or any lyrics**

**Chapter 30 Hurt**

* * *

**"**_**I hurt myself today / To see if I still feel / I focus on the pain / The only thing that's real**_**"-Hurt, Johnny Cash**

* * *

Rachel grabs a spare backpack and throws some clothes in it. She looks at her stuff. She doesn't know what she's allowed to take with her. Deciding to take a few of her favorite things, Rachel shoves in her bag a couple of books, a picture of Rachel and Angela, her mom's diary and her mp3 player. She glances at her sketchbook but decides she can draw on anything.

Rachel pauses before shutting her bedroom door. It hits her that she might never come back here. She takes the picture of her and her mom out of the frame. She puts the photograph between the pages of a book. Rachel takes a picture of her and her friends - the night of the dance - and does the same. She wants to take her stuffed bunny but she's too self-conscious about it. Instead, she takes the ribbon from around its neck and ties the ribbon to her backpack. She grabs one more book, and then locks the door. She glances around the house once more before following the social worker to the car.

The social worker's car pulls up to a small unassuming but nice house. This is Rachel's new home for a while. Rachel grabs her bags and nervously follows the social worker into the house. She doesn't know what to expect. She does know she doesn't want to be here.

Rachel stands to the side as Mrs. Fortner and an average-height woman with short curly dark hair go over things. She doesn't want to let on that she's scared so she appears bored or irritated. Rachel doesn't understand why she can't stay with her friends. She's trying to figure out how she can stay with them when Mrs. Fortner interrupts Rachel's thoughts. "Rachel, this is Rhonda Curtis. She and her husband Darrell are going to be your foster parents for a while."

The woman with the curly hair, Rhonda, says, "Hello Rachel."

Rachel barely gives her a smile and a soft "Hi." She turns to her social worker, "How long do I have to stay here?"

"We need to figure things out so I don't know how long it'll be. It could be a few weeks or a couple of months. Don't worry. I'll check on you often. Bye, be a good girl." Rachel rolls her eyes at the last comment.

After Rhonda shows the social worker out, the woman in her forties turns to the teen who's now in her care. "There are a few rules you need to know. There'll be no drinking, no smoking, no drugs and no sex while you are staying in my house." Rachel cringes at the last restriction but Rhonda doesn't notice. "Not only do I not allow any of that under my roof, I don't allow those things, period. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes …ma'am."

The two females stand in silence. They both wonder if this is how it's always going to be. Rhonda realizes that Rachel's been through some things so it might take some time for her to open up. "Well it's late and you must be tired. I'll show you to your room." Rachel grabs her bags and follows her through the small house.

Rachel lies down on the bed. She stares up at the ceiling in the darkened room. She's tired but sleep eludes her. Too many thoughts crowd her mind. What is she going to do? How did this happen? She knows _how_, but _why_ did this happen? Why did this have to happen to her? Hasn't she been through enough? She asked Richard to tell their friends what happened to her. Has he told them yet? Are they as shocked as she is? When will she see her friends? Will she be able to see them? She doesn't know if she's allowed to have any contact with anybody from her past. She doesn't know why she wouldn't be able to but she's never been through anything like this.

A horrible thought enters Rachel's mind. '_What if when Richard told them, they were angry? What if they don't want to see me now? Maybe they'll think I knew about this the whole time and I lied to them again._' She wipes the tears away from her eyes again.

Rachel's hand rests on her stomach. Her hands curl up into fists. She hisses into the dark room, "I don't want this. I don't want _it_!"

* * *

Rachel lays buried under the blanket. Little by little, she's aware of the birds singing outside the window. Slowly, she begins to open her eyes. Why does everything look different? Rachel's eyes fly open. She remembers everything that happened yesterday. It wasn't a horrible nightmare; it's true, she's pregnant.

Rachel lies in bed for as long as her body will let her. Getting out of bed, she realizes she should've gotten up earlier; she doesn't remember where the bathroom is. After finding it, she returns to "her" room. The clock says it's almost eleven-thirty. Rachel didn't realize she'd slept so long.

Rachel timidly enters the kitchen where Rhonda and a man are making lunch. The man is a bit taller than Rhonda is. He's balding and has a beer belly. He looks as if he's around Rhonda's age. Rachel guesses the man is Mr. Curtis. "Hi, I'm Darrell, Rhonda's husband. How'd you sleep?"

Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "Okay I guess. I didn't mean to sleep this long."

"Rhonda says you got some surprising news yesterday. That must've been a big shock to you."

Rachel glares at Rhonda a second. "Yeah, it was." Not that it's unexpected Rhonda would tell her husband things but Rachel hopes this woman doesn't go around telling everyone her business.

"Oh, Mrs. Fortner, your social worker, was here this morning. You were still asleep and she said not to wake you; she'd see you tomorrow." Rhonda nods her head over her shoulder, indicating the things on the kitchen counter. "She brought over your prenatal vitamins." Seeing Rachel make a face, Rhonda continues, "Like it or not, you're pregnant and you need to take care of that child you're carrying."

Rachel glares at Rhonda. "I'm going to my …the room I'm staying in."

"Sit down young lady. You're not going anywhere until you've had something to eat. You're too skinny and that can't be healthy for your baby. Your father may have let you run wild but that not how it'll be around here."

As Rachel sits back down, she glares at the older woman for the third time within minutes. Aggravated, Rachel pecks at her sandwich. She doesn't speak as the couple discuss that they missed church this morning and they'd have to find another time to go. Rachel knows she's the reason that they missed church but right now, she doesn't care.

"I'm done. May I go now?"

"Take you vitamins first. You're old enough to take care of yourself. I shouldn't have to follow you around telling you what to do."

Rachel takes the pills then asks, "Could I see my friends today?"

Darrell shakes his head. "Today's Sunday, you can see them tomorrow."

Rachel doesn't understand why she can't see her friends on a Sunday. She figures it's better not to ask. "May I go _now_?"

Rhonda nods yes. As Rachel leaves the kitchen, she hears Darrell say to his wife, "You're right, she seems like she'll be tough. We've never had one quite like her but maybe that'll make it easier."

Rachel lies on the bed and wonders what he meant by that, what will make what easier. They've never had a pregnant girl stay with them. Or is it, they've never had a girl who was raped by her father's business partner; her father all but paid for it to happen and is now she's pregnant. Rachel squeezes her eyes shut and softly growls, "I never wanted any of this."

* * *

It's Tuesday afternoon when Rhonda finally lets Rachel go see her friends. Rachel calls Richard and asks if he can call the others. They're going to meet at Chambers Park.

Rachel's on edge as she walks to the park. She doesn't know what to expect. A small part of her is afraid that they'll reject her. They've given her no reason to think that, they've supported her through everything. Still, a part of her brain goes directly to the negative side of things. Rachel wonders if that's her father's side of her.

Somehow, even though she walked slowly, Rachel's the first to arrive at the park. She walks over to the picnic tables and sits down. She wonders where they are. After a few minutes, she checks her watch; they're late. '_Maybe they're not coming. Richard's been great. He's been supportive but maybe one of the others is disgusted with my constant string of problems. Maybe they're trying to decide if they should keep me as a friend_.'

As these thoughts go through Rachel's head she watches a woman and toddler stroll through the park. Tears well up in the sad teen's eyes. "Guess that'll be me next year." She wipes her eyes then folds her arms across the picnic table. She rests her chin on her arms. "When did everything get so screwed up?"

"Rachel?"

Rachel turns around and sees all four of her closest friends standing there. They look concerned.

"You came."

"Sorry we're late." Vic explains, "We were all at my house when you called Richard. We were wondering how and when we'd get to see you. We were slowed down by an accident on Westfall Drive and it took us awhile to get around that."

"I thought you weren't coming. I was afraid you were mad at me. I swear, I didn't know this was happening."

"We know that. We are not mad at you. We could not be. We are mad at that evil _'drittsekk*'_who did this to you."

"So Richard told you what happened?"

Vic and Gar both nod; they seem the most awkward about Rachel's new situation. "Yeah, we're sorry Rae," says Vic.

Kori wraps her arms around Rachel and gives her a gentle version of her trademark hugs. "I am so very sorry, Rachel."

Even though Kori's hug is a lighter version, it is still too much for the troubled teen. As she gasps for air, Rachel wonders were her friend gets such strength. "Uh, Kori, please …"

Releasing her friend, Kori apologizes again for a different reason. "I am sorry. I do not wish to harm you when you are in, um, this condition."

"Don't worry about it, Kor. It looks like I'm stuck with _it_."

The five friends stand there looking at one another. All of them are aware of the awkwardness. Gar's the first one to break the silence. "Sooo, how're you feeling? Have you been having, you know, morning sickness or something?"

"I guess I'm feeling normal, I don't know. I think I'm passed the morning sickness. I don't really know what happens next. Do any of you know?"

They all realize that they're all only children except Kori. She's the baby of the family. None of them has been around an expectant mother for an extended time. No one knows what Rachel should expect.

Gar says the only thing he knows about pregnancies, "I know elephants are pregnant for over twenty months."

Vic shoves Gar slightly. "Man, that's not helping."

"Dude. That's what I know about having babies. I don't know anything."

Vic mutters, "You got that right."

"Du-ude."

Ignoring them, Rachel continues, "I kind of feel like I'm in that movie, Alien. I have this _thing_ growing inside me. I've actually had nightmares that times speeds up and I'm full term in just a few weeks. That's when it's tears through my stomach, destroying me. I can't tell guys how terrified I am."

Vic asks what they're all wondering. "Could you, um, get rid of it? You know, have an, um, abortion?"

Rachel nervously wraps her arms around herself. "I'm still not sure how I feel about that. You'd think by now I should know, but even if I wanted to, it's too late. If I were going to have an abortion, wow that sounds so weird, anyway, the doctor said I would've had to do it around the time I took the pregnancy test. But because I messed up somehow, that's not even an option now."

Kori's eyes grow large and her hands fly up to her mouth. "Ohmigosh! I was angry and I interrupted you. _I _made you mess up. If I had not burst into Richard's home as I did, then you probably would have known. If I had not been such a _'bortskjemt drittunge**'_, you would not be having this problem." Kori steps forward with her hands clasped together. Tears spill from her large green eyes. "I am very sorry. I have been a terrible friend. I do not deserve friendship of any kind for being so horrible to you. Do you think you will ever forgive me?" The taller teen drops to her knees and bows her head.

Rachel looks down at the girl kneeling before her, then around at her friends. They are just as astonished as she is. "Kori, please, stand up."

Kori does stand up. She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. "I am sorry. Can you forgive me?"

"There's no reason for you to be sorry." Everyone sits down at the picnic table. "When you showed you at Richard's, I should've explained things. _I_ should've said something. _I'm _sorry. I could've saved myself from most of these problems if I would've said something sooner. I know I should've said something, told _someone _but I couldn't. I was so scared and too ashamed."

"It wasn't your fault. _This_ isn't you're fault." Richard doesn't know how to make Rachel stop blaming herself.

"I know that. Sorry, I'm just tired of everything."

"So what're you gonna do?"

"I have no idea. I wish I could stay with on of you guys buy I guess that's against the rules."

"Do not worry. We will figure something out."

Rachel gives her friends a sad smile. "I wish I was as confident as you sound."

* * *

Spring break is over and Rachel's glad to go back to school. She's ready to get out of the house. Darrell and Rhonda don't let her get out too much. Sometimes, Rachel can't help but feel as if she's a prisoner, even though they are nice enough. She's mainly ready to see her friends again, on a daily basis.

She's so excited about seeing her friends again that Rachel gets up early. She takes extra care to find something to wear. She's starting to show and she'd rather not draw attention to herself. She doesn't know what people know about her situation. Of course, her close friends know but Rachel hopes the other students don't watch or pay attention to the news.

When Rachel steps into the living room, Rhonda stands up. "Ready for school?" asks the older woman.

"Yes, I'll be glad to get back to a normal routine."

"Good. Some structure might help you. Come on, I'll drive you to school."

"That's okay; I can walk or take the bus."

"I'll drive you. There's paperwork I need to fill out. You know, change of address, things like that."

Rachel nods and they go to the car. Once at the high school the two females go their own way. Rachel goes to see her friends and Rhonda goes to the office.

Just as she meets up with her friends, Rachel's paged to the office. "What's that about?" asks Gar.

Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know. I'll let you know later." They page for her to the office again as she's walking there. She mutters under her breath, "Damn, give me a chance to get there. It's not as if I can transport myself there in two seconds."

* * *

The car ride home is quiet. While waiting for a light to change to green, Rhonda says, "I'm sorry about what I said about your father the other day. I know he neglected you. And I'm sorry about school."

Rachel's fuming in the passenger seat. "Why would they do this to me? It's as if they're punishing me for something I didn't do."

"Well, they're probably right about you being a distraction. Once people learn your story, they'll be talking about you."

"Nobody's bothered to notice me before so why start now?"

"You've gone through some horrible things. Unfortunately, people tend to focus on and sensationalize the more lurid details. I think they probably want to protect the innocence of their students."

"What about me? What about _my_ innocence? Don't _I _matter? Why am I just something they think they can throw away?"

"They're not throwing you way."

"That's what it feels like."

"They're trying to protect you as well. Do you want the others to stare and point at you as you walk to class? Do you want them to talk about you? Do you want them spreading rumors about you because they don't know the whole truth? Do you want insensitive kids to ask you about it all the time so they can try to find out what happened?"

"No. I just wish they'd understand. I wish they'd helped me earlier in the year."

"I'm sorry you're so upset but maybe it's for the best. You'll have a chance to settle down and get adjusted to your new situation. You will do the same studies as you would in school. I'll bring home your assignments every day."

Rachel sighs as she stares out the window. She wonders what she did to deserve all of this.

* * *

A week later, Rachel sits at a table outside a café. She's trying to enjoy the warm sun shining down on her but it's not helping her mood. She just sits there staring at the steam if her herbal tea. She's thankful for a chance to get out of the house and have some time for herself. Since she's being "home schooled" she doesn't get much time out of the house. If she does, it's usually to go to doctor's appointments and to therapy.

Today, she's skipping out on her therapy session. Rachel still has another hour before she needs to be "home". She's trying to find answers in the steam but can't find any.

A familiar voice interrupts her thoughts, "Rachel?" She looks up to see Jason. "I haven't seen you for awhile. I usually see you in the halls at school but I haven't seen you lately." Seeing his ex-girlfriend's eyes well up with tears, he's instantly concerned. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Rachel shakes her head and stands up. "It's nothing, I should go." She doesn't want to unload her problems on him. In fact, she doesn't want him to know. However, her long sleeved t-shirt does little to hide her slightly expanded stomach. She's not large at all but her small, thin frame makes it clear. It's almost as if, once her secrets surfaced and she found out she's pregnant, her body has been growing. Rachel wishes she'd worn a jacket to hide behind.

Jason rubs her arm trying to comfort her. He glances down at her stomach. Rachel's always been thin and there was a time when he thought she was too thin. Now he sees that only her stomach has grown some. "Whoa! Are you …"

"Pregnant?" finishes Rachel. She nods and sits back down and Jason sits across from her.

"How did it happen? I mean, I know how but …"

Rachel puts her hand up to stop him. "It's okay, I know what you mean." She lets out a deep sigh. "I guess I should tell you. Soon everyone's going to know. I won't be able to hide _this_ much longer." With disgust, Rachel points to her gradually growing baby bump.

Her reaction confuses Jason slightly. He understands it must be very hard to be a pregnant teen. Maybe she's just in a bad mood.

Rachel sighs again. "Well, _this_ is why I'm not at school. Apparently, I'm too distracting now that I know that I have this _thing_ growing inside me."

"That doesn't make any sense. So, you're pregnant, what does that have to do with anything?"

"A lot. Have you ever seen a girl pregnant at school?" Jason thinks about it for a moment and shakes his head. "That's because they're either shipped off to an alternative school or are home schooled. The school administrators must have this idea that pregnancy is contagious, like the flu. If no one sees a pregnant girl, then no one will get the idea to do the same thing. Whatever, you'd think they'd want to help me instead of shunning me."

"I'm sorry. So, what are you doing now?"

Rachel rolls her eyes. "I'm being home schooled. Ugh, you know idea how sick I am of being in that house all the time."

"That must suck." Jason decides that must explain Rachel's mood. They sit in silence for a moment before he gets the nerve to ask what he's been wondering. "Who's the father? He's supporting you, isn't he?"

"That's kind of a problem. I don't want anything to do with the bastard, I never did."

Jason raises an eyebrow, '_What does she mean by that?_'

Rachel looks down at her now cold cup of tea, gathering the courage to tell him. "I, um, I was, raped." It's still not easy for her to say that, even though she's had to tell her story, in detail, to the police recently.

"Oh my God! Rachel I am so sorry. I shouldn't have asked you about the father. I was stupid. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, you didn't know. Nobody did for a long time."

"Who's the bastard who hurt you? I'll kick his ass for you."

Rachel shakes her head and smiles slightly. "Thanks for the offer but he's in jail. I hope he rots there."

"So the police have him?" Rachel nods. "That's good. When did it, um happen?"

Rachel tells him, with out going into too much detail, about the attack. She also tells Jason about Trigon being arrested for abusing and neglecting her.

Jason tenderly holds Rachel's hands. "I am so sorry you had to go through all of that alone. I'm sorry we were right about your dad. I wish we weren't. So what's gonna happen to him?"

"I don't know and I don't care. I haven't had anything to do with him since I found out about _this_ a couple weeks ago."

"Wait, you didn't know you were pregnant. How could you not know you were pregnant?"

"I don't know. I've never been pregnant before."

"Aren't there symptoms, like morning sickness and stuff?"

"I felt strange sometimes but I thought it was stress. Being violated like that is very stressful. There was one time when the horrible thought entered my mind. I even took a home pregnancy test but it said negative. I figured everything was just stress. I had no idea, for the past few months I had this _thing_ growing inside me."

"You said the test was negative. How could you be pregnant now?"

Rachel explains to him what her doctor explained to her and Richard. "I just didn't know."

"But didn't you notice any changes in your body?"

"It wasn't like when we were almost together those times. I didn't want to show myself off; I hid. After the attack, I hated my body; I still do. I refused to look at it.

"I slept all the time and cried at just about everything but the doctor says those can be early signs of pregnancy. I didn't know any better. I thought everything I felt was because of stress. I didn't know. Maybe I didn't want to know."

"So, how are you doing?"

"Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. Everything's so overwhelming that sometimes it's as if I forget. It's all so surreal. I don't feel as if I'm living my life." Rachel checks her watch, "I should go. It was good seeing you again. Sorry I brought you down with my bad news."

"Don't worry about me. I'm worried about you. Can I call you sometime? You know, just to talk, to see how you're doing."

"The people I'm staying with are a little weird about my friends, maybe I should call you."

"You _will_ call me. I want to help you any way that I can."

"I will call you. I'm glad we can be friends. I didn't like breaking up with you. I know you're seeing someone. I'm not saying that to try to get you back. I'm just letting you know I did it because I couldn't let you find out my secret about what my dad did to me."

Jason hugs her. "I understand; I just wish you would've trusted me to help you."

"I was scared." Rachel hugs Jason tightly. She whispers, "I still am."

* * *

Rachel climbs on the full bus. She goes down the aisle looking for a seat and finds one towards the back of the bus.

An old woman is sitting next to Rachel. She disapprovingly looks Rachel over. The woman mutters under her breath, "That's what's wrong with the world today, babies having babies."

Rachel tries to ignore the old woman but she continues. "There was a time when girls were modest. You know, girls didn't do things like that. You waited for your wedding night. Before that, you didn't do much more than hold hands. None of this hanky-panky stuff."

Rachel uncomfortably glances around the bus. Everyone around them on the crowded bus can hear the old woman. Rachel wishes someone would say something and make this woman stop but everyone is avoiding looking their direction.

"Nowadays, girls just don't care about themselves, they have no self-respect. I suppose you girls are just living in the moment. But there are consequences. There's a chance of getting pregnant every time."

The woman looks over at Rachel again. "It'd help if you girls wore clothes that covered things. Your clothes are so low cut and short that things are practically falling out."

Rachel's face is bright red by now. The girl the woman is describing is nothing like Rachel. Since no one is going to say anything than it's up to Rachel. "Ma'am, I'm sorry you feel that way but …"

The old woman interrupts Rachel, "I suppose the father standing by you?"

Rachel's angry. How dare this woman pin everything wrong with society on her. She knows nothing about Rachel and what she's gone through.

The woman takes Rachel's silence as a no. "So he left you when he found out about your situation. That's why you should be married first. Sure, he can still be a pig and leave you but you still get to have some self-respect."

Rachel can't take it anymore. She explodes, "Shut up! You don't know anything about me. Will you please just shut up!"

Rachel's outburst surprises everyone on the bus, including her. Angry tears well up in Rachel's eyes. The bus pulls up to the next bus stop. It's not Rachel's stop but she has to get off this bus. She'll just walk the rest of the way. As she goes by the bus driver, Rachel mutters that she's sorry.

Once she steps out on the sidewalk, Rachel gulps in the cool early evening air. She wipes away her angry tears before she starts walking. It's probably for the best. She needs to calm down. Maybe she should've walked "home" and not ridden the bus. She's still upset telling Jason her news. Of course, he was supportive, a lot more than his mother was. Rachel wonders if Debbie will feel guilty when she finds out what Rachel's going through.

Rachel stops at the walk leading up to the house. She doesn't like it here. The Curtis's seem nice enough, most of the time. Rachel guesses they didn't have to take her in; open their house to a strange troubled girl. Still, Rachel doesn't like them. Maybe it's more that she doesn't connect with them. They are super religious and well, thanks to Trigon, Rachel hasn't had any real religion in her life. The closest she's had was Azaria's spirituality. Rachel realizes that there's nothing wrong with being religious. She admits, she's a little curious but she doesn't want it forced on her. Before entering the house, Rachel wonders if this was a little like how it was for her mother and her parents.

"Rachel, is that you?" calls a female voice from the kitchen.

"Yes," calls back the tired teen.

"Come in here." Rachel sighs before turning to the kitchen. The husband and wife are preparing dinner. "You're late. Where were you?"

"I got off at the wrong bus stop. I had to walk most of the way."

"That's stupid," says Darrell, "who misses their bus stop? You know the way home, you shouldn't have any problem."

Rhonda is suspicious of Rachel. "You didn't go somewhere you weren't supposed to, did you?"

"No, I just had a small problem with someone on the bus so I got off at the wrong stop."

"What did you do?"

"A woman was mad at me. I didn't do anything."

"Humph," mutters Rhonda. Rachel hates that they don't give her the benefit of the doubt. They never really have.

Rachel watches Darrell lock up the knives. She rolls her eyes; she can't believe they do that. She knows she's the reason they do it.

Rachel remembers the first time she saw Rhonda do that …

_ Rhonda washed and dried the knives she just used. I was sitting at the kitchen table doing my schoolwork. I absent-mindedly watched the older woman put them back in the knife block. I was bored with the algebra problems in front of me, but what Rhonda was doing was just as boring. I was about to go back to studying when Rhonda did something strange. She put the knife block in a cupboard. I realized I've never seen it on the counter before; I never really thought about it. Curious, I watched Rhonda lock the cupboard door with a padlock and put the key in her pocket._

_ I knew it wasn't any of my business but I was curious. "Why did you do that?"_

_ Rhonda spun around. I don't think she knew I was watching her. "We have to lock up the knives. We always have. It's because we foster kids. We don't want anyone to get hurt. It's for our safety as well as yours." I must have looked confused because Rhonda continued, "You're a cutter aren't you?"_

_ I didn't like how Rhonda said the word "cutter". She said it as if I had a disease. "I didn't do it that much and I never used a knife. I wouldn't use one."_

_ "Either way, I believe it's a sin to harm yourself like that." Rhonda continued making dinner. _

_ Apparently, our discussion was over. I sighed and gathered my books. As I was leaving the kitchen, Rhonda started the conversation again. "Like I said we also have to protect ourselves." I stopped in the doorway. "We don't want to have to worry that you would threaten us. We don't think you would but we can't take that chance."_

_ Confused, I looked up at woman who's taken me in. "I don't know what you're talking about. I wouldn't …"_

_ "You threatened your father with a knife, didn't you?"_

_ "I was defending myself. My father was going to beat me."_

_ "Did you stop him? Did he beat you?"_

_ Clutching my books tight to my chest, I looked down at the floor. I felt the anxiety of that night rushing back to me. "No, I didn't stop him. It was the worst beating I'd ever had. He nearly broke my nose and he bruised my ribs. He, he was choking me. He probably could've killed me that night." I hated sharing what happened but I needed to make her understand. I shuttered; in my mind, I heard the sound of my father's hand striking me._

_ "Do you think he would've hurt you so much if you hadn't threatened him with the knife? Have you ever thought that there are consequences for your action? You have a responsibility to not make a bad situation worse."_

"Rachel?" Darrell's voice interrupts her thoughts. "Have you finished your history paper?" Rachel shakes her head not only as a reply but also to clear her head. "Quit your daydreaming. Go work on that while we finish dinner."

Rachel glances at the middle-aged couple before leaving the kitchen. She wonders why they'd take her in if they didn't want her. She knows they are paid for being foster parents but it couldn't be that much.

* * *

Rachel's missing a page of her assignment. She's looked all over her room but there's no sign of it. She remembers seeing some papers on the desk in the living room. Maybe that's where it is. Flipping through the papers that mean nothing to her, she finds nothing. She sighs. What is she going to do? She would ask Rhonda or Darrell but they're not home. Rachel taps her fingers on the desk while she thinks. Maybe her paper was mixed up with their papers somehow and it's in the desk. Rachel feels strange going through their desk but she needs that paper.

She opens the last drawer. Nothing's been familiar so far. She hopes this drawer has what she's looking for. Her fingers quickly dig through the papers; she doesn't want one of them catching her going through their things.

Rachel smiles, she find what she's looking for. She pulls her paper out and catches sight of her name on the next paper. Curious, she pulls it out and reads it. Her smile fades; she upset by what she reads. Taking that and her paper with her, Rachel goes back to her room. There she doesn't work on her homework. She just stares at the new paper she found.

Hearing a car door, Rachel looks out the window; it's Rhonda. Rachel runs her hands through her hair. She doesn't want to confront the older woman but she needs to know what's going on. Taking the paper she found with her, Rachel goes out to meet Rhonda.

Rhonda is surprised to see Rachel. "I didn't know you'd be here. Didn't you have a doctor's appointment this afternoon? You didn't skip it did you? You know we still have to pay even if you don't show up."

"They called and canceled; something about the sprinklers going off. The receptionist said they have a lot to clean up."

"Oh, that's too bad. Did you take this opportunity to do your schoolwork? You know you really need to pull some of your grades up."

"I was working on some things but I was missing a page. I think you forgot to give me it."

"Really? Sorry, let me look for it."

"That's okay. I found it. Along with this." Rachel holds up the document with her name on it. "What's this about?"

Rhonda's face pales slightly when she sees what Rachel's holding. "Let me explain."

"How can you explain this? You've made up a document saying you get the baby? You want to raise this baby?"

"No, of course not. We're too old to raise a newborn."

"Then what do you want with it?"

"There are couples out there who want a baby to complete their family."

"You mean you're going to sell it? It's a baby not used car."

"What does it matter to you? You keep saying you don't want it so what difference does it make?"

"No, I don't want it but it's not yours. It, it's mine," Rachel instinctively puts a protective hand on her growing abdomen, "so it's not _your_ decision to make."

Rhonda sighs, "Would you grow up? You have responsibilities. You have to think about that child you're carrying. Stop being so selfish. You're not a child anymore. That changed the moment you started carrying that child."

"I didn't just have sex and get pregnant. I was _raped_. He held me down and he forced himself on me."

"I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said it like that. Things aren't settled. I, we just wanted to give you an option. Like I said, you've said you don't want it. Have you changed your mind?"

Rachel sits down on the sofa. "I don't know what I want. I wish this had never happened."

Rhonda softens some. The teen sitting there sounds so lost. "I know, I wish it didn't either but it did. Now you have a decision to make."

"I don't know what to do," whines Rachel.

"If you'd learned about the baby early enough, would you have had an abortion?"

"I don't know, maybe." Rachel clutches her head in her hands. "I hate having part of that monster growing inside me."

"If it was meant to be that you're pregnant, then you found out at the right time."

Shocked by what it sounds like Rhonda's suggesting, Rachel looks up confused, "What do you mean? Do you think this was supposed to happen to me?"

Rhonda sits next to Rachel. She takes her hands in hers. "No, of course not, no one deserves what you're going through. I just meant that to make the best of this horrible situation, you should put the baby up for adoption. Everyone wins: you don't have the baby anymore, a couple gets the family they want and Darrell and I get some money. Of course, we would donate some of the money, we wouldn't keep it all."

Rachel thinks about what Rhonda just said. Would doing that make up for the times she's messed up? It's true; she doesn't want anything to do with the baby growing inside her. Rachel's afraid of what would happen if she keeps it. It's not just the fear of raising a child on her own but she's afraid she'll resent and maybe even hate the child. She's afraid she'll be like her father and she doesn't want that.

Rhonda speaks softly, "I think this is probably your best option but we'll do what you want to do."

"I want a chance to be normal. All I want to worry about is getting my license, having too much homework and hoping a guy I like will notice me. I'm sixteen. I shouldn't have to worry about my father beating me, or the monster who raped me cornering me again. I shouldn't be carrying _his_ child. This isn't right.

"I'm sixteen, I shouldn't be pregnant. But if I'm supposed to be pregnant, then I should be carrying the baby of a guy I love. A baby should be conceived in love not in violence. That bastard took a sick, sadistic pleasure as he tore my soul to shreds." Rachel breaks down crying.

Hoping to help the tormented girl beside her, Rhonda says, "That's why I pray for you.

Rachel stops crying. Irritated and confused, she looks up at Rhonda. "You pray for me?"

"Yes, I pray that you'll get the help you need."

Rachel's face hardens with anger. "Do you really think I deserve that, your prayers?"

"Of course I do. God loves you."

Angry tears spill from Rachel's eyes. "What if I'm not worth it?"

"Rachel?" Rhonda's surprised by the change in Rachel's disposition. "What brought this on?"

"Maybe because I really do deserve all this shit I'm going through. Maybe all this happened because I'm a horrible person."

"You're not a horrible person."

"Really? Did you know my mother tried to commit suicide to get away from me?" Rachel unsuccessfully tries to wipe away her tears. "There must be something wrong with me for my parents to hate me."

"Your parents don't hate you. I'm sure your mother was going through things that you weren't aware of. It sounds like she was a lost and troubled soul. Unfortunately, she sought out a permanent solution for a temporary situation. She shouldn't have done that. And I'm sure she wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

Rachel shakes her head. "I do, I can't help it. I feel like, never mind, it doesn't matter."

Rhonda's concerned, she's only had Rachel in her house a few weeks but she's never heard her speak like this. "Rachel, how do you feel?

Rachel takes a moment before speaking. She says softly, "I feel like, I think things would've been better for my parents if I'd never been born."

"Rachel, that's not true. Your parents don't hate you."

"Maybe not at first. I think my mother was excited when I was a newborn but something change. I think it's because I grew up and I'm not what they wanted. They didn't want who I was becoming."

"That's not true," repeats Rhonda. She's trying to make Rachel see that none of this is her fault. "I'm sure your parents love you. It's just sometimes hard for some people to show it."

"No they don't. My father doesn't. Why do I deserve God's love when my own father doesn't love me? He told me every time he beat me that he didn't want me, that I was a waste of space. He told me that he only hit me because I did something wrong. I was never good enough. I couldn't win; no matter what I did, it was never enough. That's why all of this happened. It's because I'm not good enough. That's why you shouldn't pray for me. You're wasting your time." Rachel starts slamming her fists against her legs. She hits herself with each of the next sentences, "I'm no good. I'm horrible. I'm worthless. I …"

Rhonda has to wrap her arms around Rachel to stop her from hitting herself anymore. This is the first time she's held Rachel like this. Crying herself, she holds Rachel in an embrace as the girl cries. Rhonda can feel Rachel's sadness. They stay like this while Rachel cries. It takes awhile before Rachel starts to calm down.

Rhonda wipes her own eyes. "I'm sorry I've been kind of hard on you. I wasn't trying to be mean. I was trying to help you. You're pretty upset. Why don't you take some time to calm down some? I have to go pick up Darrell. When we get back, if you want, we can talk about things. It's okay if you don't want to. We can talk later." She gets up and stops. She puts her hand on Rachel's shoulder. "You going to be okay, here, alone?"

Rachel nods as she sniffles. She's trying to calm down.

"Okay. We'll be home in fifteen or twenty minutes."

* * *

Pacing in her room, Rachel is restless. She keeps clenching and flexing her fingers. She's almost aching to cut herself. She's never felt like this. Before, she's felt as if she needed to punish herself. This time, she feels helpless and hopeless. She can't let him get close to her again. She can't go through that again. She feels like a moment of that kind of pain will make the rest of her pain go away.

Rachel looks down at her expanded stomach. It would also solve that problem. But what can she use? They took away everything sharp. What can she use?

She looks around her room. There's nothing. She checks the rest of the house, still nothing. She even tries to break into the cabinet that holds the knives but can't get in it. Suddenly she remembers there's a safety pin holding together the strap of her backpack.

Rachel gasps as she glides the point of the safety pin over her arm. She watches the line of red form on her skin. It stings but it's not enough, she needs more.

* * *

In the car, she told Darrell a little about her argument with Rachel. She didn't tell him anything specific mainly that she's worried about the troubled teen. When Rhonda and Darrell come home, Rhonda feels like something's wrong. Rhonda calls for Rachel but gets no answer.

She checks Rachel's room but there's no sigh of her. Something definitely doesn't feel right. The couple checks the rest of the house but can't find Rachel. Where did she go? Should they call her friends?

Darrell notices that there's a message on the answering machine. They hope Rachel's called. They listen to it, "Hello Mr. or Mrs. Curtis. This is Tim Cavanaugh, the state's attorney . You called my office wanted to know if there was any news about one of Rachel Roth's cases. I do have some news but I don't want to leave it in a message. I'll be in the office until late tonight so call me at your earliest convenience. Like I said, I'm going to do everything I can to get a conviction."

What's going on? What kind of news was he talking about? Seeing the computers still on, they check it. They have an idea what's Mr. Cavanaugh's news. There's a news article saying that Slade Wilson was finally released on bail. Further down the article, it says there may not be sufficient evidence to prosecute him.

The Curtis's look at each other; they're shocked. Rachel must've heard the message then looked it up. Rhonda can't help but be filled with dread. She needs to find Rachel. Where else do they look? They've already checked the house and there's no sign of her.

Darrell decides to check their bedroom. He doesn't find Rachel but he comes out with a note. It simply says, sorry. Rhonda doesn't know if Rachel's apologizing about their argument or for something more sinister.

If Rachel knows her rapist might go free, would she do something drastic?

* * *

*** Drittsekk = bastard, dirt bag (Norwegian)**

**** bortskjemt drittunge = spoiled brat (Norwegian)**

**Thanks again. Please stay with me. Aren't you curious? I know I am.**


	31. Chapter 31: Forgive Me

**Songs About Me **

**Thanks for sticking with me. I meant to have this done about a month ago. I was almost done with this chapter when it completely changed. Sorry. 6_6' **

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 31: Forgive Me**

* * *

"_I heard the words come out / I felt that I would die / It hurt so much to hurt you_" -Forgive Me, Evanescence

* * *

A terrified teen follows the paramedics into the hospital. The teen on the gurney looks so pale, too pale.

"Wait," says a nurse, stopping the scared teen from following the gurney into the trauma room. "You can't go in there."

"But I …"

"Sorry, you can't go in there. The doctors need space to work. Besides you should get yourself checked out."

"I'm fine. It's nothing."

"You need to get that checked on. We need to call his family. Do you know who he is?"

"Gar, um, Garfield Logan. His phone number is, um, oh God, I can't remember. His parents need to know; they need to be here. I have it on my phone."

"Here, let me barrow that for a moment. You go get your arm bandaged up. Try not to worry, he's in good hands." This nurse calls over another nurse. "Tracy, could you bandage this girl?"

"Sure. What's your name sweetie?"

"Rachel Roth. Is he gonna be okay?"

"I haven't seen his charts but the doctors and nurses are all working hard to help him. Sit down here so I can clean and bandage your arm. Did this happen with the accident?" The nurse notices scars on Rachel's arm and suspects it's not. Rachel sheepishly mutters no.

Before Rachel can say anything else, the first nurse comes back to return her phone. "I got a hold of his parents. They're on their way."

"How is he?"

* * *

Rachel's hands are shaking as she makes a call, she afraid. Hearing a woman's voice answer the phone, Rachel takes a deep breath. "Rhonda?"

"Rachel? Where are you? Are you okay?"

Rachel couldn't miss the panic in her foster parent's voice. She didn't want to add to the woman's stress but she needed her. "I'm okay but I'm at Memorial Hospital."

"Rachel," Rhonda hears the tears that threaten to fall in the teen's voice, "what's wrong?"

"I-I need you. Please come."

"Stay put, I'll be there in a few minutes."

After getting off the phone with Rhonda, Rachel scrolled through her contacts on her phone. She dreads making the next calls but she thinks they need to know about Gar.

Rachel takes a deep breath, gathering courage before calling Richard.

"Hello," answers Richard, "Rachel what's going on?"

Rachel struggles to keep the fear out of her voice. "Um, Richard, I, um …I-I don't know how to say this."

"Rachel? Are you okay? Do you need to talk?"

Rachel shakes her head even though she knows he can't see her. "No, um, Gar's been in an accident."

"What! Is he alright?" Rachel hears the next few sentences muffled. She can't quite make out what he's saying. It's as if he's talking to someone in the room. "Rachel?"

"Yes."

"How's Gar?"

"He's, uh, we're at Memorial Hospital. I-I don't know how bad he is but he's pretty banged up."

"Okay, we'll be there."

"We?"

"Kori's here with me. Try to stay calm. We'll be there."

Rachel's relieved she has one less call to make since Kori was with Richard. Although, she hates that she ruined their time together. Now she has to make the call she's seriously not look forward to making.

"Hey Rae," answers Vic cheerfully, "what's up?"

"Um Vic, I, uh …"

"Have you heard from Gar?"

"Vic …"

"I've been trying to reach him but I can't get a hold of him."

"Vic …"

"His phone goes straight to voicemail."

"Victor!"

He hears the urgency in her voice. "Rae, what's wrong?"

"I'm calling about Gar."

"Rachel, what's wrong? Why are you calling _about_ Gar? Why can't he call for himself?"

"He, he's been in an accident. He's at Memorial Hospital."

"Oh God, no. What happened? Is he hurt badly?"

"I-I don't know. The doctors won't let me see him. I think he's pretty banged up."

"Okay, um, I'll be there. You said he's at Memorial?"

"Yes, and I called the others; they're coming." Rachel pauses a moment before she continues, "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry; it's not your fault. I'm coming; I'll be there as soon as I can."

* * *

Rhonda and Darrell enter the hospital searching for Rachel. They're relieved to see her standing in a hallway until they see how distraught she looks. "Rachel?"

The dark-haired teen looks up. She's never been so happy to see her foster parents before this moment. With tears in her eyes, she hurries to them.

Relieved Rachel's safe, Rhonda wraps her arms around the girl. "Rachel what happened? We were so worried when we came home and you weren't there. We saw the news about your father and …"

Shaking her head, Rachel pulls away from Rhonda's embrace. "That doesn't matter." She wraps her own arms around herself. "You know, all he ever wanted to do was make me laugh. It's been that way since the first day we met."

"Rachel?" Rhonda's concerned. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Where was Rachel's sweatshirt? It was an unusually cool turned rainy April day. Why was she only wearing a tank stretched across her expanding belly? Darrell's just as concerned. He drapes his jacket over Rachel's bare shoulders.

"I-I never knew if he saw something broken in me? I don't know maybe he saw me as one of those strays that he used to bring home. I don't know, but he just wanted to make me laugh. Of course I never did, not really. It was as if it was a challenge for both of us; he'd make me laugh and I'd refuse." Rachel looks up at her foster parents. "What was so horrible about what he wanted, friendship and laughter? Things, at times, I'd refuse to give. Why can't I be normal and just open up, let people in? I thought I wasn't hurting anyone, except maybe myself, by being closed off. I was wrong."

Rhonda's confused. She knows Rachel's not talking about her father or the other man who hurt her. "Rachel, what are you talking about? Who are you talking about?"

"My, my f-friend Gar. He was in an accident." Rachel can't hold back her tears anymore. "And it was all my fault."

Rhonda holds Rachel tightly as she cries. "Shh, it'll be okay. You're not to blame; you said it was an accident, right?"

Rachel nods. She looks up to try to explain, "But it …" She stops when she sees a panic-stricken couple walk by them. It's Gar's parents. Rachel pulls away from Rhonda. She wants to know what they found out about Gar.

Rachel quietly follows Gar's parents leaving Rhonda and Darrell standing there confused. After a moment, they decide to follow Rachel.

The Logans and a doctor come out of the trauma room. He takes them to a room so they can talk. Rachel's afraid when she sees Mrs. Logan's scared expression. '_Is his mother just scared or is Gar really that bad?_'

Rachel glances over to the trauma room doors. Even if they allowed her to see Gar right now, she doesn't think she could do it. Shuddering at the memory of the accident, she crosses the hallway. Standing outside the door, Rachel hears some of what the doctor says. He explains that Gar's not in a lot of pain because he's been sedated. "He has a concussion, a broken leg and broken ribs. He had a punctured lung, but they fixed that. There are signs of some internal bleeding. Gar might need surgery." Gar's injuries sound so bad to Rachel, '_Ohmigod, I broke him._'

"How did this happen?" asks Mark Logan. Gar's parents are understandably upset. Their only son, their only child is lying unconscious in a hospital bed. In the hall Rachel thinks, '_He shouldn't be here._'

"I don't know but somehow he was hit by a car," says the doctor.

Marie Logan voices Rachel's thought, "He shouldn't be here. Something happened. He's sometimes a clumsy kid but he'd never run in front of a car."

Rachel backs away from the door. She doesn't want the Logans to see her. She meets up with her foster parents. Darrell asks, "How's your friend?"

Rachel shrugs, "I-I don't know. I didn't see him. I heard the doctor say that Gar has a concussion and broken bones. I think he had a punctured lung. That would explain why Gar had trouble breathing. The doctor said that he might need surgery. This can't be happening."

Rhonda puts a consoling hand on Rachel's shoulder but Rachel backs away. The older woman suppresses her sigh. She understands that Rachel is upset. "Do you need me to call anyone?"

"No, Gar's parents are here and I called our closest friends."

"Do you want to go see him? I'm sure they'd at least let you peak in."

"No. I can't do that. I don't want something to go wrong for Gar."

The Curtises exchange looks. What does she mean by that? Before either one can ask her about it a nurse and a police officer comes up to them. The nurse says, "This is the girl."

"Is anything wrong officer?"

"No, I just have to ask your girl some questions." After getting Rachel's name, he asks if she's the girl who came in with Garfield Logan.

"Yes, I was there."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Um, I don't know. It all so fast."

"Think back to before the accident. What happened? What were you two doing?"

Rachel looks down at her hands in her lap. "We were arguing."

"What were you arguing about? Were you two dating?"

"No."

"Did one of you want to be dating but the other one didn't?"

"No, it wasn't like that. Gar and I are just …friends." '_I don't know if he still wants to be my friend._'

"So what were you arguing about?"

"I was in a bad mood. He was trying to cheer me up but I didn't want that."

"Why were you in a bad mood?"

Thinking about the reason for her bad mood, Rachel subconsciously rubs at her bandaged arm. "I, uh, I was angry about my father." A part of Rachel hopes he knows enough about what Trigon has done not to ask anymore about that. Another part of her hopes he doesn't know anything about it but drops the subject. Most of all, Rachel wishes none of this had ever happened.

"Okay, how long were you arguing?"

Rachel looks down at her hands; she wishes he were done, that he'd stop asking her questions. She feels guilty enough. "I don't know."

"Did things ever get physical?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did he try to grab you?"

"Gar would never hurt a girl, especially me."

"You said you two were arguing. Sometimes during an intense argument, things can get out of hand. Did you ever feel threatened?"

"No." '_Gar is nothing like my father._' "Gar would never do anything like that. Nothing like that ever happened. What happened isn't Gar's fault. He's the one who's hurt so stop blaming him."

"Sorry. If you two weren't physically fighting then how did Gar get hit by the car?"

"I don't know. I was walking away. I stopped when I heard the tires screech and a horrible thud. I-I turned around. I think I screamed. Gar was just lying on the ground. I was so scared. He wasn't moving. Somebody, maybe the driver of the car, said they were calling for help. I didn't know what to do. I knelt beside him, urging him to wake up. He was bleeding so I used my sweatshirt to try to stop that. I-I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry, that's all I know." Rachel embarrassedly wipes her eyes with the palm of her hand. She hates that she cried in front of the officer. "Am I in trouble?"

"No, if you remember anything else, call me." He hands Rhonda his card and leaves.

The three are alone again. Well, as alone as they can be in a hallway of a busy hospital. Both Rhonda and Darrell are shocked by what Rachel told the officer. "Rachel, what happened? Where did you go after you left our house?"

"I _don't_ want to talk about it. I screwed up _again_."

"Rachel …"

"_Please._ I don't want to talk about it right now, not when my friend might be fighting for his life. I have to make sure he's gonna be okay."

"Okay, we'll talk about this later. Do you want to try to see him now?"

"I don't know, I don't think I can."

"I'm sure they'll let his friend see him."

"No, it's not that. I-I don't think I can see him lying in that hospital bed like that."

"Okay, let's see if we can find you something to eat." They slowly walk down the hall. They stop when the Logans come out of a room. Marie is struggling to stay calm. They think the concerned teen in front of them looks familiar.

"How's Gar? He's gonna be okay, right?" When Rachel speaks, they remember she's the girl Gar brought home about a month ago.

"You're Rachel, right?" asks Mark and the teen nods. "What are you doing here? How did you know about Gar?"

Marie thinks Rachel looks both guilty and concerned. "Were you there? I mean, when the accident happened, were you there. The doctor said a teenaged girl came in with him."

Not trusting her voice, Rachel simply nods.

"Do you know what happened?" asks Mark.

"How did Gar get hit by a car?" asks Marie at the same time. Gar's parents are eager for information.

"I'm not really sure. I …"

Darrell's jacket starts slipping off but Rachel grabs for it. When she does this, Marie notices Rachel's bandaged arm.

"Did you get hurt too?"

Rachel hides her injured arm under Darrell's jacket. She mutters no.

"You said you were there, right?" Again, Rachel nods. "Then tell us what happened. How is it that our son is lying in a hospital bed but you only have a few scratches? What did you do?"

"Marie, I know you're upset, I am too, but we can't blame this girl. It was just an accident."

"Mark, we both agreed the there was something going on with her. Gar never used to keep things from us. He never lied to us or wound sneak around until he started hanging around her."

"Hey," says Rhonda, "I understand you're upset about your boy but you can't blame her for this."

"Are you her parents?"

"No, we're her foster parents."

Marie looks at Rachel then the Curtises. She wonders what's going on, why would this girl need to be in foster care. Looking back at Rachel, she sees the teen is pregnant.

"You're pregnant? I knew you were in trouble. Ugh, why did Gar have to bring you home?"

"Marie. Leave the girl alone. Forget about her, we need to focus our energy on Gar. He needs us to stay positive."

His wife wipes her tears away and turns her back on Rachel and the Curtises. "I'm sorry, Mark. You're right. Gar needs us. I'm just so scared."

Her husband hugs her. "I know, I am too."

Rachel says softly, "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry." To Rhonda and Darrell she says, "I need some air. I'm just going to walk around a bit."

Rhonda asks, "Do you want one of us to go with you?"

"No, I just need some time to myself. Don't worry; I'll just be a few minutes." Rachel walks down the hall and turns the corner. She leans against the wall and covers her face. '_What did I do? Oh God, please let Gar be alright._'

"Rachel?" She looks up and sees her friends. They all look worried but fear crosses their faces when they see that Rachel has been crying.

"Oh, Rachel, is it that bad? Is our dear friend Gar hurt so bad that it is serious?"

"I-I don't know." Rachel tries to control her emotions so she doesn't scare her friends any more than they are. "I haven't seen him but I heard the doctor say he has some broken bones and a concussion."

Trying to sound optimistic, Vic says, "That's not too bad. The doctors will fix him up and he'll be back to his annoying self in no time."

They all hope he's right. Rachel says, "His parents might still be around the corner if you want to see them. They can probably tell you more."

They start down the hall but Rachel stays there leaning against the wall.

"Rachel, are you not coming?"

"Not right now. I need a little time. You guys go ahead."

Rachel closed her eyes. She worries about what her friends will think when they learn what happened. She's sure they'll be on Gar's side. They should be; he's physically hurt and this time any pain she feels is her own doing. She covers her face with her hands. She never meant for any of this to happen.

"Rachel?" Rachel looks up and sees Rhonda. "I'm glad I found you. They're taking your friend to surgery."

"What? No."

"The doctor said his spleen is damaged. Apparently, the surgery is simple. I guess it just takes about thirty minutes."

"But Gar is hurt in other ways; his broken bones, his concussion. Ohmigod, he shouldn't be here. He doesn't deserve this. This is my fault. Some friend I turned out to be. All of them should've run months ago, at the first sign of trouble."

"It wasn't your fault. It was an accident."

"But …"

"Did you tell him to walk in front of a moving car?"

"No, but …"

"Did you push him?"

"No, of course not!"

"It was an accident, nothing more. As for your friends, they've stood by and supported you through all of this. They'll continue to support you as well as your friend Gar. Try calming down some. He's going to be okay." Rhonda wants to know what happened when she left the house. What happened between the two friends? How did he get hurt so bad? She wants to know but she knows now is not the time to ask Rachel about it. They need to focus their positive energy on Gar to see him through the surgery.

"Oh, Darrell bought you a sweatshirt in the gift shop. We thought you'd be more comfortable in that." Rhonda holds out the top that Rachel didn't notice before.

Rachel wipes her eyes and accepts the sweatshirt. "Thanks."

"Let find a restroom so you can splash some cold water on your face then we can go to the waiting room if you want to." Rachel only nods.

* * *

Rachel hesitates to enter the waiting room. She hates that everyone turns to look at her. She receives a glare from Gar's mom but tries not to let it bother her too much. If she was in her place, Rachel thinks she'd feel the same way.

Rhonda and Rachel sit next to Darrell. They're separate from the others but could still have a conversation with someone if they want to.

The room is quiet. Everyone is thinking about Gar and hoping he'll be okay. Some are softly flipping through magazines that they aren't interested in reading. It's just something to do, something to help the time go faster. The TV mounted on the wall is on. The volume is down low so no one can hear it but nobody cares about that.

Rachel yawns in her seat next to Rhonda. Rhonda is concerned about the teen. She's not just concerned about her mental state but she's also worried how she's doing physically. This stress can't be good for the baby. "Did you get checked out?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Rachel tries to brush aside Rhonda's hand. She doesn't want to talk about herself.

"Did they check how the baby's doing?"

"It's _fine_." Rachel yawns again.

"You must be tired. Lie down and rest."

"Lay down here? I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to sleep here. Besides I want to know when Gar's out of surgery."

"You don't have to sleep, just rest. It'll be good for you and the baby. I'll make sure you know what's going on. I think your friend would want you to take care of yourself. Just pull two chairs together and lay down on those." Rachel eyes her uncertainly. "I promise, if you do fall asleep, I'll wake as soon as the doctor comes in."

Seeing that Rhonda's not going to back down, Rachel reluctantly pulls the second chair over. She's small enough that she can curl up on the two chairs. As she lies there, Rhonda gently strokes her hair. Rachel closes her eyes hoping to shut out the hundreds of thoughts racing through her mind. She wishes she could change everything.

Rachel slowly begins to wake up; she didn't mean to fall asleep. Maybe it was for the best. She does feel a little better. She hopes that Gar is doing better. She doesn't know how long she was asleep. Rubbing her eyes, they feel puffy and burn some because of the crying.

Rachel sits up and with Rhonda's help; she pushes the other chair away. As she's does this, the door opens. The next few minutes seem to be in slow motion. Everyone turns to the door when the doctor comes in. He looks stressed and upset.

That can't be a good sign. Rachel feels her heart starting to race. With her eyes still on the doctor, she grasps Rhonda's hand. He walks over to the Logans and asks them to come with him. Gar's mom begins crying and his dad looks instantly old. As they are leaving the room, Rachel catches the doctor saying he's sorry.

"No!" Rachel's eyes fly open and she bolts upright. Her heart is racing.

"Rachel, it's okay, it was just a dream. You fell asleep and had a dream. If it would help, you can tell me about it?"

Rachel shakes her head. She's trying to control her breathing. She can't believe it was just a dream. It felt so real. Afraid that it might come true she doesn't want to speak about it. Eventually everyone stops looking at Rachel and goes back to what they were doing while waiting.

As in her dream, Rhonda helps Rachel push aside the other chair. Rachel along with everyone else holds their breath when the doctor comes in the room. It's so much like Rachel's dream. He goes over to the Logans. He kneels beside them and says, "Gar's out of surgery and he's okay." Everyone seems to let out a collective sigh. "His spleen was the cause of his internal bleeding. He's young and healthy otherwise so he should heal reasonably fast."

Crying with relief, Marie asks, "When can we see him?"

"He's in recovery right now. Some one will come get you in a bit so you can see him for a few minutes. Then we'll move him to his room. That's where his friends can visit him. Gar will still be unconscious for a while. We're keeping him sedated to ease his pain and to help him heal."

"Thank you, doctor."

"Yes thank you." Marie hugs him.

They're all grateful and relieved that Gar's going to be okay. Everybody but Rachel begins talking at the same time. Rachel's too overwhelmed by the good news and her horrible, realistic dream. Rachel leans over to Rhonda and says, "I'm gonna go get something to drink and maybe eat."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, stay here. I won't be too long."

As Rachel quietly leaves the room, her friends watch her. They're curious about why she didn't sit with them. They wonder if something happened between Gar and Rachel. All they know from the Logans is that Rachel was there when Gar got hurt. Deciding they want to know what's going on, they follow her.

The three friends find Rachel sitting in a quiet corner of the cafeteria. In front of her is an untouched sandwich. She stares into the steaming cup of hot liquid. Hearing somebody approaching her table, Rachel looks up. Seeing her friends, tears spring to her eyes.

Vic sits next to her. "Hey," he rubs her arm as he tries to comfort her, "he's gonna be alright."

"I'm sorry; I don't mean to get so upset."

"Rachel, what is wrong? Why did you not sit with us in the waiting room?"

"Sorry, I thought I should sit with my foster parents. How long do you think he'll have to stay in the hospital?"

"I don't know," says Richard as sits down. "He'll probably go home a few days after he wakes up. Why don't you eat some of you sandwich then we can talk about Gar."

Rachel glares at him before she picks up her sandwich. '_You don't have to treat me like I'm five._'

"The Logans mentioned something about you being there when the accident. What happened?"

Looking at her friends, Rachel sees how concerned they are. They're concerned about her, not just Gar. Deciding she has to tell them, she sighs. She understands that they'll probably blame her. They might even reject her but she thinks they need to know what happened.

Rachel takes a deep breath then tells them about her argument with Rhonda. She involuntarily shudders as she tells them what she learned about her father and Slade. As she tells them this, she unthinkingly rubs her bandaged arm.

"I felt like a trapped animal. I couldn't stay in that house. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't care. I just had to get out of there. Guess I was just walking around. I wasn't thinking."

Richard notices Rachel rubbing her arm. He's concerned. "Did you do that to yourself?"

Rachel looks down and stops rubbing her arm. She glances around at her friends then wraps her arms around herself. "You don't understand. None of you do."

"You are right; I do not understand why you would hurt yourself, especially when you are already hurting so much."

"I don't _want_ to do it. It's just, sometimes, like when I found out about my father going free; everything is so out of control. It's strange and it doesn't make sense but I feel as if _I'm_ in control when I do it. _I _get to control the pain. Somebody else isn't inflicting pain on me. Please don't worry. I don't do it a lot, only when I feel like things are spiraling out of control. I wasn't, I'm _not_ trying to kill myself. I don't want to do that, I just _need_ something _I _can control. I can see that you don't understand; I knew you couldn't. Just like I knew Gar couldn't."

"Rachel, what happened? How did Gar get hit by a car?"

"I don't know. We were arguing and I turned to leave. I didn't see what happened. He wouldn't be here if I didn't argue with him. That's all I seem to do lately. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Gar. I thought I could do this, I thought I could tell you but I can't. I'm sorry."

"Rachel wait," calls out Richard as Rachel leaves.

"Give her some time," says Vic. "She has a lot on her mind. Let's go see Gar."

* * *

Rachel walks through the hospital hallways. She's never been a fan of hospitals but lately she's tired of being in them. She needs some time to think. She's mad at herself for chickening out of telling her friends what happened.

Hesitating a moment, Rachel opens the door to the hospital chapel. No one is there so she steps in. The room is quiet and peaceful. Taking a seat towards the back of the room, Rachel covers her face with her hands. She whispers to herself, "I keep messing up. It's not just my life but it's my friend's life as well. Rhonda's wrong, I have an evil in my veins. I have my father's blood in me. If only I could learn to control my temper then maybe I wouldn't be as destructive as my father."

Sitting in the tranquil room, Rachel thinks back to what happened several hours ago …'_I felt so much like a trapped animal. I knew couldn't stay in that house. I didn't know where I was going and I didn't care. I just had to get out of there._

_ I don't know where he came from but Gar must've seen me going towards the bridge. He had to wonder what I was doing. He called my name several times but I didn't want to hear him and I tried ignoring him. _

_ "Rachel! Wait!" called out Gar. I kept walking with my head down and my arms wrapped around me._

_ Gar ran up behind me. I couldn't ignore him now. "Rachel, stop. What's wrong?"_

_ I finally stopped but didn't turn to face him._

_ "You're upset. Tell me what's wrong"_

_ With my fists clenched, I said, "Nothing's wrong. I want to be alone. Please leave me alone. I don't want you trying to cheer me up. I don't want that."_

_ Gar put his hand on my shoulder. "C'mon Rae, something's wrong. You can tell me."_

_ He sounded sincere, like he truly wanted to help. A part of me wanted to accept his offer and tell him what was wrong. But it seemed like every time someone tried to help me, things went wrong. I ended up getting hurt worse. I couldn't do that again. I growled, "Leave me alone."_

_ Gar grabbed me by the arm. I winced and yelped at the pain. Startled by my reaction, he let go of me. I turn enough and saw him looking down at his hand. He saw blood, my blood. "You're bleeding. Who did this …" I practically saw the thoughts forming in his head, "Or did you do this to yourself?"_

_ I rolled my eyes and sighed. "What does it matter? Can't you just leave me alone?"_

_ "Rachel, it does matter. I don't want you hurting."_

_ "Too late. I'm always hurting. I should be used to it by now."_

_ "What do you mean? Things are better now, right?"_

_ "Right, things are great," I said sarcastically._

_ "Really?"_

_ I rolled my eyes again. "It doesn't matter. Even if everything was perfect, I have nothing to look forward to. Well, at least nothing good."_

_ "What do you mean? Do you mean the baby? I know you must be scared about that but …"_

_ I shook my head. I spat out angrily, "I don't care about the baby. I don't want it. I never wanted it. Its future is the same as mine. It's bleak, there's nothing there." I knew I sounded harsh but it was true._

_ Gar looked afraid. He probably thought I was given up. He looked past me to the bridge. "Rachel," he said softly, "you're not gonna do something you can't change are you?"_

_ He sounded so sad. I couldn't help it; I began to cry. "It doesn't matter."_

_ "Yes it does. You matter to me. You're one of my best friends. I don't want you to go away."_

_ "I'm not gonna be around much longer. It doesn't matter if I do it or not. I'm dead no matter what."_

_ The shock on Gar's face was apparent. He's probably never heard anyone talk like that. I didn't want to do it but I was so cared and confused. I was so tired of feeling like that. _

_ "Why don't you come to my house? You can calm down and we can talk some. Maybe my parents can help."_

_ "That won't help. They'll find me wherever I go. I can't put you in that kind of danger."_

_ "What do you mean? Who'll find you? I won't let anyone hurt you. Let me help you."_

_ "You're no match for them. They're gonna get out and it's all my fault." I wasn't making any sense but I didn't care._

_ "Who are you talking about?"_

_ "My father and Slade, they're not going to prison. I screwed up again. There's not enough evidence."_

_ "How can that be? Your father abused you. How can there not be enough evidence?"_

_ "I don't know, maybe I lied too many times. They don't believe me."_

_ "But with that monster Slade, you said you were at a hospital. You said they might've seen …evidence."_

_ "I don't know! I was just guessing. I was unconscious most of the time I was there."_

_ "You're carrying that sicko's kid. Shouldn't that be enough proof?"_

_ "All that proves is that I slept with him. It's his word against mine. Obviously, he's not going to say he forced himself on me. _He's _going to say it was consensual. At most, he could be charge with statutory rape if they believe him. Again, I lied too many times, about what my father did to me, about my mom so no; of course, they're not going to believe me. I'm going through this hell and I can't blame anyone else for it._

_ "It's not your…"_

_ "I'll have to go back to my father. I'm gonna be killed. It might not happen right away. I know it's coming. He promised me if our secret ever got out, he'd kill me."_

_ "Let me help you. We can go to the police and tell them what you just told me. They'll make sure he can't get to you."_

_ "Even if by some miracle my father can't get to me, there's always Slade. He'll find me and torture me. I can't go through _that_ again. I'd rather be dead. Don't you see; this is the only way for me to be free of them?"_

_ "Let me help you."_

_ "God! Why can't you just leave me alone! Why'd you have to drag me into your perfect little group? I was happy enough before I met you and your friends. If I'd left that park earlier or not even gone there, I wouldn't have seen you with those Hive kids. I would've stayed alone._

_ "After Kitten, I stopped believing in friendship. You couldn't let me stay like that. You had to force your friendship on me. I didn't _want _it. I was happy enough."_

_ "How could you be happy? Kitten bullied you and your father hurt you."_

_ "I could handle Kitten; I was used to that. My father didn't hurt me that bad. He just said some cruel things or roughly grabbed my arm. It was nothing serious. I could live with that."_

_ "Do you hear yourself? You could live with your father hurting you?"_

_ "Like I said, it wasn't serious. After you pulled me into your stupid, perfect group, that's when things got worse. You said you wanted me to be happy. You kept trying to make me laugh. Couldn't you see I didn't want that? The more you tried to make me laugh and be happy, the worse things got at home."_

_ I held out my arm, the blood had dried. "_He _started this. My _father_, _he_ did this to me. He knew I was changing even though I didn't know. Being with you and the others gave me confidence that I didn't know I had. I wasn't even aware of it but he was and he was threatened by that. He had to make me know my place."_

_ "Rachel …"_

_ "He was afraid I would gain enough confidence to turn him in. In a fit of rage, so he could control me, _he _sliced my arm open. It didn't stop there. There were beatings, painful beatings. Beatings that ended with bruised ribs, a nearly broken nose, a black eye, welts on my back. After beating me, he used to say it hurt him to do it but he had no choice. It hurt _him _to beat me? _I_ was the one who was always hurt, bruised and bleeding. _

_ "I'm sorry, but …"_

_ "But, what? At least when I was with you guys I could relax, I didn't have to worry? No, I was always worried. I never knew what kind of mood he'd be in when I got home. Before I met you guys, I just had school. For the most part, he ignored me. I didn't have to worry as much._

_ "Couldn't you see that I was always worried, tense or scared? The harder you tried for friendship, the worse it got for me. Nobody really noticed even after I chopped my hair off. Everyone was shocked by it but they thought I was just being me._

_ "I don't know, maybe I was trying to make myself ugly so you'd push me away."_

_ "Rachel, you're not …"_

_ "I'm not?" I held up my arm again. "Doesn't this make me ugly? What about this?" I pointed to my expanded belly. "What about what Slade did to me? Nobody will ever want me. I'm used. I'm broken. I'm revolting. Why shouldn't I just disappear?"_

_ "Rachel …"_

_ "God! Don't you get it! Don't you see? I didn't want your stupid friendship. You think it's better to have more friends. I don't. It's just more trouble than it's worth. I probably wouldn't be going through all this shit if you'd just left me alone."_

_ "But you'd be alone."_

_ "You're a genius. Yes, I'd be alone but I probably wouldn't be pregnant. If I was then it'd be because I wanted it."_

_ "Why do you have to be like that?"_

_ "Like what? This _is _who I am. You all didn't like who I was. You just wanted to change me."_

_ "I didn't want to change you but I did want you to be happy. But as soon as someone tries to get close to you, you through up walls. You won't let anyone get close."_

_ I sighed and said softly, "If I don't put those walls up then I get hurt." _

_ "You still get hurt anyway," he said matching my tone._

_ I stepped back and glared at him. No, I couldn't let him talk me out of this. I needed to escape my father and Slade. This was the only way I could think of. If I ran way, I'd only be delaying the inevitable. I didn't want to die at sixteen but that seemed to be my destiny. I knew if my father or Slade got to me, there'd be hell to pay. If I was going to die, I wanted it on my terms. I'd hope to make it as painless as possible. Not just for me but for those who know me. I simply wanted to disappear. _

_ Now, here's Gar trying to talk me out of it. He's telling me how he values our friendship and that I'm important to him. I couldn't let him do that. I couldn't let him stop me. If he wouldn't let me push him away then I needed to make him mad enough that he'd push me away._

Rachel sighs as she looks around the chapel. Her eyes stop on the candles. She stares, mesmerized by the flickering flames. "Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why couldn't I just let Gar help me?"

"Rachel?"

Rachel gasps and jumps in her seat.

"I'm sorry," says Darrell, "I didn't mean to startle you."

The teen nods as she struggles to catch her breath when a thought enters her mind. Panic fills her eyes as she looks up to her foster parent. "Is Gar …?"

"I'm sorry, he's okay. I was just coming to check on you. I thought I might find you here."

"How did you know?"

Darrell looks to the front of the chapel. "Sometimes when I need a place to think, I go to church. I might not find the answers I'm searching for right away but it's a quiet place for me to sort my thoughts." Again, the teen nods as she looks down at her hands in her lap. "Has it helped you?"

Rachel shrugs her shoulders, "I don't know. I don't think there's much help for me. I'm simply one of those lost causes."

"Rachel, no you're not. What happened before the accident? How did that boy get hit by a car?"

"We said, I said some horrible things. I did what I often do to something good in my life, I destroyed it."

"Tell me what happened."

Rachel sighs before she begins …

_ Rachel lashed out at Gar. She had to make him angry. She spoke calmly but my voice was deadly serious, "If you were smart you wouldn't want me around. But everyone knows how gullible you are. Terra certainly did." _

_ Rachel saw the pain in his eyes, on his face. The pain only lasted a second. He tried to hide it but she knew she'd hit him hard. She knew he was sensitive about Terra and it was a low blow. She hated hurting him but she kept going, "She played you, didn't she. She had you wrapped around her finger. You'd do almost anything for her, wouldn't you? When she pushed you and your friends away, did she say she needed some space, some time to think about her feelings? You liked her so you gave her time, hoping she'd run back to you. When she didn't, did you still trust her? Of course you did. You believed everything she said. How did it make you feel when she left you for someone else? But Terra didn't just turn to any other guy, did she? She turned to the man who it turned out raped me. Terra chose to be with a rapist but she wouldn't even be friends with you."_

_ Gar was angry. He yelled, "Shut up!"_

_ Of course Rachel didn't listen, she continued, "The truth hurts doesn't it? And everybody thought I was pathetic?"_

_ Rachel had never seen him so angry. He snapped, "Shut up! Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about."_

_ Rachel hated hurting him but she was equally angry. Her anger was out of control when she said, "Really? Because I'm not that different from Terra. I used you too. Okay, I'll admit it, I was curious about what it'd be like to have friends. I didn't want to do it but I tried it. It was an experiment and I hated it. You were always smothering me with your stupid jokes."_

_ Gar was so angry, he was practically shaking when he shouted, "Would you just shut up! You're such a hypocrite. You say you didn't want to be our friend but you kept coming back. I'll never understand you. I tried to be nice to you, to be your friend, when others gave up on you."_

_ Rachel growled, "I never asked you to do that."_

_ Gar growled back, "I thought you needed a friend, but you're right. I was a fool. I should've listened when others said I should give up on you. They said you were hopeless. They were right. Guess apart of me always knew you're just a bitch." _

Rachel wipes the tears away before she continues, "I gasped and just stared at Gar. I'd thought what he said many times. I'd called myself a bitch but it hurt to know that Gar thought the same thing. His words stung like a slap.

"I opened my mouth to say something but then closed it. There was nothing to say; we'd already said everything. We'd said too much. We stood there staring at each other, our hurtful words hanging between us. Our friendship was over.

"I felt the threat of tears. I turned from Gar. I couldn't, I wouldn't let him see me cry. I had to get away; go somewhere to think. Gar was right; I was a bitch.

"I started walking away. I said softly, 'I'm sorry. I won't bother you anymore.' Tears stung my eyes as I started to run. It hurt so much losing Gar's friendship. I knew it meant I'd lose the others. I got what I wanted; I was now alone. Maybe this was worse than dieing. I knew that nobody cared about me and it was all my doing.

"I wasn't too far when I heard Gar call out for me. I think he started to say he was sorry but he, he didn't finish. I heard the screech of tires and a sickening thud. I turned around in time to see Gar fall to the ground. I saw other cars stop. Some people were getting out of their cars to help. I couldn't believe what I saw; a car hit Gar. I screamed."

Rachel wraps her arms around herself. "I ran back to Gar as fast as I could. It was all so surreal. It couldn't be happening. Gar shouldn't be lying on the pavement. The same thoughts raced through my mind, I'm sorry and please don't let him be dead. I didn't care if he never spoke to me again; he just had to be okay. I had to push my way through the growing crowd. When I saw him, I knew his leg was broken because it was bent at a strange angle and already swelling.

"Guilt and relief washed over me. He wasn't dead. He was unconscious but he was breathing.

"I was so scared. There was so much blood. His head was bleeding. As I knelt beside him, I notice his ragged breathing. Gar was having trouble breathing. I was terrified. I didn't want him to die."

Darrell put his arm around Rachel trying to comfort her. "He didn't die. He got the help he needed in time."

Rachel pulled away from Darrell. "No, he shouldn't have been there. He shouldn't have been lying on the pavement. He wouldn't have been there if it weren't for me."

"Is that why you're blaming yourself? You think it's your fault because you two argued? You have nothing to feel guilty about."

"Don't you see? If I hadn't lost my temper, if I hadn't said those things, we wouldn't be here. If I'd learned to control my temper at an earlier time, _none_ of this would've ever happened.

"Things happen and I react. Sometimes I overreact. I tell myself _not_ to feel, _not_ to let my emotions get out of control. I try to keep it all in but sometimes I can't. When I do react, it's as if my emotions explode. Things are worse than they were originally. You'd think I'd learn after getting hurt so much but I-I don't. Guess I'm just stupid."

"You are not stupid. You're a young girl who's been hurt too often. Sometimes you've been hurt by those who are supposed to care for you. I'm sorry that that happened. You're young so maybe you do overreact sometimes but that doesn't make you stupid. There are probably some adults who couldn't handle what you've been through."

"But I keep messing up. Gar wouldn't be here in the hospital if I hadn't overreacted to the news about my father. There wouldn't be any news about him if I'd kept the secret; if I'd just lied and said I, I slept with a boy. Better yet, if I'd just kept my mouth shut when there were accusations of abuse none of this would've happened. My father wouldn't have hired Slade to teach me a lesson and I wouldn't have been raped. So you see; this _is_ my fault. _I'm_ to blame for _everything_ horrible that's happened."

"You give yourself too much power. You can't control what other people do, how they act. You only have the power to change or control yourself."

"So if I'd done the right thing then my father wouldn't have hurt me. I tried to do that but how could I do the right thing if I didn't know what it was."

Darrell sighs, "I'm sorry but I'm afraid was just too angry to do the right thing. Unfortunately, I think some people have a disposition to be destructive and you got the brunt of it. I'm sorry." He eyes the teen sitting next to him. "Shouldn't your therapist be helping you with this sort of thing?"

Rachel sheepishly looks away. "I, uh, I haven't really been seeing her."

"Why not? She's there to help you."

"Maybe I'm just overly sensitive but she seems, I don't know, too judgmental. I _know_ I need help. I see that now. I thought I could handle things myself. But everything's spiraling out of control."

"We'll find you someone new. I'm sure your current therapist is good but she's just not right for you."

Rachel takes a moment before she says softly, "Thanks."

"Have you seen your friend?" Rachel shakes her head. "Why don't you go see him?"

"You think I should? I mean, I'm the …his parents …I …"

"Yes I think you should see him. His parent s are upset right now but I think they'd want his friends around him."

Rachel looks up at Darrell when he mentions friends. "Do you really think we're still friends …after what I said?"

"Yes, you two had an argument. Relationships don't end after one argument. Your other friends have been in to see him and they've gone home for awhile. I don't think they would've left if he was in serious condition. Go see him. It'll help you. Things aren't as bad as you're imagining."

Rachel nods, agreeing she should see Gar.

They walk through the hospital hallways in silence. Darrell knows Rachel has a lot to think about.

Rachel thinks about what Darrell said in the chapel; what he said about relationships. She knows she's not good at relationships. She hasn't had very good examples. What she's been through so far, an argument, even a simple disagreement could end things. At least leave things strained for a time. To Rachel everything's conditional. She'd be accepted on the condition that she didn't make a mistake or upset anyone. There are times when she feels like nothing she does is right. It might be wrong but that's how she feels.

'_I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping things bottled up. If anyone got hurt, it was just me and that didn't seem to matter to anyone. It certainly didn't matter to dad if I was happy. I'd learned early on to suppress my feelings. If I liked or didn't like something, dad would use it against me. _I _was the only one hurt until now. Gar's hurt and I don't care what Rhonda and Darrell say, this _is_ my fault. I need help. I have too much anger pent-up. I don't want to be like my father. I don't want anyone to get seriously hurt because of me._'

* * *

Rachel hesitates at the door to Gar's room. Darrell surprises Rachel when he asks her if she wants him to go in with her. She shakes her head. "Thank you but no, I need to do this by myself." She opens the door and peaks her head in. The room is dim but there's enough light to see Gar in the bed.

"Okay, I'll be out here in the hall if you need me." He gives her an encouraging pat on her shoulder.

Rachel enters the room quietly. It looks as if Gar's just sleeping. Rachel wishes he were simply asleep instead of being sedated. His head is bandaged and he has a black eye forming. There are tubes and wires connected to him. Through the blanket, Rachel can see the outline of a cast on his leg. She remembers how painful it was when she broke her arm and when she had bruised ribs. Gar is in worse shape than she's ever been at one time. Rachel shudders; she can't imagine the amount of pain that he's in. She realizes it's good that he's sedated; maybe he doesn't feel too much pain.

Rachel's face reddens as guilt overcomes her. '_I did this to him. I didn't physically push him into the path of the car but I did push him away._'

Rachel takes a moment before speaking; she doesn't know what to say. She starts to speak when a machine beeps. Rachel's eyes grow large. Does Gar sense that she's here and he's upset by that?

A nurse comes in, giving Rachel a kind smile. Rachel steps back from the bed. She watches the nurse check the machines. Aware of Rachel's anxiety, the nurse explains that nothing's wrong; it's just time to check his vital signs and his sedatives.

When the nurse leaves, Rachel lets out a sigh of relief. The room is quiet again. There's just the sound of Gar's even breathing and the soft hum and occasional muted click or whir of machines.

Rachel can't figure out how to say what she feels. 'Sorry' doesn't seem to strong enough. Rachel gets an idea and without hesitation, she begins to sing softly Forgive Me by Evanescence. The song says what she feels. She didn't mean or want to say those things to Gar. She didn't mean for him to get hurt, certainly not like this. As she sings to her injured friend, her tears fall. "_Can you forgive me again? You're my one true friend and I didn't mean to hurt you._"

Coming out of Gar's room, Rachel feels a strange mix of relief and remorse. '_I'm glad I got to apologize to Gar. I truly didn't want to hurt him like I did. I never wanted to hurt him but the fact that he was so nice to me made him an easy target. Even if Gar and the others never talked to me again, I did gain something positive from this. I'm now aware of how much help I need and that I can't do it on my own._'Rachel glances back to Gar's room. '_I might not have any friends but now I can get help and maybe start building my self esteem. Maybe some day we can be friends again._'

* * *

When Darrell and Rachel find Rhonda. The older woman decides it's time for them to go home; Rachel is worn out. Rachel's not sure she wants to leave. Even though she saw Gar, she wants to know when he wakes up. Rachel reluctantly admits that she's tired and agrees to go home.

As they exit the hospital, Rhonda promises they'll come back tomorrow. Rachel stifles a yawn as they get to the car. She didn't realize how tired she was. The past few hours have been very trying.

"Mrs. Curtis, Mr. Curtis, wait!"

Mrs. Fortner, Rachel's social worker runs after them. She stops a minute to catch her breath. "Sorry, I tried to catch you before you left. Rachel, how's your friend doing?"

Confused, Rachel looks at her. How did she know about Gar? "He's still sedated but okay. How did you know?"

"I ran into Rhonda. She told me what happened. I'm sorry." Mrs. Fortner turns to Rhonda. "I looked into things. It turns out there was a mistake. There's a possibility that there _is_ enough evidence, at least against Slade."

"What! You mean I was wrong. He's still going to prison?"

"There's a good chance of it."

"What about my father?"  
"That might not be easy but everyone's doing what they can to accomplish that. But don't worry. Even if he isn't convicted, you won't have to go back to him."

"So, I'll stay with the Curtises?"

"Well, you might stay with family. We found Angela's siblings. We just have to contact them."

Rachel's head is practically spinning with the news. She might have a chance at what she's always wanted, a family.


	32. Chapter 32: Pale

**Songs About Me **

**I am a horrible person. Sorry again for taking so long. If you're still there, thank you for not giving up on me.**

**Why does it take me so long? Well, other than stupid procrastination, there are too many ideas for stories in my head. Not counting this one, I have one, two, four …maybe seven stories I want to write. *sigh* **_**Sooo**_** many ideas and so little time. What am I gonna do? **_**AUGH! **_**I WANT TO WRITE **_**EV-ER-Y-THING!**_

**Um, er, oh-kay, well, anyway …thanks all who are still reading.**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Within Temptation or any lyrics.**

**Chapter 32: Pale**

* * *

**"**_**I have to try to break free / From the thoughts in my mind / Use the time that I have / I can't say goodbye / Have to make it right / Have to fight, cause I know / In the end it's worthwhile / That the pain that I feel slowly fades away / It will be**__**alright**_**" - Pale, Within Temptation**

* * *

Rachel sits in her room at the Curtis's house. Her schoolwork is long forgotten. She has too many thoughts in her head to focus on mundane schoolwork. She has family. Her mother, Angela, has two brothers and a sister. Two of them are still in California. Are her grandparents still alive? Rachel has no idea. She's still shocked to know she has family.

She wonders if they'll disapprove of her like they did her mother. Would they even want anything to do with her? Did she want them? Rachel doesn't know. She's tired of all these complications. Why couldn't things have stayed simple?

Rachel speaks to the empty room. "Mom, I miss you. I wish you were here. I need you. I need your help. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to do. Everything is messed up. Everything is wrong. _I _keep messing up. Things that should _never_ have happened have happened. I feel like I'm going crazy, as if I'm losing my mind. I'm so paranoid. I see darkness everywhere. Is this how it was for you? Am I going to end up like you?"

Rachel ignores the ringing phone. She knows that Rhonda's home. Her thoughts are interrupted when she hears her foster parent's excited voice. Rachel stands in her doorway and hears Rhonda's side of the conversation, "That's wonderful. Do you know if they need anything? Okay, well, let me know if they do. Thanks for calling and letting us know. Uh-huh, okay, thanks, bye."

Rhonda goes straight to Rachel after hanging up the phone. "Rachel, oh hi. Did you hear that?" Rachel surprises her by standing in the hall.

"Yeah, I heard some of it. What was that all about?"

"Your friend, I think it was Richard, called to say Garfield woke up a bit ago. Isn't that great? If you want to see him I could drive you to the hospital."

Rachel smiles but she seems a little unsettled. "Yeah, that's great. I'm glad he's awake."

"Rachel what's wrong? I thought you'd be happier about the news."

"I am. I'm thrilled that Gar's awake. It's just …"

"What? What's wrong?"

"It's just that now that he's awake he probably remembers everything and he hates me. But I'd rather have him awake and healing and hating me than in a coma or something and me pretending things were okay with us."

"He doesn't hate you,"

"You don't know that."

"He might be irritated with you but I doubt he hates you."

"Did Darrell tell you what we talked about?" Rhonda nods slightly. "Then you know I said some horrible things to Gar."

"He told me some of it but that was mainly between you two. He only told me what he thought I should know to try to help you. He didn't tell me what you specifically said."

Rachel frowns as looks down at the faded carpet. "Well, to push Gar away, I basically said I wish we'd never been friends. I blamed his need for friendship for all the horrible things that happened to me. I knew it wasn't true but I said it anyway. And now I think I got my wish, he won't be my friend anymore."

Rhonda chuckles softly, Rachel looks up at her with an annoyed expression. "Girl, you do like to borrow trouble, don't you? You have everything worked out in your imagination. Has it ever occurred to you to _talk_ to him and see what he thinks before you lock yourself away? I think you'll find your friends to be more reliable than that."

Rachel nods while avoiding Rhonda's gaze. She knows her foster parent is right. Rachel's ashamed she didn't give her friends more credit. "I'll see him but not today. I want to give him a chance to get adjusted. Maybe I'll wait till he goes home."

"Okay, I'm not going to push you. Just let me know if you need a ride." Rhonda turns to leave but stops. "Oh, I made an appointment for you to see a new therapist later this week."

Rachel's shoulders drop as she rolls her eyes. She's not looking forward to seeing _another_ therapist.

* * *

Nervous, Rachel enters the room in the hospital. She has an appointment with her new therapist. She doesn't know if this one will help but she now knows she needs help. She can't go on like this. What her father and Slade did to her is eating away at her like a poison.

The room looks less like a doctor's office and more like a den. There are comfortable-looking armchairs and a coffee table in the middle. There is a desk but it's off to the side.

A tall, thin man in his mid-fifties with thinning sandy blond hair stands up. He offers her his hand to shake. "You must be Rachel. Hi, I'm Charles Patterson. If you feel comfortable, you can call me Charles or Charlie …or Chuck. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable?"

Rachel meekly shakes his hand. "Thank you but I think I'll stick with Dr. Patterson. If that's okay?"

"Of course, I'm here to help you. I want you to be at ease when you're here. Would you like to sit down?" He gives her a choice off which chair to take. She quickly sits in the one closest to her. He takes a seat across from her.

Dr. Patterson looks at the girl as she examines her hands in her lap. He's studied her history. He knows that she's been through hell and wants to help her. He gives her a moment settle her nerves before beginning. He hands her a small mirror.

"Rachel, what do you see when you look in the mirror?"

Rachel glances in it for a second before setting it down. "I'm …ugly …and worthless."

"Why do you say that? Look at it again and tell me what you see. Describe the girl in the mirror."

Rachel picks up the mirror and forces herself to scrutinize her reflection. Ever since that horrible night with Slade, she's hated looking at herself. "She looks almost alien, like she doesn't belong here or anywhere else. I see a girl who is too pale. She looks sickly or ghostly. Her eyes are too large; they're only filled with pain. She looks …unwanted, alone, lost."

"The girl you described sounds as if she's distressed but not ugly. Why do you think you're ugly?"

"My father told me that numerous times."

"How did you feel when he said that?"

"It hurt. I knew he wanted to hurt me so I tried not to let it. He said it so much that it I guess I figured it must be true. Why else would he physically hurt me? I must be ugly and worthless for him to …" her voice trails off. Dr. Patterson knows she's meaning the rape. He senses she has more to say so he wait's a moment before going on.

"He doesn't care about me," she continues, "He never did. All he cared about was keeping up appearances. As long as things _looked_ okay, that's all that mattered. He belittled me and put me down every chance he could. When he physically hurt me, he was always extra careful. It wouldn't be any good for the daughter of a wealthy businessman to be covered in bruises."

They continue to discuss her father. It doesn't take much effort for Dr. Patterson to get Rachel to open up. He's either an incredible doctor or Rachel's ready to speak about her problems. He knows that the timing is right for Rachel. She just needs to talk with someone she feels comfortable with, someone she didn't think would judge her.

* * *

Rachel's surprised by how much she said. Dr. Patterson's easygoing nature makes it easy for her to open up. She said more in this one session than she did in any of her other therapist's sessions. As she walks though the hospital, Rachel realizes how odd it is that she spoke so freely to him. Men have seriously hurt her but men, real men, have also helped her. She finds it hard to trust some women. Debbie and her previous therapists have contributed to these feelings.

Rachel hesitates a moment before stepping off the elevator. Since she's here, maybe she'll look in on Gar. Walking down the hall towards his room, she wonders if this is a good idea. She turns around and stops.

"Rachel?"

"Gar?"

They're both surprised to see each other.

"You're walking?"

"Yea, soon after I woke up they wanted me to start walking. They wanted me to be used to these things before I go home." Gar waves around one of his crutches.

"Slow down there, Gar," says his physical therapist. "Before you start doing tricks you need to master walking. We're done for today. We just need to get back to your room. Think you can handle that?"

"Handle it? It's only a few yards away," Gar puffs out his chest and flexes one arm. "I think I'm strong enough to go another lap or two."

Rachel rolls her eyes.

"Oh really, Mr. Show-off? Think you could handle another hour of walking? My next appointment cancelled so I have time."

"Another hour?" squeaks Gar. He stops posing and shrinks down slightly. Rachel grins at his reaction. "I, um, er, no. I think I should go to my room. Sorry."

"Wise decision, you shouldn't push yourself too soon. You need to gradually build up to walking that much."

Gar grins, "Hey Rae-chel, wanna walk with me back to my room. I can show you how skilled I am."

"Uh, yeah, sure, okay."

"Awesome."

The three walk slowly down the hall. They are going at Gar's pace. For a while, they are silent. Rachel feels guilty about Gar needing to use crutches. Gar's focusing on walking. The strange clack then thump of the crutches and Gar's footstep is the only sound.

The physical therapist has only worked with Gar a short time but she's noticed how much Gar likes to talk. It's strange that he's so quiet now. She wonders if it's because of this girl.

"Hi, I'm Maggie," says the physical therapist, introducing herself to Rachel. "I see you're expecting. How far along are you?"

"Um, I think I'm maybe at about seventeen weeks." Rachel's not used to answering questions about her pregnancy.

"That's a good time." Rachel looks at Maggie confused so Maggie explains. "You're passed the morning sickness aren't you?" Rachel nods. "Have you felt the baby move yet?"

"Uh, no, I don't think so. What does it feel like?"

"I don't know but my partner, Lauren, is at twenty weeks. I think it was around week seventeen that she started feeling movement."

Gar stops walking. "You're having a baby? Cool. Congrats. You have a name picked out yet? You know you could always name it after your favorite patient."

"I didn't know you knew any other patients here. You know the guy in room 402?"

Rachel rolls her eyes at the face Gar makes.

After Maggie gets Gar settled and leaves, there's just an awkward silence between the two friends. At the same time, they say sorry. Again, they try to apologize but speak at the same time. With some of the tension gone, Gar laughs. Rachel smiles but it fades as she sees the shape of the cast under the blanket. Seeing Rachel's frown Gar asks what's wrong.

"I'm sorry. You're in here because of me."

"_I_ stupidly ran out in front of that car. I thought they'd see me and stop. I knew better than to run into the street like that."

"You were only doing that because you were chasing after me. And that was because I, I …I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I thought I'd found out some information about my father and Slade going free. It turns out I was wrong but I …"

"You panicked."

"Yes, I panicked. I was so terrified about what they'd do to me that I couldn't think straight. Ugh, if I'd just taken a moment to calm down and think things through, none of this would've happened. I do this all the time. I overreact to things. Sometimes, I'm afraid that's why these horrible things have happened to me. I'm not trying to make excuses. I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You can't control what others do."

"People have tried telling me that. I'm trying to listen and learn."

Rachel gasps and clutches her stomach.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I think the baby just moved."

"Really? Can I feel?"

"Um, okay. Put your hand there."

"Here?" Rachel's face reddens as Gar puts his hand on her belly. "I don't feel anything."

"It stopped. Guess it's shy."

"Kinda like its mother."

"That sounds so bizarre. I'm going to be a mother. Never in a million years did I think I'd be saying that. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to screw everything up."

"No you're not."

"How do you know that? I've screwed my own life up so why wouldn't I …"

"Because you have your friends to help you."

"You still want to be friends, after everything I …"

"Hey, you can't get rid of me that easily."

"Yeah, Vic always said you had a thick skull."

"Hey." Gar starts to laugh but stops because it hurts**. **Rachel apologizes again. "No, it wasn't what you said. It just hurts to laugh. It sorta hurts to breath but the pain medication they gave me helps some. It kinda feels like I'm stuck in one of Kori's hugs but it's not that bad. I don't really know how to explain it."

"It's okay; I have an idea about how painful it is. Um," she hesitates before continuing, "I, uh, I've had bruised ribs before."

"What? When? Did your …"

"Yeah, my dad did it to me. I don't think he ever knew though. I kept a lot of things to myself. I never wanted him to know how much he hurt me."

"If you don't mind me asking, when did it happen?" Rachel sighs, she hates talking about what her father did to her. "That's okay; you don't have to tell me. I shouldn't have asked."

"No, it's okay. I'm supposed to talk about things. At least that's what my new therapist says. I know I can't keep all that bottled up." Rachel walks over to the window. She fiddles with the cord for the blinds as she speaks. "Um, it happened …the night after we all went out for ice cream."

Gar stares at Rachel's back. He thinks back about that afternoon, when Rachel ended up laughing and having fun with them. He also remembers that Rachel was supposedly sick after that. When she did come back to school, she was skittish and shied away from everyone. How could, why would someone do that to her? He also wonders why nobody, including himself, noticed something was wrong with Rachel.

"He did a real number on me. It was worse than he's ever done before. He could've killed me that night. All because he thought he was losing control of me."

"I'm sorry, we should've known. If we'd helped you sooner than you wouldn't have to go through all of this."

"It's not your fault. I kept things, hid things from _everyone_. I thought if I didn't make _any_ mistakes then maybe he'd stop hurting me. But he was nothing but a bully. He never really cared for me. I was just something to power over."

"Sorry you have such a crappy family cause of your dad."

"He's not the only family I have. It turns out my mom has siblings."

"Really? Cool. What're they like?"

"I don't know I haven't met them yet. I get to do that next week. I guess they're meeting with my social worker this afternoon. I have an uncle who lives on the east coast. And another uncle and an aunt who live in California."

"Wouldn't it be crazy if they live here in Jump City?"

"I never thought of that. I never thought to look up mom's maiden name to see if anyone might be related to me."

"So, are you excited about meeting your new family?"

"I don't know. Guess I kinda have mixed feelings about it. I mean a part of me is glad I _have_ family. But I'm also worried. What if they don't want anything to do with me?"

"Why wouldn't they?"

"I don't know. Maybe they're still mad at mom for marrying da- Trigon. Maybe they won't want me because of who my father is. Maybe I'm _so_ messed up that they won't want anything to do with me."

"Or maybe they'll see a girl who's struggling to survive and just needs a little help." Gar gives her an encouraging smile.

Rachel continues to frown but ends up giving him a half-hearted smile. "Maybe." She sighs. "Sometimes, I'm angry. If they'd been a part of our lives, would mom have attempted suicide? Would Trigon have abused me? My life might be so different if I'd had family to turn to." She sighs again. "Who knows, maybe _this_ is my destiny."

"Rachel …"

"I'm sorry. Enough about my fucked up life. When do you think you'll get to go home?"

"Well you heard Maggie; I have to be good enough on the crutches before I can go home. I heard the doctor talking to my parents about a special diet."

There's a knock on the door before a nurse enters.

"I'm gonna go," says Rachel.

Gar tries to get her to stay but Rachel insists that she has to leave. She promises to call him later.

* * *

Marc Madsen enters his two-story house. He calls his wife and children into the kitchen. His wife, Chelsea is the first one there. She wonders how it went. Marc sighs, "The girl's been through a lot. She's been through a whole gamut of abuse, including sexual assault."

"Oh, how horrible. The poor thing."

"I guess everything started a few years ago when Angela attempted suicide."

"Oh my gosh, that's awful," says Chelsea. "Her father didn't …"

"No, he didn't hurt his daughter _that_ much."

Chelsea lets out a sigh of relieve. "Why didn't anyone tell you about Angela?"

"I don't know. Guess Trigon didn't want me to know. From the sound of things, this girl didn't even know she had family. But I'm not the only one who didn't know about it. Maureen was just as surprised as I was."

"Was Maureen in any way understanding or supportive of her niece?"

"Chelsea, I know you don't get along with my sister."

"Well, was she?"

"If she was, she didn't show it."

"Humph, just as I thought. Where are those kids?" Chelsea calls for her children again, "Eli? Lottie? Come to the kitchen, _please_."

"Sorry, mom, I was just finishing something." As a tall seventeen year old comes into the room, he fiddles with his glasses.

"We'll need to get your glasses adjusted. Where's your sis…"

"Right here mom," says a girl about eleven years old. "What did you guys want?"

"Why don't we all sit down?"

"What's _this_ family meeting about?" asks Eli as he rolls his eyes.

"Well, you remember how your dad got a call about his sister's daughter, your cousin, being in trouble?" Their kids both nod.

"I met with my niece's social worker today. It turns out that she's in more trouble than I thought. Rachel, that's her name, needs a place to stay."

"Why can't she stay with her parents?" wonders their son.

"Well, your aunt Angela, you remember her?"

"Yeah, you talk about her all the time."

"She's in a mental hospital because she tried to hurt herself a few years ago."

"So, couldn't she stay with her dad?"

"Rachel can't do that because her father's hurt and neglected her. He was arrested for it a month or so ago."

Chelsea says, "I think I saw something about that on the news. I didn't realize he was Angela's husband."

"Well, after Angela married him, I never knew anything about her. I only saw her once when she was pregnant and she seemed happy."

"What's Rachel like?" asks Lottie.

"I don't know, I didn't meet her. The social worker said that Rachel's sixteen and kind of quiet. That she likes to keep to herself. But they don't know if that's just because of her being mistreated."

"Do you want our cousin to live here?" asks Eli.

"I was wondering if that might be a possibility. Right now, Rachel's in foster care. She can continue with that but it's better for her if she's with family. Of course, she doesn't have to come here; she could go stay with your aunt Maureen."

Lottie scrunches up her nose. "I think she should come here. Aunt Maureen is too …busy. Besides, it'd be nice to have the girls out number the boys."

"Before we decide, you should know that Rachel's pregnant." Chelsea's eyebrows shoot up in surprise and Eli looks concerned.

Lottie, however, is excited. "Wow, she's gonna have a baby?" A yellow lab comes into the kitchen carrying his leash. "It's time for Cody's walk. I'll take him."

"Sure sweetie you can take him, just don't go too far."

"I _know_ mom. Um, before I go, are we gonna let Rachel stay here?"

"That's what this meeting was about; I wanted to get everyone's opinion. It'll take some adjusting."

Lottie says, "I want her to come here."

Marc turns to his son. Eli says, "Sure, I'm okay with it."

Chelsea says, "She's family and we should help her if we can."

"Okay, I'll call the social worker and let her know that we'll take in Rachel."

As she leaves with the energetic dog, Lottie says, "Cool, I've always wanted a sister."

Eli calls out to her, "Sometime sisters can be a real pain."

Marc says, "Are you sure you're all right with this? It'll be an adjustment for everyone."

"Yeah, like mom said, she's my cousin and if we can help her then we should. Um, how abused was she? I mean, you said she's pregnant but her dad didn't …you know, cause I know sometimes horrible things like that happen."

"No, no, he didn't do anything _that_ horrible but she was raped. This girl's been traumatized. Between that and her father's beatings and neglect, it's going to take some time for her to heal."

* * *

Mrs. Fortner knocks on the door before opening it. "Rachel, would you come in here? Your aunt and uncle would like to meet you."

Rachel nervously straightens her shirt and runs her fingers through her hair before she goes into her social workers office. Trying to have a more pleasant smile than nervous one, Rachel enters the room to meet her family. Rachel wonders what exactly they know about her and how that will affect their opinion of her.

Rachel's greeted by a man and a woman who both resemble her mother. The man, her uncle, reminds her most of her mom. He has the same kindness in his eyes. She also thinks she sees pity she's not sure.

The woman, her aunt, looks older. The same dark hair that Rachel and Angela have is pulled back into a severe bun. Her features are stern. If this woman feels any understanding for Rachel, she doesn't show it. She eyes Rachel sharply.

Rachel feels uneasy under her aunt's critical gaze. "Uh, hi, I'm Rachel Roth, you niece."

"Hi, Rachel," says her uncle, stepping forward to shake her hand. "I'm you're uncle, Marc Madsen." Rachel smiles; he seems kind. "And this is your aunt Maureen."

Rachel turns to her aunt and holds out her hand to shake. After a few seconds, Rachel lets her hand drop. She narrows her eyes slightly at her aunt. '_What's her problem? I know that I'm nowhere near perfect but still, she could at least be polite._' Rachel's eyes narrow further when she hears her aunt mutter under her breath, "The girl's just like her mother." Rachel hopes she doesn't have to live with her.

"Rachel," Mrs. Fortner interrupting Rachel's thoughts. "You're going to be stay with Marc and his family for a trial. It'll be for a few weeks. After that, we'll see how things are. Does that sound alright to you?"

Rachel simply nods. She doesn't know what would happen if she said no. She's already packed her things and said goodbye to the Curtises. As the adults discuss her, Rachel gathers her few bags.

* * *

In the car, they are quiet for a while. They are both wondering about the other one. Marc is the first one to talk. "So, I forgot to mention that I live here in Jump City, so you don't have far to go. You'll still see your friends.

"I'm sorry I didn't know about you. You know, if I did, then I would've helped you. I didn't even know about Angela. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, like you said, you didn't know. And about all that other stuff," Rachel lets out an uneven breath, "I tried to keep it a secret. Um, but thank you for offering to help now."

"Are you nervous?"

"A little."

"Don't worry; I think we're pretty nice."

"What was your sister, um, Maureen's problem with me?"

"It's not really you that she has an issue with. She's still mad at Angela for getting married and leaving home."

"Why? Maureen seems older than mom. Wasn't she already out on her own?"

"Yes, Maureen's the oldest of us. She's about fourteen years older than Angela is. So by the time Angela in high school, Maureen was married and had a set of twins to look after. My brother, Jeremy and I went away to school. That left Angela home to deal with our parents."

"All mom ever said about her family was that her parents were strict."

"Yeah, they were rather strict. They had their own ideas about how their kids should act. Angela didn't see things their way. They were always butting heads about something. Around the time Angela ran off with Trigon, dad was sick. Maureen's resentment comes from her having to help mom with dad when she had the twins and a toddler to look after. I don't know; guess there was just too much of an age difference to understand each other."

There was silence again as Marc navigates through heavy traffic. Rachel wonders about her mother's relationship with her family. Things might have been stranded between them but Trigon isolating his wife then his daughter only made things worse for the teen.

"It's probably for the best that you didn't go with Maureen," continues Marc. "She's pretty demanding sometimes. Plus she has four grandchildren she has to look after."

"You have two kids right?"

"Yeah, I have a son, Eli, he's seventeen. He's a junior at JCHS, maybe you know him."

Rachel thinks a moment, "No, I don't think so."

"Well, it is a big school. I also have an eleven-year-old daughter, Lottie. Actually she's Charlotte but she goes by Lottie."

"She's Charlotte Madsen?"

"Yeah, it's a family name. Why do you ask?"

"Um, there's a gravestone at Hope Cemetery with the name Charlotte Madsen on it. Whoa, that sounds really disturbing but it's for someone who lived over a hundred years ago."

"I know, she one of our ancestors. I knew she was buried nearby but I didn't know where. How do you know about Charlotte-of-the-past?"

"Uh, one day I was hiding from everyone and I ended up at that cemetery. I looked around and found her name on a gravestone. I …kind of imagined she was a relative that I could talk to. I'm sorry; maybe I shouldn't have done that. I'm not really _that_ creepy."

"Don't worry about it. She was a relative. And because you now have family, you don't have to pretend any more." As he turns down a residential street, Marc says , "Well, we're just about there."

Rachel recognizes it. "You live near here?"

"Yeah, we're just down this street."

"One of my friends lives on this street."

"Really? Who is it, maybe I know them?"

"Uh, Gar Logan."

"Oh the Logans, I know them; they're nice. It'll be good for you to have a friend nearby."

Rachel feels her face getting red and she doesn't know why. Maybe she's just nervous. She hopes her uncle doesn't notice. She's glad when he doesn't or if he does, he doesn't comment on it. A new set of butterflies is set off in her stomach as they pull into a driveway.

"Okay here we are. Don't worry it'll be okay. I'm sorry I couldn't help you earlier; we'll do everything we can to help you now."

Not trusting her voice, Rachel only nods her understanding.

Marc grabs her few bags and goes up to the mid-century modern house. Rachel takes a few deep breaths before she follows him.

Inside the house the rest of the Madens are waiting to greet Rachel. The room, while not decorated as a party, has a positive, welcoming vibe. A woman with shoulder length auburn hair and hazel eyes steps forward and introduces herself as her aunt Chelsea. The teen next to her, her cousin Eli, Rachel slightly recognizes from school. The girl, Lottie, with her dark hair in braids and wearing glasses holds up a sign made of notebook paper and colorful markers. The sign simply says _Welcome Rachel._

Rachel hesitantly waves and says, "Hi, um, thanks for letting me stay here for a while."

"Don't worry about it," says Chelsea, "we're family. That's what families do; they look out for one another."

"Well, thanks anyway."

"Wanna see your room?" says an excited Lottie. "Can I show her mom?"

"Okay."

"Cool, c'mon Rachel."

"Lottie, slow down. Sorry, Rachel, she's excited to have the girls outnumbering the boys."

Lottie calls from the stairs, "C'mon Rachel. No, not you Cody. The room's not for you. Da-_ad_! Call Cody! He's gonna mess everything up."

Marc calls for Cody and the yellow lab comes racing down the stairs to the kitchen. "This is Cody, our two-year old lab. He's almost as wound up as Lottie." Cody is let out into the fenced back yard. "We also have a cat, Sasha. She's somewhere around here. We should go get you settled before Lottie loses it."

They find Lottie waiting impatiently in the upstairs hall. "Finally. Were you introducing her to all the trees and plants?"

"Yeah, sure of course; but we left the birds and the squirrels for you," says Eli, "You've named them all."

"Not all of them," says Lottie as she sticks her tongue out at her older brother.

Chelsea leans over and whispers in Rachel's ear, "Welcome to the world of siblings."

Rachel smiles. They remind her of how her friends can be sometimes. She hopes that that'll distract her. She enters her new room.

"Do you like it?"

Rachel looks around the room. The light aqua walls and the white trim and accessories give the room a relaxing beach-y feel. While it's not her usual taste, Rachel does like it and says so. Not wanting to be part of a decorating discussion, the guys go back downstairs.

"Awesome, I'm glad you like it. I helped decorate it. Mom let me pick the color."

"Hey, Lots," says Chelsea, "let's let Rachel get settled some. Why don't you help me get dinner ready? You can come get her when it's time."

"What are we having?"

"I thought we'd have breakfast for dinner."

"Sure, I'll help. Be there in a minute. I'm just gonna show Rachel where the bathroom is, thinks like that."

"Okay, but don't be too long."

After Chelsea leaves, Lottie sits on Rachel's bed. "So do you like waffles cause that's what we're having tonight. You know, breakfast for dinner."

Rachel smiles and nods. She's glad she likes waffles because they seem to be the thing everyone picks.

"Cool, you'll love dad's. Oh by the way, what _is_ your favorite color?"

"I like blues."

"I hoped you would. Mom wanted to do pink or purple but not _every_ girl likes _those_ colors"

"They're okay sometimes," says Rachel.

"Lottie," calls Chelsea form the base of the stairs, "come down here, please,"

Ignoring her mother, the tween continues to talk. "Have you ever traveled out of the state, or country?" When Rachel shakes her head, Lottie goes on. "If you could travel _anywhere where _would you go_?"_

"Charlotte Jo …"

"Uh-oh, I should go. Glad you came. Coming mom."

As Rachel unpacks her things, she smiles at the girl's enthusiasm. She hopes some of it might rub off on her.

After a pleasant dinner with waffles that were fluffy on the inside and the right crispness on the outside, Rachel sits alone in the family room. Both Eli and Lottie offered to cancel their plans but Rachel insisted that they keep them. She didn't need to be babysitting. Having a chance at a real family was all she needed.

"Here," Marc hands Rachel a book.

Rachel sets aside the magazine she was flipping through to take the thick book. "What's this?"

"It's a photo album. I thought you might want to see pictures of your mom."

Rachel eagerly opens the book. There is an assortment of pictures of Angela. In most of them, she's with friends and family. Rachel can't help but notice that Angela looked a lot like she did when she was that age.

There's a candid picture of Angela in her Brownie uniform. Rachel thinks her mother looks just like she did when she, herself was seven or eight. If it weren't for the change of the other people's fashion, the girl in the picture could've been mistaken for Rachel.

Rachel happily studies each photo. Occasionally, Marc points out who some of the people are. As time passes, there are less pictures of Angela. The next generation, babies, have a monopoly of the pictures.

Chelsea joins them since she's done doing the dishes. "If you see any that you'd like to keep, let me know and I'll get you a copy off it."

Rachel thanks Chelsea as an awkward silence settles in.

Marc asks Rachel, "When did the abuse start?"

Rachel's wondered when the question would start. "What do you mean, like when did he first hit me?"

"Well, if you want to share that, I want to know what happened to you. I know it won't change things but …"

"It's okay, Dr. Patterson says I need to open up more. I'm trying to do that but it's not easy for me. I'm a very private person but I'll try.

"Um, it was soon before we moved here to Jump City. I think I was maybe twelve and I was complaining about something. I don't know, maybe it was because I was confused about why mom had to go away. I didn't understand it.

"Anyway, I guess I was getting on his nerves. He'd told me many times to stop asking him questions but I didn't stop, I wanted answers.

"I stopped when he slapped my face. I was so stunned. He'd never hit me before. He apologized and begged for forgiveness. He promised it would never happen again. Turned out he was a liar."

"So was that the first time you were abused?"

"There were times before that he'd hurt my feelings. That sounds so stupid and childish saying I felt mistreated because he hurt my feelings."

Chelsea says, "Your feelings did and do matter. There's nothing childish about it. Nobody likes or wants to feel bad."

Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "I used to think that's just how dads were. That it was his way of pushing me to do better. Anything less than one hundred percent wasn't good enough for him.

"Early on, I learned to guard my likes and dislikes. I didn't like how he'd use those against me."

"What do you mean?"

"I had to be careful when we went go someplace. Often if I said I liked something or thought something was cool or pretty, dad would buy it for me. I never said I _wanted_ it; I'd never do that. Afterwards, he'd comment that he was always buying things for his spoiled daughter. I never asked him for anything. Of course, I had to wear or use the things he bought even though I hated them. It didn't take me long to close myself off some. The more I showed, the greater the chance I'd be hurt."

"I am so sorry you had such a horrible childhood."

"It wasn't that bad. Usually, I was happy. At home, especially around mom, I was a chatterbox and I laughed and sang all the time. I just never liked it when dad lost his temper and yelled but I _was_ happy when I was little. Guess I was a little like Lottie is now.

"Mom was so excited about everything I did. I remember how thrilled I was when I showed her that I'd learned to braid my doll's hair. She matched my excitement and let me braid her hair."

Rachel's face slowly crumples as tears well up in her eyes.

"Rachel, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry." Rachel awkwardly wipes her eyes with the heel of her hands. She's embarrassed to cry in front of her newfound aunt and uncle. Her only relief is that her cousins aren't there; she'd be mortified to cry in front of them. However, Rachel's tears increase the harder she tries to stop them. "I'm sorry. I just miss my mom so much."

Chelsea instantly goes over and puts her arms around the tearful teen. "Oh sweetie, I'm sure you do. I can't imagine what it must be like to be without her." Chelsea with tears in her own eyes, she holds her niece tight. "There's no way I could replace your mom but I hope you'll let me help you."

Rachel nods as she struggles to stop crying. "Th-thank you."

* * *

**Reviews are welcome.**


	33. Chapter 33: Breathe Today

**Songs About Me**

**Thank you everyone. A special thanks to ****Luna Storm13**** for suggesting an idea.**

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Flyleaf or any lyrics**

**Chapter 33: Breathe Today**

* * *

**"**_**I can only say what I've seen and heard / And only you can choose / And every choice you make will affect you.**_**"-Breathe Today, Flyleaf**

* * *

Rachel is relieved to stay with the Madsens. The Curtises were kind. Rachel's grateful for them because she doesn't know where she would've gone if they didn't take her in. However, Rachel thinks she fits in better with the Madsens. Marc and Chelsea are easygoing. They only ask that Rachel help some around the house and she must go to all her doctors' appointments.

It doesn't take long for Rachel to settle in with her new family. Maybe it has something to do with her sessions with Dr. Patterson. She opens up to him so much more that she's ever had before. She's relaxed enough to share some things with Marc and Chelsea. Rachel isn't constantly chattering about her mistreatment but she does feel comfortable enough to talk when she feels like it.

Having her cousins around also helps Rachel. For a while, they are a little tentative around each other but that doesn't last long. Having her young cousin, Lottie, looking up to her, helps Rachel _want_ to get better. Rachel doesn't want her troubles affecting the young girl.

When the month long trial period is over, Marc and Chelsea decide to have a family meeting. Rachel's included because it involves her - will she stay with them? Even though she's almost certain that they like her, Rachel's still nervous. If they don't keep her, where will she go? Would she go on to her Aunt Maureen's house? Would she go back to the Curtises? Or would she go to some place else? Rachel wonders if she doesn't stay here, how many houses she will be bounced around to until she's eighteen.

* * *

Chelsea needs some time to herself so she decides to go for a walk. As she walks, she thinks about what needs to be done. She didn't realize having an extra person in the house would cause so much additional work. She doesn't regret letting Rachel live with them, or that Rachel doesn't help; there's just more groceries to get, more laundry to do. She walks by the Logan's house just as Marie pulls into the driveway. "Hi, Marie, how are you this morning?"

"I'm fine, just busy. You know how it is." Marie starts to unload the trunk full of groceries.

"Here, let me help you." Chelsea grabs a couple of bags and follows her friend to the kitchen. They repeat this a few times before they're done.

Before Marie starts putting things away, she asks Chelsea to stay for coffee. "It's been awhile since we could get together. If you're as busy as I am then I completely understand."

"Sure. Want me to get it started so you can finish that?" While Chelsea makes the coffee, she wonders about Gar. "How's Gar doing? He's home now, right? I thought I saw him at home the other day."

"Yeah, he's back at home; where he should be. Right now, he's at physical therapy," says Marie. "I was so scared when I got the call that he was in an accident."

"I can't even image how frightened you must've been. I'm glad he's doing better."

"I've never been so terrified. When Gar was in the hospital, the house was too quiet. I could hear myself think. I didn't like where my mind went, all the what ifs. I know we were both scared but it felt as if Mark and I fought every time we were home. You know, I never used to understand how a couple could separate after losing a child but now …I do understand."

"Marie, you and Mark aren't thinking about getting a divorce are you?"

"No, no, of course not. Like I said, we were both scared that we'd lose Gar even though the doctor said he was out of the woods."

"If you knew Gar was okay then what did you two fight about?"

"We blamed each other but mainly ourselves for not being good parents."

"Marie, you and Mark are _great_ parents. You've raised a good kid with Gar.

"Well, that was another argument we had regularly. I sometimes think that Gar is too trusting and too helpful."

"What do you mean by that?"

"When Gar was younger, he was always bringing home sick or injured animals to help them recover. As he gets older, I think still he wants to do that but he wants to help people in trouble."

"That's good of him."

"I know, I should be proud of him and I am. It's just that sometimes," Marie sighs, "I don't think Gar's judgment is the best. I'm afraid of him getting mixed up with the wrong people and getting hurt worse than he did this time."

"Gar is a smart young man, I'm sure he can handle …"

"He wasn't smart enough to stay away from _that_ girl."

"What girl?"

"That _Rachel_ girl; Gar brought _her_ home one night saying she needed help. Maybe she did need help but I got a sense from her that there was something troubling about her."

"Maybe what you sensed wasn't that she _caused_ trouble but that she was _in_ trouble."

"Maybe you're right about some of that but _she's_ the reason Gar was hit by that car. I don't like that he's so close to her."

"How do you know _she_ caused the accident? Maybe it was just that, an accident."

"Gar said he went after that Rachel girl because he was worried about her doing something dangerous. I don't like him getting mixed up in stuff like that."

"I understand. We want to protect and shield our kids but sometimes, horrible things happen. What if some of those horrible things happened to Rachel and Gar is helping her pull out of it?"

Marie sighs, "That's what Gar hinted at but why does _he_ have to be the one to help her? Hasn't my son been hurt enough? Can't someone else help this girl?"

"We're going to try our best to help her."

"What do you mean? Why are you …?"

"Well, it turns out that that girl Rachel is Marc's niece and she's been through some hellish horrors."

"She can't be the same girl."

"She's sixteen, pretty, petite with dark hair and blue eyes. She's very quiet; doesn't talk much about herself. Sometimes she's almost painfully shy around people. She's maybe five months pregnant by now."

As Chelsea describes Rachel, Marie realizes that they're talking about the same girl. "I'm sorry; I didn't realize she was your niece."

"We didn't know it either; not until last month."

Marie looks confused so Chelsea explains.

"Chelsea, I'm sorry, I didn't know. I guess I shouldn't have complained about Gar helping her but I was worried about him."

"I understand; I do, I get it; you want to protect him. You want what's best for him. You wanted to keep him safe. That's what a parent's supposed to do.

"Rachel's slow to open up to us but she has mentioned some things. Things like how she got the scars on her arm. She said her father started that but she continued to cut herself. Can you imagine a parent doing that to his or her own child? I don't understand. If he didn't want her, why didn't he just give her up?"

"How horrible. Unfortunately, some people aren't meant to be parents. Lucky for her, she gets a chance to see how a good family works. Again, I'm sorry; I shouldn't have been so hard on her. I should've recognized that all she was going through wasn't her fault. Don't worry; of course I'll let Gar help her."

"Thank you and you don't have to keep apologizing. Like I said, I understand. I don't want my kids exposed to this but I can't turn her away. Rachel desperately needs some stability in her life."

"You and Marc will be good for her."

"I know, it's just …" Chelsea sighs, "Marie, she's pregnant and it's not her fault; she was raped. But I never wanted that kind violence in my house. I know it's not Rachel's fault but she's indirectly brought in violence. Eli's older, so I think he understands but Lottie …she's just a little girl." Chelsea sighs again. "Okay so she's not _that_ little but she's _my _little girl. Marc and I have started to have the talk with Lottie so she knows a little about how things work. But we were going to ...you know; gradually get into it. Now our hands been forced, we have to tell Lottie everything. How do we explain the horrors of rape to our eleven year old? _I _don't understand how somebody could hurt another person like that. How do I help my daughter understand?

"I _want_ to help Rachel. I just don't want my daughter to lose any of _her_ innocence because that sick son of a bitch didn't care about his own daughter."

"Isn't it hard being a parent, a good parent? This might sound strange coming from me and I should've realized it earlier but maybe in helping Rachel, she'll help you guys. She'll help your, our kids to be more compassionate."

"You're probably right," says Chelsea, "but I can't help imagining what would happen to Lottie if she were in Rachel's place. If something happened to me and Marc and years down the road; Lottie got in trouble with a boyfriend, would family and friends help her?" Chelsea breaks down crying at her own imagined horrors.

"We're quiet the pair here, crying into our coffee." Marie grabs a box of tissues. Each woman takes a few.

"I'm sorry," says Chelsea as she wipes her eyes, "I didn't mean to get so upset. Sometimes it's all so overwhelming. We've only known about Rachel for about a month.

"Is she going to keep the baby?"

"I don't know. I don't think _she_ knows. When she first came to us, I asked her about it. She admitted to me that she felt no maternal feeling towards the baby. I think she's ashamed of feeling like that. I can't imagine what it'd be like to be pregnant at sixteen and alone."

"I know. Sometimes it was hard enough being in my twenties and married."

The two friends continue to discuss ways to help Rachel. They come up with a plan that if Rachel decides to keep the baby, that Marie will help them redo the Madsens' small office into a nursery.

* * *

Rachel's in her room, trying to relax but the baby has other ideas and is active. She's tired and wants to take a nap but can't with the baby kicking. Deciding to try meditation, she sits on the edge of her bed.

Rachel sits with her legs dangling over the side of the bed. She closes her eyes as she rests the back of her hands on her knees. This isn't her preferred way to meditate but it's better than nothing. Even though she's not too large, she's large enough for her petite frame. Because of her pregnancy, Rachel has trouble sitting on the floor. She tries to ignore the dog, Cody barking in the backyard.

Taking a deep breath in through her nose, Rachel holds it for a moment before she lets it out through her mouth. She does this several time before she softly repeats her mantra, "Aequam. Servare. Mentem. Aequam. Servare. Mentem. Aequam …"

The meditation's working both Rachel and the baby are calmer. "Aequam. Ser… oh. Would _please _you calm down?" The baby just kicked hard, breaking Rachel's concentration. There's a knock at the door. "Yes?"

"Rachel?" It's Lottie.

"Yes?"

"Could I come in?"

Rachel sighs; she's not going to do any more meditating now. "Sure, come in. What is it?"

The girl sits next to Rachel on the bed. "I was going to knock on your door a moment ago but I heard you in here. What were you doing?"

"Oh, I was meditating. I was trying to relax but I couldn't." Rachel points to her belly.

"I heard you saying eye-kwam seer-wa-ray men-tem?"

"Aequam servare mentem, that's my mantra."

"What does that mean?"

"They're the words I use when I need to focus when I meditate."

"But what do those words mean?"

"Oh, um, it loosely translates to 'to preserve a calm mind' or 'just keep your mind'."

"How do you know that? How do you know how to meditate?"

"Uh, my friend, Azaria, taught me those words and how to meditate."

"How do you do it? Could you show me?"

"Well, it's pretty easy. You just need a quiet place. You can meditate for a few minutes up to a half hour. You can use words …"

"A mantra?"

"Yes, but you don't always have to use a mantra. You just need to take a few moments to clear your mind and get refocused."

"Could I use your mantra?"

"Why don't you use something a little simpler? Like, um, 'peace, quiet, tranquility'. That is, after all, your goal when meditating."

"Okay, so how do I do it? I saw something once where the person was sitting like this." Lottie tries to pull her legs up into the lotus position, with her feet on top of the opposite thigh. She isn't having much luck. Lottie almost falls of the bed.

"You can sit normal, you know, cross-legged. Usually I do but I can't because of the baby." Lottie settles next to Rachel. "Okay, now what?"

"You can close your eyes. Try to focus on calming thoughts. It's fine if other thoughts enter your mind; you just want to try ignoring those."

Lottie scrunches up her nose. "That's _all_ you do? Just sit and think? What's so hard about _that_? Anyone can do it."

"Well, it's more than just thinking. There are seven areas of energy in your body and you want get those centered." Rachel tries to remember how Azaria explained it to her when she was younger than Lottie is now. She wants to keep things simple, just go over some of the basics."

Lottie giggles as she pokes her own belly button. "Is it here?"

"You're close, for one of them. These energies run from the base of your spine to the top of your head."

"What are they and what they do?"

"Okay, um, the first one is at the base of your spine. It's your life force energy. It has to do with survival and keeping you grounded. It's called the root or base chakra. The next one is just above the base chakra. It's the focus of your confidence and sociable energy.

"My confidence comes from my butt?"

"No, it's right here," Rachel puts her hand on the lower side of her expanded stomach, "just below your belly."

"Sorry, keep going."

"There is a chakra at your stomach. It's the focus of mental clarity and humor."

"What _is_ Cody barking about? He usually doesn't bark this much." Lottie jumps up and goes to the window. Rachel's window looks to the backyard. Lottie tries to see what the dog is barking at. "Oh good, Dad's gone out to stop him. Sorry again."

Rachel takes a deep breath as her cousin sits back down. "So the next chakra is at your heart. It's your emotional energy. The fifth charka is at your throat. It is for your communication energy. Healing energy can also come from this chakra. The next chakra is found at the forehead. It's for your intuition and imagination energies. Finally, the crown charka is at the top of your head. Inspiration and spiritual energies are found here."

"So once you have them, what do you do with them?"

"Everyone has chakras but most people aren't aware of them. The chakras are all connected."

"Like beads on a string?"

"Yeah, kinda like that. You want to have all your energies flowing. Meditation helps you align and center them. Once they're centered, you'll have greater focus and more control of yourself."

"You've probably been meditating for years; do you have all your chakras centered?"

Lottie's question is innocent but Rachel struggles not to show that it affects her. "No, it's been awhile since I've felt at peace with myself."

"It's 'cause of the bad stuff that happened isn't it? Sorry, didn't mean to make you think about it."

"Don't worry about it. I'm working on getting better. I forgot about meditation for a long time but I'm trying to get back to it."

Realizing that she interrupted Rachel, Lottie says, "I should probably let you get back to your meditating."

"That's okay. What did you want anyway?"

"I was just wondering if we could hang out for a while."

"Sure, we can do that. What do you want to do?"

"That's okay; you taught me how to meditate. I'm gonna go practice in my room. See ya later."

Rachel smiles to herself as the girl shuts the door behind her. '_It's hard to imagine I was ever _that_ energetic?_'

* * *

Rachel spends the next night tossing and turning. She can't get comfortable. She tries meditating but that doesn't work. Not only is she uncomfortable but the baby is awake and kicking. With a sigh, Rachel rolls out of bed. Maybe some chamomile tea will help her.

In the kitchen, Rachel quietly sets the tea kettle on the stove. She's so focused on the tea kettle not making any noise that she doesn't hear someone enter the kitchen.

"Couldn't sleep?" Rachel gasps and spins around, almost knocking her mug off the counter. "Sorry," says Marc, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"I'm okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

"You didn't, I was already awake. Do you want some pie?"

Rachel nods, "Do you want some tea, it's chamomile?" She's the only one who drinks herbal tea.

"Thanks but I'll just stick with the pie. So, you can't get comfortable?"

"How'd you know?" Rachel sits at the table with her tea. Marc brings over a slice of peach pie for each of them.

"I remember Chelsea having trouble with that. Talk with her; maybe she has some ideas for you."

"Thanks I will but it's not just that I can't get comfortable. The baby likes to move around in the middle of the night."

"If I remember right, before they were born, Eli was an early riser and Lottie was a night owl. Now, they've switched."

"Well, this little thing likes to be active at two in the morning."

"Um, have you decided yet whether you're keeping the baby?"

Rachel takes a moment to look into her tea. It's almost as if she's looking for the answer in the steam. "No, I haven't decided. Honestly, I don't know what to do. A part of me wishes someone would just _tell_ me what to do. But I know that's not gonna happen."

"You know we'll support your decision."

"I know." Rachel props her elbows on the table then rests her chin on her hands. "It _should_ be easy, right? I never wanted to be pregnant so I should just give it away but …" The teen sighs, "It was always just a _thing_ before. After it started moving, kicking, it became real. At my last doctor's appointment, Dr. Lane said if it were born now, it wouldn't be easy but there's a chance it could survive. She said that it looks like a real baby now. It doesn't look like a deformed squiggly thing. It's a real baby. It's that monster's baby."

"It's your baby too."

"Yeah," she gives her uncle a sad smile. "Guess it'd just be easier to give it up. That way it'd have a chance at a pair of good parents. Besides, you guys have enough extra work with me here."

"Rachel, you're family. We will support you if you decide to keep your baby. We didn't _have _to take you in but we want you here. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, sorry."

They're silent for a while as they eat their pie. Both are lost in their own thoughts.

"Rachel, Lottie was telling me that you were teaching her how to meditate."

"Yeah, yesterday she asked me about that so I told her some things."

"She said you were chanting."

"She means I was using my mantra. I told her to use something simple and basic."

"Lottie also said you taught her about chakras and how to align them."

"Yes, I just told her the basics. It can be a little complicated so I kept things simple." Rachel sees that her uncle doesn't look happy. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Not really, I just wish you'd talk with me or Chelsea before you share some things, especially with Lottie."

"I'm sorry but Lottie asked what I was doing so I explained meditation to her. I didn't think it would be a problem. Meditation has helped me …when I remember about it. I kinda forgot about it after Azaria got sick."

"Who's Azaria?"

Rachel smiles at the memory. "She was kinda like a grandmother to me. Azaria's family, her children, didn't speak to her anymore and Mom didn't speak to her family. So, we kinda adopted one another; we became a family. She was such a free spirit. She was more of a spiritualist than religious. I loved everything about her. Azaria taught me meditation."

"Where's Azaria now?" Marc wonders why this woman didn't help Rachel.

"She got sick and died when I was ten."

"I'm sorry."

"I think that's why I forgot about meditating. At first I focused on helping Azaria feel better then I was too sad to do it."

They're quiet again. Marc finishes his slice of pie while Rachel just picks at hers.

"You know," says mark, "you don't have to do extra chores around here; you don't have to do all the laundry."

"Did I do something wrong?" She tries to think of what she did wrong.

Marc watches the panic fill Rachel's eyes. He's surprised a simple comment could do this. He regrets upsetting her again. "Don't worry, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. I just don't want you thinking you have to earn your keep."

"Sorry. I just …" Rachel avoids any eye contact. She doesn't want to show how scared she is.

"Don't worry about it. We're not going to put you out. You are family. You're stuck with us." Marc gets up and puts his plate and fork in the sink. He notices that Rachel's still quiet. "Don't worry about things. It's okay. I'm going back to bed. Don't stay up too much longer."

"I won't, 'night again." Alone again, Rachel slowly finishes her tea and pie. '_I have to be careful. If they don't like me, they won't keep me. It doesn't matter that I am family._'

* * *

"How are you feeling?" asks Kori as she down at the picnic table. It's a couple weeks after the Fourth of July and this is the first time the five of them could get together.

"I'm _fine_. Why does everyone have to ask me that?" The pregnant teen sighs, "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just tired of this." Rachel looks towards the parking lot. "What's taking the guys so long?"

"Richard called and said Vic and Gar got into the usual squabble, meat vs. tofu. Honestly, I do not understand why they do this every time."

Rachel rolls her eyes. "It's because they're both stubborn. It's ridiculous."

"Absolutely. They are too old to be acting like _snurffleheads_"

Rachel glances at her friend but lets it slide. By now, she's used to Kori's odd expressions. "So, what are they doing?"

"Richard said they have to go to two more place before they have the right food."

"It's just food for a picnic; why are they making it a big deal?"

"I do not know. Like you said, they are pony-headed."

"I think you mean pigheaded."

"That is what I said. Anyway, speaking of food, do you have any cravings?"

"Even though, I can't stand them I can't get enough green olives."

"Do you want me to call Richard and have them get you some?" Kori picks up her phone.

Rachel waves her hands to stop Kori. "No. It'll take them forever to get here if they have to go to a grocery store."

"You are probably correct." Kori puts down her phone and studies her friend. "You look tire. Are you getting enough sleep?"

Rachel sighs, "I'm doing the best I can, but this baby has other ideas."

"That is too bad. I wish I could do something to help you."

"Don't worry about it. This will all be over in a few months."

"So, have you made a decision?"

Rachel sighs again. "Yeah, I think I'll give it up for adoption. That's probably the easiest and best thing to do."

"That might be true but will it be easier for you? You look so sad saying that you'll give your baby up."

"The baby deserves _two good _parents. I know the Madsens said they'd support whichever decision I make but …I can't put them through that. They already have their hands full with me."

"But you wish you were able to keep it?"

Rachel slightly nods. "Yes. For months, I've thought of this baby as a _thing_. It was another thing that has messed up my life. I wanted nothing to do with it. I just wanted all of it to disappear."

"Your feelings have changed?"

"Things started to change after I could feel it moving. I tried to ignore it but this little one won't be ignored anymore." Rachel looks down as she gently rubs her expanded stomach. Her voice is tender as she speaks. "I'm learning its sleep pattern; it likes to get up very early in the morning." Rachel looks up at her friend, "Did you know that a baby, before it's born, can have hiccups? This one does, especially after I've had ice cream." Rachel's smile fades from her face. "Two weeks ago, for the first time, I thought of it as mine."

"That is a good thing, is it not?"

"Not if I'm going to give it up. A part of me wishes I could keep it. I've thought of it. I'd let the Madsens help me but I'd raise him or her on my own. I'd get a small place of my own, a job, I'd do everything right for us. If I couldn't go back to school, then I'd get my GED. I'd raise him or her right but that's not gonna happen." Rachel stops for a moment. "Besides, I'm not ready to take care of a baby."

"I am so sorry. I wish I could help you. I wish you did not have to go through this."

"Thanks, it means a lot that you and the guys stand by me." Rachel shifts again. "Ugh. Can we walk around a little? I can't get comfortable here on this picnic bench."

"Of course. We can walk around while we wait for the guys to come. Let me help you." Kori gets up and hurries around to help Rachel.

As they slowly walk through the park Rachel wonders, '_Is this how mom felt when she was pregnant with me? In her diary, she wrote that I moved a lot._'

* * *

Vic bursts through the emergency room doors. He's holding a distressed Rachel in his arms. "We need a doctor."

A nurse and doctor rush over to them. "What's wrong?"

Richard, Kori and Gar race through the doors and over to them. Kori says, "We were walking through the park and she doubled over in pain."

"Okay," says the doctor, "bring her into this room." Vic and the others follow her into an exam room. Vic carefully lays Rachel on the hospital bed. The doctor asks the four concerned friends, "Did she fall or get injured in any way before she felt pain?"

The guys look to Kori; she was with Rachel last. Kori shakes her head. "No, I do not think so. And I do not remember Rachel saying anything about that. She only said that she could not get comfortable because the baby moved so much."

The doctor nods, taking in this information. She asks, "Do any of you know how far along, Rachel, is it? How far along Rachel is?"

The four friends look at each other; they don't know. One of them finally says, "Um, think she might be due sometime in the fall."

The doctor goes over to Rachel who's obviously in pain. A thin layer of sweat forms on her brow. "Rachel, I'm Dr. Kendra Bennett. Sweetie, how far along are you?"

Rachel groans in pain. "Um, twenty-eight, no twenty-nine weeks. What's wrong? Something's wrong."

"We're not sure right now but we'll find out. You might be going into labor."

"No, it's too soon."

"If you are going into labor, we'll try to stop things. However, if we can't, try not to worry. Your baby has a good chance of surviving even if he or she is born today. A baby can survive if it's born this early." The doctor turns to the others, "We're going to make your friend comfortable and find out what's wrong. You four should go to the waiting room. Call her parents. We'll keep you informed."

In the waiting room, Kori voices what they are all thinking, "I hope everything will be okay."

Back in Rachel's room, the nurses and doctors are trying to figure out what's going on with Rachel. Rachel repeats, "Something's wrong. The baby has been very active but now I don't feel anything from it."

The doctor goes over to Rachel. "We're going to figure things out. Try not to worry. It'll help things if you're calm."

Rachel takes a deep breath and nods, "I'll try." She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath in from her nose, and lets it out her mouth. She thinks she's spent too much time in hospitals this past year. She doesn't want to be here. Rachel hopes things will be okay and she'll get to leave soon. She tries to stay calm as the doctor does an ultrasound. It takes a while before they hear the soft slow whooshing of the baby's heartbeat.

Rachel starts to panic. "What's wrong? Why did it take so long to find the heartbeat? Why is …?"

Someone comes into the exam room. "Rachel, are you all right?" It's Rachel's doctor, Dr. Lane.

"Dr. Lane, something's wrong."

"I know it's not easy but try to stay calm. I'm going to go over things with Dr. Bennett." After the doctors discuss Rachel's situation, Dr. Lane goes back to worried teen. "Rachel, you are in labor. You're having contractions."

"No, it's too early. Can you stop it?"

"Normally, we'd try but your baby's distressed. According to the ultrasound, there's something wrong with the umbilical cord."

"Ohmigod!"

"Try not to worry. We're doing everything we can to make sure you and your baby are all right."

"I-I'm scared."

"I know sweetie, I know. Just try to stay calm. We'll get you two through this."

While they are prepping Rachel for the delivery room, Dr. Lane goes to the waiting room. There, Marc and Chelsea have arrived. Everyone is surprised and worried that Rachel's going into labor. Dr. Lane reassures them that she'll do everything she can to keep Rachel and the baby safe.

* * *

"Listen to me Rachel," says Dr. Lane, "I'm not going to lie to you. This isn't going to be easy. It's going to hurt, a lot. You've been strong through everything so far; I'm going to need you to stay strong, okay?"

"Okay. I'm scared."

"I know, believe me, this isn't how I wanted things to go for you. Just remember, you're a fighter. You wouldn't have survived this long if you weren't. When I tell you to push, you're going to have to push. When I tell you to stop, then stop. Another contraction should happen soon. When you feel that, push."

Rachel feels the muscles of her abdomen tighten. The pain is worse than she's felt so far. She cries out in pain. She squeezes a nurse's hand.

"Push, Rachel, you need to push."

Rachel grunts as she pushes. She pushes two more times but stops. Something's wrong.

"Rachel, you need to push."

"No … some …something's …wrong." Rachel's getting weak.

A machine beeps. "Her BP's dropping."

"Rachel? Rachel? Stay with me."

Rachel's eyes flutter open. "I'm …I'm …trying …" Rachel suddenly feels like her eyelids are too heavy. Her grip on the nurse's hand lessens. Rachel's hand drops on to the bed. The teen is motionless.

"Rachel? Rachel?" Dr. Lane gets no response. The alarm on baby's heart monitor goes off. The baby's in trouble. "We have to get the baby out _now_. We have to do a cesarean. Rachel? Can you hear me? Rachel? Please stay with me."

Rachel barely hears Dr. Lane's voice. Rachel feels like she's in a fog. The sound of her own blood rushing through her ears blocks out the doctor's voice. Rachel knows she should fight to wake up but she's so tired of fighting all the time. For once, she'd like to get a break.

As Rachel drifts away from everything happening in the room, her mind wanders. It's almost as if she see flashes of what she's been through: Moving in with the Madsens. Gar being hit by the car. Finding out she was pregnant. Being cornered by Slade. Waking up in the hospital after being attacked by Slade. Fighting with her friends. Cutting her hair. Being beaten by her father. Seeing her mom. Breaking her wrist in that car accident. Being bullied by Kitten. Trigon hitting her for the first time. Moving to Jump City. Finding her mom on the floor.

They're not all bad memories. Some are good: finding good friends, meeting Jason, leaning she has a family, feeling like she belongs.

Slowly all memories, good and bad fade as everything goes dark.

* * *

**Reviews welcome.**


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